Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

the one thought which came to mind while reading this post is 'i get it'.  i've met many bad people in my life.  it can certainly be overwhelming.  the reality of our world truly shows how power and/or greed can cause people to act solely in their own best interests, dam the rest of us!  i'm so glad you've got a place to go to especially to get away from those frickin' dogs!  horrible horrible horrible!!! 

HSP - yep.  too sensitive for this world.  nothing wrong or shameful about that - we're all wired differently.  i've often wished things didn't hit me so hard, but there it is.  they do.  so what.

please keep taking care of yourself as best you can, ok?  i do hope you find a way to release some of that anger w/o hurting yourself (or another).  it's got to be a terrible feeling to know you're holding so much.  love and hugs, PC.   

[Armee]

Please feel this. I am sending one big long hug each to your 7 year old,. Who I wish I could protect. I wish I could keep those bad things from ever happening and I wish since they did that I could wrap him up and make sure he knew he didn't deserve what did happen and to do everything to keep him safe after that. It is unconscionable that no one did anything and you are right that is what happens routinely and it IS WRONG.

And I am sending another big long hug to you now. I am sorry your neighbors and wife are not helping you with the dog issue. It would take very little for them to file the complaints. Even though you feel this as fleeing a little but also see it as protecting yourself and setting up a place of peace...I also see you standing up for yourself, refusing to solve this problem for others. I'm angry for you.

Your trusting relationship with your wife is beautiful. You are beautiful. I don't want to contradict you. But perhaps the report of you being anxious from the day you were born is not entirely true. Perhaps that isn't your nature. Perhaps you were looking into their eyes because you are uniquely wired to connect. Perhaps that story of you being anxious was used as a way to gaslight you from the very beginning. They wanted you to believe it wasn't what they were doing to you, but some inherent defect. I don't believe it. I don't believe you were born anxious. I think your environment shaped you into anxious. And really just * them all for doing that to you.

[paul72]

 
Sorry Papa for the very difficult time you are in.
Funny story since I don't have comforting words coming...
We have a 2 dogs - our youngest is a 3-year old german shepherd. Incredibly smart animals.. and we've been fortunate that my w has been home a lot and he's turned into such  well-trained, incredibly loving, yet protective dog. I was terrified to get one. From 10-weeks old when we got him, i put my face to his.. i knew i had to get over it.
Luckily, all has gone well and he's really just like a little boy around our house, one that has only known girls
Our neighbour, believe it or not, has a wolf. That wolf leapt a 7-foot fence into our back yard one time. It was scary as heck.. our shepherd was still tiny and our older sheltie wasn't much for defense (though to his credit he sure tried).
Anyway things could have gone really badly but they didn't. We now enjoy this wolf so much.. imagine hearing the howls every day... just ridiculously beautiful.
But... that was good fortune and it doesn't always go that way. That wolf used to terrorize the neighbourhood until they really secured the fencing all around.
But us, we'd help catch her... she loves us now.. she'll even lay on her back and let us rub her belly.

A good dog is a wonderful gift, but a bad one is a nightmare. I'm sorry for this and for the need to leave your spot...
I think "I'm so glad he has another spot to go to".. and then I think "I sure wish he didn't have to go"... it's nearly impossible to balance the need to be alone with that of being connected.

Anyway.. long way to say that I'm wishing you well, that these EFs pass.. that you have a beautiful last week in this spot.
As for releasing anger... my protector had a sword of all things. But it was too terrifying a weapon.... it had to be put down... I'm not sure how to release it myself when it comes.
Maybe it's from growing up thinking that anger is too dangerous.
When I yelled at my parts this weekend, I spent some time telling them how anger was ok.. that it didn't mean I didn't love them. It just meant I was human. I wanted them to know that yelling at them was wrong, but that the feeling I had was ok. It seems like anger is a tough one for a lot of us. I'm hoping to start communicating more about it with my parts. It can't hurt.

Sending lots of love your way.. forgive my dog story... all i really want is to let you know how important you are and how much I wish I could help you. You're a good one.. it's true, and I believe you're exactly right about how it's so hard to find. We've found it here and I'm thankful for you and with you

[Papa Coco]

Dang, I wish we all lived in the same neighborhood. You would make such awesome neighbors. I'd have neighborhood BBQs every week if you all lived near me.

Crackedice,I hear you for sure. Being a fawn is a target, and we can't blame good people for seeing us as the helpers. I remember a time when I was a manager of a group of corporate instructors. One of my direct reports, an instructor, sat down with me and asked for advice. She said, "I don't know why I can't get ahead. I go into meetings with the executives, and I get them coffee. I arrange their travel for them. I do everything for them, and then when there's a promotion, they give it to someone else." To that, I replied, "It seems like you've shown them that you're a really good secretary, so perhaps that's what they think you are." Her face lost all its color. She sheepishly replied, "Oh my gosh. I never thought of it that way before."

I guess I'm now experiencing the same phenomenon. I help everyone. I'm the fawn. I do what fawns do. I fawn. I never ask for help. I've taught people how to treat me. I'm the self-designated servant.

And Phil, since your Shepard is well trained, I'd be okay with it living here. Our last dog was a female Sheltie. Her predecessor was a male Corgi.  Such good dogs, both of them. Protective, loving, proud, loyal, unbelievably smart. If either of them ever escaped an open gate, we'd find them sitting on our own front porch waiting to be let back in. Even when they escaped, they wouldn't leave their own home.  Both dogs lived with us for 15 years each. That was 30 years with dogs. Today, Coco and I choose to not have any pets. We are just kind of burnt out on having to take care of them, worry about them, watch them age, cripple up, lose their hearing, and pass...tearing our hearts out in the end. We don't recover from it as quickly as we used to.

San, I feel the same way often. Part of me cherishes my HSP, but at times I just wish I could turn it off and be a numbskull. Ignorance is bliss. Selfishness is relaxing. How luxurious it would be to just want what I want and not care about the people I hurt to get it. No guilt. Restful sleep.

I wish my sensitivity had a volume nob that I could twist up and down at will.

Armee, It took a while to read your post because I couldn't stop crying through it. I DO feel this. I DO feel your hug. My life has been defined by a single sentence. I feel lonely all the time. I define my life as being lonely in a crowded world. Loneliness is my greatest foe. It's with me night and day. It's with me when I'm surrounded by friends and family. Sometimes it hurts more when I'm with friends than it does when I'm alone. There's something deflating about being lonely in a crowd and knowing that there's no cure, not even being surrounded by people, which makes the chronic loneliness feel so much more malignant...incurable.

I suppose this is truly why I always try too hard to connect with people. I try and try and try to connect. It's the only thing that brings me true joy. But for me, it's always temporary. I connect. Then a few days later, the connection fades away. Or I say something stupid and break the connection with my big mouth. As per the rules of my raising, love is a conditional reward, given sparingly and only when I've been helpful on that one day.

Yesterday, Bermuda had asked us when we remembered our symptoms starting. I responded that for me it was at about 7 or 8 when the blackouts started being a problem in school.  Today, I told you all that my anxiety went all the way back to birth. But did it? Armee, you are most likely absolutely correct, that being born HSP is not the same as being born Anxious. And you're right. I DO yearn to connect with people. I suspect that women learn much younger what I was too dumb to learn until I got old, that when you look strangers in the eye, a certain percentage of them, especially men, interpret the eye contact as sexual interest. I don't talk about this too often, but as soon as I started working at 16, in restaurants, I started having to turn down a lot of offers from men to go home with them. At 19, I joined Gyms, and found the same thing. It really didn't stop until I hit about 30 or so. Now, of course, I'm a fat old man with bad knees, and no one thinks twice about my habitual need to make eye contact and connect. It's one of the joys of growing old. It's safer to just be me.

---

I think that maybe now I can see that what's happening here in my neighborhood is not the problem, it's the trigger. The problem is it's the week before Christmas and I'm 7 again. That's the year I remember the CSA happening around Christmas play rehearsal. Perhaps my wife is fine with me moving permanently away because she cheekily expects me to return home as soon as the Holidays are over. I'm suddenly envisioning 7 y/o me, with a tiny suitcase packed with stuffed animals and threatening to run away from home. I complain a bit about her, but that's what we spouses sometimes do. The truth is she is a very smart person with an uncanny ability to see the simple solutions to other people's self-induced dramas. She's on the autism spectrum, and tends to cut to the end of the story. She likely expects me to be home a few weeks later feeling better. We'll see. Time will tell.

For now,  I'm going to see if I can try to limit my time on the forum, only because I don't feel like I'm my rational self, and I shouldn't be saying too much while my head is in this EF. Maybe I'll try...try...to limit my thoughts until they're more coherent. I don't know. We'll see. I'll probably be on again later. I don't know what I'll do.

I'm a passenger in my EF right now.

To all of you: Thank you. Your support as I ride this sled to the bottom of the hill means a lot to me. You all ease a bit of the loneliness that defines me. I know I try a little too hard to connect. That's the only thing I know of to give relief to loneliness. Connection. Thanks to all of you for being tolerant of that habit of mine.

[Armee]

Whatever you need to weather the storm, Papa Coco. It's OK to come here and be less rational than usual if it helps you. If it hurts than of course take all the break you need. This is a very very tough week for you and whether you are here posting or not, I'll be thinking of you and sending whatever you need to make it through to the other side of these weeks. I don't know if it's true for you but for me there's the anniversaries but the weeks and months after also continue to be an issue, and that makes sense because it isn't just the event(s) there's also reliving the reactions (our reactions) to those events. It takes time, as you know, to recover. Be safe. Be kind to you. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm sorry your kindness and eye contact were taken for more than a friendly nature. Yes, women (girls) learn that early by necessity. It's why many of us walk down the street with with less than friendly glare.

[milkandhoney11]

My life has been defined by a single sentence. I feel lonely all the time. I define my life as being lonely in a crowded world. Loneliness is my greatest foe. It's with me night and day.

PC,
what you said there about loneliness resonated so much with me and nearly moved me to tears. I've always felt as if I didn't really belong into this world because I was so lonely wherever I went and no matter how hard I tried to maintain connections and friendships, they always faded away way to quickly. It's as if I could literally watch them wither away in front of me even while I was trying to save what was left.
It's terribly hard to live like this but I feel like I have found a little bit of hope since I have joined this forum and met all of you wonderful people. The ides that we could all be neighbours and have a BBQ together is just wonderful...
I've never had someone I could trust in my life but now I feel like there are people who will always be there for me and it means so much. I hope that you will also feel the same.
Please, know that I am always here if you need anything at all. I completely understand that you might need some time for yourself and I agree that sometimes we need a little bit of separation from the outside world in order to be able to heal. But, that said, I just want to repeat what Armee said: we are always here and we welcome all your thoughts, no matter how irrational they may be
Take care, my friend

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I read your post and I don't think you have to apologize for the anxiety, I get it. I also have bad experiences with neighbours and had a similar level of anxiety with my neighbours in my previous apartment. So much so that I too moved. It was like they would start stomping on the floor when I was doing dishes in the morning. It was something really passive aggressive and I felt like I sounded like I was being crazy for mentioning it to people and/or explaining how it affected me. Same with my current neighbour (she's the kind of person who has to know what all the neighbours are up to etc) and I have a noise machine running in my bedroom 24hrs so I don't have to hear her slamming doors, or the mysterious tapping on my walls. I'm a very light sleeper and that just made me feel so unsafe. I feel like some people like to be intrusive and passive-aggressive and I just don't have the barriers to keep those things out, which also led me to look at HSP in the past. It also led to me a similar conclusion about people like you and I'm sorry because it's not a very good feeling to have. It sounds like you've made a good decision to deal with the situation though and something that is safe for you.

I also relate to what you said about these things starting from birth (still in the mothers womb for me). Mothers pass a lot of chemical signals to their infants during pregnancy which affect the child. For me, I've come to realize that my experience of my mother's narcissism and my relationship with my mom (and seeing her as a source of stress and chaos) probably started at a preverbal time. It's not like she had a drastic change when I was born and became a narcissist with a very anxious, fragile sense of self/hostility etc. She was those things while she was pregnant with me. Mark Wolynn talks about this in It Didn't Start With You and has a chapter on how influential early parent child separation is on the child's development among other early factors.

Also, it's interesting in reading some Stanislav Grof, who wrote about transpersonal psychology, that a lot of his patients' experiences on LSD were dealing with unresolved traumatic births and trauma in the womb. He talks about a book that I've had on my list for a while by Leni Schwartz called the The World of the Unborn and how to care for your unborn child. It tweaked my interest about the relationship between mother and child and how impactful that is even before you are born.

I find being in nature very relaxing, and before I moved from the old neighbours, was one of the highlights of my day to go on a long walk and help reset my stress levels. I'll be thinking of you at the seaside relaxing and resetting yours. Also, the other part of me is thinking if you have security cameras to catch those dogs on your property.

Sending you support 
dolly

[Bach]

Hi, Papa Coco,

I just wanted to tell you that I've read your recent posts and I appreciate the way you share here.  I seldom have the energy or the courage to write so candidly about what I'm going through.  You encourage me with your openness about your struggles.  I am here thinking of you and wishing you the peace, hope and healing you so need and deserve.

[Papa Coco]

Once again I'm overwhelmed by the love and support in this forum.

I saw my therapist yesterday, and am able to see even more clearly that my anxiety is about past events, and this one bad neighbor is just the trigger that has thrust me into a serious Emotional Flashback, taking me back to when the sexual abuse started at Christmas time in 1967. There I felt attacked, threatened with life-or-death punishments,  unprotected, and unable to get the support of my own family to help stop the abuse.

I've been responding to another thread about religious abuse, which has forced me to really, truly see the depths of despair that live deep, deep, deep in the darkest parts of my brain.

I want to thank each of you for coming to my side as I endure this EF. I know that most of you are in Holiday Season EFs' also. And, to tell you the truth, being supported by people who need support also means more to me than if you were all doing just fine. I feel like we're all on a small ship in a big storm, and we're hanging onto each other, tending to each other's wounds, comforting each other, while being comforted by each other at the same time. It's very heartwarming.

Amree, thanks for the encouragement, and for your opening statement:

Whatever you need to weather the storm, Papa Coco. It's OK to come here and be less rational than usual if it helps you.

Also, about how women learn younger how to avoid eye contact, Over the years, I have learned that to be true, and that has made me much more careful about how boldly I interact with women in public. When I was a rape victim advocate, I would show up at hospitals to tend to a woman who was there for a rape exam, and nurses would reassure me that I was welcome because, even though I was a man, I was very non-threatening. Even so, I never stood between a victim and the door. I never got too close. I kept sweaters in the car, gave them one if they were cold, vending machine snacks if they were hungry. I didn't ask any questions about what had happened. I just let them lead and I followed. I answered their questions about what was going to happen tonight. I gave them names of people who they could call for help when they felt better.  It seemed to be helpful, especially since everyone there was male, the cop, the doctor...and they were asking the humiliating questions. My job was to be on her team. And I always asked her if she wanted me to switch out with my wife. She was an advocate also, but we had shifts. If the call for an advocate came in on my shift, I went. No woman ever took my offer to switch out myself for my wife. I guess I'd learned how to be safe.  I get why men can be scary and I respect it whole heartedly.

MilkandHoney; Your sense of loneliness breaks my heart as much as mine breaks yours. Back to how we are all on the same small ship in the big storm, our co-compassion on each other means the world to me. Back when I was writing novels I made that point a lot. Being tended to by my own peers means more to me that being tended to by people who don't know what I'm feeling. I think you're an amazing, compassionate, earth angel, just like the others on this forum. We're earth angels, standing up for each other. That means more than I can even verbalize.

Dolly; Like you, I still really can't pinpoint where all this anxiety originated. My two older sisters used to tell me opposing stories about my birth. They were teens when I was born. One, the sinister sociopathic demon, told me Dad used to grab Mom by the throat and hold her against the wall during my time in the womb. The other sister, a good person, but with a pie-in-the-sky tendency to forgive Mom and Dad too much for her own sanity, would say the Narcissister was lying to try and keep gaslighting me. God only knows what really happened. They're all out of my life now, and most of them are dead or gone. The Narcissister changed her name and fled the state shortly after she stole dad's inheritance money after he died from "falling down the stairs." Again: another mystery I'll never solve.

So thank you for your opening statement that I don't have to apologize for my anxiety. I really don't know for sure where it started. I just know about many of the contributing events that worsened it as I aged. I just know that there are times (like now) when I absolutely cannot control it.

Bach, Thanks for appreciating my sharing. I'm an old man with nothing to lose. I've learned that when I just open up and tell the deepest truths, it seems to help others. So I don't bother trying to save the world by marching in the streets or pulling puppies out of burning buildings...I guess I just contribute with what I have in my pocket, which is a lot of tangled up memories, stories, hugs... Please don't think that you have to do what I do. If you are more comfortable and feel safer being more reserved, then you are wise to not try to be the opposite of that. We each have our role, and we are each best served by being true to who we are. If you want to become more open, do it slowly and carefully. Respect your own anxiety. I'm me. You're you. I have a strong fondness for you because of what you do share. 

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm thinking of you too. Again; we're all hanging on to the same railing on this little ship in this big storm.

[Armee]

 

You understood dearly what those women needed, Papa Coco and I can see why no one turned you away. I'm sorry you were hurt by men, too. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for men to heal after sexual abuse given so many layers of society standing in the way of men getting support. 

Very wise about the door. I used to get very very freaked out when my therapist had an office because he was between me and the door. I had nightmares where he would block me from leaving. I was so grateful that during covid he moved his practice outdoors onto the trails and parks.

----

We're all here with you forming a protective bubble for you to move through this week and the next.

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Christmas Eve, December 24, 2022
        Posted later because for some reason I lost access to the forum and couldn't access it on Christmas Eve

TRIGGER WARNING: I'm in a traumatic stupor so I'm pulling no punches. There's some anger in today's post.

Friday night, December 23, 2022,  at a little before 7 PM, Coco's phone started ringing off the hook. Her shift had been changed that day, so she'd worked an 8-hour morning shift rather than her usual evening shift. Her peers, who she was supposed to be working with, were in panic. They were all standing out in the snow with police and firefighters, because at 6 PM, which is Coco's normal lunch break, a car slammed into the grocery entrance of her store. Coco works in the service deli, just a few meters from that door. The employees were in confusion, fear, chaos. They all said they'd heard 3 explosions, but still didn't know what was going on. She stayed up most of the night, on the phone with various peers, giving them the chance to calm down. News medias weren't picking up the story, so all we knew was that a car was exploding inside the store and chaos was everywhere.

By morning, the news was giving very small, very short, very sterile reports about it as a non-event. A car bumped into the largest grocery store in the city. The driver doused himself in gasoline. Police and firefighters got him out of the car as it was exploding. He is in jail. The car caught fire after he was out. End of story. Happy Ending. No one was hurt. The driver was cited for reckless endangerment and attempted arson. He'll probably be in jail for a couple of days for it.

What I've noticed is that the story is very different for those who were there.

For people reading it on the internet, it sounds like a funny little story that makes you go 'Huh" and then move on to the next story. But for those who were there, they remember a night of holy terror. He'd slammed into the glass doorway in a small sedan. Didn't break through the steel frames of the door, so he backed up and made another run at it. He rammed the door two or three times, but his small, rubber bodied Saturn Sedan didn't have the weight or power to push all the way into the building. His car had religious propaganda painted all over it. The  media didn't mention the words. And the carefully selected public photos made sure rescuers were blocking the word SATAN in huge white paint on his black car.

What the media glosses over is that the employees were traumatized. They ignored two full hours of crowd mayhem and panic.  What was going on? They heard explosions. HUNDREDS of customers and employees were in chaos trying to get out of a store that now had a blocked entrance. In their panic, they had NO IDEA what was going on. How many attackers were there? Was the store going to blow up before they could all go single file out the tiny little employee exit on the other side of the store? Were there going to be more cars on fire out that door too? 

You know how long it takes to get 150 calm people out of a single airplane door at the airport, imagine how long it takes to get hundreds and hundreds of panicked shoppers and employees out a door the same size.

When I tell my non-C-PTSD friends of the harrowing night we had, while Coco calmed her friends on the phone, and the even more harrowing night her friends had while they were actually there, they treat me, AGAIN, like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm "too emotional for my own good."

I am aware that trauma only happens to the victims who are there when it happens. To the onlookers and everyone else, it's just a stupid little car bomb by a funny little christian with a temper. "No one got hurt, so what the heck are you making such a big deal about it for?" "Just get over it." "We weren't there, but we read a 20-word blurb on the internet about it, and we all got over it in just a few seconds. Why can't you?"

Our assumption is that this religious zealot wanted to show the great sociopath in the sky how obedient he can be by killing off as many non-believers as he can on his way to a martyr's death. How dare we heathen not accept God's unconditional Love by shopping for food on the night before his church's made up, fake holiday called Christmas? If he kills as many of us as he can, his sociopathic leader will surely give him some heavenly candy as a reward. Right?

Mom used to tell me to just ignore the bullies and the sexual abuse and don't bother her with it. I'm not being bruised or cut open, so stop whining.

The world we live in is such that those who weren't there to experience the trauma, have the power to belittle and shame those who were.

I stopped laughing at comedian and political satirist Bill Maher's jokes the day he said, on TV, in front of MILLIONS of people, that we need to stop coddling boys who are molested by teachers, because "boys like sex." He called being a 12-year-old boy who is being molested by his teacher a fringe benefit.

That's the world we live in folks. Only trauma survivors can be trusted to help us through traumas. The rest of the world tells us to "just get over it." Just get over a car bomb on Christmas eve. Just get over a dog attack in your own yard. Just get over being raped. Just get over being abused by your own family for a lifetime.

Those of us on this forum do respect the traumatic aspects of being attacked and being humiliated and being afraid for our lives. So I assume most of you get what I'm saying.

When I examine situations like this, I guess I can see why I isolate. I choose to deal with my problems alone where others can't laugh at me for shaking and going into sleeplessness. I feel safer alone. Same trauma. Same response, but at least alone, no one is adding shame by criticizing me for being affected by it.

For now, I'm just tired of being treated like I'm making this stuff up. The christmas season is always a huge emotional flashback for myself and many of you, and this year, I'm now, after the dog attacks and the car bomb, and being told by my neighbors and non-C-PTSD friends that I need to just not be upset, I'm...just...sick of it.

I was in a bit of a panic last night when I couldn't access this site. I actually felt more alone than I can even describe. You folks are often my only respite from the world's calloused judgements. I THANK MY LUCKY STARS That I was able to gain access again this morning.

Even Coco tells me to stop worrying about her at that store. There are routine gunfights in her parking lot. She's told me about drug-crazed homeless coming in through that same door waving machetes. A few weeks ago, I asked where that nice 70-year-old greeter lady went who used to welcome me in and say "Have a nice night" as I left that same entrance. Coco's answer was, she was murdered on her way home a few months ago. THEN she tells me that because I worry too much, she doesn't tell me about the "serious stuff" that the news doesn't cover. MORE serious than gunfights, machetes, murdered greeters and exploding cars? Holy CRAP! I Watched her go into a mini panic for a whole night when a car exploded in that same entrance, and even SHE tells me I worry about her too much.

So, I'm done. If this was a non-event, then I'm not capable of controlling my emotions. I'm crazy for making an intentionally executed car explosion blocking the exit into a big deal and I need to extract myself from the situation. Same with the barking dog. The neighbor won't talk to me, and the dog won't stop escaping and barking, and apparently, I'm the only one who can't sleep. So, I'm done trying. Apparently, I'm the problem.

I'm sticking with my plan. I'm moving tomorrow to the beach. If I can't stop "overreacting" to religious nut jobs who tried to kill her and as many of her peers and shoppers as he could last night, then I obviously don't know when a problem is a real problem or when it's just another Friday night in the city. Everyone will be better off if I stop trying to help them through their traumas. My desire to help is just making me look like an idiot. So I'm done.

At this moment I can't imagine ever coming back to the city. But I honestly can't always tell the difference between a normal crisis and my own trauma, so I don't know if I'll suddenly feel better in January with Christmas behind me or not. If I suddenly feel better, then this was trauma. If I continue to be unwilling to return to the city, then this was real. At least real for me anyway.  For me, during this season, the lines between fact and fiction, or reality and trauma, are indistinguishable. All I can be sure of is that, right now, on Christmas day, I'm feeling tired of dealing with it alone.

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I'm sorry that sounds really upsetting. I watched Season 2 of the Q Anon documentary on Vice about everything that's been going on post 2020 and it's alarming to me to say the least. They are actually firing people up to go and commit acts like your explosion, like the shootings in the Colorado gay clubs. I know it doesn't help those with trauma. I could see it in some colleagues reaction to the government's handling of covid, it was like not being taken care of again by the people who mattered most.

I'm borrowing this from Bob Falconer who said that we're in an open air lunatic asylum and the craziest people are running things. All he (we) can really do is see the people directly in front of us who need help.

I hope you're able to enjoy the rest of your day and find some peace at the beach.

dolly

[milkandhoney11]

Oh, PC, that sounds like a terrible, terrible event. I hope Coco is okay. This must have been a great shock to everyone present. I guess that in these crazy times a lot of people have become really desensitised to things like that because they happen so shockingly often, but to me it still sounds like a terrorist attack and I completely understand that this has left you feeling very upset and concerned. I would most definitely feel the same thing.
I often wonder how it is possible that other people move on so quickly after things like that but I guess it's only natural that people who have already suffered a lot of trauma in their lives find it more challenging to bounce back after this because there is too much pain being triggered. I've seen quite a lot of studies recently that tried to predict whether someone would develop PTSD after witnessing a terrible event like this and it seems to me that some people have the most astounding resilience that allows them to move on with remarkable speed, whereas people with adverse childhood experiences are much more vulnerable.
So, I think that your reaction is not only understandable but also quite natural for someone who has already suffered so much in their life. People like us are more sensitive to events like this - which, of course, can be very hurtful to us, but at the same time can also be very valuable because we truly care about others and will go out of our way to support them even in the most difficult situations.
From my perspective, this only shows how much of a wonderful warm, soft, caring heart you have. Unfortunately, this world doesn't always appreciate people with such caring hearts but it would be a very sad, barren place if we didn't have people like you.
Of course, it takes a lot of strength to keep your heart soft and open like this and to not shut down all your feelings, so I understand that you might need some time by the beach to recover and fill up your batteries. I hope you can find some peace after this terrible shock.
Have a nice Christmas

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Dolly and MilkandHoney,

Coco and I just returned from our son's house for christmas lunch. He still works in grocery, and she used to. They tell me that what happened in Coco's store Friday is pretty much how it is in all the grocery stores in the city now.  Dolly, you mentioned the weaponizing of people of faith. I am beginning to see that this is true. It IS happening everywhere.

I, oddly, feel a bit better now, knowing that others really are seeing it, but that people are turning on their resilience to avoid becoming afraid. It's up to me to try to do the same. I'm personalizing the attacks on good citizens because I'm in my annual Holiday emotional tornado. It will soon end. And when it does, maybe I WILL calm down and stop taking people's calloused reactions to violence personally.

The truth is that the news media is respecting the financial wellbeing of retailers. If they told the truth about the murders and attacks that seem to be happening everywhere (mostly in the name of god), that people would stop shopping. Everyone would go to Amazon Prime and home delivery.

It's the way of the world. The US is built on money. It runs on money. It values money. Only.  Nothing else.  It's the way of the world.

I'll move to the beach but, now, mostly to escape the constant barking under my bedroom window.

Thanks for chiming in and validating my fears. And for reminding me that we are in dangerous times, and it's not just my wife's store.
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MilkandHoney, to your comment that you struggle with how some people are so resiliant, I have a personal belief that we are who we are because of how we are wired from birth, plus how we are raised, plus the circumstances of our lives. Nature + Nurture + Environment = Me.   That being said, I believe those of us who are prone to trauma, are wired for it. We're more nurturing, caring, peace-loving, kind-hearted souls. Our Hippocampus glands are noticeably smaller on PET scans than the hard-core resilient bullies of the world. The hippocampus gland does play a key role in trauma response, and it's been proven many times that the HGland in us is smaller than normal. So...we are wired to be good, but easily bruised people. Add to that, we were raised by narcissists who used our kindness against us, and Ta-DA! You have us. The C=PTSD community.

On a positive note, my therapist has always told me that it's much easier for him to help a sheepish person gain some self-confidence than it is for him to help an overconfident person become nicer. If I had to choose, I'd become who I am, rather than the opposite.  Kindness may be hard on me, but I'm proud of the people I've helped, and I'm ashamed of any time I failed to help. I struggle with my moods and self-esteem, but I like being a good person. I like being a member of a social group with you and most others on this forum. To me, a little squeamishness about life is worth the kindness that it creates in us. 

[Armee]

 

You're not overreacting. Take care of yourself and what you need right now.
If you move and then decide to move back in a month that's OK too!