I don't know

[thatsnotmyname]

Hi all,
This is just me trying to figure out which heading to put this under because none of them really fit. There are too many intersectional issues happening all at once. Sorry if this sounds jumbled and garbled I just need somewhere to put down thoughts and perhaps seek feedback? I received a call yesterday that my nephew is in the hospital and only has days to live. My nephew is only 42 years old and is dying from alcoholism. My mind is screaming. I see what the trauma and dysfunction is doing to my loved ones and I want to scream. I am so angry. I have lost a niece to the same thing and I have another nephew who is lost to the streets in drug addiction - no idea if hes dead or alive. I grew up in a family where feelings were not discussed and emotions were shut down. My brother, whose son is dying, probably received the worst treatment out of all my siblings. He is always there for others but always minimizes his needs or brushes off any support offered. I'm at this weird place where I've always felt a burden - so much so that reaching out to support my own brother terrifies me. I can imagine the pain he is enduring and I don't know what to do. THe place he resides in right now mentally - losing a child - seems so sacred and holy that I don't dare step in his space. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I have never been close to my siblings because there is such a huge gap in our ages - at least 20 years. So I don't have that shared experience of growing up together. I have always felt on the outside and a bit estranged from my family because of this. I also moved out of state about two years ago, so I can't even see my nephew even if I wanted to visit. I don't know whether to fly home or not because I don't know what I would do, and we don't know how long he will be here. Right now I feel like a spectator - helpless to do anything as my brother watches his first born son die. I just don't know what to do.

[Hope67]

Hi thatsnotmyname,
What you wrote didn't sound jumbled or garbled, it was clear and I really feel for your situation - being so far away geographically and also feeling like you're not sure what to do in this situation.  I am so sorry to hear about your nephew, and I understand your concerns for your brother. 

I remember that you wrote in a previous post that you like to write, and I wondered if maybe you could express some of what you feel and want to say to your brother in a letter, or text, or maybe to whoever called you to tell you the news about your nephew being in hospital.  Maybe then the communication would be open to talk about what they might want/need, and what you wanted to do yourself.

If it's ok, can I offer you a supportive hug 

Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Thatsnotmynsame,

I agree with Hope67. The post you wrote to us is well written, and very, very authentic. I can really feel YOU in what you wrote in words. Your feelings are definitely from your true heart. Hope's suggestions to tell him in writing what you've told us, or to follow the communication trail back through whomever informed you of your nephew's illness feel like good suggestions to me.

I believe love is connection, and connection is a universal language. I also believe that when we do things from that place of love in our hearts, that's when we are connecting to each other AND to the greatest healing power of all. You are feeling love for your nephew, and also for your brother. Obviously, no words can fix the physical situation at hand today, but connection with your brother can still happen. No one wants to be alone. He'll either appreciate your reaching out or he won't. Even if he doesn't, YOU will always know you reached out to him in love. It will always matter to you, and it may always matter to him too. It may also somehow matter to others in the family.

If you can write to him with the authenticity you wrote to us with, there's a chance your reaching out could bring some warmth to your brother's heart. Not knowing your family at all, we can't predict what will really happen, but when you reach out from a place of authentic love for your brother, even if he doesn't respond, it still puts a moment of love out into the world.

My T teaches that since human beings really are connected through some mysterious energy we can't see, that any healing any of us do for ourselves or others, is healing to all of us. Like each of us is a 1/8 billionth piece of a whole called "humanity". Each time one of us injects love into humanity, humanity as a whole gets just a little bit better.

Your situation feels complicated, but perhaps just sharing your love with your brother, and being authentic, will somehow bring a 1/8 billionth portion of healing to him, to yourself, and to anyone else involved in this tragic event.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm so sorry for the tragedy your family is going through. I'm impressed by the heartfelt love you are expressing for this family that you barely feel connected to. You're a beautiful soul. I'm sending you and your brother a virtual hug now too. 

[Kizzie]

I grew up in a family where feelings were not discussed and emotions were shut down.

No pressure at all but maybe you could try breaking this unwritten rule and reach out gently, even if to say something simple like "I'm so sorry about your son, I'm here and you can call me any time."

If that's too much for you (and breaking those family rules can be for those of us with CPTSD), you could write a letter as PC and Hope have suggested and keep it until you're ready to send it (if ever).  Even by keeping it forever or giving it to your B at a later date, you have expressed how you feel for yourself, for your health and well-being and it will get easier to be your authentic self with others the more you practice saying what's in your heart, just as you did here. 

Thatsnotmynsame,