Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Blueberry]

PapaCoco, you have done no wrong. You have simply participated in the cosmic cycle, witnessed, acted, and felt. And now you can let it go.

Take whatever time you need. Especially if it is spent loving yourself as you so well deserve.

  And just ignore anything I might have pmm'd.
Take care of you.

[Hope67]

Dear Papa Coco,
I just wanted to say to you that you are a much cared about person, with a huge heart, and I am glad that you are taking some time to focus on the things you need to focus on.   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Sometimes I respond to people when I shouldn't. Some days, my own drama is too overwhelming for me, and I don't feel myself able to connect beyond my own inner anxiety. Sometimes, on days like that, I say the wrong things and it hurts people. When I hurt someone else, I hurt myself ten-fold.

Hi PC,

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain right now. When you said the above, it made me think of something my t had me work on, which reflecting on it, I think was immensely helpful. Basically, to start to challenge my assumptions about what I thought someone was thinking about me or a situation by asking them something simple like, "Hey, it seems like you're angry about x with me?," or even, "it seems like you're upset about x?"

I remember driving to work with a collegue who had gone quiet and seemed like she was upset because I was making her late, and she had wanted to be there early. I took it on because it was like this unspoken tension that gave me incredible anxiety, and t just said, what if you asked her if she was upset? Honestly, when she said that, it seemed so overwhelming to do, which we talked about, but I kept the idea in back of my mind. I think I probably had another instance of something like that and t reminded me again, but eventually I did it. Looking back, it's sort of like putting a pin in all the anxiety and stopping it transferring onto me, or letting loose between me and the other person. How do I know for sure that she was mad at me unless I asked her, or that I had somehow messed up and made her late? Even if I did for example, and she had communicated what she wanted and I was responsible for not adhering to that, I could then take accountability. It didn't give her the right to punish me endlessly either (if she decided to be unreasonable and do so). Of course, I still do this and it still comes up in different facets (the many layers of relational trauma).

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

OMG Papa, what a horrific thing to witness and personally I would be in tears too. I hope you are feeling better.

Any word on the one boy who went off in the aid car? 

 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Wednesday, September 25, 2024

A lot of people said very nice, comforting words to me after my last entry. Thank you. All of you. Thank you.

The words are comforting.

Sadly, nobody has heard from the injured boy or his family since the accident. If anyone has heard, they haven't shared it with my family and we haven't found anyone who knows anything. They didn't show up to the final race day, and that's all we know.

A week ago, I was in so much pain that I made the call to the Ketamine Clinic here and scheduled a full round of 6 more treatments in four weeks. I've completed the first three infusions, and have three more to go. I'm noticing that I am less of a passenger now in the infusion, and more in control. I stay more conscious now, and while the ketamine has my mind opened up to suggestion, I'm spending the entire 40 minutes focused on living in peace. I hope to rewire my core wiring to believe peace is possible. Every time I start to feel a pull back down into the fear of the world, I just let it go and focus again on peace. I hope that it makes a lasting impression on my brain. Only time will tell.

However, since I'm still suffering, during my biweekly therapy session yesterday, my T asked me to give him a very detailed account of what it feels like to be under Ketamine. What I told him caused him to give me some information I'd not considered before. Without going into detail, we did some parts work. The part that came forward is a small boy who lives every second of the day in terror. He remembers being abandoned in a dangerous place, being led by the shoulder into a dark place, being told to not scream--and to be a good boy, and then blacking out 100% as if drugged with a powerful sedative. It remembers waking up some time later without any memory of anything happening at all. Life was good. No reason to panic.

So here's where I'm at today: I've been talking on the forum about how I've come to terms with all my past memories and I'm ready to move on. Today I would like to retract those statements. I have become aware that I still have some very scary graves to dig up in my mind's cemetery. I have learned that I have buried far more violence than I have ever consciously been aware of. The Ketamine is opening me up to allow a dislodging of something that undermines all of my adult ability to feel safe. I do NOT feel safe. Ever. This part may be the reason that I can't find safety. I feel like I'm in danger every second of every day. No matter what good things come to me I believe the other shoe is about to drop and I'm going to be punished for having felt good for a time. I am assuming that with my T's help, during this round of Infusions, I may be drawn back into my cemetery, and, if I want to get past all this chronic fear and sadness that I live with, that I'm going to have no choice but to dig up the graves of some memories I truly never believed I'd have to face.

My T has known for a long time that I have memories of suddenly waking up many times as a boy of 5-8 years of age and having absolutely NO idea where I'd been for about two hours. And this was the first time I've really felt the events that would typically lead up to that awakening. The abandonment, then the terror, then the instructions to not scream, then blanking out completely, then waking up hours later as if nothing odd had happened.

I'm still not feeling capable of commenting much on the forum. How can someone like me who is in so much pain be of any support to anyone else who is in pain? I worry that I'll keep saying stupid things that accidentally hurt people. I feel like not responding at all is better than responding badly. I would NEVER say anything to intentionally hurt anyone, but when I'm out of sorts, and distracted with my own dissociations, I hear my thoughts differently than I express them. I say things that I think are helpful, but find out later they were said in an offensive way.

It's partly trauma. I was raised with a lot of narcissists peppered into my world with the good people. I wasn't always able to know which was which. I was routinely blamed for making people miserable by being who I am. Narcissists blame kind people for everything. I always felt like I was under arrest and my accusers were saying "Everything you say will be used against you" and so help me, it was true. Even when I tried to help, my words were twisted and pulled out of context so that I would feel HORRIBLE for what they told me I'd said. So, to keep myself from feeling the fear of hurting anyone with my words, I'm going to pull back from the forum for a few more days.

This is totally about me. I'm the one who is feeling fear of saying something wrong. Nobody has accused me of it, but...like a line in another of my favorite movies, Gods and Monsters, I am resonating with the line, "I've spent my life outrunning my past, but now it floods all over me."

I will be finished with this round of Infusions in two weeks' time. If they can help me get past this, I'll start perusing the forum again, connecting with all the beautiful souls here. I miss you all. I just feel like I can't be trusted to say the right things while I'm in this painful place of my own.

[Armee]

 

I love you, Papa Coco.

[Desert Flower]

I didn't read your whole post yet Papa Coco (I'll do that later) but I just wanted to say I'm so glad to hear from you, and I'm so very glad you're here and I'm sending you all the love you need.    Take it easy and take lots of care.

[NarcKiddo]

Standing with you, Papa C.

[Chart]

Do whatever you need to do PapaCoco. We love you and understand completely.
 

[Blueberry]

Journal Entry for Wednesday, September 25, 2024

I'm still not feeling capable of commenting much on the forum. How can someone like me who is in so much pain be of any support to anyone else who is in pain? I worry that I'll keep saying stupid things that accidentally hurt people. I feel like not responding at all is better than responding badly. I would NEVER say anything to intentionally hurt anyone, but when I'm out of sorts, and distracted with my own dissociations, I hear my thoughts differently than I express them. I say things that I think are helpful, but find out later they were said in an offensive way.

 ... So, to keep myself from feeling the fear of hurting anyone with my words, I'm going to pull back from the forum for a few more days.

This is totally about me. I'm the one who is feeling fear of saying something wrong. Nobody has accused me of it, ...

I will be finished with this round of Infusions in two weeks' time. If they can help me get past this, I'll start perusing the forum again, connecting with all the beautiful souls here. I miss you all. I just feel like I can't be trusted to say the right things while I'm in this painful place of my own.

Oh Papa Coco      

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and have so much fear of hurting others. I do realise what you write here has to do with your childhood trauma, but may I please disagree with you slightly anyway w/o causing you offence? I really don't hear all these hurtful, unsupportive things from you in Zoom Group so I can't imagine you're writing them all over the forum either, tho I admit I haven't read all your posts.

So here's where I'm at today: I've been talking on the forum about how I've come to terms with all my past memories and I'm ready to move on. Today I would like to retract those statements. I have become aware that I still have some very scary graves to dig up in my mind's cemetery. I have learned that I have buried far more violence than I have ever consciously been aware of. The Ketamine is opening me up to allow a dislodging of something that undermines all of my adult ability to feel safe. I do NOT feel safe. Ever. This part may be the reason that I can't find safety. I feel like I'm in danger every second of every day. No matter what good things come to me I believe the other shoe is about to drop and I'm going to be punished for having felt good for a time. I am assuming that with my T's help, during this round of Infusions, I may be drawn back into my cemetery, and, if I want to get past all this chronic fear and sadness that I live with, that I'm going to have no choice but to dig up the graves of some memories I truly never believed I'd have to face.

It's OK to discover there's more to unpack, I mean OK in the sense that you don't need to feel somehow bad about it and officially retract your plans of moving on. Obviously it's going to be scary and frustrating or similar for you, not OK. I'm sorry you're finding out that there's so much more violence in your past, so much more terror to face. Poor Little 5-8 year old you, Papa Coco. 

How can someone like me who is in so much pain be of any support to anyone else who is in pain? ...

We're all in pain sometimes or often on the forum and we help and support each other through our pain, sometimes by simply being there and saying "I read. I resonate" or putting in an emoticon when words fail us. Other times we manage to write more despite our pain. WE includes you, Papa Coco.   

But I do hear and respect your fears and worries, which are born of trauma and not that easy to just wipe away with a handy eraser, otherwise you would have done it a long time ago.

I was routinely blamed for making people miserable by being who I am. Narcissists blame kind people for everything. I always felt like I was under arrest and my accusers were saying "Everything you say will be used against you" and so help me, it was true. Even when I tried to help, my words were twisted and pulled out of context so that I would feel HORRIBLE for what they told me I'd said. ...

This sounds very familiar, not quite the same but similar enough in my childhood. You're not alone.


Sending support, care, a magic safety blanket, that produces safety for its owner, and sending the wish that you come back on the forum whenever you need support rather than feeling you need to be in a place to give it.

[Armee]

 

[Dante]

I second what Blueberry said (or maybe third, since Armee seconded technically).  I say this as much to remind myself as to remind you, but with our upbringing we were taught that we should 100% give and take nothing for ourselves.  It's OK to not have to give all the time.  You are valid and you also deserve to receive healing - that's how we all heal together.  Sometimes we give hugs, and sometimes it's OK to receive them (and sometimes it helps the other person to be the giver too).

[Papa Coco]

Saturday Update:

I'm overwhelmed by the love I get on this site. All of you, thank you for not letting me sit in my little avoidant state without expressing your compassion.

My Ketamine infusion was difficult yesterday. I felt like I was in h*ll for about a half-hour. My nurse is going to help me next time if I go into that terrifying state of mind again. She said she could tell I was in some fear, but that my vitals were all stable, heart rate, EKG and Oxygen sensor were not moving. She said that if they had spiked, she'd have run to me to ask if she could help, but since I wasn't in any danger, she waited for me to ask for help, which I chose not to do. I later told her what I'd been through, and she's given me an offer to pop a small pill into my mouth if I raise my hand next time. The pill is a medication that calms the body for about 5 minutes, allowing me to settle back into the blissfulness.  My T tells me that Ketamine turns off the part of the brain that connects me with the outer world and basically allows me to enter my own brain without a filter. If I was feeling like I was in H*ll, then it was a H*ll that exists only inside my mind. That comforts me and terrifies me at the same time. Knowing it's just a h*ll of my own making is good. But knowing that it STILL exists within me, is terrifying. NO WONDER I keep having triggered events. If that's what lurks within me, then I need to find a way to calm it down so I can find a more lasting and permanent peace in my daily conscious life.

Before I was born, there was a TV show called "the Shadow." I never saw an episode, but I did know the opening line. A man's voice would say, "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!"  That voice rings true for me today. I now see what turmoil exists down in the darker parts of my brain. I don't realize it's there during a normal day, but it is. Stewing. Brewing. Like the deadly hot molten lava hidden beneath any beautiful snowy mountain. I now know that lava is there. I hope I can take this now to my Therapist and see if he can help me work it up and out so I can have some peace even in the hidden places of my brain.

The good news is that once I came down from the medication, I felt really good. Kind of like I'd been cleaned out from the inside. Like Housekeeping and come in and spruced up my insides. LOL.

Today I got to talk with a friend who helped me to find myself again in all this fear. He reminded me that my reactions to life are mine to work with. Triggers can still come from the outer world. My automatic reaction may be something I can't control, but how I choose to deal with the pain is something only I can deal with. If someone drops a hammer on my foot, I WILL feel the pain, I WILL scream OUCH! But from there, it's up to me to decide if or how I'll work through the pain. Will I choose to blame the hammer? Will I accuse the other person of doing it on purpose? Will I forgive them? Forgive myself? If I dropped it on my own foot, will I choose to blame my own stupid butter-fingers? Will I take an aspirin for the pain? Or will I choose to work through the pain and learn to not drop another hammer on my foot? I can't control the trigger and I may not be able to control the immediate reaction, but what I eventually do with that pain is something only I have the power to work on.

I know that pain is everywhere. There aren't many people on earth who aren't dealing with some sort of physical and emotional pain.



I am going to start visiting more parts of the forum again. I miss you all. I like interacting with you all. I learn from you. I feel connected with you. I feel like I'm ready to deal with my pain, work through it with my therapist and with you all and reengage in the world of the living.

I've missed you. I'm glad I'm feeling a bit better now.

Papa Coco

[Desert Flower]

Papa Coco, I've missed you too. I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better. And I'm very sorry you have to be going through these anguished states again from time to time. You are so brave working through all of this.    I know it can feel like you're doing the same thing over and over, but actually it does get better little by little every time. Wishing you lots of better times still and lots of love. Please only reply if you feel like it would be good for you, no need to do it just for our sakes. 

[StartingHealing]

PC,

I can totally relate with the internal hades, brewing, stewing, preverbal, no logic or reason, only emotions that feed into other emotions.

Thank you for posting. 

There are many different things that your posts bring to me.  Hope is one, a sense that I'm not the only soul struggling with things, courage, bravery.

Wishing you and yours all the best PC.