Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco,

I can feel your sadness almost jumping off of the screen and if it feels safe I'd like to send you a virtual hug 
I feel that fierce protector in me, wishing I could have been there to protect and shield that young boy. What you had to endure was horrendous and during a time, as you said yourself, that even mention of being gay could be a death sentence. This friend knew this and when you rejected his advances he projected everything onto you. I was writing this week and as I scribbling away in my journal I wrote, 'I fell victim to other people's darkness' I have never looked at things this way before and I think it applies with your ex-friend. His darkness was pushed on to you and he dragged other into it as well and you were punished for something that was not yours to be punished for. I hope that makes sense.

I resonate with your wanting to be alone and isolate. This has always been the safe option. In self-isolation we control what happens. The outside influences are gone and for me, I no longer have to mask anything. The disguise can slip. I think what phil72 says is true as well, that we can reject others before they see us and reject us. Alone is the safe zone but it is not the answer. Ultimately we all need that interaction with others and as you say sometimes we need someone to help pull us out of our sadness.

I hope Sad Boy will let you show him the difference between then and now and that he sees it's ok to let go.

Sending you peace and calm and hope you have a lovely afternoon

[Armee]

I just want to wrap sad boy up in a big accepting hug and tell him what an amazing amazing person he was to have protected you during those years.

And I relate to every ounce of what you've written here, about wanting to isolate but also loving people, being trapped in a melancholy that belongs to the past, and feeling like living in the past is no longer a luxury you can afford at this point in your lifespan. I know you will figure this out and you will teach others because you are inherently a connected human being. 

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Phil, Master of my Sea and Armee for the corroborating care and compassion. I am so often struck by how caring most of us with C-PTSD are to each other. This sounds like an oxymoron, but if I have to feel lonely, at least I now get to feel lonely with such good online friends. We're all feeling lonely together. And your kindness and compassion truly helps. I always feel better after I read your responses.

Armee, You are right. Our Sad parts have worked hard for decades to keep us safe the only way they know how. I need to use Maya Angelou's quote on them! We did our best with what we knew, and now when we know better, we do better. Our IFS Exiles and Protectors truly do their best for us. But they now need to know better so they can do better. They're still stuck in the past. I know it's time to put the past behind. Let's see if IFS can help me do that. So far, nothing's really helped. Ketamine helps a bit, but I need to do some talking to my internal parts to get them to feel safe enough to stop over-helping me too much.

Master of my Sea, no need to worry about sending me hugs. I like hugging in real life and in virtual life. I'll always accept a hug (from someone who's NOT a sociopath-lol). I know that you isolate even more than I do. Whenever I talk about my own issues, I know I'm communicating with yours too. And Armee's, and Phil's. Again: We're isolating together. That sentence only makes sense to those of us with C-PTSD. I guess we could call it "a trauma thing."

Phil, I wish school didn't have to be so violent for the star tuba player. You didn't deserve any of what they did to you. In your personal Internal Family of parts, I'll bet your Sad Boy and mine would be good friends.

Catholic school didn't have lockers for us to be shoved into, so they found other ways to "put me in my place" and "establish dominance" as if they were nothing but unevolved forest animals who see the world as their pack. IF there's a purpose to life, I personally believe that purpose is to evolve from the cave to space. Or from tribal warring to universal harmony. Or from survivalist animals to spiritual beings. I believe everyone on earth is evolving from animals in caves to space travelers, but we're not all evolving at the same pace. Our bullies are centuries behind us as we, the good people, are learning to move beyond our pack-mentality.

The students stayed put all day and the teachers moved from room to room to teach their assigned topics. So we kept our stuff in our little desks. To establish dominance, the Neanderthal bullies routinely rifled through mine to steal anything personal that I brought to school with me, so that way I would always know that my values were not respected and my space on the earth was not mine to hold onto. Twice that I can remember I was accosted in the boys' bathroom as other boys would either show me their dicks or pull me away from the urinals to look at mine. Having been a victim of CSA, that was fun for them but humiliating and belittling to me. My boundaries were a joke. My privacy didn't exist. My existence was a joke. I was everyone's little plaything to do with as they wished.  This was all about neanderthal positioning in the herd.

About self-sabotage:
As far as my desire to just leave everyone before they can leave me, I started to call this Self-Sabotage, but I suddenly don't like that term in this context. We are not trying to sabotage ourselves. Self-sabotage implies that we would do active things to make people leave us. I personally don't do anything to make people leave me. I DO however expect them to. Being left for dead is a passive expectation for me. So, with no intention to cause a falling out, I just fantasize about walking in on my wife and children saying horrible things about me so I can cut to the end of the story and be left alone again. It's not about trying to actively end my relationships; it's about passively waiting for the next shoe to drop.

A year or so ago I asked my therapist why I fantasize about my closest friends turning on me, and he simply said that there are times when I so firmly believe everyone secretly hates me that I sometimes just want to pull the Band-Aid off quickly and get to the inevitable betrayal and get it over with.

I'm thankful that I have evolved past that place where I used to intentionally sabatoge friendships so as to just get the betrayal over with. For now, it's more about fantasizing about being abandoned without actually doing anything to cause it.

Smoke, fire, rain, and my wife
My wife left the beach a few hours ago. She was only here two full days. But right now the smoke in Seattle is considered to be making it the worst air quality on the planet, and she has health issues that make it nearly impossible to breathe during forest fire season. My two grandsons, 11 aND 8, stayed home from school today. The older boy is nursing a powerful headache and the little guy is having asthma symptoms. They live only 20 miles from the longest-running forest fire, so their air quality is as bad as it can get, and has been that way for over a month!!!!! Luckily for me, this year, ALL that smoke is in Seattle and north, but THIS year, the air out on the coast is fresh and the skies are blue.

Rain is finally FINALLY forecast for tomorrow through next week, which we HOPE will bring the fires under control and wash the ash out of the air. So my wife, Coco, went home. (Now you know who gave me the name "Papa Coco". My grandsons named me Papa Coco because they knew her name before they knew mine. I know my place with them too...LOL!) She has to go to work on Saturday anyway. So I'm alone again for a few weeks. I can work on my IFS studies now and spend more time doing research.

[paul72]

Just wanting to send a supportive hug your way. For you and Sad Boy. 

[Armee]

I'll be hoping for relief from rhe smoke for all your loved ones. It's brutal to be in those conditions for a long time....physically and psychologically. Wildfire smoke was my area of expertise before I fled work. Sometimes in the field we think about it just as a physical health problem but it isn't just that.

Sadness and the past....it's so confusing right because the sadness is here in the present, the thing that caused the sadness is in the past, and somehow to leave the past in the past we need to....do what? This is the part I don't get. Because just admitting it belongs in the past and trying to move forward like it has past is exactly what has caused it to still be here with us. It's like we need to bring the past to the present with us and fold it into our present life in context? And that is in a way what IFS does? I'm just thinking outloud, silently lol. It's all very unintuitive.

[Papa Coco]

Hey Armee,

I'm right with you on the question; Now that we know what the problem is, how do we fix it?  I am getting very good at finding the source of all my uncomfortable moods, but so what? What do I do now?  I haven't finished the first book I've started on IFS, so I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with these internal parts that I'm meeting.

I will say, however, that now that I'm looking at life as an IFS scenario, life feels a bit less out of control. when I get in touch with my core self, I discover that my core self is at peace. Very zen. It's my clown-car filled with frightened Exiles and Over-zealous protectors that's got me careening down the freeway to crazy-town.

I feel like I am starting to get a tiny bit of control over some of my moods just by talking with the Exiles and the Protectors as they come up. I think of that old saying that it's easier to eat an elephant one bite at a time, and when I just look at my entire self as one lump, I become overwhelmed by the mess. Like with a Jig Saw puzzle, if I put together a picture one piece at a time, it eventually comes together. So it might be with my mental health. As I address each Exile and Protector individually, eventually the whole puzzle will become whole. But as I'm learning that there are multiple Exiles living in me, and multiple Protectors also living in me, I am starting to untangle the mess and see the individual parts, which means I hope to be able to start healing each individual part. I guess the damage was done by a million small cuts, so the cure can be done the same way, by talking with each and every individual thought or reaction that I have and bringing them to peace one by one until critical mass takes over and my whole self starts to feel consistently better.

Bite sized cures. Less overwhelming.

Somehow, I'm just barely beginning to disconnect from the sadness of my past.  I think that by talking with my Sad Boy and really, really talking about the fact that the abuse was 50 years ago, somehow, I'm feeling less connected to the abuse. For now.

It's early to tell, but just learning about IFS, and connecting with my various parts, is actually helping me disconnect from the pain of those parts. Like I can explain to them that the danger is gone, so they feel a bit better and not so inclined to make me feel so trapped by the pain and fear.  As an example, I used IFS to calm myself down after my friend ghosted me online. I was not only able to see that it was my Internal Exile who felt abandoned by him, and my Internal Protector who tried to get me to go crazy until I could find him and reconnect, but it was also HIS Internal Exile who panicked when I didn't respond to his email quickly enough, so HIS Internal Protector coerced him into ghosting me before I could ghost him. I would love to reconnect with him, but this is the first time in my history that I have been able to withstand being ghosted without becoming self-destructive. IFS is starting to work.

[OwnSide]

I did not read the whole journal but I just want to say that fear you referred to on the first page about "being too wordy on the open forums"? I've been here for like a day and already you've soothed me with your insights on multiple threads. I'm gonna thank you every time you reply to one of my posts.

[Papa Coco]

OwnSide,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. They mean a LOT to me. I still struggle with a lot of worries that I've said too much, or somehow got off topic and said all the wrong things, or was too "forward" with someone. Little comments like the one you gave here, go a long, long way to giving me confidence to keep sharing on the forum.

You're awesome and I hope you get a lot of good from all the awesome people here on this forum. It's really been a godsend for me and I hope it is for you as well.

[Armee]

Your detailed posts have been lifesavers for me, Papa Coco.

How you hanging in there right now?

[sanmagic7]

 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Halloween Day, Monday, October 31, 2022

I've been calling myself lazy now for many years. My therapist doesn't let me get away with it, and I think I might be starting to see why. I have a long history with him and he knows how much of a workaholic and DIYer that I have always been. So, if this isn't laziness, then what's really going on here?

The roots of my raising run deep.
I see how I'm one of the obedient type of children who never disobeyed or rebelled, but who became exactly who my parents and peers told me to become.

I can see now that when I was young, I was not the master of my own schedule. Running my own schedule to get what I want for myself was forbidden in my home, and today I still follow that rule. Someone always told me when to get up, go to bed, what to eat, what to wear, where to work, who to marry, etc, etc, etc. During my working years I was that worker who carried far more than my share of the load. I mastered every job and became faster and better than the rest of the team. This is because I believed I had to or they'd fire me. (Or kill me and throw my body in the weeds where no one would ever take the time to look for it) It's how I was raised. If I didn't do better than the average person, then I was invisible and worthless to everyone.

But in November 2020, I was forced to retire 5 years before I'd intended to.

Now I have a HUGE list of things that need to be done, but every morning I get up, drink coffee, sit down to puzzles and the computer, write some posts, and wait until nightfall so I can watch TV and eat snacks in my own, private, safe place at the end of each day. And as I sit here with the time and skill to do all my projects, nothing is getting done!!!!!  Why?

well, the roots of my raising run deep. I was raised to ignore my own needs and fervently work my tail off to help others with their needs. I had deadlines. I had goals preset for me. I learned that if I assertively set my own goal, or assertively motivated myself, I'd be punished later for being arrogant and selfish and not giving my time and talents to other people who deserved it more than me. After all, nobody wants a servant who does things for himself!

Today, I'm a 62-year-old toddler, who's Exiles and Protectors STOP me from starting any projects that are not for someone else's benefit. What is causing the laziness and lack of steam? It's fear. My Exile knows that when I want something, I will likely be humiliated and shamed for pursuing it. So, a Protector jumps in and says "Forget about it. Sit back. Relax. It's not worth it!  The inevitable punishment outweighs the crime! Wait for someone to give you a deadline and a goal so you don't get humiliated for doing something for yourself."

It's IFS at work. I need to talk to another Protector, Mr. Lazybones. He and I need to discuss how we can stop stalling and use my energy for my projects. I need shelves in the garage. I need patios poured. I need bathroom vanities designed and built. I need to build picture frames for the art I just acquired. I can do all of this. I've done all of it many times in the past, but that was when other people were benefiting from my work. I've poured patios so my kids could eat at the picnic table. I've built cabinetry so my wife can have a better kitchen (Even though I do 99% of all the cooking). I literally soundproofed a bedroom (NOT easy) so that when my youngest son was a teen, he could be a rock star at night while I slept in the next room. These projects are fun for me. I own the tools. I have the skills. But I no longer have people to do these things for. It's just me, and I'm not worth it.

Every, single day, when it's time to pull the Jeep out of the garage and set up my table saw, a dark, dark, dark cloud comes over me. I lose all my strength. I feel an overwhelming need to put everything back, and go back into the house and wait for something to happen. Up until now I've had NO idea what it was I was waiting for. I just knew "now isn't the time" to do something for myself. I am kind of wondering if what I'm waiting for is for someone to give me a deadline and a goal so they can enjoy what I build. If someone else needs these shelves, I'll build them. But they're for me. And I can almost watch little cartoons happening in my head where all these little excuses fly up out of the floor and block me from building the shelves. My shoulders drop. My back starts to hurt. I lock up and go back in the house, defeated by waiting for "something" to happen or for the cartoon excuses to be fixed.

This is good Fodder for the IFS mill. How it works out, I don't know yet. I just put the Jeep away and came back into the house. I was going to cut up some scrap metal that's been sitting in my garage for decades, but when it came time to set up the cutting tools, I lost all steam. I said "who cares if this ever gets done?" I locked everything back up and came back inside to wait out the daylight, and get started watching TV and eating snacks.

Reference to TV & Snacks:  As a child, evening TV and snacks was the only time I ever felt safe. My family was together but not talking to each other. They were watching TV. Any "issues" they may have had with me were already addressed and now everyone was focused on TV and snacks. Also, TV and Snack time was the only time I felt completely disconnected from my abusive Catholic school. This was the one time each day where I REALLY felt 100% present away from all abuse. So today, 60 freaking years later, I STILL cherish the fall and winter when it gets dark as early as 4:30PM here in Seattle. As the sun goes down, I feel myself being surrounded by the safety of nightfall. All the bad people in my life were daytime bad people. Teachers, priests, parents, schoolmates...everyone ceased to exist beginning at nightfall, so nightfall has embedded itself in my brain as the safest time of day. And TV and Snacks make me feel safe.

I am determined to take this on. I'm bored with being safe. I want to build some shelves. I want to organize and cull my clutter. I want to get picture frames made. I want to feel my body getting exercise again. I want to feel like I'm not just sitting around on the earth waiting to die because I've been retired out to pasture and am of no further value to this world.

I just found out that my community here, of mostly retirees, holds open enrollment water aerobics every weekday morning from 9:30 to 10:30 and that the pool is usually not too crowded. I was going to go this morning, but slept in. I imagine going tomorrow, but we'll see. Tomorrow I'll have to tell you if I bothered to go or if I found a dozen cartoon reasons why I couldn't go.

I have no idea how this will work out, but I am finally getting bored with being bored.

[Armee]

After a lifetime of doing for others it takes a long time to become bored of being bored. You earned that time. I do hear you. I am the same. I can do for others but not for me. I also need my TV snack time to be mine and private. I hide what I watch and read from my husband. I look forward to reading what you learn from Mr. Lazybones because I have a feeling my truth will be reflected in there too.

Stay safe, Papa C

[Papa Coco]

Oh my gosh Armee,

We live with so many of the same symptoms.

I hide my private time from others, even from my wife, also. That soundproof recording studio I made "for my son" was also for me so I could sing or play piano or listen to music without anyone hearing me. That room is in my city house. When I'm there with my wife, I now have the luxury of closing the room off when I can't sleep at night, so I can watch whatever TV show I want without her hearing me or knowing what I'm watching. I have no legitimate reason for doing so. I watch documentaries, old comedies and old crime shows like NCIS. It's not porn or anything. But for some reason I just feel more relaxed if no one is challenging what I want to watch, or saying something condescending like "Why do you like THAT show?"

And don't get me started on my music. I like piano, accordion, and classical music. So I listen where no one can hear me. And when i come to a stoplight in the car, I turn the volume way down low so other cars can't hear my non-mainstream music choice.  It's sad to have to live my life under cover like this. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, but I'm not. Not in any way. I'm just spending my life trying to do things my way while dodging criticism and bullying for being who I am.

I try very hard to make my projects private also. I have a garage that faces the street, so I like to do my projects with the door closed so neighbors can't see what I'm doing. Somehow, because I'm building something I designed, I feel stupid building it at all.  I have a fantasy of living in the middle of many acres where I can open all my doors and garage doors and still no one will be able to see or hear me building things in the garage.

This is a case of us not feeling like we have a space of our own in this world.

I haven't learned anything from Mr. Lazybones yet, but Water Aerobics starts in one hour and I'm really trying hard to make myself get ready and go do it. I fantasize that the morning exercise will give me energy for the rest of the day. I'm 50% sure I'll be there in an hour. I just have to force myself to do this. THIS is a rare case when cognitive therapy might help: Forcing myself to do something that's good for me might grease the skids and help to start the momentum of me getting off my tush and getting my life restarted.

[Armee]

Yup all that, music included, dream ro be secluded on many acres, etc

I wish you luck getting to water aerobics it will give you more energy, but going to things I hard. I'll be super proud of you for going.

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco, I really feel it in my soul when you talk about doing things (or not doing things) for yourself. It is so hard. When we do things for other people, our 'purpose' is being fulfilled. We have spent so much of our lives being slaves to others needs and wants. Their time frames and schedules, that when left to our own devices, we end up feeling lost and having no drive. Doing things for ourselves has always been 'bad'.

I also understand hiding that private time. I keep a lot of that stuff to myself as well. I am only starting to realise just HOW much I do actually keep private. I can enjoy my little pleasures without any judgment or any passing comment. It doesn't even have to be a negative comment, but these things immediately make me self-conscious about what I am doing.
I'm a fairly creative person, I enjoy writing, painting, drawing and knitting but rarely do any of these things because of comments that are/can be made. All of these things take me a long time to do. I can start something and then not touch it for months because I always have a torrent of thoughts about what other people will say or think. Or just what is the point? Who am I doing this for? Or I am just constantly criticising my own work.  Also, once someone highlights how long something is taking me, the panic sets in and I immediately feel like I have failed and lose all desire to complete that project or that piece.

The fact of it is, you deserve to do things for you. After a lifetime of serving everyone else and putting yourself at the bottom, you are allowed to want things for yourself, and you are allowed to make them happen. It's only natural that after years of conditioning and abuse doing these things isn't going to come naturally or easily. Even now, on this forum, you are a huge help and support to all of us. You are always encouraging and uplifting, I personally always take something away from your posts. Still always thinking of others.

Try and give yourself the permission you were denied for so long. Take up that space

Did you make it to water aerobics?