Journey toward healing (and no longer thinking I’m crazy)

[Krinicole]

Hello to everyone and thanks for reading about my journey.

I am 50 years old and started therapy when I was 30. I've known something was wrong since adolescence, but had no idea what. I grew up with my brother and both biological parents. We lived in a nice house and everything seemed fine. I have always been close to my parents, especially my mother, and throughout my life my friends have always adored my mom and admired our relationship. My family now lives 5 minutes away from my parents and they are deeply involved in all of our lives.

My "symptoms" have included exhaustion, uncontrollable rages, no sense of self, an inability to trust, a consistent inner voice saying I was a pathetic loser, taking out my pain on those closest to me, substance abuse, self-hatred, and slowly shutting down until I had ruined my career and the majority of my relationships. There are more "symptoms", but these are the most debilitating. I put symptoms in quotes because no doctor, friend, family member or therapist ever thought they were symptoms. Instead I was made to feel lazy, ungrateful, and dramatic. I came to believe I was just plain crazy.

It's taken 20 years of therapy, immense pain and isolation, and a lot of research to discover that my mother has covertly narcissistic tendencies, and yes, I do believe she suffers with NPD. That research led me to learn about complex PTSD. Upon reading about each disorder, all I could do was cry for several days. Suddenly, everything made sense. I knew I'd FINALLY figured out what was wrong with me, even if nobody else believed it. Turns out my mom is a master of manipulation, shifting blame, triangulation, and "helping" me see that every instinct I've ever had is wrong.

I found a therapist who specializes in CPTSD and specifically, female trauma. I have hope for the first time ever that with time, talking & self care I'll be able to move my life forward and help mend the damage I have done to my own children.

I'm so glad I found this website – I'm in desperate need of community. I added an avatar to my profile as a way to say 'I am here' because I have spent my life feeling so invisible and invalidated. It's time to take back my life and discover who I really am.

Thank you!!!

[Armee]

Hi, and welcome! BPD mom here and it was brutal and quite damaging and very confusing. The symptoms are real.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Krinicole,

I'm glad you found this website also. I found it just a tad over a year ago, and I've been glad I did ever since. This forum fulfills my need to share my trauma-driven life with the like-minded, without having to explain myself first.

Your well-written introductory post resonates with me. My closely-knit family did a lot of damage during the 50 years I was cluelessly in their control. Right from birth I was trained to believe I was helpless, and darn lucky they loved me anyway. So, for 50 years I remained loyal to them while they humiliated me, lied about me, lied to me, criticized and taunted every decision I ever made. I estranged at age 50 after my baby sister took her own life specifically because she couldn't bear the family's treatment and she didn't believe she had the right to drop her loyalty and leave the family. NOTE: I believe that fear often disguises itself as loyalty, and that's why people stay in abusive families. I think of fear-based loyalty as a subset of Stockholm Syndrome.

I just wanted to share enough about me to show that I have a working understanding of how families can keep us close without us realizing how abusive they really are.

I hope you find what you came here for. I think this forum is a great group of people who are sharing our healing journeys and finding the validation we need that none of us are as crazy as we'd always believed we were.

[Bach]

  Welcome, Krinicole!

I relate to your story.  My history is somewhat different than yours, but alike in the most important way -- that of spending most of my life thinking that I was defective and crazy, and going through many years of therapy before I figured out that I had been grievously covertly abused by a narcissistic mother and, by extension, the whole family, because they all followed her lead and none ever challenged her propaganda.  Even my father, who divorced her when I was 5 and told me when I was 13 that she was crazy, bought into her vision of me, and passed it on to his second and third wives and all of my siblings. 

I won't make this about me, but I do want to tell you in the most affirmative possible terms that here you will find people who understand and who will believe you, even if the experiences you describe sound so twisted and outlandish that you even question yourself about whether or not they really happened.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a very warm welcome Krinicole    I could have written your post (and did in 2014 when I started OOTS ).

My M (now 93) is a covert N and like you it took me years, decades actually to figure out exactly what she was and how badly it had affected me.  It's what is so incredibly harmful about covert N abuse, it's not easy to see like physical or sexual abuse, neglect, or even more overt/grandiose N abuse (think Trump, Boris Johnson, too many to name).  My M is beloved still to this day so I have gone No Contact with most of my original/extended family because most of them don't see it and it triggers me so badly. 

Very glad you found your way here and that you have figured out what happened to you, have a great T (very rare!) and are wanting a community for yourself who get it.  We do. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Krinicole

I'm about the same age as you and have been in therapy for decades. This forum is a really supportive place. I'm glad you realise you're not the crazy one

[Armee]

I won't make this about me, but I do want to tell you in the most affirmative possible terms that here you will find people who understand and who will believe you, even if the experiences you describe sound so twisted and outlandish that you even question yourself about whether or not they really happened.

x 1000. Well said, Bach.