Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Hope67]

I also think you're a really good writer Papa Coco, and I always appreciate things that you write. 

[Desert Flower]

Hello Papa Coco, I just read what you wrote on writing and I like it very much.

I find it striking that once you went NC with your FOO, your words just started flowing out. And I'm so happy we may enjoy your writing here, whether you are feeling okay or not.

I only read your last post just now, and from that I gather you are feeling better? I sure hope you are.

And to me what you wrote about your mother not wanting you to be happy and not wanting you to be unhappy either, and her making it all about her, resonates very strongly. Where would that leave us and our feelings, I'm wondering. I'll think about that.

Just wanted to say hi. And I love that you're here with us.

[NarcKiddo]

And to me what you wrote about your mother not wanting you to be happy and not wanting you to be unhappy either, and her making it all about her, resonates very strongly. Where would that leave us and our feelings, I'm wondering. I'll think about that.

That resonates with me, too.

I agree with everyone who has said what a good writer you are. And you are a very readable writer, too. The two do not always go hand in hand.

 

[Chart]

PapaCoco, catching up with your journal I had many thoughts and emotions. Thank you. One thing that came to mind is that old adage about job interviews, the question that can be asked, "What is one of your biggest weaknesses?" And the idea is to prepare for that question by turning something negative into a positive. Your writing makes me think of that. It's inspiring. Indeed, this experience of Cptsd is hellish, but it is also incredibly profound. I now seriously wonder about living a life having no knowledge or understanding of what we discuss here on the Forum with assured first-hand expertise. I can't say I'm "happy" about the pain and suffering, but there is a certain "pride" in knowing that I, like everyone here, are survivors and are facing some of the most profound and difficult questions in the ideological and ethical human experience. How rich a life I am living... I've recently searched and watched a little of Joseph Campbell's interviews about heros and myths. You might claim to not be coming out of the phone booth with super-powers, but I'd like to suggest that is only because you had them already, even on entering. It's just taken this time for you to come to the realization
 

[Blueberry]

Haven't seen you around for a while, Papa Coco. Hope you're OK, and just taking a break from the forum. 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Sunday, January 5, 2025 (Yes...2025. It takes a month or two every year for me to get used to the change)

I have been off the main forum for a while as I've been focused on life and Holidays and stuff. During the past few weeks of my silence from the forum, I've been building up a better mood. My health problems are being addressed by my doctor. I've been given the homework to buy a Glucose monitor and record my readings several times a day for a week and to then give the numbers to my doctor so she can work to figure out if my issues around energy, mood, appetite, and sleep are glucose related, cortisol related, both, or neither. The Glucose is the first suspect so we will eliminate or validate that one first.

I bought one meter at the local pharmacy which repeatedly showed my glucose/blood sugars to be twice what they are supposed to be. Instead of 100-135, they were consistently between 191 an 205. That's diabetes. I accepted that I have diabetes and started committing to learning how to adjust my life to it. BUT I kept wondering if my readings were off. I didn't FEEL like my blood sugars were spiking. So I purchased another meter off Amazon (They are very inexpensive). It arrived yesterday and my readings with the new meter have all been between 91 and 135. So...I'm NOT diabetic. Not yet at least.

BUT! During this learning curve I've been on for the past 18 months, I've learned that book learning only puts information partway into my psyche. Experiential learning drives it all the way to the core of my being. Diabetes has been in my family for generations. I exhibit a lot of symptoms that tell me I'm prone to getting it, but up until Thursday it was just one of those threats: Mom used say that if I crossed my eyes they'd stick that way. Or if I got angry I'd have a stroke. Or if I didn't eat right, I'd get diabetes. Words. These were just words. I knew diabetes may be in my future, but it really didn't affect my behaviors. I talked about exercise but didn't get up to do it. I talked about eating less sugar and pasta but never did it. But experience has changed me. For me to have spent all day Thursday and Friday of this week believing for real that it was too late and that I had the disease, changed my urgency around cleaning up my life. It's real now. Ijust got back from a half hour walk. I didn't just think about it, I felt the urgency to take the walk. And I've not been eating any sugar these past few days. No one told me not to, but the experience of having diabetes for two days drove the desire to eat better all the way down to my gut. I've experienced a close encounter with diabetes and NOW I am motivated to clean up my diet and exercise because NOW it's real. It's not just words.

There's a powerful lesson in that for me. I now realize that changing bad habits is an exercise in futility if I try to change the habit without first addressing the motivation for why I do the bad habit. I quit drinking 4 times. The last time was because I was going to lose my family if I didn't. So I quit, and that was 10 years ago. The threat of losing my family drove everything I knew about alcoholism all the way to my cellular level. Once I felt the reason to quit, I never wanted another drink.

This is a concept that helps my healing from CPTSD too. I can now explore ways to experience healing, rather than only talk about it, because I now realize how experiencing something gives us the learning a book can't.

I can read about New Zealand. I can watch documentaries on New Zealand. I can talk to people from New Zealand. But I can't know New Zealand if I never go there in person. Experience engages body, mind, and soul, so it sinks into body, mind, and soul. Book knowledge and words talk to the mind. So only the mind learns. That's not the same as body, mind AND soul learning together.

This makes me aware that if I want to truly learn something, I need to consider finding a way to experience it if possible. And let's face it, the journey from childhood abuse to healthy adulthood is all about learning (and unlearning) a LOT of information.

I suppose this is why I've discovered that any treatment I pay for or engage in that does not include a spiritual component is a waste of my time and money. ONLY the treatments that acknowledge and engage my body, mind AND soul bring me any movement on my healing journey.

Examples include my trail of therapists. 7 "bad ones" and 1 good one. The 7 "Bad ones" were CBTs who talked from their brains to my brain. They'd explain why I feel like I do. They'd mansplain everything to me. It helped me logically understand the concepts they talked about, but they were like a restaurant that just wants to come to the table and talk about the food they aren't willing to serve you. My 8th therapist, who I am still seeing weekly, is a spiritual minded person who doesn't mansplain anything to me. He lets me set the pace for each session, and he finds the moments when I've conjured up a feeling, and he helps me wade through the feeling, accept the feeling, converse with the feeling, and finally thank the feeling for being a part of me. That works for me. If HE were a restaurant, he'd feed me real food, not just talk about it. I come to him because I feel so alone in life. So, he gives me what I came for when he helps me to not feel alone. He respects me enough to help me feel what I need to feel, rather than just talk about it. The guy before him just liked to tell me WHY I was miserable and why I shouldn't be. His idea of experience was "force yourself to scream into a pillow." or "Snap a rubber band on your wrist whenever you want to kill yourself." My current therapist finds ways to help me discover all my issues on my own. He gives me experiences that include body, mind and soul. He is a trauma therapist and a DBT, which is very different from a CBT. Cognitive behavioral training is just that...Training. Sit. Stand. Think this. Don't think that. Scream into the pillow. Snap the rubber band. Blah, blah, blah. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is actual therapy. It's designed to help people who have fragmented into different parts to merge those parts back together to make a cohesive team of personality traits that respect and complement each other, rather than fight internally within us.

Another example is my MDMA and Ketamine infusions. I call them my Visits with God because they tend to turn all of life's problems into nothing, while simultaneously washing me in pure Love for the duration of the treatments. I read or listen to the stories of Near-Death Experiencers who report that 3 minutes in death changed their lives forever because they felt the unbelievable love that I felt in MDMA therapy. The Near-Death EXPERIENCE reshaped their experiences everafter of what lies beyond. Not words. Not a book. Not a minister. Not a church. Experience. They saw it for themselves, and it changed them, which is what MDMA did for me.

IFS therapy, when done with a person who believes the IFS parts are as real as I am, is how they add a spiritual component, and don't just say "it's a trick of the bio-mind." It's not a trick of the mind. The characters who live within me, my IFS parts, are as real as I am. And when I started to understand that, IFS therapy went from being a fun game to being a truly healing tool.

I've done more therapies than I can even remember over the last half-century. But the ones I feel helped me permanently are:
    1) IFS therapy with a spiritually aware therapist.
    2) My ONE time with MDMA in a clinical setting
    3) My Ketamine Infusions in a clinic with an IV and a medical professional in the room with me
    4) Meditation and prayer. They're two different things but they happen in the same moment: The present moment and they both bring me the same brand of inner peace.
    5) This OOTS forum and all the people who engage with me and with each other, and who all understand what it feels like to be CPTSD. We feel each other in the ether. I'm not alone anymore.
   

A lot of good stuff has been said on the forum while I was distracted with Holiday life, so I will be slowly perusing the posts and responding as best I can.

There's another aspect of healing that I would add to Experiential Learning, and that's the two hands thing I talk about a lot. I have written it here many times, that We were born with two hands: One for giving, and one for receiving. And our healthiest moments are when we are doing both at the same time, to the same measure. That's when we become an unclogged pipeline for healing to flow THROUGH us from one soul, through us, and out to the next soul.  My time away from the Forum has taken me out of that pipeline. I like to help people, and I like it when people help me. So I feel a desire to get back into the forum now with both hands open.

You people are so good for me! I can't thank you all enough for the ways we all share in the caring for one another. The minute we say "I resonate with that" to each other, is the moment we engage our hearts and not just our words. It's comforting to have found a place on this earth during this time in history when kindness and compassion are so strong in our conversations.

We don't just tell each other what we think, we are on the forum sharing our souls with each other, asking for kindness and understanding and also giving kindness and understanding. That's body, mind, and soul engagement. And it helps. A lot.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with you about experiential learning.  I also resonate with processing a diagnosis such as diabetes.  I hope that you find what supports you in managing your wellness. 

[Papa Coco]

This morning I had a thought about the all-or-nothing thinking that we, the people of CPTSD, tend to fall into.  It's common for those of us who were raised in narcissistic environments to feel like "everyone" hates us, or "everyone" is dangerous, "everything" I do is a problem for others. Pete Walker even talks about it in his groundbreaking book, Complex PTSD; from Surviving to Thriving.

So I knew all-or-nothing thinking was a huge step for me to change in my own mind. It took years. I ask, "so why did I spend most of my life feeling like EVERYONE was dangerous?"  Duh. This morning, I was recalling how often my narcissistic elders in my FOO used the words "everyone knows..." or "everyone thinks..." on me. Narcissists have some traits that are pretty much basically true in every case: No narcissist doesn't use the word "Everyone" thinks you're an idiot, or "nobody" could ever love you, or, "you 'always' screw this up." 

Ladies and gentlemen, this morning I came to understand that all-or-nothing thinking was taught to me by my FOO elders. They used those words of absoluteness so often that I grew up only knowing the absoluteness of all-or-nothing thought streams.

All-or-nothing thinking was taught to me. That is a big epiphany for me today. It like...empowers me to work on fixing it, by finally understanding that I wasn't born broken, I was taught how to be broken, and now, as the adult with a therapist in my life, I am gaining knowledge that might help me improve on my "warm" thinking. I think of black and white thinking as hot versus cold. The goal is to wash my hands in warm water: Blended. Cold and hot blend together to create warm. In life it's good to trust those who can be trusted, while using caution around those who cannot. It's not about "everyone" is untrustworthy. It's about "some people" are untrustworthy, and it's my job to learn how to share the planet with them without getting hurt.

I just wanted to share that today. It was the epiphany that came to mind while I was brushing my teeth this morning.

I'm grateful beyond words that this forum was created, and is being managed so well, and that I have made so many friends on it. Without this forum, my overall healing journey would be incomplete and not working so well. Sharing with others, hearing your thoughts, and being allowed to contribute my own thoughts without being criticized for it, is giving me a place to thrive. Like Pete Walker's book title, I'm learning ways to thrive within the nuances of CPTSD rather than just try to survive despite having it.

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

Hi PC!

Good stuff! 

Wishing you all the best

[Mathilde]

Thanks! I read that last post, and it was really helpful. Good that you are growing! I recognise this: you are the child that ALWAYS ruins EVERYTHING for the WHOLE family and can NEVER do anything right. And the taking over of that habit. Thank you for the reminder...and good luck implementing it in your own life! Going strong!

[Papa Coco]

Maria,

I know those words too. And I'm going to add that all-or-nothing language absolutely wears me out. I can't listen to anyone anymore who uses "everyone" and "always" in nearly every conversation. It just wears me out. It's exhausting.

[Mathilde]

I understand. When you've been hurt by it, you felt the bad side of it, and it's harder to tolerate.

You are writing a few really interesting things on here. I hope you are doing well.

[Hope67]

Sending you a supportive hug Papa Coco

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Friday, Valentines Day, February 14

I have been changing a lot as of late. I've been doing a lot of reading on neuroplasticity and adaptability. Darwin said that the most important thing for survival of a species is adaptability. Humans can adapt to almost anything. That's incredibly good news to those of us who wonder if we have the ability to change. Science says we do indeed have that ability. Science calls the change process "Neuroplasticity".

Adapting can be painful but necessary to survive in a world with so much change happening all the time. Adaptability seems to hinge on our ability to utilize neuroplasticity: the ability to forge new neuropathways and fade out old ones as needed. I've been learning from spiritual sources as well as scientific sources that neurons that fire together wire together. We do have some control over our thoughts. And we do still have a few tools available to us to change how we experience life.  That, for me, is the new understanding.

I believe that healing from CPTSD requires me to include physical healing, emotional healing, and spiritual healing all together like a team approach. Neuroplasticity covers all three aspects of my being. It is a scientific way to effect change in the brain; It is a behavioral way to break bad habits; and it's a spiritual way to connect with energies of peace and love and creativity while breaking free from the energies of fear and remorse and shame. Neuroplasticity covers the whole gambit and provides a holistic approach to healing.

I can't change the world, but I can change how I experience the world.

"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive."
― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth


An example of how a neuropathway changes over time, is when a person who always wears a watch decides to stop wearing one. For at least a month after taking off the watch that person will look at their wrist many times per day, expecting to see a watch, and instead seeing only a tan line. The person has to adapt to finding the time on their phone, or on a wall clock or dashboard in their car. Every single time the person looks at their tan line, the neuropathway that leads them from "What time is it?" to looking at the correct new clock, the old neuropathway degrades just a little bit more and a new one gets a tiny bit stronger. Do this enough, and eventually the tan line fades and so does the habit of looking for it in the old location.

The scientific process for how to intentionally design and forge a new neuropathway requires a period of time with singular focus. For a brief period of time, a person should find a way to focus intently on the new location they want to travel to through their brain's web of neuro-connectors.

I've been finding ways to focus on designing a new location for where my neuropathways will lead my thoughts. I repeat some mantras on a regular basis. The more I repeat them, and believe them, the stronger my new neuropathways become as the weaker old ones fade. Here are some examples of mantras I say out loud so that my ears hear them repeatedly:

--"I'd rather be happy than [any word here]." This reminds me that my happiness isn't dependent on the world around me, nor on what I have or where I am, but that I can have a feeling joy no matter what is happening around me. It also reminds me that I still have at least some control over my ability to find happiness no matter the situation. In the science of Happiness, it's been noted by pretty much every source I've ever read up on, that the happiest places on earth can also be some of the poorest places on earth. People who have almost nothing have each other. And when people have each other, new cars and easy jobs aren't needed for happiness.

--I used to pray for God to fix my problems, Now I pray for God to teach me how to fix my own problems. This is working very well for me at this time in life. I'm starting to find wisdom that helps me get through my emotional traumas. Somehow, it changes my stance from sitting back waiting for the world to change, to stepping up and implementing my own changes on my own terms.

--I used to pray for peace on earth, but now I pray for myself to live in the energy of peace even while the chaos of the physical world continues to swirl.

--God lives in me as me. This reminds me that if I believe we are all connected, then I want to believe in that connection 24 hours a day, not just when the subject comes up in conversation. (This ability to know with every thought that we're all connected is called living in a state of reverence.) It reminds me that how I relate to others matters. Big time. If I'm kind to others, I'm kind to the whole of all life. If I'm cruel or dismissive of others, I'm dismissive of our connection as a whole. If I can continue to strengthen this thought trail, I will become better and better at rapid forgiveness of others. It really doesn't matter to those people whether I forgive them. It matters to me. I want to live in a human body that isn't full of anger and fear and resentment, so as I forgive others, I get to live in a body that is filled with compassion and forgiveness.  (I still have a lot of single focus and repetition to do to make this last one as real as I want it to be).

--Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better. (Maya Angelou) This quote gives me permission to forgive myself for who I used to be. If I say it enough, I start to feel some freedom from my own past mistakes.

These mantras are a way for me to bombard my brain with repeatedly good thoughts so as to eventually turn the tide toward being happy rather than afraid.

The process for utilizing neuroplasticity to our benefit is pretty much 1) single focus + 2) repetition. Single focus not on what I want to lose, but on what I want to gain.

I want to become kinder. I still feel frustration and anger at those who intentionally hurt others. I had to stop watching any news of any kind because I get too caught up in wanting to hate the people who are creating all the news: The car thieves, the crooked politicians, the racist cops...I get these nasty images stuck in my head, which then serves to strengthen an old neuropathway that I'm trying to let dry up and blow away. So I purposely try to avoid what I don't want to put in my head. I read or watch happy things as a way of training my neuropathways to take me to a new place after an old trigger.

I have a ways to go, but the journey of a thousand steps starts with the first one. It feels good to be connecting more with what I want to become while letting go of what I feel I was forced to be by a narcissistic and abusive upbringing.

It's not easy or quick, but I think it is doable if I can just patiently continue to bombard my brain with new expectations.

And learning that life is about experiencing it has made a huge change in how I perceive my role on the earth. If God is living in me as me, then I want to give God the experience of what it feels like to go from where I was to where I want to be.

I want to stop just living my life, to experiencing it. What does it feel like to be who and where I am right now?

The truth is I'd rather be happy than [any word here].