Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[compassion4all]

I own a Honda HRV but currently there is a Nissan Sentra in my parking space. Why is that, one might ask? Because my car is in the shop. The auto body shop, that is. Why? Because for the 3rd time (yes, the 3rd time), when I was backing out of my parking space in the carport, I failed to turn the wheel soon enough and basically rammed into the pole. Three times!!!!  The driver side bumper panel had to be replaced.  Twice. The last time it happened was a couple of years ago but I was waiting for my insurance to decrease a bit before I filed a 3rd claim (in 4 years). lol.

IOW, I can truly relate to your story and understand how you are feeling. The last time I did it, I put the car in park and just cried like a baby. I beat myself up and worse, heard my ex's voice talking down to me. Every time I look at it, I think of how I felt when I did it rather than just seeing it for what it is. 

After reading about your experience, however, the only logical conclusion that I can come to is that that is just what happens to intelligent, insightful people when they are on a serious healing journey.  We are (finally) more focused on our respective internal worlds after spending years - way too long - focused on our external worlds. My therapist told me once "healing can be messy sometimes".  I think this just may be one example of that. 

[NarcKiddo]

Hey, Papa Coco.

I have no insight on the subject of your latest posts but it's good, I think, that you have been able to journal it and work through the issues. I am completely unlike you in that I very, very rarely damage something or spill drinks or whatever. I am naturally clumsy but I learned how not to be. It wasn't even that I was guaranteed a punishment for damaging something as a child. It was just that you never knew what you were going to get. Easiest to go un-noticed - and that meant never damaging anything.

But your post resonates because my husband damages everything, just like you do. He hates himself for doing it and I have never understood how he does it. I was able to learn to control myself and can't understand why he won't. I take being careless as a sign that he actually does not care. Your posts have moved me to consider his behaviour with more compassion and wonder whether he is in the same boat as you. He was brought up by a monstrous mother in a fundamentalist religious home. So thank you for your posts. 

[Papa Coco]

Wow, thank you for these responses from all of you. You've helped guide me toward a better understanding of what the real problem is here. It's not about the dent in the car, it's about the dent in my self-image.

Denting the Jeep gave my trauma memories a chance to punish myself deeply again. I, once again, became comfortably uncomfortable in being unable to manage my life without making public mistakes. Whenever I break, stain, dent or chip something. The first words out of my mouth are to insult myself for being "An idiot!" or I'll yell out, "It figures!"

My FOO isn't here to punish me anymore, so I'm doing it for them.

When I saw the damage I did, I said horrible things about myself. "GDI! Why am I such a F*** IDIOT?" I wanted to give the Jeep back to the dealer and admit that I don't deserve it for being so careless, and then go lay on the couch and not move until I quietly starve to death.

The most important thing of all here is that the feeling of self-punishment was a familiar feeling. Like a "my family was right, and this is who I really am" feeling.  Like I "got what I deserved", which is really telling me that I think I deserve to be that homely, confused, messy little problem that my FOO always said I was.  This makes me think that I subconsciously drop and spill and dent and scratch things because I don't feel like I'm ME if I have something that's in good condition.

I sabotage myself because the narcissists who raised me were jealous people. Narcissists punish good people like us when we make a mistake AND they punish us even worse when we feel good about ourselves. Anytime I did anything wrong, I was accused of being born incompetent. In my Catholic upbringing, no one ever said, "you dropped something" they would say "Why do you always have to drop everything?" It's a much more pointed insult to who I am at the soul level. Attacking ME was more fun for them than just addressing the mistake itself. I can't count how many times my Catholic teachers AND my own family would ask "What makes you do things like this?" To that question, especially to a 5 year old, there's only one answer, and that's "I guess I was just born broken."

To feed their jealous brains, any time I did anything right, I was intentionally ignored or even later accused of making THEM miserable because I was happy.  So my trauma brain believes that I can't let myself get too happy, or I'll hurt the people around me. So, to stay in my comfort zone, I break or dent or diminish the success of what I've done. Then my trauma brain can do what it knows how to do...feel shame and self-hatred, as I was so well taught to feel.

I'm glad you all responded how you did, because I think focusing on how I punish myself for not being perfect is the real issue here. Denting the Jeep just helped open the door to a place in my head and heart that I need to address.

[Armee]

 

You're a wonderful human.

[Papa Coco]

Today someone told me about their body issues, and how when they are working with a body worker, (I assume like a massage therapist), they report to the body worker what part of their body feels off. Then the body worker manipulates that part of their body, and relief is delivered.

What struck  me the most was that this person didn't try to figure out why that part of the body was in pain or tingling or whatever. They just told the therapist what they felt and the therapist just worked on that body part.

As soon as this person said what they said, I felt a gripping weight on both of my shoulders as if someone from behind was holding me down. It was tempting to try and visualize why I was feeling that, but then it hit me that NOT pursuing the why might make the healing work better.

Body memories are fascinating.  I've read that scientists who map the brain can find which areas process our memories, but they have yet to find the location of the memories. Scientists don't know where memories are stored.  I also, recently read, that people who recieve organ transplants, sometimes also begin to remember places, people and events that they have never known before. Occasionally, these organ transplant patients can connect with the families of their donors, only to discover that the memories are from the lives of the donors.  In other words, MEMORIES are stored inside the organs: the liver, kidneys, hearts, etc. Not in the brain.  This leads me down the path to thinking that if my shoulders have a memory that they are harboring, those memories might not have had visions to associate with. It was just the feeling of being gripped and that's all the shoulders know. So...maybe when i do my massage therapy next week, I'll see if I can pinpoint a body part that feels like it wants her to manipulate, and STOP myself from trying to remember why the body part wants to be worked on.  I'll hazard a guess that it will be my shoulders, as it usually is my shoulders that give me the most fatigue. Maybe, if the shoulders are still feeling heavy, I'll just shut up about wondering why, and let the body ask for help, give it that help, and go on with my day.  Sometimes I think that by me trying to remember why a body part hurts or is damaged, I clutter the space to the point where I can't move through it.

Just a thought.

[Armee]

That's a really helpful thought for me too, Papa Coco and I'm so grateful you shared it here. I only experience body sensations and emotions by virtue of the parts of my brain that don't work (or maybe they work exactly how I need them to, by not sharing visuals). I feel crazy trying to attach and share the narrative that belongs because how do I really know? And yet having the narrative has also really really helped me heal. But I really like the approach you learned and shared and I'll think about that, too.  Just today in therapy this came up.

[NarcKiddo]

I think it's fascinating how much stuff comes up in the body.

It occurs to me that your idea of simply treating the issue rather than ruminating on the "why" is a good one. Partly because it would be easy to jump down the wrong rabbit hole. My thinking here is that maybe there is no memory, per se. I have suffered from horrendous muscle tension in my back and shoulders since my teenage years. In my case I suspect it started from me being constantly scared, tense, holding my body under tight control etc etc. There is nothing in that area of my body directly connected with any traumatic memory. I am completely sure of that.

Of course my muscle tension is very different from the feeling you describe. But your feeling could arise from something traumatic, or maybe from an area of the body that has asked for help before but been ignored. Or maybe it comes from a time you were distressed and somebody kind was gripping you to help you be still and calm. There's any number of possibilities. Although people often suggest that one should treat the cause, not the symptom, I don't think there is anything wrong in treating the symptom in the first instance. So long as you are open to the fact that there could be a root cause that needs addressing, and you listen to your body, I am pretty sure it will soon let you know if treating the symptom is not doing the whole job.

I'd love to know how you get on with this approach if you want to share later on.

[dollyvee]

As soon as this person said what they said, I felt a gripping weight on both of my shoulders as if someone from behind was holding me down. It was tempting to try and visualize why I was feeling that, but then it hit me that NOT pursuing the why might make the healing work better.

Hey PC,

I've been taking abreak from the forum working through some things and a little bit of what I've been reading is on preverbal trauma and somatic IFS. I've started reading Susan McConnell's book, Somatic IFS and there's a lot in there. I find it brings up a lot of things and I have to keep taking breaks. I tried some of the jaw movements and I had very strong dreams for two days that I'm still incorporating. I'm also reading Robert Falconer's book on IFS and the Porous Mind.

I'm glad you came to the realization that you do deserve nice things and you're not a bad person if you make a mistake. That's something I struggle with too.

Sending you support 
dolly

[sanmagic7]

hey, PC, i believe we do take over the job of punishing ourselves when the original perpetrators are no longer in the picture.  the same goes for the things we think about ourselves.  it may be much more difficult to realize and accept that those people were wrong, rather than that we are wrong.  and so the trauma runs rampant as ever.

i've had poor posture from the time i was very young, was mocked, called names, and threatened because of it.  i did make a narrative for myself to explain it which was that i've been carrying a huge weight, probably from unrealistic expectations, and it bent me over.  plus, that i was in protective mode. that helped me for some reason.  i know it doesn't work the same for everyone, but i've been making these narratives for myself for a very long time.  i think they were survival techniques.

i think it's a good idea to let the massage therapist do their work and release whatever's hiding in your shoulders.  i hope it helps.  love and hugs

[natureluvr]

San , Moondance, Armee, thanks for the support. Perfection sucks. I was raised being compared to it by family and church. I find it interesting how many similarities we, on this forum, have, even down to the little things.  Everyone lives with bumps and bruises and scratches and dents and stains. But those of us who were raised to be criticized by our families and churches for not being absolutely perfect, ended up on this forum feeling bad about ourselves for being normal, flawed humans.

Samey, samey.  Yes, perfectionism sucks. I feel you on this one.

I've been extremely busy these past couple of weeks. I've hired people to work on my yard, fence and house, and I've been hauling debris for them in my truck and trailer so they can keep working. They keep me pretty busy. Also I'm feeling a bit better emotionally, and able to reorganize and declutter in small, but progressive motions. 

I'm glad to hear you are doing better emotionally.   

My wife and I have both started to fall into situations with friends and her coworkers who are struggling with narcissistic, incompetent, immature and bully parents. What we've been through with our own two FOOs, and what we've learned through books and  experience, and what I've specifically learned through therapy and this forum, is making both my wife and I into people who can help. Sort of like how recovering addicts make good addiction counselors, we are recovering Gaslight victims who are able to help other gaslight victims gain a sense of not being alone with their emotional ups and downs.  For me, reaching out to share my life with others who feel isolated and confused makes me feel like I'm part of the cure, and less of a pointless victim. It powers my sails a bit. It helps to feel like I'm able to take my own experiences and turn them into help for others who are where I've been, (or even where I still am in some cases). Feeling useful in any way really helps me, and it staves off that Grimm Reaper character who comes around whenever I feel absolutely useless to the world.

This is excellent!  I'm a moderator on another forum, and I understand how much it helps to be of help to other people.  For me, it's like, at least the suffering wasn't pointless if it can help me help someone else. 

[Papa Coco]

Thank you, Everyone, for the supportive comments.

I did have my massage appointment on Thursday. My Massage therapist is a gentle, very, very spiritual woman who doesn't aggressively hurt me while digging deep, but for some reason, her gentle manipulations work. I get 90 minute massages. I had time to think about my trauma pains and armoring and skeletal anomalies brought on by feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders for 60 years and tried to not put meaning to what I was feeling. It was helpful.

I've been dabbling in the spiritual teachings a bit. I've learned that in most ancient spiritual cultures, that the best way to connect with my body, spirit, soul, emotions, etc, and any higher power that exists beyond our human experience is to focus on feelings, rather than thought.  I believe that it is important that we DO find comfort in identifying our problems. C-PTSD created a salad of problems that made me believe I was a complete and total mess for most of my life. Trauma therapy helped me identify and name the components, or ingredients, of my trauma salad, and that gave me my first ever sense of control over my life and my problems. So I agree that it's good to know the source of my pain.  BUT THEN, once I feel like I finally have an overview of the complexity of my life, THEN, it's good to start allowing the pains and idiosyncrasies of my life to work themselves out without me having to overthink them.

Now that I know what C-PTSD is, it's time for me to start "letting go and letting god." It was important that I intellectualize my issues at first, but now it's important that I pull back some and let the healing happen as it needs.

So now, when I meditate or "chill" or pray or get a massage, or soak in a tub of hot water, I try to clear my mind and let my body talk to me in any way it wants to. Many of the ancient spiritual cultures said that thinking is what causes all our problems. The more we think, the more we ruin. Being "in the moment" is the most peaceful place I have ever been. I can't do it for too many seconds, but for the seconds of the day that I can shut off my thinker and just exist and just hear the sounds of the world around me, feel the temperature of the room, feel my legs on the chair, my feet on the floor, smell the scents near me...that's where I find peace. It's likely where healing can happen also. It's not easy. And I don't do it every day anymore, but wow, when I can just let my body feel whatever it wants to feel, it does calm me down, if even for a minute or two of accumulated time each week.

Years ago I used to walk an hour a day. I'd find urban trails or beaches or marinas where I felt safe and I'd walk as fast as I could for an hour. One day, on a walk along an urban trail, I came around a bend and saw a bunny eating in the path. The bunny saw me and hightailed it into the shrubbery. I walked past, went about 30 more steps, turned around and saw the bunny sitting again in the path, chewing on something again. I was jealous. That rabbit was only afraid of me until I was gone. Then it just resumed its eating as if nothing was wrong. I beleived that bunny was living in the moment. Stress came and saved it from me. Then the stress left and life went on. If only I could do that. I live in fear of tomorrow, and remorse of yesterday. The only time I don't live in is the present time.  I later read The Power of Now and learned a ton more about how to live without thinking too much. Naturally none of these things "cured me" but they have helped a little as I learn how to manage my anxieties. Maybe I should go read The Power of Now again. A refresher might stick with me a bit better this time.

I'm no spiritual guru, not by a long shot. But I'm finding some of the ancient teachings are pretty sound. Like don't think so much. Live in the moment as often as I can make myself do it. In these modern times, a lot of people use music to escape the world for a few minutes. I don't play any instruments, but I have headphones and iTunes. I can, at times, find a song that speaks to me, lean back in my chair and let that song take me out of my anxiety for 3 or 4 minutes. I will likely never make it to feeling "in the moment" for more than a few moments a day, but for the few moments I can accomplish not thinking too much, those moments are priceless.

I'm super busy now. I've got a house painter coming on Monday to start preparing the exterior of the house for paint. I've got a ton of work to do to move things away from the house. And I expect he'll keep me busy for the next couple of weeks moving things around and such.  I'm still here, I'm just in one of those busy times in life where I have less screen time available to me each day. And tonight by 9 year old grandson is hoping Papa will come to the car races with him. He is an excitable, amazing little man, and he's made it very clear he wants me to be at the races with him tonight. LOL. So I'm putting away my own project for the day so we can smell the fuel, hear the roar, and cheer for his favorite car.  Good way to be in the moment. Perhaps this is why people go to these events. The sounds and smells and crowd excitement puts us "in the moment" for hours at a time. Hmm. There's something to this I think.

[Papa Coco]

I just had another thought about the appropriate times to think about the past versus the appropriate times to not think about it.

If I think in terms of Internal Family Systems (IFS), which is the idea that I have many identities living within my brain, those identities can more easily release themselves to me if I'll shut up and let them. In western religions there is a term "Be still and know that I am god."  I think this is a way of practicing that concept.

Now that I know intellectually why I have CPSTD and I know why it affects me and I'm able to recognize trauma responses, I don't really need to think so much about it. When I get traumatized by a frightening person or event today, I go into a trauma induced EF. Once I recognize that I'm in a trauma flashback, then if I can slow down, be still, accept the pain that I'm feeling, welcome the trauma response in, then it's easier for my IFS identity who is living in my brain, to trust me enough to disclose why it's feeling what it's feeling. My EFs last longer if I resist them. They heal more quickly if I accept them as part of who I am, and not try to stop them. If I try to overthink it, I stifle it. If I be still and let it speak, it speaks.

It's really good to do this with a qualified therapist at first, but after a while, I find I can do it myself now by just remembering my therapist's words and doing what he's taught me.

My therapist has been teaching this to me over the past 20 years. He tells me to not resist the pain or anxiety but to sit with it. Thank it for trying to help me in its own way. Be quiet. Let it talk to me if it wants to. Use slow jaw movements and soften my glance, to look around the room but not focus on anything intently, and to name the feelings and sensations of the moment. It's good to move my feet on the floor and feel the contact. It really helps. A lot of the mileage I've made in recovery from trauma has been made during the times that I just shut up and let my world speak to me. For example, recovered memories come to me now because I'm not trying to find them. Once I just accept the abuse was abuse, and stop trying to remember the details, that part of my memory relaxes and unveils itself to me. I remember more now that I don't try so hard.

So, in my opinion, there is a time for intellectualizing and thinking and a time for quieting my brain and letting thoughts come on their own terms.

It's a balance I guess.

[Bach]

Papa Coco, I've read your posts today, and I resonate with a lot of what you say.  I have been working on feeling safe in my body, on being present and not being afraid of it and running away.

This is deep:

My therapist has been teaching this to me over the past 20 years. He tells me to not resist the pain or anxiety but to sit with it. Thank it for trying to help me in its own way. Be quiet. Let it talk to me if it wants to. Use slow jaw movements and soften my glance, to look around the room but not focus on anything intently, and to name the feelings and sensations of the moment. It's good to move my feet on the floor and feel the contact. It really helps. A lot of the mileage I've made in recovery from trauma has been made during the times that I just shut up and let my world speak to me. For example, recovered memories come to me now because I'm not trying to find them. Once I just accept the abuse was abuse, and stop trying to remember the details, that part of my memory relaxes and unveils itself to me. I remember more now that I don't try so hard.

Thank you for sharing.

[NarcKiddo]

Your posts resonate with me, too.

Interestingly, I have just come to your thread from another where somebody asked for advice on getting in touch with their inner child. I had just finished responding there along the lines that if I intellectually try to access child me it doesn't work. The whole experience is emotional and I need to feel it rather than think it.

So thank you for posting what you did, when you did.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you're finding ways to let your body talk to you, PC.  so important.  the body does hold the score, and lets us know exactly how much we've been abused, stressed, and disturbed.  listening to it can only be helpful, to my mind.  you're making some wonderful progress in tackling this beast.  keep up the good work!   love and hugs