Hello the room!

[jessicat84]

Hi!

I've been lurking for... several weeks if not more than a month and signed up two weeks ago. After reading a dozen-ish intro posts, I think I can write one. I read one where the person talked about deleting it and a commenter said they do the same thing, which made me feel slightly calmer.

I sorted out that my childhood/adolescence wasn't normal in college when I told funny stories and everyone gave me a Look. It turns out my sense of humor is rather dark.

My father is emotionally, psychologically, verbally, financially abusive and only dipped into physically abusive as a last resort. I'm pretty sure HIS father was physically abusive and he promised himself he wouldn't do the same thing. My mother never recovered from a decent amount of neglect from her own adolescence and so didn't realize that leaning on me so hard would break me. I'm more comfortable being mad with my father than my mother. The worst of it ended when my father disowned me when I was 18.

I got two degrees in Social Work and took a whole class in domestic violence (big mistake. hanging out with classmates who are denigrating the accuracy of the textbook that explains your life is not fun). A couple of years ago, I read about C-PTSD and thought it sounded about right, but wasn't sure. I finally reached out to a trauma therapist nearly a year ago. She's suggested I find an online support group. I looked around a bit and found this website and found the more complete explanation of C-PTSD and went, "Oh. That's me." and I am Not OK with it. I thought I had a good handle on my trauma and life story and it turns out I don't.

So I'm working on that.

I'm a data analyst who works for women's nonprofits, I like to knit and crochet, I'm disabled (fibromyalgia and POTS), and am too afraid to have friends. My sister lives an hour's drive away, the rest of my FOO has relocated to another state (all separately) over the past few years. My extended family lives across the country and don't much like me anyway (or anyone else in my FOO, to be fair).

Maybe this will help me learn that people aren't all terrifying?

Thanks!

[Bach]

Welcome to the forum, Jessica    This is a good place.  I hope you find it helpful.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum Jessicat,

It's good to hear that after you lurked a bit first, you felt that this was a safe place to join. This forum has proven to me to be a safe enough place to open up and ask questions, or share thoughts, or share referrals of great articles and books. I've been a member for just over a year and I've found this to be a very friendly, safe place to open up. I often worry that I've gone too far or said too much, but the other members calm me back down and give me permission to be who I am on the forum.

I hope you find what you're looking for here.

[Armee]

 

Hi! I know I know feeling of being shocked th as t things weren't normal and not being OK with CPTSD. Eventually, acceptance of it truly helps the healing, but the not accepting it seems a needed step, too.

This is a pretty safe place. It's a good place to practice a bit. Being open, knowing that we understand the little freakouts, self-doubt. Self-censorship, fear. Etc.

So, welcome.

[Hope67]

Hi Jessicat,
Welcome   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Jessicat 

[Krinicole]

Hi Jessicat,

I am also new to this forum and wanted to offer you good vibes and soothing thoughts as you continue reaching out for help.  I hope that we both find what we're looking for here and continue the healing process. Good luck to you.
-Kristin

[jessicat84]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the warm welcome- having feelings is hard!