Push and Pull

[rothjr3]

a way for me to just ask if anyone else
goes through similar things to make me not feel different. I have struggled with depression since a child and still struggle with it. I began therapy when I was between 8-10 and I am about to be 40. Sometimes once a week (at the least) I think about how life would be easier if I weren't in it. I think about how my pain would vanish and it would just be a relief. I don't know why I spiral. Sometimes it can just be because someone made me feel left out. Having a BPD parent, I was always made to
feel wanted and then unwanted and it would
cycle. So, I always question this...and I can't decide if I am deliberately being left out or
I just go there in my mind because it is what I have come to expect? But, something so small as being left out of a conversation amidst others who are commiserating, can send me in a tailspin. Can anyone relate?

[Hope67]

Hi rothjr3
I can see this is your first post here, and I wanted to Welcome you.

I relate to what you said - definitely.  I might not be able to find the right words to express what I want to say, in terms of explaining how I relate - but I do.  I think situations can be triggering and being made to feel left out is really painful.  I am sorry that you experienced that in your family.  Being made to feel wanted, then unwanted, it's confusing to a child, and indeed to anyone at any age. 

I am sure others relate to what you said too, and I hope you feel welcome here and can find a space that is supportive and that you know you're listened to.  That is how I feel about this community.

You also mentioned 'something so small as being left out of a conversation amidst others who are commiserating, can send me in a tailspin' - that's really understandable too - it's horrible to feel left out.  I relate to that.  Sometimes I think a background of trauma acts like a lens/veil through which we experience things, and depending on what's triggered us (in any situation) we might see things differently moment by moment. 

Sorry to have said so many words, I really didn't think I would be able to write coherently.  I mainly want to say that I do relate, and that I welcome you here, and hope you'll stay around and find it a helpful and safe place to be, if you want to.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

 I like what Hope said "Sometimes I think a background of trauma acts like a lens/veil through which we experience things, and depending on what's triggered us (in any situation) we might see things differently moment by moment."

This is the crazy making part of growing up with a parent who sends mixed messages, it makes it so difficult for us to figure out whether others are doing the same thing or not.  We see everything through that original lens as Hope says. 

So you came to the right place as many of us here will relate rothjr3.  One thing that might help is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which helps us learn to challenge our beliefs ("I am being left out") and rethink situations ("Maybe no-one is leaving me out, I am just having a difficult time joining in because of my past").

Welcome to OOTS by the way 

 

[Papa Coco]

Hi RothJr3

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you jumped in and told us your story. I feel it too. What you did here, by telling us that you feel this way, was very smart. I'm glad you told us this. Most of the people who are on this forum are on it for similar reasons: We feel alone in a crowded world. We are not alone, but we were trained to believe we are alone.

My family did the same thing: it's called Transactional Love. How it works is you're loved if you behave how we tell you to, and you're ignored if you don't.  It's like dog training. It's how they trained me to be their servant. It's how farmers break the spirits of their wild horses, or how circuses break the spirits of their majestic elephants.

One of the greatest fears in the human brain is the fear of abandonment. Bad parents use that fear of abandonment against their own children, and the results last a lifetime. For me, if I was what my family and their religion wanted me to be, they loved me and included me in everything. But if I was "myself" rather than what they wanted me to be, then they acted like I didn't exist. They didn't include me or listen to me, until I apologized for being me and behaved how they told me to.

That fear of abandonment has stuck with me my whole life. I'm the grandpa now and still, when I feel ignored or left out, I still feel panic all through my body and soul. People don't even have to do it on purpose, but if I feel like I'm being ignored, I go into my crazy place in my head.

I invite you to always try to feel safe telling us whenever you are feeling that way here. If you start to feel ignored on this site, you can just send a quick post saying, "I feel alone" or "I feel ignored" and the people on this site will probably jump in and help you get through the feeling.  I did this a few days ago. I was feeling the fear that my posts weren't what they were supposed to be, so I told the forum I felt that way, and BAM! A whole bunch of the good people on this site jumped in and helped me feel better again. These are good people who understand the fear of being ignored.

Today, I still struggle with the feeling that I'm about to be ignored again, so what I do about it is I don't ever let myself do that to someone else. My kids grew up knowing I loved them no matter what. Now my grandkids get the same treatment from me. If they do something wrong, like break something, or say something hurtful, I KEEP LOVING THEM! I am working hard to break the cycle of emotional abuse. I'm not going to let that abusive act of using transactional love to train my kids or grandkids to be what I decide they should be. I want them to find their own bliss in the world and, no matter what they want to do or be, I'm going to support them.

I can't fix what my parents did to me, but I can stop that nasty practice from going down to the generations below me, or to my friends, or my wife.

[storyworld]

Rothjr, I don't have any wise words but did want to thank you for sharing. I am new here and it is helpful to read experiences as I unpack my own confusion, etc. Your courage to share and also reading the responses is encouraging for my own journey. And I am sorry for your pain.