Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco, you always write so well and so candidly. I hope one day to be able to write as well as you.

Your insights into yourself and the work you are doing is amazing. I know I find it powerful and have learned a lot from you in a very short space of time.
You are a kind and compassionate soul, that comes through so clear in your writing, so it is understandable that this disappearance of a friend is upsetting.

I feel I understand when you talk of your sorrow for the amount of pain in this world. Once you see it, it is impossible to not see and it can invade everything. It's almost as if we are drawn to it, it stands out to us because we recognise it more clearly than anything else. It is the one thing that we truly understand and because of that we see it and we want to change it. But separating ourselves from the pain of others is a tricky task. We take it onto ourselves and make it our own.

I hope that this doesn't continue to distress you for long and you continue to remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong  It sounds like the IFS work you are doing is going to be really helpful.

Sending peace and calm your way

[dollyvee]

Dolly, Thanks for chiming in also, as you and I are both in the IFS learning mode right now. I chose to call this my Inner Victim because I don't know enough about IFS to know why a person would be called an "Exile." I expect that as I read deeper into the books and learn more about how IFS works, that I'll begin to grasp the reason for why "exile" was chosen to describe the victims inside my head. For now, I understand this person who is inside me as a victim, so for now I'm temporarily calling him that.  I'll call up my inner Maya Angelou and repeat another version of my favorite saying, I'll call him a victim because that's all I know. When I know better, I'll do better. Ha ha. My own customization on Miss Angelou's great wisdom.  Luckily, for now, even though I really don't grasp the whole concept of IFS, what little I do know is proving to make this a much lighter hit to my Inner "Exile" than it normally would be.

Hi PC,

I think it's amazing that you're continuing to explore and make sense of your inner world and what's going on inside you. I think in IFS, the part is termed exile because it suggests that it is part of a whole that has been cut off, and what we do to the emotions inside us that cause us pain, fear, guilt etc, but underneath it is the sense that it can return and we can be whole again. I guess by definition a victim is someone that has something done to them and suggests an underlying power imbalance. It could be that way too with an exile, but our psyche's are the ones doing the exile. In the case of the victim, it would suggest that there is another, external force (part) that is doing the victimization, unless maybe there is a part of someone else (like an inner critic in the form of a parent) that we have internalized that is then acting in a way where we would be the victim. I know it may seem like a very tiny difference, but to me, it sets up, or reenforces,  the idea/belief that you are flawed from the beginning, or that there is something inherently wrong with you, and is why I thought that maybe there was another part active or perhaps was blended with you. I can imagine you might be feeling this way after what happened with your friend, but I don't think it's the case that there's something wrong with you, and your Self wouldn't either. Maybe Self is already trying to change that belief by having you change your verbiage as well. These are just my thoughts, and don't want to impose any interpretations.

Glad you are finding relief in this and it's really amazing to watch the progress you're making. Thank you for sharing,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Sea, Thanks for the encouragement on my writing style. You are a good writer too. I know that it is hard for each of us on the C-PTSD forum to clearly see our own strengths. That, for me, is one of the great benefits of this forum; as each of us struggles to see our own strengths, our peers and friends on the forum are quick to help point them out to each of us. That negative bias that we've been discussing, about how we are prone to see the negative and pain much quicker than we can see the joy in the world, plays a big role in our need to complement each other and point out our strengths to each other. I'll help right now by sharing that I think your writing is good. You are clear, easy to follow, and, above all, you're authentic. While reading your posts, I feel like I'm in contact directly with you, your heart and your soul. That's a sign of a strong writing skill.  I think that one of the reasons we, on this forum, tend to be mostly good writers is because most of us are fawn types, who are tuned to put ourselves into the minds of our readers, and then write in ways that are easy to receive.

We on this forum don't just want to be heard, we want to be understood. So we practice writing skills that are understandable.

This one paragraph is like a resume: I have a lot of writing practice. From December 2011 through December 2017, I was a novel writer. I have published three novels. When I started writing I was not too good at it, so I joined a whole bunch of different writer's groups, some led by experts, others were just peer support groups where we read each others' work, critiqued each other, and helped each other learn how to write better. During my time on the job, all during the 1990s and beyond, I was an adult educator for aeronautics engineers, and in that world, I learned that storytelling is the most effective way to help listeners/readers retain the knowledge in the presentation. I also have a lot of experience in communicating across cultures. From 2003 to 2020, I was the global contact for about a hundred thousand aeronautics engineers from a dozen or more countries, including the UK, Russia, Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Mexico, India and South Korea, to help them gain access to critical job training for their unique job roles. I learned a lot about how to be thorough and difficult to misunderstand. I can't count how many times engineers told me "I am so glad I finally found you. Everyone else I've tried to get help from kept giving me bad information". (Hence my belief that 70% of the working world is incompetent. 30% has to fix everything the 70% keeps messing up because they really don't care about their own jobs).

See how giving me a compliment about my writing made me remember that I have skills? Tomorrow I won't remember any of what I just told you. Tomorrow, I won't even be able to write a paragraph about my skills because I'll probably be back into my negative bias wondering why anyone, anywhere even talks to me. That's how our negative bias works. Complements are temporary; criticism is permanent.

Actually, I believe that a negative bias is a survival skill that keeps people from walking into alligator infested ponds, or from crossing the street without looking both ways. A negative bias is how humans and animals remember to add caution to what they do. By remembering the dangers of something, we avoid repeating damaging mistakes. C-PTSD just adds a lot of power to the negative bias, making us remember the danger in things that we think are real today, but they are actually from our pasts. That's why we isolate and protect ourselves a little too much. The negative bias, in its pure form, is a good thing. But with C-PTSD it just gets a little too much airtime in our heads.

Dolly, Great Explanation!  Now I can grasp why Exile was chosen to describe the parts in us that start the EFs we go through. It makes perfect sense, and I agree that thinking of those little painful parts of myself, that they have been exiled...not victimized. It is a subtle difference, but it changes the whole perspective on where I stand when I talk with these parts.

To me, exile is a very powerful concept. Much more powerful than victim. You may have read some of my posts that talk about how I truly believe there are only two forces in this world: Good is when we living beings try to bond our souls together, (Connection = Love = Good), and Evil is anything that is meant to exile or offend or ostracize or disconnect any soul. (Disconnection = Exile = Evil). My theory is supported by the IFS concept of being an "exile" which is the worst thing a soul can feel.

Thanks for helping me understand the term Exile. It helps while I struggle to find time to read more of Dr. Easley's book.

[Master of my sea]

Thank you Papa Coco. I appreciate that very much. I have always loved to write. I once aspired to be an author. I spent years writing short stories and even attempting to start a novel (multiple times) but more often than not, I destroy what I write. I delete it or throw it away. I always think it's awful. I also suffer from wicked writers block  So to have you say what you have means a lot. I have a personal daily journal I write in and I find that sometimes once I start, I can't stop. Whatever was trapped in my head in that moment just floods, down my arm and out of the pen. I have always been able to communicate better through writing, I think it's because I have more time to process and think. Words often fail me in conversation (especially an emotional one) but I always seem to find the words when I can stop, think and write them down. And lately I have found it to be very therapeutic.

Those are impressive skills and something to be proud of. Maybe the next time you need a reminder, you can come back here and read your post again and I can do the same  You have a lot to offer and your words are valued here.

I like how you have described negative bias and how c-PTSD gives it so much power. It's just another example of our survival instincts going into overdrive. Another thing that many around just don't quite grasp. There is far more to changing it than 'just being positive'.

I'm glad we have this space full of others who do understand.

[dollyvee]

Dolly, Great Explanation!  Now I can grasp why Exile was chosen to describe the parts in us that start the EFs we go through. It makes perfect sense, and I agree that thinking of those little painful parts of myself, that they have been exiled...not victimized. It is a subtle difference, but it changes the whole perspective on where I stand when I talk with these parts.

To me, exile is a very powerful concept. Much more powerful than victim. You may have read some of my posts that talk about how I truly believe there are only two forces in this world: Good is when we living beings try to bond our souls together, (Connection = Love = Good), and Evil is anything that is meant to exile or offend or ostracize or disconnect any soul. (Disconnection = Exile = Evil). My theory is supported by the IFS concept of being an "exile" which is the worst thing a soul can feel.

Thanks for helping me understand the term Exile. It helps while I struggle to find time to read more of Dr. Easley's book.

Hi PC,

I'm glad it resonated with you. It's very interesting to see the differences in approach to IFS. It's interesting too, in your explanation of parts that there seems to be a winner and loser - good and evil, victim and prosecutor. I think you might find Richard Schwartz's book, No Bad Parts interesting. I haven't read it yet, but understand it's very good at how to integrate all these parts of us. I see IFS in terms of Dzogchen which is also known as the "Great Perfection or Great Completion" where all elements are brought to abide in non-dual awareness, known as Rigpa, which is the innermost nature of mind. So, we bring everything, all duality, back into the Self, or our inner most nature of mind, which is calm, abiding and non-dual. I think it's a very powerful place.

I found/find it difficult to know sometimes when I'm blended. It does help to stand back and ask how do I feel towards this part? Am I curious, compassionated etc and if there is something else going on, I ask that part to come forward and then we can have a chat. Sometimes there are numerous parts.

Hope you'll be able to retain some good thoughts about your writing tomorrow.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

HI Dolly,
Yesterday I told my therapist I was reading up on IFS. As I'd suspected, he told me that he knows IFS very well.

When I told him that I believed good was connection, and evil was disconnection, he corrected me by teaching me that the word sin is a Hebrew word the means "missed the mark."  Over the centuries, our religious and political puppet masters have assigned a sense of shame and fear to the word sin, to make it feel like an offense. Their goal was simply to control us by making us feel ashamed for not serving them. But sin is not an offense, it's simply a term that tells us when we miss the mark and slow our own progress toward unconditional love. So, sin isn't something to shame or punish us with, it's just a word that describes certain acts as not being productive toward global peace and love.  That explanation sort of softens my version of good v evil and makes it into a concept we can work with.

Hi Master of my Sea
Writing has been the best thing I've ever done for myself to force me to step back and describe my life as a narrator/observer. I learned so much about myself and my situation. Like you, I write better than I speak. I've been a public speaker, and a comedian, and a singer...but back when I spoke publicly, I did a lot of himms and haas and uhhs. Sometimes I forgot what I was saying midsentence, even in front of a hundred or more people. Videos made of me speaking showed a nervous man, wringing my hands and moving around the stage like an antsy toddler. But apparently my content was always interesting enough, and what I'm told was my "endearing" ability to connect with the audience, somehow made up for my lack of smooth delivery. I recently tried starting a podcast, but found that when the microphone is turned on, my brain goes blank. Because of anxiety, speaking or podcasting are a part of my past and are now off the table. But writing is still there for me. Writing gives me a chance to think through my next words, or even go back and correct what I say before I show it to anyone to read. It gives me time to research my claims or learn something new for my next sentence. Writing takes the glaring eyes off me. When speaking to someone face to face, or on stage with a microphone, those glaring eyes are anxiety inducing. Once the anxiety starts to rise, I'm screwed. My mouth can take on a life of its own and start saying things I didn't want it to say. LOL. So writing gives me a chance to slow things down and disconnect from peering ears of the listener, so I can keep my anxiety levels down while I communicate.

I have to say though, that when I wrote the post 2 days ago, where I talked about realizing I have skills, as soon as I posted it and turned off my computer, I started nervously stressing over wishing I hadn't said those things about myself. Right away, I felt like I'd just boasted like a sociopath and that I'd just irreversibly embarrassed myself. My Inner Protector, the one who raises my anxiety so I'll immediately go back online and try to delete what I wrote, sprang into action. I resisted. I decided to let my Inner Protector go on making me want to delete my post, but, instead of giving in and deleting the post, I used the anxiety as a practice session to talk with my Inner Protector, thank him for his years of service, and let him know that I'm okay with what I wrote and I'm willing to stand tall against any fallout that might ever come from it. My Inner Protector calmed down when I told him I felt strong enough to stand up for what I'd written.

I'd encourage you to keep writing. Writing is a powerful way to narrate our lives as observers and learn about ourselves as we write. My novels are a fictitious story about a boy who went through a life VERY similar to mine. By writing fiction, I took a lot of pressure off myself. I was now a narrator, not a victim. The writing flowed comfortably because it was fiction. I wasn't so connected to the pain when I was writing it about someone else. Whenever I try to write actual memoirs of my actual life, I feel a TON of anxiety and messy thoughts that won't organize themselves onto the page. But as a fiction writer, it was very easy to write about a pain I knew a lot about, but it wasn't me feeling it...it was a fictitious character. Much easier to write when it's not me I'm writing about.

I very often fall back on this quote from Flannery O'Connor, "I write to discover what I know." For me, those words are as true as any I've ever heard.

In fact, many of the long posts I've written and deleted, even though I deleted them, I still learned something about myself by writing them.

[Armee]

 

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco, what you say about writing, I really connect with. The processing time, the chance to think and the opportunity to tweak, all make it a much easier form of communication for me. Even down to text or a phone call, I will usually opt to text someone rather than call them. I have always hated things like ice-breaker exercises and having to speak in group situations, especially if it's personal in anyway. The only time I've never had an issue with public speaking is when I used to perform in school. But I think that was because I wasn't me per say. I was playing a part.
I have really tapped into writing in recent weeks, with posting here and using my personal journal. It's become part of my daily routine to write at least a couple of sentences each day. I don't edit myself in my daily journal and through writing I have discovered some things that I had forgotten? buried? It's been tough at points but it's almost like writing in my journal, it's become this space where my mind can almost let go. I've yet to read back through it, I'm not ready to do that yet. I just let the flow happen now until it stops naturally or I end up disassociating and forgetting what I was writing. It's just gone.

I'm glad you resisted and didn't delete your post. It seems that you are really starting to build a connection with your Inner Protector and some understanding is starting to happen between the two of you. Well done for all the progress you're making 

I am finding writing really helpful and plan to continue doing so. The words of encouragement help too  I have a feeling it is going to help me discover a lot. Maybe one day I will end up writing that story like I have always wanted to. I'm also hoping that by writing the way that I am, my journals will be useful tools for when I finally get back into therapy. Help bring some coherence to my thoughts.

I've not heard that quote before but it's good. I can see the truth in it.

I haven't yet deleted a post and I hope I don't. But I have deleted big sections from my journal and I often remove sentences and the odd paragraph from a response. The fear of sounding foolish or saying the wrong thing is strong. I am also much more restrained here than in my personal journal. I suppose because no one else will ever read that unless I allow it. I hope to lose some of that restraint and fear and post more freely. But for now I am just grateful where I can post and communicate what I am capable of at the time.

[dollyvee]

HI Dolly,
Yesterday I told my therapist I was reading up on IFS. As I'd suspected, he told me that he knows IFS very well.

When I told him that I believed good was connection, and evil was disconnection, he corrected me by teaching me that the word sin is a Hebrew word the means "missed the mark."  Over the centuries, our religious and political puppet masters have assigned a sense of shame and fear to the word sin, to make it feel like an offense. Their goal was simply to control us by making us feel ashamed for not serving them. But sin is not an offense, it's simply a term that tells us when we miss the mark and slow our own progress toward unconditional love. So, sin isn't something to shame or punish us with, it's just a word that describes certain acts as not being productive toward global peace and love.  That explanation sort of softens my version of good v evil and makes it into a concept we can work with.

Hi PC,

That's great your t is familiar with IFS and you can talk with him about it I wonder if there is something in the concept of power with children of NPD parents. I know t and I have worked on it in the past in EMDR, the feeling of being powerless. It's something that narc's do, they have no sense of self, so they have to be powerful over everyone. I also get into power struggles with authority figures because I tend to question the information I'm given. What I like about Dzogchen, is that although they teach you trust and devotion, they also say that you can question your masters/teachers; you are not just supposed to take their words for it, but it is something you must practice yourself to see the truth and validity in it.

I think that's a very beautiful way of looking at sin - that at the end of the day we are human and trying our best, and we deserve to be loved as we are.

I used the anxiety as a practice session to talk with my Inner Protector, thank him for his years of service, and let him know that I'm okay with what I wrote and I'm willing to stand tall against any fallout that might ever come from it. My Inner Protector calmed down when I told him I felt strong enough to stand up for what I'd written.

 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Friday, October 14, 2022

This morning I woke up early. As usual I started thinking. Thinking brought memories. Memories brought regrets. Regrets brought a sense that I don't deserve to be connected to the world. I'm too broken. I'm invisible. I'm flawed. I don't deserve to take up the space I occupy. My unforgiving memories and relentless regrets are the witnesses who prove that I deserve to live in emotional exile from the world. Sort of like saying, "I've been bad so I need to be exiled."

I immediately tried using IFS to talk to this part of me who feels exiled because I'm flawed. I quickly connected with a new Inner Protector who, for now, I will call "Hopeless & Unfixable". He steps in whenever I feel hopeless and unfixable. I asked him to tell me about himself. He said "I'm the one who's given you a lifetime of stomach problems." I knew he was right, because as I regretted a million little, irreversible actions from my past, I could feel my stomach filling with the familiar poison that gives me so many medical issues, from gastritis to GERD to ulcers. No one can touch the top of my stomach because the pain is so intense that a simple touch feels like stabbing knife wound.

Hopeless & Unfixable showed me that when I close my eyes, he shows me that I'm adrift in space, invisible to the world, rejected by God and humanity alike. The stomach pain is a way that he talks to me through my body. The problem is that he's helping me die slowly so I can just cut to the end and be terminated from existence without bothering anyone. Accept my fate. Disappear and give my spot on the planet to someone more deserving.

This was a grand event for me. Being able to talk to this Protector got me excited enough to get up and write down my experience so I wouldn't forget it, like I do with so many nighttime thoughts. As soon as I jotted it into my personal journal, I felt the urge to write it in this journal also.

But as I watched the coffee maker slowly brew my first cup, I had an epiphany. I have trauma problems, but I also have real life problems. The two are not unrelated. As I waited for the coffee, I realized that my life is loaded with physical problems that I created for myself by trying to establish some space for myself. But I've been trying to establish a space for myself through physical means, when the true emptiness I feel is emotional. Like the old song, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

This morning, while talking with my Inner Protectors about how they handle my Inner Exiles, I clearly see that I spend a lot of money, time, energy, trying to establish a space for myself in a world that I believe doesn't want me in it. I buy things that make me feel like I own a part of the physical world, because inside I don't feel like I own any of the emotional world. I used to be driven to publish books, perform on stage, rescue the downtrodden, solve other people's problems, because those actions gave me temporary sense that I mattered. Look at the word Matter. When I say I believed I mattered, I'm saying that for a few minutes here and there I wanted to feel as if I was made of matter, rather than vapor or invisibility. Matter takes up space. I work hard to take up space in the world of matter because I don't believe I am able to take up space in the spiritual fabric of all things of God and Man. So I buy my position on the earth. I perform on stage so people will see me. I write so I can have a presence on Amazon. I do too many things on the earth that are driven by my unsatisfiable urge to matter to God and Man.

In a movie that my wife and I saw yesterday, one of the characters told the other that he admired him because he authentically takes up a space in the world. That line hit me profoundly while in the theater, and came to my rescue this morning as I pondered my own sense of worthlessness and invisibility.

I've spent my life fawning over others because I don't feel worthy of being my authentic self. It explains to me why I can fight like a warrior for the rights of others, but I cower and hide when I need to fight for myself. I believe others have the right to occupy space in life but I don't.

What will I do with this new epiphany? Not sure yet. BUT I do know that epiphanies don't reverse themselves. When I learn something this profound, it changes me. So for now, I don't know how I'll use this knowledge to heal one more step in my healing journey, but I know that it will move me forward. I can't unlearn what I learned this morning.

[Armee]

This is incredibly profound, dearest Papa Coco. Profound to the extent it will take time to sink fully in. The things that happened to you....it would make a kid want to disappear. To not matter or to not be made of matter. I wish I had been there to wrap you up and help you be safe, to feel that you as a human exist not for anyone but for yourself and to let you know you are not bad, not at all.

Keep existing just for you and all those lovely necessary important parts of you.

[Hope67]

This was a grand event for me. Being able to talk to this Protector got me excited enough to get up and write down my experience so I wouldn't forget it, like I do with so many nighttime thoughts. As soon as I jotted it into my personal journal, I felt the urge to write it in this journal also.

I am glad you shared this, plus everything that you wrote in your journal entry - it is a big realisation and sending you a hug    Papa Coco.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I'm so happy for you and the epiphany you had with your parts 

dolly

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Tuesday morning, October 18,2022

Depression. Melancholy depression.  I've learned that Melancholia, or Melancholic Depression, was the first ever term for what we today call PTSD. Coined by Hippocrates in 400 BC, Melancholia is the type of depression that brings sadness. 

That's me. Melancholic and constantly living in the past. I sit alone in this house, missing my past. It wasn't always good. I've been suicidal since 12 years of age, but between the sad moments, there was a lot of fun. Friends. Family. Parties. Jobs I enjoyed. Performances I used to give on stage. Things that balanced out the hard times with moments of bright joy. When I was younger I had a future. No matter how bad things got, I always had that sense that the future might be better. Well, I'm aging and the future is vaporizing. I have to learn to enjoy the present because the future is small and the past is painful to look at. So I sit under the blue sky feeling every emotion I've ever felt while sitting beneath the same sky.  It's sadness. Sadness at the loss of all those friends and good people who've since died or left the city.

IFS Exercise for today:
Last night, as I sat on a lawn chair in the warm evening, listening to the surf of the ocean, I was suddenly in touch with an Exiled part of my personality whom I have known all my life. Nobody liked me when I was in elementary school. For years and years they would only say mean things to me. No one said a nice thing. No one included me in any fun activities at school. I was exiled because my best friend was a narcissist who was angry that I didn't want to be his lover-boyfriend.

This Exile, who I will call Sad Boy, was my only friend for many years. He was ostracized at school. The laughing stalk of the entire school. Everyone hated me. Even the teachers were cruel and left me to deal with the bullying on my own. My mother expressly forbid me from ever standing up for myself. I was to "ignore them all" so she could escape having to deal with my being "bad" so that's what I did. I knew that if I'd have stood up for myself, and gotten into a scrap at school, Mom and Dad would have been seriously angry that they might have to talk to the principal about me, and that they would be totally ashamed of me for standing up for myself. I didn't have the guts to disobey them. Keeping them calm meant more to me than protecting myself from bullies. They were my parents. So I learned to sit and stare at the sky, wishing I was someone else...somewhere else.  Today, 50 years later, I still do that. And the loneliness still feels the same as it did then. My core self has not changed from age 10 to age 62. My core self is still paralyzed with sadness over the fact that I can't be included in anything fun or bonding with my peers.  So, Sad Boy has me sit around my house, alone, all day and all night, not wanting to put myself into social situations where someone might turn on me again and drive the rest of the participants into calling me names and humiliating me for being who I am.



My Exile doesn't want to do anything with anyone. He just wants to live alone, in total isolation, with the sunshine and the rain and the birds and the trees and the ocean. It's why I live here. Most of the houses around me are owned by vacationers who seldom use their homes. So my yard and house are normally very quiet.  My neighbor to the South did show up this weekend with his adult kids and their STUPID dogs. Barking dogs. Constantly barking dogs.  And I don't have the courage to confront, because in my lifetime, confronting neighbors about their barking dogs, music, or loud cars, has not gone well. My Exile, Sad Boy, was taught to NEVER confront or stand up for myself, so I feel compelled to just sit in torment at the barking dogs 3 meters from my computer desk.

Alone, and unable to bring myself to do anything fun, I get angry at the world. People in the US seem to believe they are entitled to offend anyone they want to. Spoiled, entitled jerks. Would this neighbor have retaliated if I'd have politely asked him to quiet his dogs?  Who knows? He just bought the house. I've only met him once. He could be the nicest guy in the world. But I can't risk it. I wore headphones all weekend long to drown out the offensive, selfish A-hole and his Dogs. I spend a LOT of unnecessary money and time and energy nursing my PTSD. I went on Amazon yesterday and purchased $150 worth of electronic bark control devices that I can set up on my property and leave turned on. That way maybe I can train his dam dogs for him since he's too arrogant to train them himself. It's sad. I could have saved $150 by just asking him to bring them in the house for a while.  I also spent some time online looking for a house for sale that was not near other homes. I fantasize that I live on many acres, right in the center, where no one else's noise can reach my home. It sucks. Being too afraid to stand up for myself takes away so much peace for me. Makes me not even want to live in my own home.

The neighbors and their stupid dogs are gone now, and I HOPE I don't see them again for the rest of the year. It was just a beach weekend for them. My kids bring their dog to the beach when they come visit me too, but their dog never barks. She's more intelligent than their dogs I guess. Smart enough to not yap all day long like mental cases.

My melancholy sadness is offset by my anger at the world for being such a sucky world. Bullies are everywhere and I can't stand up to them.

I learned recently that "holding my boundaries" is a poor metaphor, because it insinuates that to be happy I need to be behind a boundary. It's actually kind of a lonely vision.  What I've learned recently is that a better metaphor for wanting to be involved in the world is "owning my space."  People like me, who were taught to NEVER stand up for myself, and that for being who I am, I can be turned on and exiled by my own peer group, don't have a space on the earth with our name on it. I now can see that the most beautiful thing I could possibly feel today would be that I have a space on this planet that is rightfully mine and no matter what anyone says or thinks of me, I have that space and I occupy it with confidence.

My wife has been gone for a couple of days and she's on her way home right now. She should be here in about 2 hours, and I'm glad. Being alone isn't working out for me these last few days. I'm too melancholic and I need someone to drag me out of the house on bike rides or meals or to the movies or something. My wife has been my best friend for almost 40 years now and she loves me for being who I am. It's time I have a talk with this Exile, Sad Boy, and try to find a loving way to help him to stop feeling so lonely. All that exiling happened 52 years ago. It's time Sad Boy sees that today's friends are far better people than those nasty catholic kids and teachers and nuns and priests were. Most of those people are probably dead by now. If they've left the earth, WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE MY HEAD?

Hiding from a world of bad people worked for me when I was 10-14. But it's not the right cure anymore. I'm a social creature who has been punished for 5 decades for not being what my gay friend wanted me to be. I really hope that through IFS I can help Sad Boy lose his sadness.

The positive side to what I've been through is that I have become a fervent advocate for LGBTQ people because I have walked a thousand miles in their shoes, and I now know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that their extremely high suicide rates are not because of who they are, but are absolutely, 100% caused by the bad, evil, horrible, hateful people who bully them for being who they are.  No one bullied my x-friend for being gay, because he lied and told the whole world that I was the one who was gay. It was 1970 in a religious school. Being called gay in that scenario was almost a death sentence. I paid the price, not him. Now I stand up for the rights of other LGBTQ people in ways I won't stand up for myself.

In summary, I've been let out of my jail...Sad Boy needs to stop holding onto the steel bars like he thinks the door is still locked. Life is for the living and yet I continue to live like I'm already dead. What a waste.

[paul72]

Hi Papa Coco
Thanks for sharing this with us... so much resonates with me.
Nobody liked me in school either. I was just different... not cool for sure. I walked the school halls during breaks alone, even though I was the star tuba player 
I was bullied, thrown in lockers, and never met a wedgie without my name written on it.
I have a sad boy part too... seeing him now has left me feeling that melonchaly depression as well.

What really hits me from your post though is the wanting to be alone... i suppose we all do this in different ways to different degrees, physically, emotionally, whatever it takes.
My daughter said yesterday  that it seems like her boyfriend might break up with her. She said (half in jest i think) that she'd break up with him before he broke up with her.
She's good, honestly (first boyfriend, young, confident)... my point is that maybe that's why we choose to be alone. We can reject others before they see us and reject us.
Something I'm going to reflect on thanks to your sharing. (forgive me if irrelevant for you)

I hope you have a wonderful afternoon with your wife. It isn't easy sharing with our partners. I sometimes highlight the beauty of my sharing with my wife just because it is so amazing, when it happens. But, sometimes there's a lot more that just is left unspoken.
I think you're right about hiding not being the cure.... and I wish along with you, for a better way to present itself.

As for Sad Boy, I hope you can show him his goodness and that he isn't too afraid to let go of those steel bars, when the time is right.
Much love,  friend.