Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Hope67]

Actually, if we do our therapy right, we aren't abandoning them if we bring them into the fold and make them feel okay letting go of the shame and the memories. The past is not real.

I really agree with what you said here, Papa Coco - I also feel that supporting inner parts means they'll hopefully enjoy living on and feeling that support, rather than having to carry some of the shame and memories of the past, which aren't needed in the future.

I also share your sentiments about the healing journey having lots of tools in it, and the people in this forum being an integral part of that.  I also trust the experience and value the sharing that occurs daily in this place.

I hope that you and Coco enjoyed V-day.  I also hope that your big dental appointment was ok, and that you're recuperating.  Take care, and hope you feel better soon!

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

I also share your sentiments about the healing journey having lots of tools in it, and the people in this forum being an integral part of that.  I also trust the experience and value the sharing that occurs daily in this place.

this is a special place indeed, PC, and glad you're part of it.

i also have those times when i'm distressed w/in myself and can't quite get it together enough to respond to others.  you're not alone. love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I hope you and Coco had a nice day together and that your dental surgery went well.

I'm not sure if what your t has been doing is neuroaffective touch. In the book touch is used in combination with exploring the feelings around the distress coming up and what feels good etc to build a bond of connection that hadn't existed before (in my understanding). So, perhaps your t is also trying to be that solid connection that you haven't had before, or a sense of safety? I think there is more holding, and not sure if it's just a grounding technique (though not sure if that's what your t was doing).

For me, even reading about an exercise around the felt sense of boundaries brought up a lot of emotions and contractions in the body. I guess what I would normally label as anxiety, or feeling stressed. In the book when the client went into this state, the therapist used touch and exploring the sensations/emotions to help bring about a change in her contracted state. The therapist said, "my touch was intended to awaken and support a sensory explanation of her internal states, and my words were an invitation for her to verbalize her experience." This is helping name the feelings of dysregulation (called impending doom in the book) that the client felt at one, preverbal time. The therapist is helping her to name and identify those experiences, which her own caregiver did not at that developmental stage. So, it comes up as stress, dysregulation in the body, and the mind tries to make sense of it (impending doom) as I understand.

Sorry take up your journal with my experiences. It's such an interesting concept to me with this model and like you said, maybe it will be a tool for someone else too.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Hope, San, Dolly,

Again, thanks for the well wishes. Coco and I are very simple people. We don't aspire to travel or attend populated events. We like to chill and bum around. We spent Valentines Day getting the oil changed in my truck, and enjoying a meal together, and shopping around the used bookstores for treasures. We are getting along well. We laugh a lot when we're together. It was a very nice day by our standards. And the dentist went well. The sedation kept me from feeling anything, or remembering much. I slept until about 3:30 PM after getting home. Then just chilled around the house while my body recovered from the sedation. Today, Friday, we are going up to the mountains to visit our two grandsons, both home from school today. Again, that's how we enjoy life. We don't need vacations to other cities, we find our love here at home. For us, the stress of flying overpowers the fun of the location. I've flown enough in my life. I Hate it. I hate airports, I hate sitting still in the plane for hours on end. Most vacations I've ever seen are about drinking, anyway. We went to the Caribbean in 2018, one year after Hurrican Irma decimated the islands. Rebuilding was in progress and the people were so nice. But since we don't drink, there wasn't much to do. Once you've driven around the island and walked on a couple of beaches, there's not much more to do. Friends who still live there are planning to move back to the US because the post-Irma, Post-COVID world is turning the peaceful islands back into a year-long spring break. I can't understand why people spend tens of thousands of dollars to go someplace where all they intend to do is drink and make noise. That can be done at home for much less money.

WOW! I am just rambling like a crazy person.

Dolly, thanks for the explanations. It really does sound like NARM is different than what I'm used to.  And I'm glad you use my recovery journal to explain things that are interesting to me. I think of this journal location as a great place to just chat with friends on any topic. You were responding to my entry, and I absolutely welcome that. I have a strong need to be connected with others.

In my favorite documentary on the topic of happiness, called HAPPY (2012), one of the stories is a video of a man who gives anti-bullying presentations to junior high students. In this video he tells a story of Annie, a Special Olympics participant who has Down Syndrome. He was her coach. She was winning a foot race, but stopped a few feet before the finish line. He screamed, "ANNIE! KEEP GOING!" She refused, "No Coach." He repeated his encouragement, "But you're winning!" and she repeatedly refused. As the other runners caught up with her, they all took hands. As they crossed the finish line together, she said, "Together we all win."

I created a little sign "Together We All Win" and have it hanging above my computer monitor. I need people on my side. And when someone takes the time to respond to anything I've posted,--whether it's a single hug emoji or a thousand-word essay--, I feel like I'm not alone. I'm not struggling to catch up. I'm not having to defend my feelings or my experience. I'm not struggling to not lose because I got left behind...again. I'm not waiting to be the last one chosen for a team. If everyone could be like Annie, nobody would ever be the last one chosen on any team, ever.

Together we all win.

That's my motto these days.

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I'm sorry you feel sometimes like you got left behind, and that there was no one there to reassure you that you matter. I think it's a familiar thread on this forum 

Ok I'm glad it's not overstepping. I can be quite effusive when I connect with something and think I may force it on others when maybe they're not that interested, or it isn't for them. I'm sure it comes back to being that kid who wasn't recognized.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Can't sleep tonight. I have an interview on a podcast today. Any time I accept any invitation to speak publicly I put myself through Heck on earth. Anxiety. Worry. I always ask myself, "why can't I just be in the audience? Why do I always have to let myself get pulled up in front?" It always goes well in the end, but hokey-smokes, the worry and anxiety I put myself through for weeks prior takes years off my life.

The topic is about hypnotherapy and what I learned during my time with my current hypnotherapist. What has me so worried is I want to be absolutely certain I represent Complex PTSD as well as I can. I get a half hour. I want to make sure that whoever hears my story gains a clear understanding of what CPTSD has done to ravage my life, and how the clinical help I've received over the past 40 years has been underwhelmingly benign. As I'm a people-pleaser, CBTs and clinical hypnotists have given only temporary relief. My people-pleasing works against me when I try to be what the clinician tells me I should be. I don't really get help. I only pretend to. I want to please the CBT and HypnoT so I force myself to believe that they help me. I leave knowing I've pleased them, which makes me feel great. For a little while. They never hear from me again, so, while I'm at home falling right back into my lifelong patterns, they're in their little bubbles assuming that their ineffective treatment worked, and they continue doing it for others.

I now have a trauma therapist, and a hypnotherapist who both add a spiritual component to the clinical healing. Not a religious component. I've tried religion too, and it didn't work any better than CBT. True spirituality is when two people both understand that we are all connected. That's what spirituality means to me. When the healer cares as much about me as they do about themselves, healing happens. That's why I always say that I believe empathy is the greatest healing power in our known world. Empathy is sharing the space with a client, not just sitting there regurgitating to a paying customer what they learned in psychology college.

What I believe I've learned is that a therapist who works from their heart is a healer. Those who only work from their heads are just talking textbooks.

That's what I want to convey in today's interview but without sounding like I'm pushing my own agenda. Blending clinical training with loving spiritual presence brings true healing.

When I walk into my T's office, and when I walk into my HT's office, in both cases I can feel their spirits filling the whole room. Both of them present geniune smiles when I walk into their offices. Like their faces light up. Like they are truly glad to see me. Of all the help I've sought in my lifetime, these two people are the only two who have moved me permanently forward in my healing. All CBTS before my current Trauma Therapist gave me temporary relief. My current T has changed me. It's like most therapists are doing their job, while these two are following a calling. That's the difference between a practioner and a healer.

I am worried I'll get confused during the interview and forget to say these things. I dissociate when I'm nervous. I have all these little notes taped to my computer so I can glance at them while I'm on camera without moving my eyes, so that it won't be obvious that I'm reading notes.

GADS! I make mountains out of molehills. This is a tiny little interview on a little-known podcast that most of the world will never see and I'm as nervous as if I had been asked to sing at the Superbowl. (Hint: I don't sing so good, so that's why I'm so nervous).

I'd rather have a dentist appointment today.

Heavy sigh. I always have to remind myself that I had the option to say no. I chose to do this interview. All I have to do is breathe and trust that the world will still be here when the interview ends. Maybe I'll be able to sleep like a baby tonight...Fingers crossed!

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I hope the podcast went well  people talking about, and sharing their experiences with cptsd is great imo. So, kudos to you for doing it.

Perhaps maybe the most important thing is that you're doing it for yourself, and whether or not you "reach" anyone else is irrelevant, but that's me thinking about it. When I'm in the place of really thinking I need to do something for someone else (I guess when the people pleaser steps in) it's helpful for me to remember that she came from a very young place where saving others meant saving herself. Often this means too, that it's hard to step back from this because it's so young. I depended on caregivers who couldn't give me what I needed, and it was an environmental failure. So, these things actually trigger a sense of danger. In order to cope with that I was the one who felt they needed to take responsibility to make things right (covered in a sense of shame that there was something wrong about me because this happened). I'm reading parts of the Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma, and he does a very good job of explaining this along side of PTSD and CPTSD.

So, I understand the heavy sigh in the way  (maybe not in the way you intended) that it is heavy because we carry a lot of weight for a long time about these things. Even if you do make a "mistake" (what I'm understanding from your entry if you "forget" something), it's ok. The adult PC is doing well.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Hey, Papa C! I hope the interview went well. If you are happy with how it went do you think there might be a way we could listen? You always have such interesting and supportive things to say.

Also, I hope you got a good sleep once it was safely out of the way. I get very nervous about stuff like that too.

 

[Papa Coco]

Ohhh, NarcKiddo, thanks for having the faith in me

But I am sorry to report that I came off sounding like a manic fool. I don't know if she can use my interview or not.  She's being very kind by telling me she can do something with it, but I have my doubts. I don't know if she'll be able to use any of it or not.

After the botched interview where I went into some manic, dissociated rant, I had to sit down and adjust my assessment of who I am and how I am handling this chaotic, unfriendly world I got sucked into by being born at all.

TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION IS GRIPPING ME AND THE FOLLOWING IS DARK AND NOT FILLED WITH HOPE: Don't read it if you are trying to see the bright side of life right now. I've used white ink on white paper, so if you feel brave enough to read my dark words, just highlight the next paragraphs and they'll come into view.

I have been slowly accepting the fact that Complex PTSD has a physical component...and that, technically, it should be considered a mental illness in and of itself. According to a website called Endcan.org, "...the brain and body are still developing in childhood and are strongly affected by stressors like neglect or other abuse. C-PTSD often occurs before a child's cognitive abilities and sense of self have fully developed, affecting how the brain and communication systems will eventually develop."

For years I've been slowly, slowly moving toward using the term "mental illness," but loosely. Casually. But after I botched a simple interview after years of public speaking, I still couldn't pull this off, I felt myself ready to go from casually calling CPTSD a mental illness, to fully accepting the stark truth that I am dealing with a serious mental illness that is too big for me to handle.

I am mentally ill. I can't...CAN'T bring myself to argue with my own wife of 41 years because the second we disagree on anything I go into an uncontrolled dissociative trance. That's mental illness. After 40 years of therapy and medication and practice and learning... I can't get past it.  My favorite line in the movie about trauma, Manchester By The Sea, when Casey Affleck finally just says "I can't get past it" is where I am today. I'm in that scene. I've fought it, and struggled with this disorder for over 60 years. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars following every lead and taking every available treatment that comes up, and I can't get past it. Another example: I can't declutter my own home. I try and try and try, but every time I put on the gloves, I just get overwhelmed by the task, fall into a panic induced depression, and go take a nap. I can't get past it. I can't get past it. I make some progress, and I get past one or two aspects of the condition, but then something happens, and 40 years of help are erased as if they never happened. As suddenly as a car crash, I become a terrified little boy again.

I wake up in dread most mornings. Terrified of how life is working itself out. Filled with sorrow of the losses of people I've loved, and with worry of how my wife and loved ones will handle it if I die before them, or if I go broke and become a burden on them. This is my core wiring. I try and try, and sometimes succeed temporarily, but in reality, I just can't get past it.

I can't get past it.

I'm trying so hard to write less. But you've heard me say that before. Over and over I try to post shorter posts, but before long I'm writing novels on this forum again. It's mental illness. I don't know when to shut up. This insatiable need to figure out why I suffer internally so constantly is a treadmill that I just have to stop running on.

Last night, Coco and I talked about me calling my doctor and asking for another worthless antidepressant to go on for a few months until I can gain some control over my moods again. I HATE the drugs, but they are there when I need them. The problem with them is that they work only while I'm taking them. The minute I go off them again, I'm right back where I started from. They're not a cure, they're only a temporary comfort. Why? Because this is mental illness. I have to stop thinking I can muscle through it. I have to stop thinking I have the cognitive power to erase this problem and become a real man who was able to put it all behind me.

I don't know what's worse, being in the grips of this mental rewiring that can't be undone, or the let-down I feel every time a hopeful cure comes up short...again.

In AA they taught that in order to quit drinking I had to give in and admit "I am powerless against addiction" and need to give myself over to my higher power. It works in AA. It helps millions. I think I need to adapt that to CPTSD.

I admit that I'm powerless against the rewiring of my brain at childhood. I'm powerless against this CPTSD as a full-blown mental illness that is too big for me to erase. I have to find a way to give myself over to a higher power, because, for now, I just can't keep pretending I can get past this on my own.

For those who felt brave enough to read what I wrote here, I apologize for being who I am today. I'm not feeling too strong right now.

Okay. Trigger warning lifted. Ink turned back to black on a white background.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm really sorry you are struggling right now, Papa C.

 

[Papa Coco]

Thanks, NK.

Life is like a swirl. I ride the wave for a while and then I'm under the waves for a while. It's a schizophrenic world of churn.

[dollyvee]

 

edit: I don't know if this fits with your experience PC, but I read this this morning that made me think of what you wrote last night:

As our adult clients are strongly invested in shame-based identifications and pride-based counter-identifications, change does not come easy. Therapeutically, we see that strategies of disconnection, including shame, self-judgment, and self-criticism, emerge strongly for clients when they are moving into new territory within themselves. Often it is when clients are on the cusp of feeling something very significant, including possibilities for greater connection, expansion, and reorganization, that they will start attacking themselves and shutting down.

Heller, Laurence; Kammer, Brad J.. The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma (p. 78). North Atlantic Books. Kindle Edition.

I'm rooting for you that what happened was maybe not a confirmation of "mental illness" and failure, but the start of something new and hopeful within your system? I feel like I've been there before too. I also hope it's ok to venture that perhaps the public speaking you have done before was not on such a sensitive topic of your lived, traumatic experience where your brain might dip into "trauma brain" more easily as well as perhaps forming new ways to talk about/deal with how trauma has affected you in such a public way. Anyways, I hope you're doing better.

[Papa Coco]

Thank you, Dolly,

I'm not going to lie, I'm in pretty bad shape today.

I won't write much because I just don't have any joy in me at all. My words won't make much sense. It's good that I quit drinking 10 years ago, or I'd be going into a bad binger right now.

I'm glad to have some friends here checking in with me. Thanks everyone.

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry: Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Very emotional right now. I just read a poem by another OOTS member. It sent shivers through me. I read it a second time and almost started crying. It hit home. I could feel the words, not just read them.

yesterday I was trying to write a journal entry. I brought up my sorrow in the death of my beautiful little sister and how she has come to me in my dreams three times now. I miss her so badly I can barely stand it. She was my closest ally all through childhood. No. She was my only ally through childhood. I have no memories of her ever saying a mean thing to, or about, me. The last time she came to me in a dream she told me she had finally found peace and was isolating her soul in a way so as to recover from the unhappy, unfriendly life she'd lived here on the earth. I had to stop and delete the journal entry because I was crying so hard, I worried a neighbor would hear me through the walls and call emergency services.

They say that when we die and go to the afterlife that we experience total love, but we no longer feel emotion. Many spiritual sources report that emotion is one of the things that makes us human. After seeing my beautiful little sister so happy in her afterlife isolation in my dream, I have only that one last hope left: That maybe when my human life ends, I'll be able to feel total love without the emotion of pain and sadness to muck it all up.

Today I had to push myself to talk a little more with my wife about our financial shortcomings. It put me back into my 12-year-old self when I had tried a few times to tell dear old mom and dad that I was being abused at church and at catholic school. They told me to stop bringing my little problems to them to deal with. When I was 25, I told them in more detail what the priests had done. They sat there saying, "Why didn't you ever tell us?"

If that isn't a clear example of Gaslighting, then I don't know if anything is.

Emotionally I'm just feeling like nothing has ever changed. I'm on my own. All of my family's needs are on my shoulders. And being overburdened and outmatched is not an excuse for failing.

Retirment isn't working for me. With no job to distract me, I'm alone with my lifelong demons all day long now. Also, with the prices of everything skyrocketing, I'm in need of a bigger income. I need to find a job--but I do not want to deal with the unbearable stress of the job I held at retirement. That job almost killed me. This morning, I heard about a book that is supposed to really help with finding a purpose in life. I ordered a copy and it's supposed to arrive via Amazon tomorrow morning. Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life. The reviews are good. People say it helped them find purpose that fit their souls. I hope I'm not grasping at straws. I hope that I can find some peace from the demons of my past. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of feeling like I'm 100% responsible for all my family's problems and fears. I want to find meaningful work.

My therapist is 11 years older than I am. I'm 63. I tell him I'm afraid he'll one day retire. He tells me he has no intention of ever retiring. His work means everything to him, and it shows. He's effective. He's helpful. He is called upon to coach other therapists. I want what he has: A sense of purpose so personal that I never want to retire again.

He's mentioned that I would make a good therapist, and with two years at college, I could accomplish an Masters of Social Work which would open up a whole plethora of opportunities for me, but I can't get past my own triggers. I can't see myself helping other people without falling into the muck again myself. I don't think I'm strong enough to be a therapist on any level. So, again, maybe I'm grasping at straws, but I need to find my purpose and it needs to be a purpose that I can handle without becoming that ignored 12-year-old boy again.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm tired of being sad.

[Little2Nothing]

Papa Coco I'm sorry that poem triggered you. My heart goes out you right now. 

I will keep you in my thoughts.