Covert Ns

[dollyvee]

She would cozy up to my friends and become their friend and of course they would love her and say things like what a great Mom you have.

N's do not share, they take things, ideas. place, people, etc., away from you and make it theirs.   It takes something from you literally  and emotionally it takes something out out of you, it wounds you yet again. You can't have any special just for you or that you can share even.  It has to be theirs.

I'm so sorry about your orchids Dolly 

Thanks Kizzie, I appreciate that  I really felt when I wrote that yesterday how going through things like that makes you feel like you can't have anything, and maybe understand a bit better why I withdraw into my shell or maybe give things a pass in groups. I also think people are naturally competitive, so when you have that as your foundation you're also at a disadvantage.

Because of their behaviour, cosying up or acting like a victim (poor her etc), it gets glossed over and you end up looking irrational for getting angry, or in self doubt questioning yourself if it's you, and you're making it up. This is what happens with covert ns.

I feel like a big sticking point with my family and understanding what was going on, that it's not normal and not healthy, was that my gm told me all the time how much she loved me, how she would do anything for me. I looked up if narcissists can actually love and found "it appears the narcissist is incapable of love because they cover their vulnerabilities by withholding emotional intimacy." So, yes she would say those things but it was always a one way street or not sharing what was actually going on with her unless it was something to do with her health and then it was like you *had* to feel sorry for her, or take care of her. She wouldn't do anything to take care of her health. No exercise, eating right etc.  I was floored when I found out that my gm had been going to a psychologist and psychiatrist for years. I briefly talked to her about seeing a therapist once and she told me that they don't help really, you have to figure it out on your own (or something to that effect). Like why couldn't you say that you saw one? It's such a facade of relation. For a little kid though, and for a long time after, you believe that "love" though I think.

[Kizzie]

Sending you a warm hug if that's OK Dolly, you sound like you could use it.  And for that part of you that needs to hear it, I would admire your orchid's, and tell you what a great gardener you are and I would mean it and want you to feel proud of yourself. 

[dollyvee]

Aww thanks Kizzie, I felt that  I will try and bring a conscious effort of specialness back to my plants. I hope you have found some of your specialness back too 

I think it's rare to get to talk about these things outside of with t with people who "get it." Especially with covert ns because it's really so mind splitting to go through it.