Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Dolly and Armee,

Thanks for "talking me off the ledge" as my wife often calls it. And Dolly, thanks for letting me know you're going offline for a few days.

Normally, my posts that don't get responded to don't bother me. This one had some specific stressors in it for me. I was exposing my own belief that I can feel energy in people. That's a dangerous exposure in some circles. If I ever said anything like that back in my church / religious days, I would have been quickly punished for it.  I remember one time when Coco went to bed early because she didn't feel well. I came to bed an hour later, spooned up behind her, laid my left hand over her side and onto her tummy. Immediately, my stomach got sick and my head started to pound, and I fell fast asleep. The next morning, she said, "When you put your hand on me last night, my stomach stopped feeling sick and my pounding headache went away and I fell right to sleep."  I was shocked. NO one had ever said anything like that to me. I got excited and told my Baptist pastor about it, and his reaction was of panic. He said, and I quote perfectly. "DON'T WORRY!  THAT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!"  Then he coached me on how just because his bible says we can do miracles for each other, he needed me to know that miracles don't happen, no matter what the bible says. (HA HA! Talk about openly exposing his own hypocrisy).  Because of that and several other coincidental revelations, I left Christianity shortly after that. BUT to my point, I'm used to being scolded, punished, laughed at, or left for dead whenever I talk about any part of my robust spiritual life. So, because of my experiences, I panicked when I'd realized how vulnerable I'd made myself by talking about being able to feel other people's energy.

My Trauma EF was turned on by my exposing something about my spiritual beliefs. So I was a thousand times more worried that I'd gone too far.

Armee, your story of your mother really touches me. Thank you for sharing the story with me.  I know that narcissism isn't really one of the reasons why some people are quiet or find it difficult to let others in. Narcissism is boisterous and self-aggrandizing. They like to be the center. The leader. Their trick is to pretend they're someone else while they're pretending to care about us.

Truth be told, I tend to make friends quickly with people who don't easily let others in. Somehow that reminds me of how closed off and secretive I had to be when I was a sad little boy. I tend to actually gravitate toward people like you more than I do the boisterous, open people. Being quiet and reserved is very different from a narcissist, who lets people into their fake identity of being a good person. Narcissists are seldom quiet and reserved. Like clowns, they like to perform. But. like clowns, they hide behind a fake identity. They're the people I am afraid of. I can FEEL the absence of their souls.

Chances are good that if I met you face to face I'd be comfortable with you right off the bat. My wife and son are Autistic, and not good conversationalists. I'm used to people not being as open as I am about my inner workings.  I have specific reasons why I can't keep my emotions hidden. But I know most people are better at it than I am. I can NOT play poker. My poker face just simply doesn't exist.

So, again. sorry I let my fears win and delete my post. I'm glad I was able to recover it and put it back up. When I read it now, I can see that it wasn't anywhere near as crazy as I'd imagined it was when I deleted it.

The people on this forum are so NOT like my FOO and my former teachers and leaders. But, that's trauma. Some days reality is so hard to discern that fear takes over and forces some wrong behaviors.

[Armee]

 

[milkandhoney11]

Dear Papa Coco,
I would love to give you a longer reply but I am afraid I am currently experiencing a really stressful period (family issues, legal issues, and starting my new job), so I am only able to write a few lines but I wanted to respond to you nevertheless.
I understand how hard it is to talk to other people about intuitions and feelings like this because most of them won't understand and a lot of people will start fighting so aggressively against your beliefs/ assertions that it can most definitely cause a lot of trauma. People who speak about these intuitions and gut feelings have been called crazy, lunatics, schizophrenics, and all kinds of terrible things and a lot of them have been subjected to the most cruel and harmful treatment so I just wanted to applaud you for being so brave when deciding to talk about this with us.
The truth is that I have often experienced the same thing and I believe you are absolutely right: we are all connected in some way. Not everyone is equally tuned into this invisible network we are all sharing and some might never get to experience this whereas others receive these feelings and intuitions all the time.
I think a lot of people are afraid of it as they can't understand how this is possible, but to me this is not something to hide but a wonderful gift to share.
I myself don't experience these kinds of things to often but there is one very special person that I care deeply about and when we were still in contact I had those kinds of feelings all the time. I could always feel their presence from many, many meters away and knew they were approaching far before I could actually see them. I used to be able to spot them within seconds when being in a crowd of a thousand people or more. And I could literally sense whenever they sent me an email to the exact same minute. I would be out and about or doing something completely different when I would catch a sense of their smell and hear their voice, so I would look at my watch and remind myself to check my mailbox later and I was always right.
If things like that had happened once or twice one might have thought this was simply a co-incidence but like you I believe that there is a lot more to it.
To me, it makes only sense that I should be able to feel how this person is doing because I love them and feel that we are very much on the same wave length, sharing very similar attitudes and vibrations.

I am still working on being able to sense people (Narcissists) negatively as well and be more cautious when I meet them, but I just wanted to say that I believe you 1000% and hope that this might possibly reduce some of the shame you have been feeling when writing your post.
Your ideas, thoughts, beliefs etc are always welcome here and I always appreciate them a lot.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Papa Coco!

When I had originally read your post on being able to feel others I was reminded of part of the Healing Developmental Trauma book I had read which explains the concept of a 'energetic boundary' that all humans have, and how that boundary can be violated.  The TLDR:

- Everyone has an energetic boundary.  It's the feeling you get when someone's standing too close to you
- Intact energetic boundaries give a feeling of safety and the ability to set limits, and often aren't consciously noticed
- Chronic early threat can impede the formation of these boundaries
- Those with ruptured boundaries can be symptomatic and extremely sensitive to environmental triggers, hypervigilant/hypersensitive
- Because of the feeling of constant threat, those with ruptured boundaries use self-isolation and interpersonal distance to compensate
- Because most people don't register that they have an energetic boundary, when more sensitive people complain about a rupture they're often dismissed or written off

Those with healthy energetic boundaries
- feel comfortable in their own body
- feel an implicit sense of safety
- feel a clear sense of self and other
- can say no and set limits

Those with compromised energetic boundaries have
- extreme sensitivity to others' emotions
- energetic merging with other people, animals, and the environment
- hypervigilance
- environmental sensitivities
- feel uncomfortable in large crowds
- agoraphobia

Sorry for the large wall of text, but just wanted to reflect on how the text reminded me of your comments on being able to sense and detect others.  I often feel the same way, although not to the same degree - I can often tell other's emotional states before they even register them themselves, but I always chalked that up to the hypervigilance I developed out of necessity as a child, making sure to avoid potentially harmful situations caused by others' stress.

Hope you have a good week!

[Armee]

Wow, thank you Cracked Ice. That feels spot on

[Papa Coco]

MilkandHoney, I'm sorry to hear about your complicated place in life right now. I appreciate you checking in on the forum and responding to myself, and I assume to other members as well, even though you've got a lot on your plate.  I like your story of that friend you have/had who you can sense and feel. That does happen to me a lot, and also to my wife. Our sons and one of our grandsons seem to also be tuned into the people we are connected to. I believe that the more we accept that to be true, the more skillful we become at sensing the energy/presence of others. Any time anything strange happens around this, you are free to talk about it with me. Intuitions and inexplicable human connection are of my favorite topics to talk about anytime anywhere. In fact, I think the reason I get so chilled around people who hide their identities is because connection with other humans and pets is the only thing I truly value in life. Anyone who blocks that connection with clown makeup or evil intention feels cold and inhuman to me. Growing up feeling like a freak of nature, has left me feeling warm and welcome ONLY when I can feel the presence of and connection with other people or animals. When I can't feel a connection, the world is cold and dark.

Armee, Thanks for the hug. I can really feel these connections. I learned to appreciate hugs and smiles when I was very young. I discovered the musical/comedic antics of Victor Borga when I was only about 5 or 6 years old. I became a fan and wanted so badly to be like him. I was forbidden from learning any musical instrument, but at one point in my thirties I did become a comedian for a few years. I fulfilled half of the dream. Borga was a musically talented, hysterical comedian, and I believed that he truly loved his audiences. So, I really wanted to be like him. Whenever anyone asks who I'd want to have lunch with, alive or dead, his is the first name I blurt out. He used to say, "The shortest distance between two people is a smile." I've lived my life by that mantra, and when I get these little hugs from yourself and others on the forum, I can feel the kindness that drove them. These little hug emojis feel like a real-life smile and I LOVE em.  So, here's another one back: 

CrackedIce, thank you for sharing these bullets. This is very good information, and I realize now that I bought the book a few months ago but buried it into my future-read pile. Your post is reminding me to find the book and start reading it now. Those bullets are spot on with my experience of this world. Also, no one on this forum ever has to apologize to me for posting a "long wall of text." I think I could go head-to-head with anyone as the member who provides the longest walls of text almost every day. LOL. I like to write. Another favorite quote I live by is from Mark Twain: "I didn't have time to write you a short letter so I'm writing you a long one."  HA HA! It's so true.

Hypnotherapy Update:
Yesterday I had my Hypnotherapy appointment #2 of 4. The hypnotherapist is a former trauma counselor, and a very spiritual person. So, this therapy is a combination of talking, sensing each other's energy in the room, and hypnosis. My sessions have been going on for about 3 hours each. She spends more time talking with me about connections and gives me a few tools designed specifically to help me focus more intently on the future than I do on the past. Then she gives me a good 45 minutes of hypnotherapy where she helps me target the pains in my body and to relate them to my trauma, and helps me start to release the trauma, which in turn can heal the pain. As most of us know, we have bodies that respond to our traumas, and under the umbrella of "mind over matter" we armor or bring about pains that are directly related to our traumatic experiences.

It's too early to tell how long her help is going to stick with me. Some people say hypnosis changed them permanently, but I'm learning to cool my jets whenever I try something new. All too often I set my expectations too high and end up defeated when the "silver bullet" didn't permanently and profoundly change me.  So, I'm not being skeptical, but I'm being cautious to not put too much blind faith in this. Time will tell.

She's mentioned that in April, she's going to host a 3 Sunday series of group sessions. MY experience over many years of experimentation with human connection, is that when I'm in group meditations, or group prayers or group energy work, that the power of the connection is exponentially increased. That doesn't sound as crazy when I compare it to attending a live concert, a play, or a sporting event, rather than just watching it on TV for free. Being in the crowd raises the experience because the fans can all feel the energy of the crowd. At home it's just you and the TV. People prefer being in the crowd more for the energy they feel than the need to see the event. The TV usually gives a better view than sitting a thousand yards away watching it on the Jumbotron. It's the group energy that greatly increases the experience. I've found that to be true in mediations and hypnosis also.

I can be hypnotized easier in a crowd than I can in a one-on-one session. Somehow, I can feel more energy when there's more energy to be felt. A dozen people focused on the same thoughts really powers me up. When my hypnotherapist sets the dates for her group sessions and opens it up for registration, I hope to sign up to see if the group sessions bring more connection, like being in the stadium rather than sitting alone on the sofa watching it on TV.

I hope everyone has a good day today. Coco is off work today and we're going to go out and goof off a bit. The weather's nice in Seattle this week. It should be fun. And it will get me OUT of the house and NOT isolating.  That's always good. Here's a hug for everyone! 

[dollyvee]

Truth be told, I tend to make friends quickly with people who don't easily let others in. Somehow that reminds me of how closed off and secretive I had to be when I was a sad little boy. I tend to actually gravitate toward people like you more than I do the boisterous, open people. Being quiet and reserved is very different from a narcissist, who lets people into their fake identity of being a good person. Narcissists are seldom quiet and reserved. Like clowns, they like to perform. But. like clowns, they hide behind a fake identity. They're the people I am afraid of. I can FEEL the absence of their souls.

Chances are good that if I met you face to face I'd be comfortable with you right off the bat. My wife and son are Autistic, and not good conversationalists. I'm used to people not being as open as I am about my inner workings.  I have specific reasons why I can't keep my emotions hidden. But I know most people are better at it than I am. I can NOT play poker. My poker face just simply doesn't exist.

Hi PC,

I don't think you have to be sorry for deleting it, really. All your feelings were valid for why you wrote it and why you wanted to delete it.

I don't talk about a lot of that stuff generally with people because, like you, I learned that people will think I'm crazy, but it really matters and is very important to me. So, in the spirit of full disclosure sometimes I dream about things and then they happen. For example, I had been involved with this guy and had a dream one night that I was in this big house and saw him in a mirror with this other woman. I woke up wrote the dream down and then saw on facebook that he had posted a photo on facebook during the night of his reflection in a mirror with another woman in front of him. I don't like talking about this stuff a lot because I don't like being othered. I don't think I'm special, I think anyone  can do it. No one can fully "know" because that is being a god and I'm not a god or bodhisattva, but it is your connection to "god" whatever that is for people. I've opened up with a collegue recently about it but we have been talking about other things as well. He wants to doubt but we have good exchanges about things so I'm up for the debate about what it means. I've told people in the past that I dreamed about someone before I met him on a dating app and they stopped talking to me.

I also agree that having to be really fined tuned to peoples' reactions from a young age probably helped us tap into the finer nuances of what is going on than most people.

I do feel that seeing people as "good or evil" is to judge them in the way that god would judge them and only god can know those things. What I responded to in your post was that boy who probably needed to believe those things as a form of protection. That growing up there was no appropriate filter in your life for who, or what was acceptable, to be around you which is what functional parents should provide. I'm working on my need to feel "power over" right now because I felt powerless most of the time growing up. So, it was my way to survive and protect myself. A lot of times I feel what CrackedIce wrote, that there is no energetic filter between me and other people and it was like it's like being invaded. I think it's getting better recently though. Maybe it's do with more self knowledge and what/when/where I am giving things up so I can start saying no. Maybe it's having a more stable sense of self where (at times haha - still healing) I realize that I'm not a terrible person and that yes, these people are in the wrong and I'm being reasonable saying something to them about it and I can do that, I have a duty to myself to do that. Then it becomes a struggle to have empathy for them and what they have been through because, when I step back, I don't think they are all bad like in my mind at that time, or they have their issues too. Though it is really hard to see that, I mean really hard haha. I think that is the black and white thinking of my fearful avoidant attachment style coming up, trying to protect me. Of course, this is me and my experience and it's through this lens that I saw your post and how I relate to needing to feel a sense of power/control over the things that come into our lives.

I also wanted to respond to what you wrote above about being drawn to unavailable people because I think it's a way to now show our authentic selves and to play out our own attachment issues with our caregivers since they were unavailable. I do this in relationships a lot and feel a "spark" with people who are unavailable in some way. I guess in a way it's familiar and what I always got from my m and family. When I had a situation recently where I felt it might be more open and I have to show some of my authentic self (that shame self), I shut down in panic. I also like being around unavailable people because I do lack those energetic boundaries and it means that I don't become enmeshed, but is it getting to show my authentic self? Definitely not.

Dan Brown is probably the bridge between the old and the new thinking about developmental issues. I find it hard to believe that every trauma survivor with insecure/disorganized attachment is a collection of personality disorders and not something else. There's also a lot of information out there on attachment styles without buying his book but that being said I think it's probably more expensive because it isn't mass produced? I wanted to buy the Attachment Focused EMDR book and it was around $50 but i don't know. The Therapist Uncensored podcasts are really good and look at issues through an attachment lens. Those Heidi Priebe videos also do a good job of breaking them down.

I'm glad your hypnotherapy sessions are going well and I hope you have a great time with Coco.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Snowdrop]

Just a quick note on the energetic boundaries CrackedIce mentioned. It's worth looking for videos and courses by Wendy De Rosa. She does a lot of guided meditations related to healing and clearing energetic boundaries, particularly where they've been compromised due to early trauma. I find them very effective.

[sanmagic7]

hey, PC, sounds like the hypnotherapy is interesting work.  i totally relate to the energy thing, can often sense bad energy coming off someone, and you're absolutely correct - there's nothing like enjoying a positive shared experience.  the energy can lift us above what we thought we could feel.

keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Dolly, Snowdrop and San,

Sorry for my slow responses. My wife has COVID and I am having a hard time leaving her side. So I'm kind of distracted right now.

Thank you for being open about your spiritual experiences. They are right there in line with mine. It's a huge relief to feel like I'm okay to talk about these energy experiences. And I'll definitely look into Wendy De Rosa, thank you for the referral Snowdrop.

The first metaphysical message I ever got was when I was about 12 or so. Pets were not allowed in our home. One day I was finally allowed to buy ONE fish and a fish tank. The tank had to be in the family room, which was as far away from my bedroom as it could be. This fish/pet was a huge deal for me. That red fish was the only pet I was ever allowed to have during my entire childhood. One Sunday morning I had a dream that he/she had jumped out of the fish tank and was dead. Sundays were church day for my catholic family, so Mom woke me up for church and said, "Your fish died last night." Without even thinking, I just said "Yeah, I know."

Since then, the stories of knowing things just before they happened, dreaming about old friends the night before bumping into them in public, and feeling danger before it happens have been just "another day in the life" for me. I also discovered that the more I allow it to happen, and the more I talk about it, and the more I connect with others who have the same experiences, the more powerful the experiences become.

(Trigger Warning: A quick story of how my last suicide attempt was stopped via unseen connection)

My life was saved in 2010 on the 2nd anniversary of my little sister's suicide. I was fetching my car keys so I could drive to a bridge 5 miles from my house to jump off it. I was NOT in my right mind. I had been hallucinating the Grim Reaper all day, He'd been standing right behind me, getting stronger and bigger as the day progressed. He was forcing me to do it. Death was a dark ocean that was getting so close to me that I could just about step into it. But as I was getting up to walk to the car, my phone rang. I said, "Hello". But the person on the other end, who was 2,200 miles away, and hadn't spoken to me in months, yelled "JIMMY! WHAT'S WRONG?" As I fell apart on the phone, she reported that she'd been sick to her stomach all day and couldn't get me off her mind. A friend of hers called her a few minutes ago (From over 1,000 miles away from her) and said "You have to call Seattle NOW! Something terrible is about to happen!" The minute this person got me to tell her that I was on my way to the bridge, the Reaper vanished. POOF! Just...gone. The spell was broken. She made me put the suicide hotline phone number in my contacts in position #1. My life was saved, and I am the proof that the phone call was not even remotely a coincidence. It saved my life only minutes before it would be too late.

No one can ever convince me that we humans (and often our pets) aren't positively connected in ways we can't understand.

So, as a positive message for today, I'm going to allow myself to dive headlong into practicing unseen connections again. Maybe I can find the joy that's been eluding me these past few years.

THANK YOU all for commenting and validating that I'm not the only person who believes in this.

[dollyvee]

Hey PC,

I'm sorry you had to go through that on the bridge. I don't always understand my experiences and am trying to learn more about the world in that way. So, thank you for being open about it as well. It's also weird that I really don't like to talk about it and should explore that a bit. Sometimes I think it scares the bejesus out of me so I shut it out. On the topic of good bad energy (vs. people) you might want to look into Robert Falconer's work around unattached burdens in IFS. I came across them when I had some stuff come up in IFS that I couldn't explain and did one of his courses. There's not a lot of info out there on unattached burdens as IFS wants to be accepted as "legitimate," but to me, IFS crosses the line between psychotherapy and the energy work you mention. I think the grim reaper image is interesting and the fact that it was on the anniversary of your sister's death.

I also read Ann M. Drake's book, The Energetic Dimension, as well as her previous one. She goes into detail about energy transference between people during abuse and how she assists in recovering parts. During abuse sometimes the perpetrator "takes" a part of you, and "leaves" a part in return which she cleans up on an energetic level.

Thank you Snowdrop too, for the recommendation.

Sending you support and I hope Coco gets better 
dolly

[sanmagic7]

hope your wife is well soonest, PC.

i've noticed when my stress level is very high, my energy connection w/ others is lower.  i think my system is using all the energy it can spare to get me back to basics.  i've even been called a 'witch' (white/good) before which has never bothered me.  i've often been able to put my energy flow into others for healing purposes.  and my magnetic energy field is so strong, i stop watches.  so, no, you don't have to back away from this, PC.  i think it's a gift.

keep taking care of you, too, ok?  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

It's safe here and that is a very very powerful example. I believe you and think it is special, not weird.

I hope Mama Coco feels better soon. 

[Not Alone]

I hope your wife feels better soon.

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
So sorry to hear that your wife is ill at the moment with Covid, and hope that she feels better very soon.  All the best to you as well.
Hope