Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Armee]

 

Your words to me from maybe a week ago touched deep into my soul. Now that the site is back I'll be going back and responding. Sometimes the words hit me just in the most reassuring way where I feel completely seen and understood that I am almost stunned silent. That was what your words did for me.

It's also OK to get things wrong sometimes because it gives us a chance to clarify ourselves and through that to understand and be understood more deeply.

Sometimes when I develop a new interest I let all my old ones slide until they seem like they never were a part of me, or a part of me so distant it feels like lifetimes past. I think this may somehow be related to the way our brain has been set up to keep all these parts separate from ourselves. I wonder what happens if we try to merge an old interest with a current one? Like if you meditated while biking or listened to meditations while cleaning your garage? If that would form stronger neural connections between both parts and lead to more unity between spiritual and physical?

I'm so glad your T is seeing you again soon. Sending hugs to hold you upright during this bout of physical depression.

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

As usual, you speak directly to my soul. I'm so grateful for your report that some of my words reached you in a heartfelt way. Thank you so much for the kindness you gave me today. It really helps.

That is a brilliant idea you have to try and blend my physical actions with my spiritual actions. I can put earbuds in, and listen to Tibetan singing bowls, or some other meditation music, or even the band Enigma while I ride my bike along the beach feeling the wind in what's left of my hair. LOL. It has reached 50 degrees Fahrenheit today. Just now. That's just warm enough to take a bike out for a short ride.

I usually know when I've reached my happy place when my whole body, especially my hands, begin to tingle as if they've got electric currents running through them. So...maybe I can get my hands to tingling while gripping my handlebars as I merge these two worlds back together out on the beach.

Again. Thanks for responding so kindly and so quickly. Your response has lit a small fire in my boiler and is making me want to drag a dusty bike out of the garage and go live my life for a few minutes on this cold--but sunny--day.

I'm so glad Kizzie was able to get the forum back up and running again. She's awesome. I get so much benefit from the good souls on this forum.

[Armee]

 

Me too. Sometimes I'm so lost I can't put my own words down but responding to yours and others words help.

[dollyvee]

 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Friday, March 17, 2023

Yesterday it hit me. I was trying to do a little yard work. I was only able to work for about an hour, maybe a bit less. My chest was so  hollow, and my eyes so unfocused that I just gave up. It was then that I recognized the feeling in my chest. It was loneliness.

For years now, I've been blaming clinical depression for my lack of interest. But yesterday, for some reason, I was able to identify the feeling of hollow emptiness as the exact same feeling I always feel when I'm lonely.  I think it's important that I make this distinction. Just being depressed gives me little hope of finding a cure. But knowing that loneliness is driving the depression, now I can see that if I can fix the loneliness problem, the depression will likely go away on its own.

I found this on the web:  https://www.countryliving.com/uk/wellbeing/a34295947/physical-symptoms-loneliness/#:~:text=Insomnia%2C%20disrupted%20sleep%20or%20other,block%20out%20how%20they%20feel.

I have all seven of the seven signs of chronic loneliness: 1) Social Anxiety 2) Higher than average blood pressure, 3) Difficulty sleeping, 4) Loss of confidence, 5) Loss of appetite (Or stress eating, never in between) and zero interest in exercise, 6) Feeling a constant "unpleasant" state of mind and 7) Increased desire to binge-watch TV so as to take my mind off of my loneliness.

I see my shrink on Monday. I'm going to focus the whole 50 minutes on this if I can.

I've been lonely my whole life, but never so much as I have been since my sister's death, then my parents' deaths, my lay-off/retirement from my job of 42 years, and my estrangement from the nasties from my FOO that may or may not be still alive...if any.

I'd say too, that this year, the loneliness has taken its greatest toll on me. Since I was raised to never give myself anything good, but instead to give all my hard work and energy to others, now that I don't really have anyone in my life telling me what to do (I'm retired: no boss), I'm lost.

I can't find it in my soul to do anything for myself and I think I really miss all the people for whom I was a servant for 50 years. Sure, I hate them...but I think I miss them also.

I feel like I'm lost at sea in a raft with no motor or sails. I'm just...alone. 

I expect that attachment disorders, C-PTSD, and clinical depression are all bedfellows with chronic loneliness. Attachment disorders cause the loneliness which then causes the depression, which is all a part of C-PTSD.

[Armee]

 

I'm here. 

I've had that lost at sea feeling, except floating away in the sky. It's awful.

[Papa Coco]

Thanks for the hugs Armee. I honestly do feel and cherish my connections with you and others on this forum. Thank god for this forum. Being able to write my journal here and interact with others who also struggle with what I struggle with could be what keeps me afloat. Loneliness is a lifetime problem for children of attachment disorders, but if it weren't for this forum, I don't know how I would deal with it at all. This is the only true outlet I have for reaching out to others who know what it feels like to live with what I live with. You, as well as a few others on this forum, are keeping me from total, total isolation.  THANK YOU FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!




Journal Update for Saturday, March 18, 2023

Trigger Warning: I'm depressed and I describe my depression and my loneliness and my negative view of this world we're living in.

I believe loneliness is a common thread with people of CPTSD. I've always felt alone, even when I'm with people, but it's never been so in-my-face as it is now that I don't have a job or any reason to get out of bed most mornings.

I just feel like I am really struggling with it more than I should be. I'm going to work this angle, that the loneliness, caused by early life attachment disorder, is the root cause of my daily depression. Thankfully I now have meditation to fill some of the day's hours, and thankfully I'm not feeling EFs anymore. But EFs were my escape from reality, and by no longer having EF's I am now forced to face the sick reality that is our world. I can't hide from it anymore. By no longer being able to dissociate and hide from the real world, I guess I'm just forced to deal with a very deep disappointment in the reality that I can't escape, except through meditation. It's the only way I can find to escape the ugliness of the real world now. Even binge-watching TV is starting to get old. It was a great escape, but even TV is annoying me now.

No pain, no gain, right?  I suppose it's possible that I'm healing, but healing makes me face things I've put off facing for 60+ years. So it's very uncomfortable to keep my eyes open all day and not rely on medication or booze or dissociation to help me hide from what I should have been facing all along. It'll get better. Rewiring old neural pathways means disconnecting them from what we know and letting them reconnect in better directions. It's good that I'm facing my loneliness. I hate it. It feels awful. But as far as I know, it means I'm healing. Neurons that fire together wire together. Right?

I sometimes tell my T that I think I'm getting worse, but he corrects me over and over. He reminds me of the anxiety and insanity that I used to live in and reminds me that I'm getting better. I just don't feel happy about getting better. I don't dissociate anymore. I no longer believe that everyone on earth hates me, or that some are just being nice by pretending to like me, or that they're being nice to me so I'll reach into my pocket and give them money, or help them move, or paint their house for them. 

I guess I finally popped the bubble I used to live in, but I landed in a really ugly world, and now my bubble is gone. Escape didn't work, so I have to accept the world for what it is. That's a challenge I'm not sure I'm up to. I have a more "sober" look at the real world and it's ugly. I guess I'm doing all the right things, and they're working for me, but there's actual social pain that I'm no longer able to hide from. I'm evolving past all my escapes. The triggers are still there, but I don't fall into EFs, so they pass quickly. I just have to face the triggers. I'll get good at it one day. I'm just not there yet. I am being forced to face the dragon, and the dragon is terrifying. (Trigger Alert: The rest of this paragraph is in white because it describes why my depression is soaring and how ugly the world is to me). Crime is soaring. People are becoming meaner. Teachers are quitting their jobs in droves because students are so mean to them now. Banks are failing. Wars are brewing. Here in Seattle Road Rage is killing people every week, cars are stolen at a rate of thousands per year in just one city. Criminals are boldly walking up to us to take our cars so they can smash them through windows. Criminals are boldly breaking into our homes and police are not allowed to arrest or even pursue them. The planet is warming and nobody does anything about it. Politicians have learned that hate sells, so they're pedaling it on TV and social media, and millions of people are falling for it.




So, I'm not getting worse, but I feel like I just woke up into an ugly world and I'm no longer able to drink or hide or dissociate from it. So, my T shows me that I'm getting better, but I'm feeling the pain more because I'm not hiding from it anymore with fantasies or booze.

Even people on social media are hiding from the real world by ONLY posting pictures of themselves on vacations, or standing next to new cars, or bragging about their fake happy life.

Lying is another way of hiding from the truth, and now that I truly grasp what sociopathy really is, I can't bring myself to even tell the tiniest fib. Sociopaths lie because reality didn't give them what they wanted. So they make up their own fake reality and run with it. I can't do that. If I'm not good at something, I'm not going to lie and say that I am. I quote Popeye The Sailor Man a lot now when I say, "I am what I am and that's all I am."

Meditation is my new way of escaping, because it is the only escape I know of that is healthy and enlightening. So I'm using it as best I can to mitigate the pain of the world that I can't hide from nor fix.  And it's possible, that my switch from EFs  and medication toward prayer and meditation is part of what is forcing my neural pathways to disconnect and start forging new paths. The cure is making me feel lonely and afraid. But if I had been able to face the real world 60 years ago, I might not be such a mess today. It's not too late to learn how to stand up to the ugliness of the world. It hurts for now, but I HOPE the light that I see up ahead at the end of the tunnel is sunlight and not a train speeding toward me. LOL.

[Armee]

I don't have a ton to say right now but want you to know I read, I feel the pain you are describing and it feels existential. And even disgust I feel that coming through too with how the world is right now.

You know too the world at the same time it is filled with utter crud it is also filled with its opposite and when you pop out of this current state you are feeling (and are feeling it for a good reason!) I have no doubt you'll reconnect with the good parts too. Until then lots of hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

PC, i hear you.  i also feel disgusted.  i've never felt so much hate before and it's very uncomfortable for me to live in this world.  it's so very depressing.  and, yep, when we don't have our 'go-to's' anymore, it makes everything that much more vivid, more real, more painful.

i'm glad you have meditation to help you escape for at least a little while.  i'm able to submerse myself in book stuff at times.  keep hangin' tough, ok?  i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[littlebluejay]

Papa Coco, I relate with so much of what you said. It is so valid, and so hard. The world is heavy. When we give up unhealthy ways of coping, the heaviness is still there. Life doesn't suddenly become more tolerable when we give up those ways of coping, but instead demands to be felt? I'm glad you've found meditation to be helpful. Finding new, healthy, helpful coping mechanisms can be hard but they are there 

[Papa Coco]

Armee, San and LittleBlueJay,

I'm so glad you all responded. I need these interactions pretty desperately. Otherwise I tend to assume I'm the only person who can't deal with the state of the world. My wife's a sweetheart but she deals with the rising insanity better than I do, and she doesn't give me a very sympathetic ear when I express my anger and sadness at how everything is going into chaos.

I would describe what I'm feeling as:

- Grief about what's been lost
- Anxious about what's going to happen next
- Overwhelmed by how big the problems are, or how much work it will take to solve them
- Disillusioned by the people in positions of power
- Guilty for not doing more
- Paralyzed by all these feelings

My wife, bless her heart, is better able to shrug the rising global problems more easily than I am.


I made the decision today to schedule another Ketamine Infusion for next week. Those infusions are expensive, but they raise me up from the deepest depressions for up to a few months now.

It helps a little to know that I'm not alone with my anger and depression about the state of the world.

I've often referenced the world's most prolific healers, such as Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Tutu, even King Solomon, all of whom were unable to stop seeing the pain and suffering in the world. This is partly why I honestly believe the reason we, the members on this forum, suffer is because WE are the peacemakers. WE are the good on this planet, which is why we are so adversely affected by the evil and the pain and the suffering of others. We know peace is the right way...so the current world isn't making sense to us. It's difficult to accept it all when we know it simply does not have to be this way.

My therapist reminds me that openly acknowledging the suffering and unfairness of this world really is a part of the pathway through it. I just wish looking at it didn't hurt so bad.

My current movement toward trying to become more spiritual is an attempt to experience some level of what our famous healers experienced when they became who they were. All of them used meditation and prayer. So it must be the way through this pain and anger. So far it's a slow progress with small moments of joy. But my therapist keeps saying that those of us who continue to hold the vigil for peace are the only thing keeping the world from completely collapsing. So...I continue with my vigil. My prayers for peace. My meditations. I can say that while I'm meditating, I feel peace and love, but nothing else. It's a nice short vacation each day. I'm just not successfully keeping up the peace and love while I'm living the other 23 hours of the day.

Not yet anyhow. But neural pathways break and redirect over time and persistence. So I persist. Like they say, Neurons that fire together wire together. So every day I go back into an hour of meditation in hopes that my neurons keep firing together in more peaceful and loving pathways.

Again, thanks for responding, and for sharing that you feel much the same way. I really hate the anger that boils up in me. Anger isn't comfortable for me. And it's not what I want to be known for.

[Armee]

Even though you experience anger, that will never ever be what you are known for Papa C. You are kind and loving and gentle. Having anger is part of that kindness.

Sending love your way. 💛

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Armee.

[Armee]

Glad to know you are here   

[Papa Coco]

Hi Armee,

Yeah, I've been quiet lately. Partly because I'm busy with family stuff. But also because I feel like I've been mentally distracted and unable to respond to forum members accurately. I feel like I'm not truly understanding what I'm reading, so my responses are inappropriate or "off-base." I'm afraid of offending anyone by misunderstanding them and making comments that don't make sense...like I'm babbling incoherently online. So to stave off any chance of hurting anyone's feelings by saying something dumb, I'm not responding to much at this time.

I feel like I'm losing touch with the world and it would be best to keep silent until I feel like I know what's going on around me again.

I've been reading some of the things you say to other members. You say such beautiful things to people. So I'm kind of sitting here, cheering you on, and feeling like I couldn't say it better so no need to risk adding something that confuses the direction of the threads.

Meanwhile, I've scheduled a Ketamine Infusion for Thursday in hopes it will help reset my mental state. I've also signed up for Kizzie's upcoming ZOOM group. I'm excited to see how that goes.

Thanks so much for caring and for checking in with me. These aren't just words. Having someone care enough to check in with me is a huge deal, and I very much appreciate it.