Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Dolly, That is a fantastic quote from JB. It addresses a lot of my life's greatest concerns. I do feel entangled with the sorrow of the past, and because I'm so entangled with it, I worry that if I heal, I'll abandon my inner child. I am afraid of healing. I am who I am. If I'm healed, will I stop being who I am? Will I be just another to abandon the pained child still living within me?  Actually, if we do our therapy right, we aren't abandoning them if we bring them into the fold and make them feel okay letting go of the shame and the memories. The past is not real. It's only a series of electrical impulses in our brains or writings in our history books. I repeatedly remind myself: The present is the only real time. And I am no longer the abuse victim today. So, letting go of the unreal past isn't going to abuse people from 60 years ago. It's not easy to let go of a traumatic past, but I can at least convince myself that I'm not hurting anyone from the past by letting go in the present.

Armee, So far I'm just getting started with baking. My mom baked fresh bread every Thursday. I could smell it from down the block on my way home from school. I've made a few cakes for my grandkids' birthdays over the years, but I've never baked. In the city I have a new bread machine which is making it easier. But I'm at the beach now and using a rolling pin and my elbows to do the same thing. I made English Muffins a few days ago and am having one each morning with an egg on it. MMMM! SO GOOD!  I have all the ingredients now to make dark rye bread, (one of my favorites) and will be trying that as soon as my English muffins run low. Currently I'm alone, so I can't bake too much or I'll have to throw it out before I can eat it all.  My mom was not a narcissist. THe narcissism was in my older sister, but Mom was an avid Flying Monkey who protected the evil sister and made me feel  obligated to allow her lies and abuse to affect me for 50 years before Mom died and I went NC with the rest of the Flying Monkeys (My entire family of origin plus their friends and distant relatives). BUT Mom had some redeeming qualities. She had a great sense of humor, and she was a master at baking. She built some local fame in the Seattle area for her pastries and wedding cakes. She made cakes for two Washington State Governors and at least one famous rock band called Queensryche. She was in the papers every now and then. And even though Mom caused me one HECK of a lot of pain with her immature manipulations, her catholic coldness, and her forcing me to be my sister's servant for 5 decades, baking is connecting me with the parts of Mom that I actually liked. Before my sister stopped me, I took as many of Mom's cook books as I could and I managed to get two of Mom's Kitchenaid mixers, which I've been able to put one in the city and one at the beach. I've been buying attachments to use them for making fresh pasta, grinding meat, shredding veggies, and now making dough.  It's kind of fun to be connected with the part of my Mom that I did enjoy.

The trick for me is to not get fat again. I just lost 30 pounds over the summer so I have to be real careful about how to bake and not gain it all back.

NarcKiddo, My Therapist has to talk me down a lot when I read books too. I self-diagnose with every disorder I read about. He doesn't laugh at me, but he stops me quickly and redirects me to what is really true. I don't know why I believe everything I read and hear, but thank Gosh my therapist is so good at stopping me and helping me recieve the information I was seeking, but pulls me back from letting me believe I'm whatever the book was written about. I once told him I think I have BPD, and that was the only time he came close to laughing. He quickly reminded me that Borderline Personality Disorder has a violence with it that I am absolutely incapable of presenting. I haven't got a violent bone anywhere in my body.

[dollyvee]

Congrats on your weight loss PC - that is huge! (pun intended)

Also, it sounds like a relaxing/creative thing to do to be able to connect to some good childhood memories with baking. You can always freeze the baking/bread if you want to continue (just a thought). I don't eat bread a lot, but there is usually some in the freezer.

My understanding of IFS is that once we unburden those parts carrying that pain, we don't toss them away, but we invite them to take on new roles. They're still with us, but not in pain anymore.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, well done on the weight loss, Papa C. Dollyvee is right that bread freezes really well (although you probably know that already). Also you can generally toast bread straight from the freezer, if it is already sliced, which can be handy. I've used a bread maker in the past but my real favourite way to make bread is completely by hand because handling the dough is just such a pleasure. I'm glad you managed to get hold of your Mom's mixers and some of her books. It is nice that you can enjoy some memories.

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Sunday, January 28, 2024

Some people already know this, but I now host three C-PTSD ZOOM groups for a handful of members of this forum. What I can say is, wow. The people who've joined these bi-weekly groups are just as nice and kind and empathetic face to face as they are in writing.

For my first journal entry in a while, I just feel compelled to talk about what a positive experience it's been for me to be a part of these groups.

I have spent most of my life feeling lonely in a crowd. I've always known that most of my family and friends didn't know how much I suffered. And those who did know, politely supported but didn't understand me. So even when surrounded by friends, I've always felt alone. But on this forum, I feel connected with people who know how I feel and understand me.

I haven't posted in a while, but today, I just needed to express how much the support from all the members of this forum, (the writers and the zoomers), how important you are to my healing. Through you all, I feel connected and comforted during my good times as well as my difficult times. I still struggle. But I feel like I can handle triggers so much better when I have access to friends who understand me.

I'm in such a mood of gratitude today. I just needed to share that, and to explain briefly what I'm grateful for.


For information on these ZOOMs, I will post a short note about how they work in the Ideas/Tools for Recovery Section of the forum.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Thank you for playing such a big part in making the groups happen.

[Papa Coco]

Quick Entry for Tuesday, January 30

Our Tuesday support group today was only three of us, and all three of us agreed that joining a larger group (the Saturday group) would benefit all three of us better. So I won't be hosting a third support group at this time.

My role was bothering my wife. She knows, as do I, how I tend to overcommit. When I was employed in the fast-paced corporate world, I used to joke that "I always think I can take on a little bit more, until I suddenly realize I couldn't." She is relieved that I'm only going to participate in two groups, which works out to one each week.

I do, however, really truly enjoy the Zoom groups. The people on this forum are so easy to connect with.

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
I'm glad you're enjoying those Zoom groups, and finding a balance that works out well.
Hope 

[Bermuda]

The zoom groups enjoy you too.

[SteveM]

Thanks for all you do PC, you are the best!

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I'm so glad you found something that helps you here and in the Zoom groups 

It's also great IMO that you are setting some boundaries with what you can and cannot do. Having limitations doesn't make us less ourselves, but more of who we are.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

hey, pc,

the zoom groups sound wonderful and i'm sure they're also very helpful.  good for you for doing this. i'm also glad you set a boundary for yourself - that's always important for us. 

keep up the good work.  and thanks on behalf of everyone. love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

You are all such wonderful people.  We talk a lot about how difficult it is for us C-PTSD folks to take compliments, but I'm finding that here, on the forum, the kindness and empathy of the people who respond is genuine. You make me feel calm when the outside world makes me anxious. Thank you all for the kind support. It's helpful and deeply appreciated.

I've been quiet on the forum. I signed in today to see if I could catch up on what's going on with y'all, but as I'm sitting here, I'm suddenly aware that I can't seem to get connected with myself. I'm kind of disconnected from myself and everything around me. My body is on autopilot. I'm not full-blown depersonalized, but I am a little bit. Like my body is on auto pilot and my brain is just sitting in my head watching my fingers type words, as the world revolves at its own pace apart from me. What worries me is that this could be the beginning of another descent down into the depths of an impending depressive episode. Now that I think about it, I do have a history of late Feb/early March depressive dips. I used to call this my "ride down the bi-polar-coaster." Anything to add a little humor to the seriousness to make it a little easier to deal with.

It's best if I don't respond to people right now, because I don't feel like I'm in a good space and I might misinterpret what I read and then write confusing responses.

I really enjoy interacting with you all. But I need to be sure I'm not in a crazy space when I do so.

I have been invited to be interviewed on a podcast on Sunday. I accepted the invite. So, I have that nervous jitter going now too. Any public speaking, even though I did a lot of it during my working years, makes me feel crazy until it happens and is done with.  My fingers are crossed in hopes that I'll feel better after that's behind me.

I'll check in more when I feel like I can connect with my own brain.

[Larry]

   thinking of you....

[dollyvee]

Heey PC,

Just wanted to send you a hug if that's ok 

I'm reading a book right now called Healing From Developmental Trauma and there's a lot of interesting information about something called the connection survival style. In an chapter later in the book, the therpist outlines her work with a client called Emma. They have been establishing trust bit by bit through something called NARM techniques and neuroaffective touch (?). There is a scheduling issue which sends Emma into a contracted state, and back into mistrust. What really interested me was that she describes her rational mind as knowing that the therapist wasn't to blame etc. However, it was like her body went offline and couldn't reestablish that connection. The therapist continues to explore the core non-verbal states/beginning of trauma with the client until something releases in her body and she can feel the connection open again. I don't know if this relatable to you, or of any use, but it's something I read recently that I'm quite excited by.

Sending you support and see you back when you feel you're ready,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Larry and Dolly, Thank you for the thoughts and hugs.  Being a believer that all life is connected, I honestly believe that thoughts, prayers, hugs, and empathy can be felt between us, and I honestly believe I can feel these nudges from you.

Dolly, I've never heard of Nueroaffective touch, but I wonder if that's what my therapist has been doing with me for the past 20 years.  He is so tuned to me, that whether we're together in his office, or using ZOOM, he can accurately feel my emotions as they rise and fall. He stops me when I just barely begin to dissociate and says, "It feels like you're starting to disconnect from me right now."  When we're in the office together, and when I'm leaving my body during session, he asks if it's okay to touch our toes together. He slides his feet toward mine until our toes (in shoes) are touching. He has me just wiggle my toes and focus on feeling his presence with mine. He's known me long enough that if he asks permission, I won't reel back at his touch. I always say yes, because after knowing him for so long, I trust him. His touch feels good. It's not intrusive or invasive. And it's only with my permission. It's not even skin on skin. It's just our shoes touching each other. He also tells me to feel the floor against my feet, and to feel the couch under my bum. At first, when I was really prone to complete dissociation, he'd coach me to look around the room with a soft gaze, like an unfocused gaze, to send my brain the message that I am present in this environment. While adding this toe-to-toe contact, and my looking around at anchoring visuals, he would talk with me to help ground me back and to teach me that this is trauma. He would look straight into my eyes and say it very slowly. "This is traaaaaaauma". It worked so well, we almost never have to do it anymore. He was connecting my brain to my body and helping me see that the traumatic emotions are not the same as rational emotions.

While I'm alone, when I begin to dissociate or disembody in any way, if I want to ground, I take off my shoes to feel the carpet. I go to the sink and run my hands under cold water. At one point a few years ago, he held out a handful of polished stones and let me pick one. He coaches me to keep that stone with me now and when I start to need to ground, I can grab that stone. Having it in my hand helps my brain focus on him. It's like I have a little piece of him with me. Adding physical touch to memory and mind work connects my body and brain back together.

Having not read the book you're talking about, I don't know if I'm talking about the same thing at all. But you're igniting my curiosity to do some searching on the term NARM to see what it is about.

So far today I'm feeling a bit more grounded than yesterday. It's Valentine's day and Coco has the day off so we'll be spending the day just bumming around and being together. Then tomorrow is another big dental appointment with sedation, so I'll be offline then too. But hopefully, in the next few days I'll start looking around in the forum and catching up with my friends here.

You are all very important to me. My healing journey has a lot of tools in it, and you all, in this forum, are among the tools I trust the most.

Happy V-Day!