Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Armee]

Oh goodness. Papa C that is all too too much. Can you ask your T for an earlier and/or extra session? It would be warranted.

I'll be thinking about you today, often, and sending a solid comforting support to you.

If there's a way you can physically wear yourself out without breathing smoke....that can burn up some of the excess adrenaline. But ugh smoke. Just makes you feel trapped.

I'm sorry about your sons...both the danger and the difficult relationship with the one. That man has poisoned so much already I'm sorry he affected your family too.

And the car crash...I recall you describing another time a long time ago...that sounded like maybe PTSD....so be extra gentle with yourself as this may be a trigger.

[sanmagic7]

PC, what an awful lot to be dealing with.  i agree w/ you about the fires - i had to evacuate 2 yrs. ago - and the eerie skies, the color of the sun and the moon not being able to breathe outdoors - it truly is * on earth.  we finally had some rain yesterday, so hopefully will the rest of our state, but everyone else still stuck in those zones - they're the ones i feel for.

sorry about the rift w/ your son re: politics.  this has really torn families apart.

hopefully, you and your family members are all safe and the air clears and you can get back to living w/o horrible images such as you described.  love and a hug full of lavender for stress relief

[Papa Coco]

Rainy, San, Armee, Thank you for the comments.

I feel like being able to report what's happening is giving me a thread to hang onto for my sanity. If I didn't have someone to share this trauma with, I'd feal far, far crazier than I do now.

I got 5 hours of bad, interrupted sleep after I posted my late-night journal entry. Technically it was sleep, but in my nightmares, I was trapped in aggressive traffic the whole time, trying to get out of a disaster no one would let me walk or drive away from.  Ugh.

Armee, your suggestion to find a way to exercise today is a good one. I have an exercise bike in my bedroom, where I also have a Hepa filter going. I should mount up and burn off some energy with that. A lot of the stress is this feeling of being trapped indoors with just my traumas to think about.

I do believe this is PTSD, and it is related to the other car accidents I've come across during my lifetime. I've come across burning cars, and rollovers. AT 17 I came across a rollover just as it'd happened. There were no cell phones back then, and my memories of how I ran into the woods to the van, wheels still turning are such chaotic memories, that I don't fully remember what all I saw. I just remember a police officer finally saw my four-way flashers and came back into the woods to find us. I vaguely remember him telling me to go home. Somehow that's playing into this.

Thanks again for letting me report my situation. Again; having someone to report this to provides a sense of community that doesn't leave me sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, completely insane.  We humans are social creatures. We need each other during happy times and during difficult times.

[sanmagic7]

we do need each other, PC, which is why i'm so grateful for being part of this community.  those traumas can come up and bite us in the butt when we're not expecting them.  i hope the exercise helps and you get relief from such terrible nightmares.  sending love and a hug filled w/ a sense of peace.

[Papa Coco]

Right back atcha, San

I accept the love and hugs your sending me, and I'm sending my love and hugs right back. We humans really are all connected. 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry: Wednesday September 14, 2022

I got three hours of sleep last night. I've been up since 1am. It's 6 am now. I have a Ketamine infusion in a few hours. I'm lucky this time that Coco has the morning off and wants to drive me to and from, rather than have me Uber it.

I'm starting to notice more deeply how grateful I am for the honesty and openness on this forum.

Sometimes I feel like I act like a know-it-all. Or Like I "mansplain" too much.  I tell my T this, and he corrects me. He helps me to see that I'm so distressed by my own past, and so traumatized by it, that when I feel alone with it, I feel like my entire life has been a total and complete waste of time. He helps me to see that when I use my empathetic connection to throw my stories into the hat with others who share the same traumas I've experienced, that I start to feel like I'm not a waste of flesh and bone. I sometimes join charities just so I can feel like by giving back to others, I'm okay with what I've been through.

In other words, by using my own life as a way to help others with similar pasts, my own life was not a waste.

For those on this forum who not only feel safe sharing their lives with us, but who also allow me to share mine with you, my gratitude is no small thing. Words can't express how much healing I get from being allowed to share my life alongside yours.

I only value a few things in life: Honesty, love, and connection. Money is nothing more than a way to live in a house and have food and medical care. Life without connection with others is not life, it's a prison sentence in solitary confinement.

So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart to all of the good people on this forum who let me rant on and on at times, and who openly share your lives with me while I share mine with you. I jokingly call this my "Island of Misfit Toys". I may feel cast aside by the happy world, but now I feel like I've found others who feel the same way. I'm not alone on an island anymore. I'm with like-minded souls.  I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

I feel like all the suffering I've done was not for nothing if by sharing it, it helps others feel not so alone also.

[sanmagic7]

no you're not, PC.  not anymore.  we're right here w/ you.  love and many hugs

[Armee]

 

I am so grateful for you being here and sharing openly and with so much generosity. I would be drowning here without you sharing exactly down to the detail what you went through. And I've found myself wishing I knew you and the others in real life, but this level of connection doesn't happen because we don't speak this honestly with many friends. So I am very grateful and feel very close to you and others.

Good luck with your ketamine. I hope you get peace and connection amd relief and it lasts a long time. 

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

Right back atcha.   

You've given me many moments of peace and support also.

[Armee]

Thinking of you Papa Coco and hoping with all might that the ketamine brought peace.

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry: Saturday, September 17, 2022

The Ketamine Infusion on Wednesday was a good thing, but it was the first time I'd ever had an infusion during current day traumatic events: i.e.; The car accident and the wildfires threatening both my sons' homes.

Normally, I go into Infusion just dealing with my past traumas and their residual depression. The infusions remind me of what Near Death Experiencers report: That while they were out of body, they were aware of the eternal existence of all life and matter, and that life on this waking plane is temporary and unimportant in the realm of all eternity.  To me, while under the Ketamine, I have full awareness of my real life, but I feel like it's a dream, and I wonder why I let any of it bother me. Years ago, I wrote a short story, and posted it on my blog. I called it "I dreamt I was alive." I'll go find that story and post it with the poems people write in this forum.

During the infusion, I'm able to adjust my moods with much more control than when I'm not in the infusion. Happiness is achievable in a lot of ways during our lives, but those of us with trauma disorders, have extra hurdles to overcome if we want to bring ourselves to a higher level of happiness. Lord knows, it is no easy task. Our EFs and long-standing neural pathways fight against us when we try to intentionally uplift our happiness. It's always been my experience that I can drop my mood instantly, but I have to work pretty darn hard to raise my mood when needed.

But it seems different during the infusion. I've begun to discover that, while I'm in the infusion, if I think about the fires and the car accident, I start to feel fear and sadness. But all I had to do during Wednesday's infusion to raise my mood was say to myself "Nope. I want to be happy." It worked instantly. I had complete control over my moods. During my infusion, I had THAT much control. I just thought about happiness, and I became happy for the rest of the infusion. I WISH I had this much control while I'm "sober." Well, maybe if I keep at it, and if I gain just 1% more control over my moods between infusions, I'll eventually gain control all day long.

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
I am belated in saying this, but I wanted to say that I'm glad you're ok after those fires etc that you mentioned previously, it sounded very scary to not be able to breathe clearly.


Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Hope and Armee. Being able to breathe again feels wonderful, and last week's Ketamine Infusion moved me forward one more mile in my healing path.

Journal Entry: Monday, September 19, 2022

With all the posts about sociopaths / NPDs in leadership, I just want to share what I learned about why I go into depression so quickly. I've taken myself off the News. In March, I banned myself from reading Facebook, watching or reading news. My anxiety levels have dropped to nothing ever since. I still deal with crushing depression, but no longer with anxiety. I know the anxiety is right there, waiting for some small spark to relight it, so I'm not claiming to have cured it...I've simply put it into remission for now.

Depression, for me, comes from powerlessness and hopelessness. My ability to use anger appropriately was taken from me by family and church. I can't seem to get it back. So I must avoid situations that make me a victim if at all possible.

During my 10 sessions with the Religious Trauma Therapist, Andrew Jasko, I came to realize that my pattern goes thusly:

    --I am fine.

    --I see a conflict or a problem or bullying, or any other threat to myself, to you, or to our way of life.

    --If I can solve the conflict or problem, I'm okay.

    --If I can NOT solve the conflict or problem I go into anger.
          (Anger is normally a healthy secondary emotion, meant to help us fight for our rights. I am incapable of doing so).

    --Anger is an instant trigger:
            I was punished and humiliated my whole life by family if I ever got angry at anyone, no matter how justified the anger was. My mother convinced me, from birth to 50, that I MUST let bullies bully me, or I will die of a stroke if I ever get angry enough to protect myself or anyone, or anything, no matter how justified. The roots of my raising run deep, and anger is a bad, bad, bad trigger for me.

    --Anger triggers lifelong shame.

    --Shame turns to fear: If I stand up and fight, I'll be humiliated and risk dying of a stroke. If I don't stand up and fight, I'll be hurt. It's a lose/lose scenario.

    --Fear turns to anxiety.

    --My well-trained neuropathways firmly connect me with my lifelong sense of helplessness.

    --Anxiety and helplessness turn to hopelessness when I unsuccessfully try to escape the conflict or problem.

    --Having no way out, I surrender. I give up on life altogether.

    --Hopelessness turns to dark depression and sleeplessness.

    --Anger and depression mix together with hopelessness, and I become so dissociated I can barely communicate with anyone.

    --I begin to isolate and retreat into myself.

    --Dissociation and Depression continue to worsen as long as I feel helpless/hopeless.

    --This has, on several occasions, turned me from passively suicidal to actively suicidal, and I can't do anything to stop it without intervention. Interventions have saved me at the last minute on more than one occasion.

In summary, my anxiety and depression are pretty much because I'm not allowed to get angry enough to protect myself or others.

Because my neural pathways lead me from conflict to suicide, (Conflict/bullying > Anger > Shame > Helplessness > Loss of all hope > Fear > Depression > Isolation and quiet demeanor > Suicide) and I can't stop it without intervention from someone, I have to be very careful to not allow myself to deal with hopeless situations...Such as sociopaths in leadership. I know it exists. I can talk all day long about the concept and the reasons sociopaths have all the power in the world, but I can't allow myself to deal with specific cases that are a current threat that I can do nothing about.

I often resort to praying that serenity prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

To calm my anxiety, I sometimes draw the three circles of Stephen Covey's Circle of Influence, and I write my concerns on the paper, putting each item in the correct circle. It helps me to remember that I have a lot of concerns I can do nothing about. It helps me focus only on the concerns that I have full control over. It helps with anxiety. I used Covey's circles a lot when I was working because I was in the center of so many people's problems. I had a huge job. My name and phone number were posted all over the world. If I hadn't had Covey's Circle of Influence on my desk, I would have gone crazy much sooner than I did. As my company's structure continued to erode, I found myself less and less able to help my customers (Who were Aeronautics Engineers from multiple countries). As a Fawn Type, being unable to help my customers do their jobs, was a death sentence for me.

During COVID, they laid me off after 42 years because the sociopaths in charge felt that hiring people in India who have no experience training engineers was cheaper, therefore better. Their "cheaper is better than quality" plan must not have worked, because headhunters have been trying to get ahold of me to hire me back, but I'm DONE! They got what they wanted. Cheap labor rather than 4 decades of deep experience. Now the ball is in my court. I've turned my layoff into retirement, and I'm just ghosting them>>>Which, to me, feels like I have SOME CONTROL now over my own destiny.

It's calming for me to not feel like they have all the power over my peace anymore. I'm DONE with those selfish, moneygrubbing jerks. My wife and kids have always been grateful for the layoff, because I was planning to work until I turn 65, but my anxiety was so bad by the time they laid me off that there is no way I'd have lived long enough to see 65 had I stayed in that mess.

For me, worrying about things I have NO control over will kill me. So I have no choice: 100% No Contact with family: 100% No Contact with my former employer:  100% No Contact with churches, even to attend weddings or funerals: 100% No Contact with News Media, unless I need the information for my own, personal life, such as watching for evacuation notices.

IF I ever decide to go back to work, for any reason, it will HAVE to be a very low stress job with very low probability of conflict. Headhunters have been after me to apply for my old job back, but I'm No Contact with big corporations now and will NEVER work for them again. Big corporations are all run by SOCIOPATHs. I love talking about sociopaths, but as an observer, not as a participant. I can't allow myself to get dragged into their sick, sick games any longer.

A person who's allergic to bees, stays away from bees. I'm allergic to sociopaths, so I learn about them, read about them, teach about them, but I stay the heck AWAY from them.

[Armee]

I'm so happy you are feeling some peace and relief and that you have taken control of things related to sociopaths and know how literally vital it is to stay away. That cycle was helpful for me to read too. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm impressed w/ how you've been able to assess your emotional states as a result of not being able to be angry.  i do think the serenity prayer is good for all those people and things over which we have no control - there are so many of them!  going NC w/ various people/subjects in my life has also helped me, and i'm glad you've discovered some form of help there for yourself. 

here's hoping your infusions continue to bring you some sense of peace, and that eventually your own neural networks will be able to do so unaided.  that's the dream, right?  love and hugs