Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[SteveM]

BTW, I'm all in for the posse and elephant trap!

[Kizzie]

I'm not afraid that she's going to bite me, or hit me, or key my car...I'm afraid of what she's saying to my neighbors and community members. For years I've said, "It isn't what was said to me that did all the damage, but what was said about me." Odds are I'm safe. She's been there for years and I didn't know it. But trauma is trauma. And even though she's old and unlikable, she still poses a threat, and I feel that threat now.  Knowing how she used to get people to hate me because of the lies she told behind my back, is the threat that I'm still trying to come to terms with.

100% get this because my M would do the smear campaign behind my back and because she was a covert N I know or at least believed people believed her. However, as I got older and I was successful in life and quite friendly like you, it occurred to me that maybe people didn't just believe her. Whenever I hear a parent of family member put someone in the family, especially a child down, it's a huge red flag for me.  I immediately think it's the person saying those things that has the problem, not who they are talking about. I have an N cousin who does this and I for sure know it's her that is the problem, not her children whom she loves one moment (good mother persona) and then turns on the next. Her son has not spoken to her in a few years and she makes it sound like it's him. He's a really good guy and that shines through like you. 

There's a gentle way of saying someone has a problem and then there's the crueler, N way of putting someone down I'm talking about, the kind of things your sister would likely have said about you. I know it is traumatized you is that is responding to her being there so I totally get it. If I were closer to my NM there's no doubt it would be a source of trauma for me too. I guess what I'm hoping younger you will hear is how likely it was people did see her and not you as the problem. 

I sometimes dream of a secret group of N vigilantes N abuse survivors could hire that will scare the pants off N's who have never been held accountable and offer a bit of payback. I know, silly fantasy but still I like the idea as does younger me.       

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

The same quote that Kizzie highlighted caught me as well when I was reading your journal entry. It made me think of a few different things and how most of us are probably trying to get out of the state where we remember these people as threats. There is the real possibility that we are in danger, but also that our bodies just remember what that danger was like. My t and I have been talking recently about the adult part of me that takes care of things, and sometimes I have a very hard time feeling like that adult part of me is competent to deal with things even though there are examples where I have felt like I am very much dealing with them (in an adult way). It's as if I can feel it on the other side of something, that I'm really blended and can't untangle the parts.

I know that as an adult I have faced bullies at work and had a different experience than I did as a child. It was awful to deal with those people and it brought up a lot of stuff from when I was young, but, like Kizzie said, there were other people around who did hear me and listen to what I had to say. I wasn't left all on my own to deal with it eventually and I was able to fight back in ways that helped me, by choosing not to work with those people and seeing that their behaviour says more about them. It wasn't all roses, but I'm not in the same position I was as a child either and I probably feel better about myself for doing it.

Sending you support and we're all here for you,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Thank you everyone for the supportive feedback.

I'm starting to feel less traumatized by the realization that my Narcissister is still following me around. We still don't have proof that its her living in the house. County records show she owns it, but is she renting it out, or is she living there?  It would be nice to know either way, but the reality of the situation is that she bought it after I bought my house and knowing what a stalker she was to others, I have to believe she knew I owned it. She stalked people all the time. She was fired from dozens of jobs, usually because she was stalking and breaking into the desks and computers of her coworkers, in a chronic attempt to get other people fired. It always backfired on her. But if she was so openly breaking into computers and desks to find out whatever she could on her "opponents" then how could I possibly believe she hasn't dug around in the internet to find out where I'd moved to after I estranged from the entire family?

But, she's sickly now after a life of drinking and smoking and not exercising. And realistically she's not a threat. So in my own IFS, I am feeling like my scared little boy inside me is calming down and my adult, mature, healthy, strong self is taking the lead again, and saying, "I don't like that she lives there, but living in that community was MY life's dream and I'm not selling the house because of her."

So, for now anyway, I'm feeling a little stronger and less attacked. Dolly, you hit it on the head, my child self sees her as a threat. My adult self sees her as a pathetic hasbeen whose reign of terror on her siblings and peers is over. She's just a sad lump of hatred sitting alone in a 1 bedroom house in the woods, most likely without a friend in the world.

She wasn't just cruel to me. She eventually turned on everyone she'd ever come across. My t believes she has Borderline Personality Disorder, which I think of as a violent kind of narcissism. And when I read the books about sociopaths and narcissists, I see that it's very common that these anti-socials die a very lonely or violent death. Like Caesar, they are eventually betrayed. OR they become cornered and they take their own lives in bunkers, or prison cells or courtrooms to avoid being held accountable.

She won almost every battle, but in the end I won the war. I have friends and family who love me. I win.

I have not returned to the house since finding out she's in the neighborhood there. I won't know how it feels to be living there until I finally buck up and drive down and live in it for a few weeks. Sadly, I've been stalked by other predators since I was 10 years old. So living in a house with one eye on the driveway all day long, watching hypervigilantly for my enemies, is just how I've lived most of my life. What's another few years of it, right? I'm good at it. I have cameras and alarms and I keep the blinds closed so I can see out but no one can see in. I try to live in my backyard so I'm not visible to cars driving past slowly. The house has a garage, and I keep it clear enough so that I can hide my vehicle in it, and people cannot tell if I'm there or not. I hide in the house. This will help me feel a bit farther from this monster. If she doesn't know when I'm there or not, I have a strategic advantage. Let her think I'm never, ever there.

She has no other reason to live there. The place is remote and nearly two hours from decent hospitals or a Costco or any large store. The only reason I can think of for why she moved there is because she's a predator and I'm her prey. And predators follow their prey, don't they?

ANyway, I'm starting to feel better. My adult self is stepping up and overriding my frightened younger self. Your support has made a big difference. You accept in me that this fear is real. Others, who are not C-PTSD afflicted can't figure out why big strong me is scared of an old, pathetic, sickly, mean, curmudgeon. Well, the rules of living with residual trauma responses are different than the rules of living without residual trauma responses. Trauma "disorders" must be managed and mitigated, because they don't just go away on their own.

Hugs to ALL of you!  Thank you so much for your outpouring of support!!!!!

 

[Moondance]

 

[Armee]

It's really hard work to get to where you are at right now, and I am super duper proud of you.

I remember when my mom was alive. She was frail from stage 4 cancer and multiple broken bones...back, hip (cause she would flaunt basic safety to freak us out. Like going down cement steps filled up with medication that disrupts balance refusing to use a handrail, a cane, or to even wear her glasses which she needed to see. Job well done, Mom). She was harmless but I was still terrified. I would shake and get the heebies around her. Even her house.

I once had to drop something off and couldn't even go up to the house in daylight I waited until it was dark just to leave something on her porch. Another time I had a friend drop something in a mailbox. And it wasn't because she could hurt me but because that trauma reaction could not and would not stop and THAT is what harmed me. To the point I couldn't speak or think or drive. It was actively retraumatizing me and preventing me from healing because the traumas were reupped each time. It's what they do to our mental state that is every bit as damaging as someone could inflict physically. And if you weren't traumatized in that environment, no it makes no sense. Let it go, don't let it bother you, etc. As you say, it doesn't work like that.

But I am so proud of you for standing your ground and she sounds so awful that there is no way anyone could believe her lies over how you show up in your community, full of love and giving, as Kizzie rightfully pointed out. They'll see right through her lies. 

[NarcKiddo]

So glad you're starting to feel better. It's nice to see you back around the boards. 

[Kizzie]

She won almost every battle, but in the end I won the war. I have friends and family who love me. I win.

You absolutely did win Papa.  

[Papa Coco]

Thanks again Kizzie, Moondance, Armee and Narckiddo.

Armee, your story rings very true for me too. It breaks my heart to hear that you had to endure the same terrors I did. My dad, older sister, older brother and his wife became so toxic at the end that I couldn't even go near any of them without fearing for my life. I totally and completely understand what you went through with your mom. I went through it all with my family also. Word for word, if we changed the names of the narcissists who made us terrified to even be in their presence, our stories would be almost interchangeable. At least, eerily similar.

A big hug to all of you again for being on my team these days. We're all stronger when we stick together.

C-PTSD is something I can't go through alone. I'm getting stronger, but I still can't do this alone. I'm getting better about my sister living near me again, in large part due to the fact that I feel validated now and encouraged by people who have the right to encourage me. I don't respond well to casual coaching from non-traumatized friends or CBT therapists. But when I know that the encouragement is from people who fully understand what it feels like to be in this situation, well...that's the encouragement that works. You are all very important to me and to my recovery.

I honestly feel like I'm gaining my adult strength back to handle my pathetic sister. Thank you, everyone on this forum, for being here and for validating that what I'm feeling isn't just me being dramatic. Had I not had people who validated what my scared little boy was feeling, I probably would have remained stuck in that fear. I believe that empathy is the greatest healing power on earth, and that by empathizing with what I was going through, you validated and gave closure to the scared little boy. You believed him, which calmed him, which then helped him to let go and let my adult self take control again.

For a great number of us, being invalidated as kids while we were being gaslighted did a great deal of the damage we're healing from today. Feeling isolated and alone with the abuse was like being locked in a cage with monsters. It seems like, today, that frightened child still wants to be validated more than he wants anything else in the world. By you all validating his fears when I first saw her address in my neighborhood, the frightened child within me got what he needed. He was heard. His pain was respected. You believed me. You didn't criticize me for being weak or "too emotional" the way my family used to do after they'd do something cruel, and I'd feel bad about it.

I was in real pain these last three weeks and you get it. I get it. We all get it. It's helpful to know that I'm not alone.

[Moondance]

 

Yes agreed- this forum is so very helpful, encouraging in so may ways.  And therefore healing.

Sending continued strengthening and protective armor against narcsis.

 

[Armee]

Yup. Feeling locked in a cage with monsters. True then, sometimes true now, or feels true. Keep going. 

[Kizzie]

You know I have never felt certain that many T's understand that what we went/go through by N abusers is a very real threat to our self, that they can and may destroy us. N abuse IS emotionally life-threatening. I guess that's why CBT is so lightweight (for me anyway), because it doesn't acknowledge or legitimize the incredible fear these abusers instilled in us, it tries to tell us it was and is irrational. It wasn't.  As you said Papa your family was so toxic and abusive you feared for your life.  That was why my H and I moved across the country to get away from my N family, because I didn't really have a choice.  I didn't think I would make it if I was near them. 

Glad you are coming to terms with your S being close by and feeling adult you move in and take care of younger you.  We're here too as you know. I'm personally glad to be a part of helping any abused child understand they are protected now, and cared for. You win, we all win. 

[NarcKiddo]

I am happy to read your update Papa C and to know that adult you is fighting his way through to deal with this.

I am sure CBT has its place, but add me to the list of people who have not found any benefit from it for my main issues. I was very lucky, actually, because when I started therapy it was using an online platform. My poor therapist spent the first 3 months essentially working for free as I spilled out everything into whatever worksheet I could sort of ram it into. When I said to her I wasn't sure about the structure she told me the platform was based around CBT and that was not the best approach for me although she would try to make it work for me as best she could. We moved to face to face after that.

Validation is huge! I find it very tempting to minimise my pain and get annoyed with myself if I have an EF out of all proportion to the trigger. It is so great when people can genuinely confirm I am not overreacting. It makes me happy when I see something on TV like a kid in bed saying "I'm scared there's monsters under the bed," and the parent gets down on hands and knees to check under the bed and reassure the kid. Everyone here is prepared to check under the bed and that is lovely.

 

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you're beginning to feel less traumatized, PC. the terror is real, the threat is real, and, i agree, this stuff is life-threatening - anything threatening our sanity or future healthy choices can, indeed, cost us our being. i'm also so glad to be part of this forum family.  couldn't have made it w/o them.  also, yes to the idea that non-trauma people, whether professional or otherwise - including anyone in the medical profession - can hurt us more than help at times.  it's a balancing act we're playing. luckily we've got each other to help.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

I'm agreeing with all of us. I think we've made important and healthy connections here that make a huge difference in our recovery. I know that no matter what comes up, I can mention it here and someone will understand. Like, really understand, not just sympathize. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone, but it does feel amazing to know you're not alone. Giant grouphug!