The Of Course Method of dealing with Narcisists

[Papa Coco]

I just read an article about "the Of Course" method for breaking free from narcissists.

https://www.selfloverecovery.com/blogs/blog/of-course-method

It's a brief article, but it's leading me to do some more reading on the topic.

[Kizzie]

Such a great article Papa, tks for sharing it. 

Predictive awareness goes hand in hand with the "Observe Don't Absorb Technique". Because you are working on your awareness, you need to positively dissociate from the encounter and observe what is happening....In short: the narcissist is trying to get you in the "wrestling ring" to fight, but you are just there as a bystander! Using the "Observe Don't Absorb Technique", you are remaining on the outside and retaining your power and control of the situation.

This is it exactly isn't it?!  Hard to learn/do for those of us who were abused by an N, but those times when I've been able to I have felt that freedom and control and loved it. I wonder if working with Ketamine will help me to do this better?  Mostly I just turn and leave the minute I sense someone is an N but I would love to retain my power and calm because heaven knows they are everywhere. 

Anyway, two new mantras to tuck away: "Observe, don't absorb" and "Of course".  I find little sayings like this do hold immense wisdom and power. 

[Kizzie]

PS - I Love the image near the bottom of the man using a bullhorn to shout at a woman who is calmly filing her nails while her hair is flying all about because of all the hot air he is sending her way.  Too funny.

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie,

I have a funny story of when I finally figured this out in my own situation. 2009. My little sister's suicide in June 2008 had taken my mother's will to live. Mom had an amazing ability to control the uncontrollable. From June 2008 until early 2009, she repeatedly told us all that she refused to live to Mother's Day, which would be Sunday, May 10 that year, without our beautiful little sibling. By April 2009 she'd developed chronic kidney failure. As Mother's Day approached, she got sicker and sicker. I was working 10-hour days and going to college at night. My NPD older sister (who I call my Narcissister) and my less than brilliant older brother who also had no ability to hold a job, had begun taking care of Mom. To add some backstory, Narcissister had lost every job she'd ever had because as soon as she'd get employed, she'd start steeling, and then breaking into her peer's computer accounts, and then trying to get her peers fired. By this time the old monster was 59 years old and 100% unemployable. So the family decided to cater to her (AGAIN) because families of NPD's do that until they wake up...which I hadn't quite yet done, and we encouraged our angry, traumatized Dad to pay her for her services.

OKAY: The night came a week or so before Mother's Day when I was there, like we all were, helping Mom, who was now in Hospice and in a hospital bed in our family rec room. The old monster Narcissister TOLD me I had to skip college and work and put in my night taking Mom to the toilet and such. I said, "I have work and school!" She started in with her Narcissistic psycho wrestling match BS and yelled, "I don't NEED this kind of an attitu---" Then, without even knowing why I'd done it, I pursed my lips and started shouting 'Naa naa naa naa naa naa naa naa" to drown her out. She and my mentally challenged (stupid is actually a better word for him) older brother (who was her faithful ball-less puppet) yelled back all kinds of insults like I was acting like a baby.  I ended up taking care of Mom that weekend, but that was the beginning of the end, and the start of my track to eventually estrange from all of them in 2010. But somehow, I'd also learned that I NEVER had to listen to another word either of them ever spoke. I finally woke up and saw how to handle sociopaths and narcissists AND their puppets. Just stop listening and absolutely ALWAYS stop engaging with a single word they say.

A few days later I had therapy, and I told my T what I'd done and how embarrassed I was for having done it. But he roared in laughter and said, "No! That's exactly what you SHOULD have done!"  He called me brilliant, and he still reminds me of it to this day. He says I was starting to grasp exactly how to deal with sociopaths that night. 

Since then, I've just intrinsically known that if you walk away from a sociopath while they're talking, they lose absolutely ALL their power. They are wrestling with nobody if you leave the ring.

To finish the story of Mom's superpower to control the forces of nature, she passed away of natural causes exactly 9 minutes before Mother's Day 2009.

[Kizzie]

I heard this saying some time ago that stuck with me regarding N's and reflects what you've posted about:

If you want to stop dancing, just sit down.

Simple, but elegant I thought. 

[Papa Coco]

I love it. That's perfect.

I think I'm going to start using that line myself. I agree: Simple and elegant.

[Kizzie]

My NB got married again this past weekend and my 94 yr old NM attended.  Apparently in the middle of things she had some sort of heart issue, insisted she was fine (so that everyone would fuss and insist she go to the hospital - we've seen this particular move from the N playbook before).  And apparently it took 5 people (likely 5 strong musclemen types) to hold my B back from going to the hospital with her (which would be delightful for her of course).  Off she went in the ambulance, got a checkover and some medication,  and was back in time for the last dance.

So of course she would have a medical issue at his wedding, and of course she would email me about it with pictures attached of her sitting on the wharf where she lives with my aunt and uncle having a lovely lunch and a drink not two days later. 

On my wedding day she asked me to pick up her dress from the cleaners and I did can you imagine?!  I have no recollection of this but my H insists it happened.

This is what Ns do, this is what she has always done and this is why I stay as far away as I can.  It's both funny and heartbreaking at the same time.

[Papa Coco]

Hey Kizzie,  sorry I didn't respond to this sooner. I have trouble finding recent posts on this forum. I need to dig deeper into how it works so I can catch posts more quickly than a month.

It was SO Narcissistic to make you pick up your mom's clothes at the cleaners on YOUR wedding day. AND for her to have a "medical emergency" so she gets all the attention at your B's wedding.

My narcissistic sister would have done the same things.

Narcissists suck.