Master of my Seas Journal

[Master of my sea]

Hey Papa Coco,

I have to say I smiled when I saw your name. I've read through some of your posts and journal and find what you have to say very soothing and insightful  And I take my hat off to you for how candid you can be in your posts 

I'm just amazed I have never seen the connection before. I suppose it was just part of life so I never considered the impact it has actually had on me. I'm hoping that now I have found a correlation I can maybe start to find a way to deal with it. I hope you find a way to find some peace on Sunday nights.

I can understand the not wanting to go back. I used to dread going home on a Friday when I was living with my sister. I missed my Mum but I knew the weekend was going to be stressful and full of arguments. Just walking back into the house, I could always feel the tension in the air. I was always ready to react at a moments notice.

Thank you. That means a lot to hear that. I was not always the best sister I could have been but nobody is perfect. Protecting and looking after those I love is something I have always done fiercely. Even if I never received the same in return.
I am lucky that I have pretty much always had a good relationship with my Mum. I am the youngest and saw all the things my siblings did, even down to just being normal, stressy teenagers. I think I understood from a very young age that my Mum was doing the very best she could. Being a single parent to 6 children was not an easy thing to do.
So when I saw her hurting in any way, it would infuriate me and really upset me. She didn't deserve that. I will always protect my Mum. Even as a young child, it went without question. That was just the way I was, especially with my Mum and still am.

My whole life I have been a dumping ground for other people's problems and I became the go to person for many to people. If something was wrong they could come to me and find support and advice if that was what they wanted. Or just someone to listen to them. I would hear all these stories from my friends and family and it would just enhance that feeling of 'Lay it all on me. Let me take the burden' and I became ever more protective. The closer you were to me the more fiercely I would defend you.

Thank you. He is cute (but I'm biased  ) he is also an absolute terror. He is the light of my life. He has done more for me than he will ever know. I just have to remind myself at times that he doesn't know and couldn't possibly understand why I don't want to be touched sometimes. And sometimes a cuddle from him is actually just what I need.

Sorry, I feel like I am rambling a bit. It's like the clarity has started to slip as I type.

I just want to thank you for your kind words before I sign off. I needed them today.

[Papa Coco]

Hi, Master of My Sea

Thank you for the kind words. I need them at times. I can only think of the bad things I've done in life. Throughout my every day, I must turn my eyes to the sky at least a dozen or more times, apologizing for something I just remembered I'd done decades ago. I live in regret all the time. My inner critic takes care of making sure I always remember my mistakes, but I need people to regularly remind me that I've got some good qualities also.

When I joined this group in September 2021, I was in bad shape.  I was worried that I was giving up on life, and with my history of going into active suicidality during long term depression, I knew my life depended on finding people who I could socialize with who I didn't have to explain myself to all the time. When it was time to come up with my online screen name, I decided to use my real-life nickname, Papa Coco, to remind me that my grandsons, their parents, and Gramma Coco herself NEED me to not become suicidal again. I literally did this for them. I take care of my mental health for them. They need what little family they have to be stable and helpful, not a suicidal basket case who feels alone on a crowded planet. Every time someone responds to my posts and says "hi Papa Coco" it is a daily reminder that i need to be on my game so my grandkids, kids and wife can all rest easy and know that Papa's okay and he's here to help when life gets hard for them.

And to your comment about raising your wonderful little "absolute terror", I know the feeling. Raising my kids was a tough job. I now refer to those years as "the most difficult and rewarding thing I've ever done." Heavy on the word difficult.

When I read your stories of how fiercely you'll fight for other people, it makes me think: I'm like that too. I won't fight for myself, but I will fight fiercely for someone else.  I know, Pete Walker taught us in his book that this is a common theme among Fawn Types with traumatic pasts.  In the olden days I thought I was the only freak alive who cared about other people more than about myself. I thought I was BORN a Fawn. Pete's book allowed me to learn how I was RAISED to be a Fawn.  But today, this morning, as I read and respond to your post, I am balancing the pendulum in the center, and I'm starting to believe that people like us, the Enneagram 6, Fawn Type personalities were born to be compassionate, caring, connected people, and then the treatment we received in our childhood homes, over-contributed to that personality type by making us Fawns to a fault. 

We are not just who we are because of the trauma: We're who we are because of our good DNA + our added on trauma.  To the old "nature versus nurture" argument, I have always said, "Both."  We are born to be something, then raised to be something, and for very few of us, those two somethings were the same. For most of us, we were born with a personality and interests, then raised to be what someone else wanted or needed us to be. So, in summary: I think we Fawns were born with compassionate hearts. Our traumatic pasts furthered our Fawning to unhealthy levels. This is something we can be proud of. Born good, then raised to be too good. My therapist often says this is the best-case scenario. He says it's a lot easier to help a Fawn type become better at holding boundaries, than it is to help an aggressive jerk become compassionate. So being too good for our own good is not bad. It's just something we need to learn how to add some boundaries to. I admire helpful people who can also hold boundaries. I always try to uphold the boundaries of others, but at the same time not uphold any boundaries of my own.

As a male, it's always been a struggle to be who I am without people laughing at me for being what my family called "too emotional for my own good," and what my workmates and peers called "Strung a little too tight." I don't follow sports. I don't hunt or fish or gamble or drink or play golf, so to many people that means I'm not a real man. So being kind and helpful has been a double-edged sword for me. Sometimes I'm proud of who I am, other times I'm ashamed of who I am.

Now I'm the one who is rambling.

[Master of my sea]

Hey Papa Coco,

You are not rambling at all. Once again, a beautifully worded post that has hit home in many ways.

I understand the living in regret and having your inner critic make sure you never forget your mistakes, no matter how small.
From everything I have seen, you are valued here and are important to the people you interact with. Your family are lucky to have you. As are we here on the forum.

Being a parent is challenging at the best of times, least of all when we are having to fight these monsters in our heads. But seeing my little one learn and grow into this amazing human make the bad days, the hard days, worth it.

You have really got me intrigued and I think I'm going to do more reading on Fawn types. So much of what you say resonates with me even though I have spent my life, portraying myself as this strong, formidable person who can deal with anything and anyone. I have always cared more about others than myself, always putting everyone before me without even thinking about it. I've always felt that others deserve the help and support more than I do. Me, I'll just figure it out for myself.

I wholeheartedly agree that it is both nature and nurture. I firmly believe that both play a huge role in who we become. I like what you said here,

Born good, then raised to be too good.

I suppose that's actually quite a nice way of putting it.

Boundaries are a huge problem for me. I will occasionally set them (once in a blue moon) but will never uphold them. I always feel so guilty when I do. Often causes a panic attack as I expect a negative reaction.

Unfortunately there is such a rigid view of what a man is in society and like you say, if you don't fit into those inflexible categories you are not 'a real man'. This is complete hogwash! I have come across many men who would consider themselves 'real men' but in reality they are not, they just hide behind a macho image. As we all here fully understand, being your authentic self isn't easy.
We have all learned through our own experiences, those that look down on you or belittle you just for being different to them are not the people you need to concern yourself with. These people have their own demons and are trying to project them outwards. Unfortunately we are sensitive to a lot of these things and peoples words can have a huge impact on us.
You have no need to feel ashamed of you are. You have survived more than many could even begin to comprehend, by that alone you are a strong person and should be proud of yourself and who you are.

[Master of my sea]

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I have done a lot of thinking recently, a lot of reflecting. I am a firm believer that we all have toxic traits, it's what we do about them that sets people apart. There are those that know they are toxic and do nothing about it because they are self-serving and use these traits to get what they want. Then there are those that know of their toxic traits and actively try to change them.
I have experienced many of the first type, leading me to where I am today. But I am also aware of my own toxicity at times and how this has come to play a role in my own journey. I am, and have been, addressing these and working to improve myself. At the same time, I am also trying to be gentle with myself, reminding myself that many of the things I do are ingrained survival tactics and instincts. I do these things to protect myself. They are not the healthiest of things but they have kept me alive up until now.

I am currently in a state where isolating feels safest and alone I can be in control of what happens around me. There are no, or very few outside influences. Only those linked with my child. I have pushed everyone away, including my partner. We split recently, which has had a huge impact on my emotional state. But I find myself thinking, 'did I push him away on purpose?' Did I do this subconsciously because right now, no one feels safe? There were things I was doing that wasn't helping the situation but it's almost like I couldn't stop. There were also things I was doing that I tried to explain were safety mechanisms and my brain was not recognising that this wasn't a past situation. If that makes any sense.
So I know this has played a huge role on the self-reflecting I have been doing. This wasn't one sided, unfortunately both of our mental health took a huge toll on our relationship.

But with this self-reflection has come many thoughts of the past. Some of the thoughts and images that have come up, are ones I have on a regular basis. Then there have been things that have almost blindsided me. These I have tried to write down in my journal as they come to me. I haven't done this before. I have always fought these kinds of thoughts and images, pushing them away as they are just too painful and traumatic. So as they are coming to me, if possible I am grabbing a pen and writing them in my daily journal. I have been writing them in different colours, this way when I am able to address them properly, I can easily find them.
It has been shocking to me, some of the things that have come to the front. I am looking at things in a way I have never done before. I am trying so hard to not minimise the impact of events have had on me. Far too often I think that my reaction to things in my life is inappropriate. I have been told for years that I catastrophise and make everything a big deal. But when I actually allow myself to sit and feel, and see for the first time, it becomes clear that more often than not, my reaction to big things was not big enough. I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up, or I only told half the story as nobody would believe the full one. Or if I did talk about something, the response I got would be weak and the topic quickly changed. My experiences were minimised by others and so I minimised them too.

I am seeing family members in a different light. I was very close to my oldest sister for years. We had a little foursome at one point, it would be the two of us and two friends and we did all sorts together. We had fun. But in more recent years our relationship changed. I started to see how she would always lecture me, and when she started studying psychology, it always felt like I was being analysed. So slowly stopped confiding in her like I used to. This was noticed and actually blamed on my partner. It was nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. But even now I don't think she would accept that.
I thought that I would miss her when I cut contact but I was surprised to find that I didn't. I found I wasn't worrying about what she might say about X, Y or Z. I didn't have that constant nagging though of 'what would she say if....'. Now for years my sister was a real pillar of our family, she was the smart one, the organised one. I know she has had a hard life and been through an awful lot and I feel for her. She has done an awful lot for me and helped me and supported me on many occasions. Unfortunately some of the ways she went about doing this has caused issues for me. I honestly don't think she will ever grasp that. I will just be seen as ungrateful, I will be told it didn't happen like that. Or that I just misunderstood, or was being a defiant teen. So many reasons why they can't be the one in the wrong.

One of the thoughts that has come to me recently, I had never considered before but it makes so much sense now...

I have always talked with my hands, it's a family trait. We all do it. But I am probably the one who does it the most. It used to really annoy my siblings because my hand gestures were big. On top of that I had a tendency to look down and talk quickly. I was always told off for this and told to stop doing it. Again, it really annoyed my siblings. But my oldest sister was the worst. She would always get so annoyed at me about it. She used to tell me that the way I talked with my hands made me seem aggressive and it made me hard to talk to. Then if I was muttering or talking fast, there were many times I was made to keep repeating myself until I said it slow enough and clear enough for her.
Now I'm starting to wonder if that is why I get really upset and frustrated when I get asked multiple times to repeat myself. Or told that I'm muttering or not making sense. I mean it really gets to me. I try really hard to not talk too fast and I am so self-conscious of my hand gestures. I make a conscious effort to keep them as small as possible, or I will do something with my hands, hold something for example whilst I'm talking, just to minimise the amount I move them around. I find myself apologising if I become too animated.
I have never really sat and thought about it before. It was just something when I was a kid. But no one ever realised, even now, that I talked so quickly because otherwise I wouldn't get a chance to talk. I would be passed over regularly or cut off when I was speaking, or just missed entirely. Often being told I was too young to join in the conversation or to understand. So to be heard and make sure I could say everything, I learned to talk fast.


I have lost my momentum now and feel really tired. I have so much running around in my head that I wanted to write about. But the clarity has gone. It's just a jumbled mess and I feel like I'm starting to not make sense. It's all just starting to bleed together now,

I have written enough for now and have at least addressed one thing, to some degree.
I'm going to go now and recover. I didn't expect to feel like this,

[Larry]

hope you have a nice day today 

[Master of my sea]

Thank you Larry

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Today has ended up going in a direction I didn't expect at all!
Such a simple, everyday thing, gets me all worked up and anxious. I had someone coming to service my boiler today. Very normal. Yet I have been preparing myself for it, for a couple of weeks now. Gradually building myself up to the idea that I was going to have to let a stranger into my home. I can't remember the last time I had someone that wasn't my Mum or my ex in here. I try and keep as much of the outside world as I can, outside.

I found myself speed cleaning this morning, zipping from one job to the next. I got a lot done. I call this my emotional cleaning. I was so restless and anxious that all I could do was clean. When I emotional clean, I am either really angry or really anxious. So today was an anxiety clean, that's fine, I end up finding it therapeutic and calming and everything gets cleaned. A total win.
What I also had coming was an online food shop. Again not an issue, I knew what time each were due and was sort of hoping  they would coincide so then all of that was done and I could go about my day. Hopefully less anxious.
I managed to keep myself at a level where I was definitely anxious but it was manageable and I could function properly. So, the gas man came, done his thing and he left. Great.

Now just to wait for my shopping.....which never came.

Transpired it had been cancelled about an hour and half before I found out. I had been tracking it the whole time and 10 minutes before it was due, that was when it changed to cancelled. They said I was not home, when at the time they were apparently there I was letting the gas man in. This is where it all started to go down hill and I entered the panic spiral. I had done an online shop because right now, I do not have it in me to make it into town and physically do my shopping. The very thought of being in a supermarket and there being so many people, ties my stomach in knots and makes my heart race.
The more I talked to this woman, the worse it got. All I could think about was how I was going to now have to go into town and how I needed the money back in my account so I could actually do the shopping again.

As I'm typing this, I feel ridiculous, it seems like nothing. But for me it wasn't. Even the fact that I had called them was a lot. I don't make calls. I email or text. Phone calls make me so nervous and worried. I then needed to phone the bank afterwards. So the spiral just kept going, the coils getting tighter and tighter.
I feel absolutely awful about that phone call. The poor woman, having this emotional, mess to deal with. I did manage to bring myself down enough to get the information I needed and end the call. I did apologise before I hung up.

So now not only do I feel crap now because I have had a panic attack, but I feel awful because that poor woman got the brunt of it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I had every right to be frustrated with the situation but I didn't expect to be triggered. To have a complete stranger not only be witness to that, but take the brunt of it is mortifying. I keep that to myself as much as I can. I hate family seeing/experiencing me like that, let alone anyone else.

I had other plans for what I wanted to write today but hey ho. This took over and I needed to get it out. I'm hoping that writing this will help. Maybe...

Maybe next time I should plan better. Not have something else going on when I need to let a stranger in. Especially, unfortunately, if it is likely that stranger will be a man. I was already stressed and anxious, all it took was one small hiccup and once I started spiralling, I spiralled fast.

This is probably a babbling mess, as although I have calmed down, I feel I'm not fully back in the room yet. It has taken me such a long time to type as I keep zoning out. All I want to do is sleep now. Just shut out the world for awhile and recharge. I'm always so tired after a panic attack. Wish that was an option.

Time for coffee I think.

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Sea,

What a day. I feel for you. I'm glad the gas man came and went and fixed your boiler. I'm a bit angry at your grocery delivery making an arbitrary decision to pretend you weren't home and cancel your delivery. Sounds to me like they've got a problem with incompetence.

As I learn about IFS, Internal Family System, which is the family of different parts that work together like a system in our heads, (i.e.; as was so eloquently introduced to many of us through Disney's Inside Out movie), I can feel one of my own inner protectors rising up to address your grocery delivery service. My inner protector feels the pain of your grocer refusing to deliver to you, making up a reason like "you weren't home" when clearly you were home. My inner protector seems to be so strong that he even wants to rise up when others are feeling pain, not just me.

I recently had a delivery go bad, and my Inner Protector made a jerk out of me when it got me to contact the delivery service and call them liars before I ever found out the reason my delivery was called "Complete" even though I didn't receive any packages. It was a case of mistaken address, same house number, different street, and it was fixed the next day, but not until after my Inner Protector got my anxiety up to the point where I called them liars.

So, my Inner Protector and I are also angry at your grocery deliverer, and we are hoping you are able to fix the relationship with them so this never happens again.

I wish I was more selfish than I am. I can't even watch the news because my Internal Family System gets agitated by bad things that happen to everyone, not just myself. It's a big burden to know that I'm responsible to fix the entire planet.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say "DANG! I'm angry at your deliverer also!" And that I hope, now that your boiler has been fixed, that you can settle in and feel a little less anxious for a while.

Big, safe, virtual hug: 

[Armee]

It  wasn't ridiculous or nothing. These reactions SUCK but they come from times of being unsafe. I have felt the same on phone calls especially insurance. You apologized and that was kind. The customer service rep is very used to upset customers but probably not used to being apologized to.

I'm sorry you had such a rough triggering day.  Sending a hug if that feels safe.

[Master of my sea]

Thank you Armee. They do suck. In so many ways. I know there was a point I really went off on a tangent but I don't really remember what I said. I used to have much better control of myself and it is hard to reconcile who I was with who I am. The more I delve into my own history the more emotional and reactive I become. There are so many layers and so many things that I am only just realising, so I know it's normal but it is hard.

Thank you Papa Coco.
I feel you are correct when it comes to incompetence unfortunately.

I was so overwhelmed with needing to explain that I WAS home, that no one came. I had to make them realise that I was telling them the truth. Also the unnecessary lie that was told stirred up a real anger in me. I have been lied to and about so often in my life that even little things like that now truly infuriate me.

I send my  thanks and appreciation to you and your Inner protector and I hope that him coming forward didn't cause you any distress.

I have seen IFS mentioned a few times on the forum recently and decided last night to do a little research. I didn't do much but what I have read has really caught my interest. I plan on doing some more reading as I think it could be really helpful.
I completely understand about the news. I'm so unaware of things by choice, I cannot cope with the flood of emotions and sensations when I watch or read the news. It always leaves me feeling so depressed and deflated.

Fortunately today was a better day. I think I took from todays energy supply, yesterday so I'm tired but it's been calmer. I was able to re-order my shopping as my refund was processed very quickly. I did leave delivery instructions asking that if I don't answer the door then to please call me. I am home, I just haven't heard the door. I hope it works. I have been stressing about it all day and I know I'm going to be restless mess in the morning until it arrives. Hopefully all goes as it should and I can go about my day.

Thank you again, Armee and Papa Coco for your kind words and virtual hugs. They are very much appreciated and once again I am so grateful this forum is here 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Master of my Sea,

I'm glad to hear yesterday was a better day than the one before it. I hope today is even better yet! 

I'm glad to hear you're getting your groceries issue resolved. I noticed you said that little things infuriate you more now than they used to. That might be a good thing. I have tried, so hard, to live on this planet as though it is a good place. But it's not a good place. It's both good and bad. And my inability to really fight for myself has been a problem for me, as I assume it has been for you too. The way I see it, as we are aging, and learning how the world really works, it's not inappropriate that we start to become more assertive or even at times aggressive, as we deal with the incompetence, meanness, foolishness, anger, and other unsavory actions of our co-inhabitants of this world. Arguing as you did with them on the phone may have been exactly what you needed to do to get them to hold up their end of the bargain with more competence.  You paid them. You upheld your end of the deal. They did NOT deliver, meaning this mess was 100% on them. So I say Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As far as your grocer goes, it would be to their advantage to do their job right the first time, because now they have to put together and deliver your order twice for one price. Having to do their job twice for the price of once is a high price to the business owner. They shouldn't be allowing incompetence to work for them.

I had never heard of IFS until just a few days ago. I followed Dolly Vee's suggestion to buy that book, Self-Therapy, by Jay Earley. Jay didn't invent IFS but he's written a book to help us learn how to process our IFS at home if we can't find or afford an IFS therapist. The book is an easy read, which I always appreciate. Nice sized font, easy, non-PhD wording for simpler people like me to read. It starts teaching me good stuff right from page one.  I would recommend the book for sure now too.

My wife is here for another week, and I have friends visiting for a few days next week too, so I'll be a little less active on the forum for a week. But for now I grab chances to sit down and interact on the forum where I can.

Here's another hug for you Master of my Sea! I'm glad you fought for your rights to get food delivered! And a hope for today to be a good day!

[Master of my sea]

Hey Papa Coco,

Fortunately everything went to plan today. As I haven't had much sleep and my small person decided that 5am was an appropriate time to wake up, I'm glad it did go well.

Unfortunately I have always been aware of how ugly this world can be, it's sad to say but it's true. I have always fought for others, especially if I could see them struggling and hurting. but as you say fighting for myself has always been an issue. Don't get me wrong, I have and will fight for myself, but never in the way I do for others. It's usually a half-hearted effort for me. I suppose actually standing up for myself, and really meaning it, is entirely new territory. I just wish I had a better handle on my reactions. I used to be cool and collected and know exactly what to say to get thigs done. I have always been the person people come to for support. Now I'm a hysterical, babbling mess.
The difference between me then and me now? I am, for the first time, actually acknowledging the things that have occurred in my life. Trying to recognise them and feel what I need to. That's the only difference I can think of. I was numb for so many years. Anything that happened to me I tried to brush off and move past. Some things I couldn't and some things I had an opportunity to stand up for myself and I did (these were rare.)

I am more emotional than I have ever been. I either feel nothing or everything completely. Right now I'm feeling everything and I'm trying to remember that my reactions to situations are a reflection of that.

I already have the book lined up ready to read once I am finished what I am currently reading 
It's taking me a lot longer to read than it ever has before. I was always an avid reader, often having multiple books on the go at once. I stopped reading for a lot of years, (for reasons I may go into in a different journal post), so trying to get back into the rhythm is hard. My concentration is lacking but I'm getting there  I have a long list that I want to get through so the motivation is there.

Sounds like you have a nice week ahead of you. I hope you enjoy yourself.

Thank you as always, for your kind words Papa Coco

[Master of my sea]

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I got myself something today, something that I have wanted for awhile. I bought a giant beanbag  One I can just sink into. it's made my day. It's been a long time since I have got myself something big like that. To finally get something I have thought about and wanted for awhile is just...nice. My hope is that it will help during high anxiety/emotional moments. I can sink into it, like a big hug 
As pleased as I am with my purchase I can't help but feel guilty for buying it. I always do when I get something for myself. It always feels, wrong on some level. I don't regret it but there is this guilt underneath, lurking. I suppose that's years of having people question when I got things for myself. Too many times have I heard 'should you really have got that? You should have got x, y or z? Don't you have better things to spend your money on?' Doesn't sound like much but when that and other things like it, are said to you almost every time you spend your own money, you start to feel guilty. Especially if what I bought was a bit more expensive. It always feels like I need to justify it. I did it on the phone to my Mum. I didn't need to, she was all for it and telling me 'good for me', yet I still found myself explaining to her why I was getting the beanbag 

I have been looking into therapists in my area recently. I am realising that I may get the help I need through the NHS but it will take an awfully long time and be ridiculously hard to get where I need to. I have tried looking into the mental health pathway for my area and according to what I could find, there isn't one. Which blows my mind in all honesty. It was a horrendous experience just getting to where I am today through the NHS and the very idea of having to deal with all of that again, it ties my stomach in knots and makes me cold.
If I go private then I lose the pushing from pillar to post and the short term therapy. Also this way I have control over who I speak to you. It is my decision. I feel much better about this option. I still feel the anxiety and fear of having to tell all to someone knew but at least this way, I will have chosen the person I am talking to. Hopefully that will ease some of that discomfort when the time comes.
I am going to take my time and do my research and of course cost comes into play. I am finding myself thinking about all sorts of things from throughout my life and it's bringing up all sorts of feelings and sensations. Feelings and sensations that are so often overwhelming and that I don't fully understand. I know I need help to unpick it all and regain control of my life. It's time to get the ball rolling.

I have been feeling more stable the last few days, more consistent in my moods than I have been for awhile. It seems to have given me a little nudge. A nudge to think about me and what I want and need to feel better. Some of that has materialised in things like my purchase today. I have woken up this morning with the determination to really look into my therapy. I already have contact information for some Ts I have found recently. Even just trying different things to help me sleep. I tried sleeping in a different room last night, sometimes that helps, the change of environment. It didn't this time so tonight I will change up routine in a different way. I'm hoping I'm starting on a bit of an upward trend, getting out the emotional spiral I have been in. I plan on taking full advantage of this and starting to get myself back on track.

Step by step and slow and steady. I just have to keep reminding myself that it took years of trauma and abuse to get me to where I am right now, so it is going to take a lot years to undo that damage.

[Papa Coco]

HI Master of my Sea,

Congratulations on the new purchase!  A bean bag chair is a big deal. I see them in the stores when I shop and secretly wish I had room for one in my living room.  I hope you love it for a long time.

Buyer's remorse used to be a huge problem for me too. Every time I spent any money on myself, I felt just like how you've described you're feeling today. I could spend my entire paycheck buying something nice for someone else, but if I spent any money at all on myself, I felt ashamed and remorseful. I guess the years of therapy have helped me get past that, because I'm finally able to buy myself nice things now without going into my own private * for having done so. And for me, it was very similar as for you, I have been laughed at, scoffed at, criticized and humiliated for making my own decisions.   I will say that even today, however, I don't like to choose a restaurant or vacation, or activity, or movie, or even a TV channel to watch if someone else is in the room. If I choose the restaurant, and someone I'm with doesn't like their meal, I feel one thousand percent responsible for making them unhappy.

In my family, I was always blamed for someone being unhappy if I was, in any way, involved in the decision that they didn't enjoy--Often even when I wasn't involved in their decision. Sometimes these were small things, but other times I was blamed for everything from my brother marrying the wrong girl when I was 11 years old, to my dad buying a pickup truck he ended up not liking when I was 14. How in the world were those things my fault? Well...I was an easy target.

The thing about being trained by our families to take the blame for their mistakes is that the better we get at taking the blame, the easier it is for them to give it to us. So, the problem gets worse over time. It got to the point where, as an adult, I couldn't even bring myself to buy my favorite foods at the grocery store because I couldn't bear the guilt of someone in the house not liking what I like.

Honestly, today, right now as we speak, I'm feeling a bond with my Inner Protector who is helping me to separate myself from my guilt. I can more clearly see that the feeling of shame is my Inner Protector trying to help me NOT make any choices that will get me blamed for someone else's loss. It's not realistic. We are all allowed to have things we want. It's a protector who remembers how badly I used to be punished, so he's giving me guilt to try and stop me from being blamed. I'm learning, slowly, how to talk to my Inner Protector now, and as I do, I'm disconnecting from the guilt.

I recognize that you're having a challenge in finding a good therapist. I'm glad you're planning to start the Self-Therapy book as soon as you're done with your current read. This book is proving to be very helpful to me, so in the meanwhile as you're researching a way to get a good therapist, this book should be a big help for you. In the first chapter, the author says that this book can be used with a good IFS therapist for those of us lucky enough to find one. But if we can't, then this book can also be used with peers, meaning two or three people can get together and go through the IFS process without a therapist. And if we can't find anyone to go through it with, it is also designed to help us alone. There are a few people on this forum currently working through IFS, perhaps we could dedicate a new thread specifically to the IFS process, and whomever is working through the process, or is interested in knowing more about it, could go to that thread and immerse themselves into the IFS process with us.

I'm entertaining houseguests today and enjoying the company of my wife for the rest of the week, so my time on the forum is limited for now, but maybe, when I get more time to focus on my postings, I can maybe start a thread just for those interested in IFS.  (Maybe there already is a thread that someone's started but I haven't joined it yet???  I'd better research that when I get a few minutes of quiet research time.)

Meanwhile, just one more comment: You mentioned that we can beat PTSD over time. I agree with you. If we use the tools that are available to us, and work through our issues, we can gain control over our trauma responses. I see PTSD as a condition that we beat by learning how to manage it. Like losing a limb, we can never go back in time and stop the damage before it was done to us, but we can learn ways to gain control over it and find our happiness even with these bad pasts we've each experienced.

I really hope you are able to love your bean bag chair. I have no doubt your little man there thinks it's pretty fun to play on. LOL.  Maybe you two can get lots of cuddle time and play time on it.

I gotta go. My guests are meeting us for breakfast in a few minutes.

[Master of my sea]

Hey Papa Coco,

I can't wait for it to arrive and just sink into it with a book and coffee. We are in my favourite season now too, I love Autumn and the cosy evenings, fluffy jumpers and warm drinks. I can't wait  It's nice to be looking forward to something too, no matter how simple.

I hate being asked to choose those things so I have a tendency to ask first so I don't have to. It's only recently, since the break down of my relationship, that I have started to even watch the things I like in the evenings. I would always prefer to let my partner watch programs he prefers or if I was choosing, I would pick something that I knew was more his taste. This was always my decision but it always felt more comfortable to do this (also I'm a horror fan and he was not ) The same with deciding on what we were doing, I always struggled. My Mum used to say to me, "She used to be indecisive but now she's not so sure" I've always loved this saying because it is so accurate. I still say it to myself. The only time that hasn't applied was when I was working, those decisions I could make a lot easier. I suppose it's different circumstances at work I was just doing my job and was often just passing instructions on. I would still get the gnawing in my stomach though. You could pretty much guarantee that someone would be unhappy.
Logically and rationally we know there is no reason to feel guilty about buying something for ourselves, or making a decision but that doesn't stop the feeling. When you have been conditioned that way, whether by family or peers, it's hard to shake,

I'm glad you are feeling the connection and bond with your Inner Protector and he is helping you find that separation. I appreciate how open you are being about your IFS work and the realisations you are having. It's good to see the progress you are making.
I really like the idea of a dedicated IFS thread, I think it could be really helpful. It does seem to be picking up traction on here and it would be nice to have a space to discuss it with others that are going through the process and learning as well.

No, you are right, we can never go back to before the trauma but we can find a way to move forward and be more than the traumatised versions of ourselves. Places like this forum are key to that I believe. Here we find kindred spirits and people who truly understand. This will always be a part of us but it doesn't have to define us.

Hope you enjoyed your breakfast and the company of your guests and hope you have a lovely rest of the week with your wife.

[Hope67]

Hi Master of My Seas,
I smiled when I read that you bought yourself a lovely large bean bag chair - I think I would love something like that - I hope you're enjoying it, and that those feelings of guilt you mentioned have disappeared, and that you're enjoying it.

I also love Autumn - such a colourful and cosy season. 

Just popped over to say hello, 

Hope