Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Little2Nothing]

Wow! Well said, Papa Coco. Thank you for sharing that.

[Bermuda]

We are so connected.

I was thinking today about my military experience that I never dare mention, and rarely let myself think about, when I thought about people who were discharged with a "Failure to Adapt", and what it is that they failed to adapt to. I smiled a bit at the thought.

Failure to adapt.

It sounds so fitting for my whole life and I mean that in the most positive sense. I failed to adapt to my primary abusers whims and I failed to adapt every step thereafter. I didn't receive the dreaded "failure to adapt" but seems apt. I remember one particular person who faked insanity because he wanted to see his newborn son. Failure to adapt.

Sometimes being peaceful or doing what is right, feels like a dishonourable discharge, a failure, but it takes a lot of strength and courage to change, doesn't it?

[Papa Coco]

The trauma-demon is whispering in my ear again, reminding me that I'm not acceptable to the world. That people either hate me, or, at best, tolerate me.

I talk too much. I write too much. I reach out for help too much. I annoy people.

I annoy my wife. I annoy my friends. I annoy my readers. This is partly trauma, and partly true. I struggle to find the line between trauma reactions and rational thought. I do think I annoy people by my trying too hard to be helpful or begging too often for help. I do believe that I can be "a bit much."

I have made many attempts at writing less. Shorter. Less often. I get off to a good start, but pretty soon I'm back to writing too much again. Annoying people. In the past, my workplace peers have called me a die-hard. I thought it was a compliment until a coworker explained it was an insult. That I kick a dead horse. I can't let go. GAWD I WISH I COULD LET GO! I just can't. I believe I've let go, and then POW! The past circles around and comes back for another offensive attack.

Sometimes I isolate to protect myself from the world. Other times I isolate to protect the world from being annoyed by me.

I'll honor this next attempt at scaling back by ending here.

[Hope67]

Dear Papa Coco,
I wanted to say that I think that what you write - at the time you write it - it seems the 'right' amount to me - you always convey yourself really well and say things that are authentic and meaningful, and I've always appreciated each and every thing you've said. 

Anyway, I hope that you can see how much your presence is valued by the responses you get from the people here, because what I can see, is that they do value you.  I value you.  I hope you can see it.  Although I know that today you're feeling some difficult stuff.

Take care 
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

You know who the annoying die-hard is? That trauma-demon. I wish, for your sake, that it would just shut the  up. You don't deserve for it to harangue you like it does. You're not at all annoying in sharing this, I hasten to add. Everyone here gets it.

[Blueberry]

The trauma-demon is whispering in my ear again, reminding me that I'm not acceptable to the world. That people either hate me, or, at best, tolerate me.

That trauma-demon can go and hide under a rock and whisper dark things to itself!

I have a similar one tbh but I know what FOO mbr it's speaking for, which sometimes helps me discount it.

PC, you're certainly acceptable to the good folks on OOTS - I see that in posts responding to you. 

Wishing you a day of better self-acceptance

[Papa Coco]

Hope, Narc, BB,

This means a lot. I cried out for help with my feelings, and you answered.

Psychology talks about us having a "reptilian brain" when they talk about how we are born with reptilian knowledge of how to breathe, how to cry, and how to suckle. But right after breathing and eating, our wiring to cry for help is the next most important survival method we are born with. I don't like thinking about us as reptilian because I've never seen reptiles help each other. I see bees, elephants, dolphins, dogs and cats rush to the aid of their peers. I see elephants coming to the call of one another when one steps into quicksand. I see dogs fight to the death to protect their humans. I've read stories of cats doing amazing things when their human or their friends are in trouble. Our human wiring is more like the elephant than the lizard. We cry out for help, and our peers come to help. That's how herd mentality works. That's what the great design is. It's the benefit of being social-based creatures. Herd creatures.

Yes, I know who the demon is that whispers in my ear: I was ignored when I didn't please my FOO. They wouldn't talk to me, or even look at me if I didn't behave how THEY wanted me to. That's what strikes at me on days like today when I'm feeling ashamed of talking too much. Writing too much. Annoying my peers. Will they ignore me now? Intellectually I know they won't, but my heart still remembers that if I talk too much, I'll be ignored until I shut the H*** up. That's the past taking up space in the present moment.

Thank you all for the quick responses. I like your voices better than the voice of that old demon that keeps coming back around just to taunt me.

     

[Bermuda]

Oh PapaCoco, you are the most gentle non-abrasive person. Your words mean so much to me, and probably so many others, so keep speaking. I had also written about this, as you know, and now after reading your text facing the same thing, it makes me think about this week when my kids have interrupted and said, "MAMA MAMA!" and I have to finish my thought before I can address them, that I am also thrown into this feeling of my childhood in which I spent so much time constantly trying to say, "MAMAAAA MAAAA!" and if I wasn't silenced and punished I was ignored for hours on end. This is not my reality now. This is not their reality. We can speak.

I am only thinking about this now, and making this connection because of your words. Just existing as you are helps me so much. I felt the feeling, but I didn't notice it. I guess the best we can do is try to hear this in ourselves, and I will try to hear it in you too, and be the voices we need. "You seemed really excited to tell me something, what is it?" And genuinely mean that. I am excited to know what you are excited about, and I want to feel that way about myself too. "Did you need help with anything?" "Are you hurt?" and even just responding to ourselves with, "I'm here now."

I'm here now. We can talk. (Typing that made me feel all icky and teary.)

[Papa Coco]

Bermuda and all,

Okay. I'm feeling a tad bit better already. Thanks for "talking me off the ledge" (again).

I often jokingly call my mood swings "my ride on the CPTSD bi-polar coaster."  Gads, these mood swings. They are so all consuming. I KNOW they are mood swings, but I still can't rise out of them just because I know what they are.

I know we all get it. This coaster-ride is exhausting and relentless. We support each other and that's what keeps us going.

Thanks for all your support today. I hope to feel better soon. There's something about this time of year that is filled with regret and fear of abandonment. Actually, I know how it happened: When I was 10, my entire religious school turned on me. I was mob bullied for the rest of my childhood. Those monsters, including the teachers, taught me that even God hated me. I lived with what they'd taught me for most of my life. It all started at Spring Break 1970 when my then-best-friend wanted to have a sexual relationship with me, but I wasn't gay, so I declined his offer. He was, I know now, a sociopath in the making. He convinced all those loving little religious kids that I was the one who was gay, and they ostracized me and humiliated me every single day for the rest of my malleable childhood. They told me God hated me. They hated me. The teachers hated me. Everyone hated me. I begged dear old mom to let me go to public schools with my neighborhood friends, but she absolutely forbid it, saying "I don't care what they're doing to you there, and any other school is only going to be WORSE!" Talk about feeling hopeless against mob-bullying. As hard as I try, I can't escape the annual belief that I'm about to be ostracized again for something I said or didn't say or didn't understand. It's body memory. Year over year I don't seem able to escape it.

This year is no different.

The continued support of good people who don't see me as disgusting keeps my head above water. And I appreciate it.

My son almost died of cancer a few years ago. We now have "Cancer Sucks" stickers on all our cars. I think I should see if I can get some "Trauma Sucks" stickers to put right next to them.

[StartingHealing]

Papa Coco,

bro I feel you.  Adopted you know?  There were occasions that align with what you have stated.  Times that I talked to much, was not taken seriously, was ignored, so on and so forth.

I don't know if this will be of help to you.  For me I know that not all of my thoughts are true.  I think it comes down to perception vs perspective.  Which takes some time to get used to.  Add in that many times the thinking meat creates a story around physical / emotions that may or may not be true.  I know that this is a lot of Zen concepts.

What has helped me is to remember that I can be incorrect in my perceptions.  Then the critical thinking has to come into play.  It does get tiring at times.  I then have to tell myself that I am here, NOW.  This moment that I have never experienced before.  True that this moment may have similar flavors to moments that have come before yet this moment is different than the moments that have come before.  If that makes sense?   

 Sending you all the best.

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

NICE WORDS! I like everything you said. Never be shy about bringing Zen concepts into the mix with me. I know that psychology used to be the study of the soul. And that Jung and Freud, and their peers removed soul from it in the late 1800s and that a few therapists are reviving it now. For me, the ONLY therapies that have worked, (and I've earnestly tried most of them) are the therapies that include a spiritual component. Zen is my safe place. Anything you know about it, is welcome information on my journal.

Intellectually, I know that the past is not real. The future is not real. And the present is the only moment that is real. Sadly, I'm not so good at following this knowledge. I do let the past drag me down and I do fear the future. Even though neither is real.

This dovetails nicely with what you say about perception. It seems to me that perception is our reality--whether it's accurate or inaccurate--, and perception can be altered by such things as believing (or telling) lies, how we perceive our daily experiences, and by reaching total acceptance of things that we can't change, or of acquiring new information and seeing what we hadn't noticed before. Intellectual memories are unreliable. Body memories are reliable but subject to perception. 

I wish I could live in Zen states for longer than a few minutes a day. I'm working on it. I'm up to maybe 10 minutes a day now.

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing,

NICE WORDS!   I like everything you said. Never be shy about bringing Zen concepts into the mix with me. I know that psychology used to be the study of the soul. And that Jung and Freud, and their peers removed soul from it in the late 1800s and that a few therapists are reviving it now.   For me, the ONLY therapies that have worked, (and I've earnestly tried most of them) are the therapies that include a spiritual component. Zen is my safe place. Anything you know about it, is welcome information on my journal.

Intellectually, I know that the past is not real. The future is not real. And the present is the only moment that is real. Sadly, I'm not so good at following this knowledge. I do let the past drag me down and I do fear the future. Even though neither is real.

This dovetails nicely with what you say about perception. It seems to me that perception is our reality--whether it's accurate or inaccurate--, and perception can be altered by such things as believing (or telling) lies, how we perceive our daily experiences, and by reaching total acceptance of things that we can't change, or of acquiring new information and seeing what we hadn't noticed before. Intellectual memories are unreliable. Body memories are reliable but subject to perception.

I wish I could live in Zen states for longer than a few minutes a day. I'm working on it. I'm up to maybe 10 minutes a day now.

PC, Thank you.  I've listened to a lot of Alan Watts and I kinda have my own understanding of what Zen is.  I'm a practical dude so that is where my perspective is. How do I apply it?  How does it help me?  How does anything spiritual help me?    I've ran across some info about Freud that is not good at all and based on his warped outlook (there are indications that he was groomed as a child) and having friends that were pedo's, yeah.   I think that is why Jung went his own way.   Course Jung was not disabused of sexual relations with gals not his wife.  yeah.  I find both very sus if you know what I mean.   I do savvy that at the time the psychotherapy was trying to become more "scientific" however, you have to start thinking about assumptions you know? How much were they influenced by the science of the the day?  Obviously the removal of "spirit" from things was a major mistake.  On the flip side the typical beliefs of the 3 major religions that come out of the middle east has their issues as well.  To me there are serious issues with the dogma of the big three.  Personal opinion.  I know that certain people require that framework in order for them to have the structure they require for a decent life.   

Have you checked out sacred-texts.com?  Great resource

Time. That MF-ing thing!!!  Here something to consider.  Our sense of time could be based only on how our senses work.  There is also the concept that all events in time all exist in the present moment but we cannot access all points because we are here to learn certain things spiritually.  Then that brings in the idea of soul development and possible soul contracts and all that stuff which to me is a cool thought experiment.   us humans are story creating machines PC.  It's what we do.  I have a devil of a time with feeling a feeling and NOT attaching a "story" to that feeling.  But then that brings into question what are emotions? 

Indeed.  I have spent many a hour puzzling over all this stuff. 

I too had the past being a weight on me.  when I realized that the past is a story that I have created around the events / emotions that I have went through.  That is why reframing is so powerful.  I repeated the new story that I was a survivor not a victim to my circumstances. As an example:

By the Gods! I am here now and I have not only survived events that have driven others into psychopathy, I have also survived physical events that have killed others!  So blessed am I.  So blessed am I. 

since I have went through what I have, that has helped shape me into the kick-a55 person that I am today.  And I'm still not done  

Neither are you PapaCoco. You are not done.  We are all damaged in some manner. The concept of the wounded healer comes to mind.  I'm not responsible for certain events that I've went through, yet somehow I'm responsible for the healing from them.

Take a look into the current thoughts concerning quantum theory.  Typically the our understanding is past -> present -> future but now the future influences the present and the past.  Spooky action at distance.  Welcome to quantum weirdness.  However, when placed into a spiritual aspect then it makes total sense.  Not to mention that consciousness is a quantum state as it's a non local.   I'll leave that for your consideration. 

Meditation is a means to commune with Spirit, but meditation is also focused attention so when are you in flow?  Isn't flow a Zen state?  Isn't being in awe of a sunrise a Zen state?  What I have found is that for me, seeking the state of pure awareness is great but I can get into a similar state when I get into flow, or I am struck by beauty and fall into awe.

True but our perceptions can be changed and that is to me key.  If our perception is only this 3d realm that leads to certain conclusions while knowing that we don't know all the circumstances around events that we have gone through allows the possibility that our perception could be mistaken.   

Wishing you all the best PC
Blessings be unto you good sir

[Papa Coco]

TRIGGER WARNING: I do NOT tell anyone what to believe, but in the following responses I come clean and explain what I do personally believe. If spirituality is a difficult topic for you, you might want to forgo reading my responses in Blue/Bold.

StartingHealing: My problem is that when I get started on any "beyond-the-physical" conversation, I can start to sound real crazy real fast. In order to stay within the rules of how we talk spirituality on the forum, I need to address these ideas without breaking the rules of political correctness. Like I said, I can sound real crazy real fast. I've experienced some miracles that cannot be explained by any other method than that there is a force that bonds us all together, and that force is far, far, far bigger than any religion can even reach.

PC, Thank you.  I've listened to a lot of Alan Watts and I kinda have my own understanding of what Zen is.  I'm a practical dude so that is where my perspective is. How do I apply it?  How does it help me?  How does anything spiritual help me?    I've ran across some info about Freud that is not good at all and based on his warped outlook (there are indications that he was groomed as a child) and having friends that were pedo's, yeah.  I think that is why Jung went his own way.  Course Jung was not disabused of sexual relations with gals not his wife.  yeah.  I find both very sus if you know what I mean.  I do savvy that at the time the psychotherapy was trying to become more "scientific" however, you have to start thinking about assumptions you know? How much were they influenced by the science of the the day?  Obviously the removal of "spirit" from things was a major mistake.  On the flip side the typical beliefs of the 3 major religions that come out of the middle east has their issues as well.  To me there are serious issues with the dogma of the big three.  Personal opinion.  I know that certain people require that framework in order for them to have the structure they require for a decent life. I was raised Catholic for 20 years. Then I spent 20 more looking for the "right" dogma. I've spent the last 23 years no longer identifying as Christian or attached to any dogma. I have had far too many miracles happen to believe there isn't some sort of unseen force bonding us all together, but I no longer feel the need to have a church intervene between myself and spirit.  

Have you checked out sacred-texts.com?  Great resource No. I'll check it out though. Right now I'm still absorbing the amazing philosophies I got out of the 2014 movie Lucy with Scarlette Johnason and Morgan Freeman. VERY enlightening.

Time. That MF-ing thing!!!  Here something to consider.  Our sense of time could be based only on how our senses work.  There is also the concept that all events in time all exist in the present moment but we cannot access all points because we are here to learn certain things spiritually.  Then that brings in the idea of soul development and possible soul contracts and all that stuff which to me is a cool thought experiment.  us humans are story creating machines PC.  It's what we do.  I have a devil of a time with feeling a feeling and NOT attaching a "story" to that feeling.  But then that brings into question what are emotions?  Time is a human anchor. Without it we cease to exist in our present physical state. We use Time to believe we have control over our physical reality. Same with numbers. Imagine knowing that even numbers themselves don't exist in the greater universe. That they only have one physical purpose, and that is to give us physical measures. With time and numbers, we can continue to be physical beings. When we leave these two forces, we become one with everything, everywhere, all at once. We lose all unique identity and, with that, all physical control and are reabsorbed back into a universe that we can only accept but cannot control. That's why we struggle to not think about an existence void of time and numbers. This eeks us toward our greatest human fear: Annihilation. (My opinion).  A very powerful meditation is one where we explore giving up everything we know about existence and allowing the Universe to show us the shapeless, formless energy that isn't controllable through time or measures. (See what I mean? I can sound kind of crazy when I really start opening up). 

Indeed.  I have spent many a hour puzzling over all this stuff. Me as well. Most of my meditations are me trying to let go of my personal identity and feel my formless, shapeless existence in the greater universe. I describe my life as a 63 year and counting existential crisis. My earliest cognitive memory is being 2 years-eleven months old, and meeting my little sister on the day she was born. I asked why her name was Angela, and was told by my FOO, "Because, look at her, she looks like an angel." I've been searching for God ever since. Even my given name, James, means "he who searches for God" or "He who walks at the heels of God."

I too had the past being a weight on me.  when I realized that the past is a story that I have created around the events / emotions that I have went through.  That is why reframing is so powerful.  I repeated the new story that I was a survivor not a victim to my circumstances. As an example:

By the Gods! I am here now and I have not only survived events that have driven others into psychopathy, I have also survived physical events that have killed others!  So blessed am I.  So blessed am I.  I've been working on reframing my past also. I am who I am today because of my past. And, even through all the pain, I still like being who I am. I used to say my FOO did this stuff TO me. I now thank them for their service in creating a life that would lead me to where I am now. I now say my FOO did this stuff FOR me. Like we had a contract to lead me to be who I am right now, and they faithfully behaved in ways that drove me to be who I am.  My therapist reports that in his experience, people with Trauma disorders from childhood are the most spiritual of all his patients. That makes sense to me. People who think they're happy in meaningless, pain-free lives, have no reason to search for happiness beyond the hedonistic treadmill that has lulled them to sleep. We were not given an easy ride, so we didn't settle into being happy about the world we live in, so we have devoted our lives to searching for true happiness beyond the world of money and fluff and candy and gum. We weren't numbed by having a lot of fun on the hedonistic treadmill that the lucky people get to coast on.

since I have went through what I have, that has helped shape me into the kick-a55 person that I am today.  And I'm still not done   I feel the same way!

Neither are you PapaCoco. You are not done.  We are all damaged in some manner. The concept of the wounded healer comes to mind.  I'm not responsible for certain events that I've went through, yet somehow I'm responsible for the healing from them. Our nervous systems are based on a differential engine. We can only know happiness because we also know pain. Where some believe that people who suffer can find happiness, others believe that ONLY people who have suffered can find true happiness. We have a differential: We have experienced suffering so therefore we can recognize and appreciate the absence of suffering. This sort of helps us to understand when a super-lucky, famous, wealthy, goodlooking person ends their own life, or falls deep into crushing addiction. Because life isn't any easier for the coddled people than it is for the struggling people.

Take a look into the current thoughts concerning quantum theory.  Typically the our understanding is past -> present -> future but now the future influences the present and the past.  Spooky action at distance.  Welcome to quantum weirdness.  However, when placed into a spiritual aspect then it makes total sense.  Not to mention that consciousness is a quantum state as it's a non local.  I'll leave that for your consideration. I can take this weirdness even further. The speed of light is our speed limit. 188,000 feet per second. It's very fast, but it's a limit. If I'm in a room with you, sitting across the table, I can only see you as you were a split second ago, because my eyes have to wait for your light to travel to me. Albeit it feels instantaneous, but it's not. Being with you is caught in an immeasurably short, physical time delay. So, while we are in human form, we cannot completely share the present moment with each other. We have to wait for the speed of sound to deliver words, so that we can hear each other and for the speed of light to bring us our visual so that we can see each other. I believe that "God" is found in the present moment, which is where past meets future, but that because we still adhere to time and speed and numbers of measure, we can't quite enter that present moment. We can get very, very close. But for us to finally slip into the crack between human past and human future, we literally have to completely shed our bodies, and our belief in time and numbers and measures. We have to be willing to give up our unique identity in order to join the shapeless expanse of unified space.  Okay...Have I convinced you that I can sound real crazy once I dig into this stuff?

Meditation is a means to commune with Spirit, but meditation is also focused attention so when are you in flow?  Isn't flow a Zen state?  Isn't being in awe of a sunrise a Zen state?  What I have found is that for me, seeking the state of pure awareness is great but I can get into a similar state when I get into flow, or I am struck by beauty and fall into awe. I don't believe that sin is a punishable action. I think sin is anything that doesn't move us toward God. I also don't believe in a judgmental universe. So if we want to just live out this life memorizing sports scores, drinking beer, fishing, and ignoring climate change, then that's just fine. But I've personally grown bored with the meaningless life of living on the hedonistic treadmill. I judge no one. I personally prefer to continue owning up to my namesake, James, and my endless search for meaning, and for moving through this contract that I must have made somewhere with someone. I don't judge others for their beliefs. My own beliefs change from time to time. Here's a personal list of what I believe today: I believe in spirit guides. I believe in life after death. I believe in contracts. I believe that our consciousness does not die with our bodies, but that it recycles on one form or another. I believe in Karma. I believe Karma is erased once we understand that we are not bound to it. I believe in miracles. I believe in aliens. I believe the bible has massive wisdom in it, but that wisdom is mixed in with a lot of foolishness. I don't believe the bible is the word of god. I believe we are the word of god. Even the bible says that in the beginning was the word and the word was with god and the word was god. We were in the beginning with God. By his word, we were created. Even though I just said "he", in reality I believe God is more of a force than it is a man. I believe God is the creative bonding force of consciousness across all of creation. I hope this isn't pushing the boundary of how we are discouraged from talking about religion. I'm not judging. I'm not trying to make anyone believe what I believe. I just want to be open and transparent as to who I am and where I come frome when I write.

True but our perceptions can be changed and that is to me key.  If our perception is only this 3d realm that leads to certain conclusions while knowing that we don't know all the circumstances around events that we have gone through allows the possibility that our perception could be mistaken. Agreed   

Wishing you all the best PC
Blessings be unto you good sir
And unto you as well

[CraneWings]

TRIGGER WARNING: I do NOT tell anyone what to believe, but in the following responses I come clean and explain what I do personally believe. If spirituality is a difficult topic for you, you might want to forgo reading my responses in Blue/Bold.

StartingHealing: My problem is that when I get started on any "beyond-the-physical" conversation, I can start to sound real crazy real fast. In order to stay within the rules of how we talk spirituality on the forum, I need to address these ideas without breaking the rules of political correctness. Like I said, I can sound real crazy real fast. I've experienced some miracles that cannot be explained by any other method than that there is a force that bonds us all together, and that force is far, far, far bigger than any religion can even reach.

PC, Thank you.  I've listened to a lot of Alan Watts and I kinda have my own understanding of what Zen is.  I'm a practical dude so that is where my perspective is. How do I apply it?  How does it help me?  How does anything spiritual help me?    I've ran across some info about Freud that is not good at all and based on his warped outlook (there are indications that he was groomed as a child) and having friends that were pedo's, yeah.  I think that is why Jung went his own way.  Course Jung was not disabused of sexual relations with gals not his wife.  yeah.  I find both very sus if you know what I mean.  I do savvy that at the time the psychotherapy was trying to become more "scientific" however, you have to start thinking about assumptions you know? How much were they influenced by the science of the the day?  Obviously the removal of "spirit" from things was a major mistake.  On the flip side the typical beliefs of the 3 major religions that come out of the middle east has their issues as well.  To me there are serious issues with the dogma of the big three.  Personal opinion.  I know that certain people require that framework in order for them to have the structure they require for a decent life. I was raised Catholic for 20 years. Then I spent 20 more looking for the "right" dogma. I've spent the last 23 years no longer identifying as Christian or attached to any dogma. I have had far too many miracles happen to believe there isn't some sort of unseen force bonding us all together, but I no longer feel the need to have a church intervene between myself and spirit.  

Have you checked out sacred-texts.com?  Great resource No. I'll check it out though. Right now I'm still absorbing the amazing philosophies I got out of the 2014 movie Lucy with Scarlette Johnason and Morgan Freeman. VERY enlightening.

Time. That MF-ing thing!!!  Here something to consider.  Our sense of time could be based only on how our senses work.  There is also the concept that all events in time all exist in the present moment but we cannot access all points because we are here to learn certain things spiritually.  Then that brings in the idea of soul development and possible soul contracts and all that stuff which to me is a cool thought experiment.  us humans are story creating machines PC.  It's what we do.  I have a devil of a time with feeling a feeling and NOT attaching a "story" to that feeling.  But then that brings into question what are emotions?  Time is a human anchor. Without it we cease to exist in our present physical state. We use Time to believe we have control over our physical reality. Same with numbers. Imagine knowing that even numbers themselves don't exist in the greater universe. That they only have one physical purpose, and that is to give us physical measures. With time and numbers, we can continue to be physical beings. When we leave these two forces, we become one with everything, everywhere, all at once. We lose all unique identity and, with that, all physical control and are reabsorbed back into a universe that we can only accept but cannot control. That's why we struggle to not think about an existence void of time and numbers. This eeks us toward our greatest human fear: Annihilation. (My opinion).  A very powerful meditation is one where we explore giving up everything we know about existence and allowing the Universe to show us the shapeless, formless energy that isn't controllable through time or measures. (See what I mean? I can sound kind of crazy when I really start opening up). 

Indeed.  I have spent many a hour puzzling over all this stuff. Me as well. Most of my meditations are me trying to let go of my personal identity and feel my formless, shapeless existence in the greater universe. I describe my life as a 63 year and counting existential crisis. My earliest cognitive memory is being 2 years-eleven months old, and meeting my little sister on the day she was born. I asked why her name was Angela, and was told by my FOO, "Because, look at her, she looks like an angel." I've been searching for God ever since. Even my given name, James, means "he who searches for God" or "He who walks at the heels of God."

I too had the past being a weight on me.  when I realized that the past is a story that I have created around the events / emotions that I have went through.  That is why reframing is so powerful.  I repeated the new story that I was a survivor not a victim to my circumstances. As an example:

By the Gods! I am here now and I have not only survived events that have driven others into psychopathy, I have also survived physical events that have killed others!  So blessed am I.  So blessed am I.  I've been working on reframing my past also. I am who I am today because of my past. And, even through all the pain, I still like being who I am. I used to say my FOO did this stuff TO me. I now thank them for their service in creating a life that would lead me to where I am now. I now say my FOO did this stuff FOR me. Like we had a contract to lead me to be who I am right now, and they faithfully behaved in ways that drove me to be who I am.  My therapist reports that in his experience, people with Trauma disorders from childhood are the most spiritual of all his patients. That makes sense to me. People who think they're happy in meaningless, pain-free lives, have no reason to search for happiness beyond the hedonistic treadmill that has lulled them to sleep. We were not given an easy ride, so we didn't settle into being happy about the world we live in, so we have devoted our lives to searching for true happiness beyond the world of money and fluff and candy and gum. We weren't numbed by having a lot of fun on the hedonistic treadmill that the lucky people get to coast on.

since I have went through what I have, that has helped shape me into the kick-a55 person that I am today.  And I'm still not done   I feel the same way!

Neither are you PapaCoco. You are not done.  We are all damaged in some manner. The concept of the wounded healer comes to mind.  I'm not responsible for certain events that I've went through, yet somehow I'm responsible for the healing from them. Our nervous systems are based on a differential engine. We can only know happiness because we also know pain. Where some believe that people who suffer can find happiness, others believe that ONLY people who have suffered can find true happiness. We have a differential: We have experienced suffering so therefore we can recognize and appreciate the absence of suffering. This sort of helps us to understand when a super-lucky, famous, wealthy, goodlooking person ends their own life, or falls deep into crushing addiction. Because life isn't any easier for the coddled people than it is for the struggling people.

Take a look into the current thoughts concerning quantum theory.  Typically the our understanding is past -> present -> future but now the future influences the present and the past.  Spooky action at distance.  Welcome to quantum weirdness.  However, when placed into a spiritual aspect then it makes total sense.  Not to mention that consciousness is a quantum state as it's a non local.  I'll leave that for your consideration. I can take this weirdness even further. The speed of light is our speed limit. 188,000 feet per second. It's very fast, but it's a limit. If I'm in a room with you, sitting across the table, I can only see you as you were a split second ago, because my eyes have to wait for your light to travel to me. Albeit it feels instantaneous, but it's not. Being with you is caught in an immeasurably short, physical time delay. So, while we are in human form, we cannot completely share the present moment with each other. We have to wait for the speed of sound to deliver words, so that we can hear each other and for the speed of light to bring us our visual so that we can see each other. I believe that "God" is found in the present moment, which is where past meets future, but that because we still adhere to time and speed and numbers of measure, we can't quite enter that present moment. We can get very, very close. But for us to finally slip into the crack between human past and human future, we literally have to completely shed our bodies, and our belief in time and numbers and measures. We have to be willing to give up our unique identity in order to join the shapeless expanse of unified space.  Okay...Have I convinced you that I can sound real crazy once I dig into this stuff?

Meditation is a means to commune with Spirit, but meditation is also focused attention so when are you in flow?  Isn't flow a Zen state?  Isn't being in awe of a sunrise a Zen state?  What I have found is that for me, seeking the state of pure awareness is great but I can get into a similar state when I get into flow, or I am struck by beauty and fall into awe. I don't believe that sin is a punishable action. I think sin is anything that doesn't move us toward God. I also don't believe in a judgmental universe. So if we want to just live out this life memorizing sports scores, drinking beer, fishing, and ignoring climate change, then that's just fine. But I've personally grown bored with the meaningless life of living on the hedonistic treadmill. I judge no one. I personally prefer to continue owning up to my namesake, James, and my endless search for meaning, and for moving through this contract that I must have made somewhere with someone. I don't judge others for their beliefs. My own beliefs change from time to time. Here's a personal list of what I believe today: I believe in spirit guides. I believe in life after death. I believe in contracts. I believe that our consciousness does not die with our bodies, but that it recycles on one form or another. I believe in Karma. I believe Karma is erased once we understand that we are not bound to it. I believe in miracles. I believe in aliens. I believe the bible has massive wisdom in it, but that wisdom is mixed in with a lot of foolishness. I don't believe the bible is the word of god. I believe we are the word of god. Even the bible says that in the beginning was the word and the word was with god and the word was god. We were in the beginning with God. By his word, we were created. Even though I just said "he", in reality I believe God is more of a force than it is a man. I believe God is the creative bonding force of consciousness across all of creation. I hope this isn't pushing the boundary of how we are discouraged from talking about religion. I'm not judging. I'm not trying to make anyone believe what I believe. I just want to be open and transparent as to who I am and where I come frome when I write.

True but our perceptions can be changed and that is to me key.  If our perception is only this 3d realm that leads to certain conclusions while knowing that we don't know all the circumstances around events that we have gone through allows the possibility that our perception could be mistaken. Agreed   

Wishing you all the best PC
Blessings be unto you good sir
And unto you as well

TW: Spirituality talk.

I find your takes fascinating on spirituality, and very similar to my own. For large parts I felt like I was reading a speech by myself. I know it can seem crazy, especially when you have spiritual beliefs which are so detailed while so far removed from mainstream religions, but I see your internal logic.

[Papa Coco]

CraneWings,

Awesome! I watch a lot of documentaries on time and eternity and infinity and consciousness. It's fun to meet others who ponder the same questions I do.