Experiencing emotional flashbacks as a curious observer

[Unbroken1]

Hi everyone. I am following the writings of Pete Walker, Bessel Van der Kolk, and Peter Levine, and for the first time in my 64 years I can feel the despair and hopelessness of my CPTSD start to abate, using the principles and methodologies that are advocated by these authors. I was raised by uBPD/uNPD parents and am still coming to an awareness of just how incredibly damaging my childhood FOO was.

There is one aspect that I stiil struggle with, and that is "witnessing" or observing my emotions mindfully, and seeing those emotions as passing clouds but they seem to still hang over my psyche, and I can't re-experience those emotions without fear and shame when I think about my past. No matter what part of my life I consider in this way, it's tainted by that same fear and shame - even if the experience at the time was not traumatic.

I am working on self-compassion and dialoguing with both my inner critic and inner child, but seem to be stuck. If anybody here has thoughts or ideas about working through this process, I would like to hear them. Thanks.

[dollyvee]

Hi Unbroken1,

I grew up with a narc FOO and am reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride. It's written for daughters of narcissistic mothers but she has a good chapter on grief and feeling those things brought up in childhood. As well, she talks about projection and how NPD parents projected a lot of their negative feelings onto us, which we then internalized and it became "I'm not good enough." For myself, I never realized before that these feelings didn't belong to me, they were something I had to believe and take on in order to survive. Well, I did see it in IFS but think this book helped clarify it intellectually for me. I wonder if those feelings of fear and shame are similar for you? Those are the things one of your parents believed that you then had to take on in order to survive?

Hope you find what you need,
dolly