Master of my Seas Journal

[Master of my sea]

Hope - Thank you for your kind words and your belief. They mean a lot Hugs (even virtual ones) are starting to feel a bit safer now so thank you for that too,

Papa Coco - Your post made perfect sense to me
I did enjoy my time away and I think it really helped me to clear my head. The FBs lessened so that was a big help and just being away. Sitting on the beach the first night I watched a cruise ship, all lit up, as it travelled out and I felt some measure of peace. It just looked amazing against the night sky.
One thing I have noticed though is that when in company, I really mask my physical symptoms. I fight against everything I usually allow my body to do. By the time I am going to bed I am exhausted from it and then I start twitching and shaking in bed. So I need to work on that.

Your post means so much to me, it really does. I will admit I found it hard to read as I struggle to believe myself and deal with the guilt and the shame, I don't feel very deserving of such kindness, but I really appreciate all that is being extended to me.

I have so much I want to say but I can feel my concentration slipping and I'm zoning out a bit, so I'll leave it here for now.

Thank you so much for your kind words and compassion. They truly mean a lot

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Seas,

BIG hug.

[Master of my sea]

I came on here fully geared up to write but now I am here, the words are gone. It's hard to concentrate through the noise that is still going on in my head. Things have improved and are getting a bit better each day but I'm clearly not fully 'here' yet. So in the meantime, I just want to say another huge thank you for everyone's support, understanding and compassion. It has meant the world to me and I have kept you all close in my thoughts whilst I have been navigating this. Hopefully I will feeling more myself soon.
Until then I hope all of wonderful people are ok and I hope to be back on and posting more again soon.

Big Hugs 

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Seas,

Some days are just like this. Take a break. Take care of yourself. Enjoy some down-time.

[Master of my sea]

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Finally the fog is starting to clear and the noise in my head is starting to quiet down. Today is the first day that I have really started to feel a bit more 'here', a bit more myself. Today, my FBs have massively reduced. They are more like little flashes now and my physical symptoms are much improved. I am absolutely exhausted as sleep has been a real challenge for me over the past week but I almost feel more 'awake'. That's the only way I can think of to describe how I'm feeling. Everything is just less. I'm hoping my sleep will reflect that too. My NMs have been getting better, I am now getting at least a portion of the night where there are no NMs, but I struggle to stay asleep. I'm just hoping that this will improve even more tonight.

I ended up having company all week which I think was a good thing in the end. Having someone to talk to and distract me has been a huge help. I think I would have struggled a lot more had I been left to my own devices. We haven't really done anything but it has been nice to have someone else around and not have to fight feeling alone on top of everything else.
Unfortunately there are some cons to having that company. I have become SUPER aware of how much I mask when I am around other people. I fight all of my physical symptoms. I have been allowing myself to shiver and tremble and shake. I have allowed myself to randomly shudder and have my little head ticks. I bounce my leg and I fiddle with things. I cry and zone out and so much more, but when I'm around people I battle with myself and try and stop. I try and contain it all. What I have found this week is when I do that, I become totally exhausted, numb and when I go to bed, as I start to drift off, I start to twitch and shake and fidget. All the things I have stopped myself from doing come back up to the surface. It then takes me forever to fall asleep as I then have to lay there and shake my leg and wiggle my fingers and toes. It's like I have to allow it all to escape before I can even think about going to sleep. This is not a quick process at all. Some nights it has taken me hours to get to a point where I can be still enough to actually fall asleep.
I can't stop shaking my foot though. I have found in recent months that this really helps me, even on a regular night. But after this week I think I have figured out why. It's because of what I have just described. That constant shaking of my foot as I settle down to sleep, is a release for anything that has built up throughout the day.
I need to work on not masking. I need to find the balance between controlling my symptoms and hiding them and realise that there is difference between the two. I think I mask because if I didn't, one everyone would look at me like I'm cuckoo, two the people/person I am with would be really confused as I have hidden this stuff from everyone around me, my entire life and three, I feel like it would make others uncomfortable. I think this is the biggest reason. I have always tried to make everyone around me comfortable and happy. Me 'behaving' like that would make most uncomfortable, because they don't understand and it's not something they are used to seeing from me.
I did try a bit this week but every time, when I was asked if I was ok, I just said yes. Then I went back to masking I will probably need some help with this.

I am happy to have some time alone now though. I feel like I can now sit and really process what I have experienced this week. This is the first time I have truly allowed myself to feel and accept just how hard it is for me. Even if others don't get it.

I feel conflicted, I have a deep respect for the military and I AM proud of our soldiers, but I also have the deep fear and hatred of it, I know how just how ugly it can be and the types of people that are within its ranks. Nothing happened to me over Remembrance Weekend but having soldiers and the military thrown in your face everywhere you turn, when you do everything you can to avoid it, is massively triggering. It really messes with my sense of safety. These people were supposed to keep me safe. That's their job. One of them made a vow to love and respect me and then betrayed me in the most horrendous way. Because of them, I view every soldier with suspicion and I know that isn't fair, I know they aren't all like that. But I didn't think these two were and I was so wrong.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand but I think I am slowly starting to accept that I never will. How can I? My own mind cannot even begin to comprehend what happened to me. How could I ever begin to understand people who think that what they did was ok? Well they didn't think it was ok did they? Otherwise, it wouldn't have been drilled into me to keep quiet and not say anything to anyone.
I have so much to work through and process and I know it's going to be a long road. I do feel that this little acknowledgment of how this time of year affects me is a step forward. I haven't hidden it completely for once.

[milkandhoney11]

MOMS,
I am so glad to hear that your FBs have been getting less and that you are finding it a little bit easier to relax and calm the turmoil in your head.
I know how much incredible strength it takes to mask/ hide your own emotions and I think that it's admirable how much you are trying to protect others from these symptoms, ticks, etc. It shows how much of a kind, caring person you really are.
I just hope that you can find some person with whom you can totally be yourself with, someone who will accept you completely and will be there for you when you are struggling to stay in control of your emotions.
That said, I completely understand that you might be finding it hard to trust others (especially people in the military) after all that has happened. You have been betrayed and abused in the most terrible way and no one can ever expect you to understand or accept this.
It sounds to me like you are still overwhelmed by all the pain that you have suffered in this situation and that is totally okay, too. Take all the time you need to process this and, if you need help, you know that you can always contact me (or the other kind souls in this forum).
I do hope that it will get a bit easier to live with this and that you can finally find some peace, even if this may seem impossible right now.

Take care of yourself.
I hope you can get some good night's sleep

[Armee]

I think it's OK to feel the fear and distrust. It doesn't mean you don't honor the sacrifice soldiers make. You are triggered by them because they are a trigger and some have been a threat to your safety. You don't walk around screaming at all soldier's for being bad so I think it's OK to feel the way you do.

I'm sorry your husband and the other soldier did that to you. It's not OK and it's not understandable. The betrayal is harsh I can't imagine. I don't know if my own journal is too cryptic and scattered to know the details of what I've been talking about lately but I was set up by the grandfather of the kids I was nannying for for the summer, to be drugged and gangraped.  . That betrayal felt like the worst part of all when I finally stitched together those pieces and realized what had happened. And that relationship is just nothing in terms of betrayal compared to yours. It's probably not really to be understood or understandable how someone can do that. It's just sick. It's not you or your fault. They are sick.

I hope your sleep continues to improve and the flashbacks and nightmares keep quieting down.

[Master of my sea]

Milk and Honey - It does take a lot to mask and it helps explain why I seem to have spent my life in perpetual exhaustion. Old habits are hard to break. The problem with protecting others from my symptoms is I end up doing a disservice to myself. I stop paying attention to my needs and can make things worse. Also I will never know if I am surrounding myself with the right people if I don't show them what I go through. How can you know someone will be supportive if you don't give them a chance to be? I battle with this all the time because to be able to show that side of me, I need to be able to trust you, but I don't trust anybody. It's a vicious cycle.
I agree, I am still overwhelmed by it all. It's something I think about often but also something I try desperately not to think about. It still has such an impact on my daily life and how I interact with people. I also have no one I can talk to about it, people find it too upsetting. I can understand that but it also leaves me with no one to turn to when I am triggered. I'm so glad I have been able to find this forum and find a community of people who can understand that these events that occurred in our lives are still very much 'happening' for us. Here I have found somewhere safe where I don't have to explain or justify or even try to convince anyone. I can just come and talk and even if no one replies I have still been seen and heard by someone.

Thank you for the kind words and support. They mean so much.

Armee - Thank you! For understanding the conflict I feel when it comes to soldiers. There are people in my life that don't seem to grasp that I feel both of these things simultaneously. I struggle with it myself but it seems to be a hard thing for some people to grasp that you can fear something but also hold respect for it too.
The betrayal is crushing. I know after reading your journal that you can understand that. I constantly question myself as to what I could have possibly done to warrant a such a brutal betrayal. I am not perfect in any way shape or form and I am so HYPER aware of my own flaws, but I just can't understand what reason they could have. To do that to someone you are supposed to love, to someone who considers you a good and trusted friend. It cripples me. I had very little faith or trust in people before this, but they completely destroyed my faith in the goodness of people for quite some time. It just cemented in my mind that I had no value to people. Other than what they can take. I still battle with this. I am always thinking of what the next betrayal could be now.
Then comes the fact that I feel this deep sense of betrayal all the time alongside the constant doubt of, Did that even really happen? Have i created something out of nothing?

Betrayal is betrayal, no matter who does it. What happened to you was horrendous and wrong and he had zero right to set you up and have you go through what you did. And I am going to ditto what you said to me right back at you, It's just sick. It's not you or your fault. They are sick.

Thank you for your support as I navigate this. It is horrible that we have had to experience these things but I am taking some comfort in the knowledge that I am no longer alone. That even though it may be virtual, there is a community here that understands and accepts me and all my dark history.

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry people in your life don't understand. That's exhausting. And the masking is exhausting. Thank you for the empathy and compassion back to me here in your own journal.

You already know it doesn't make sense how they could do that to you and there's nothing to figure out because you didn't do anything to deserve or invite this. This isn't something you personally could have controlled by being different in any way because it didn't happen because of something being wrong with you. It happened because they were sick predators.

But I understand. I'm also constantly asking myself "why did they do this to me?" "Why would they do this to me?" "Why didn't I see it coming?" "How could I have been so stupid?" Seeing someone else go through the same it's easier to see that there aren't answers to those questions.

Ufortunately, the reason we are here on this forum and not another is because this is one trauma on top of a lifetime of chronic trauma at the hands of others who should have protected us. And so the PTSD symptoms after the new trauma...well they tend to reconfirm what we already have told ourselves. My fault, can't trust, etc. Wicked stuff.

The doubt is wicked too. It's possibly the worst part and it prolongs healing. But it's worse than that it is a torture in and of itself. I can see clearly 100% what happened to you is 100% true. You are not making this up. It happened. It should not have but it did.

It feels like when I have that doubt it shoves me further back into the deep dark scary forest. Next time I do that to myself I'm going to try imagining I am instead doing that to you. I won't be able to do that to someone else. The thought just breaks my heart. I'll scream in my head "no! What are you doing? Why would you hurt her more?"

I'm sorry you went through this but I'm grateful you are here right now sharing this with us because it helps me in my healing too.

[Master of my sea]

Thank you for the hug 

It can be really frustrating and really lonely sometimes when the very few people in my life, don't understand. I think some of it is from a very black and white way of thinking at times and some of it comes from the difficulty I have in finding the words to describe something, that I have no words for. How do you describe something that you honestly don't know how to explain? Also some of the questions and arguments that have occurred due to all of this and all the other stuff that happened at the time, have made me quite closed off. I don't trust that I am not going to be judged or questioned. There are so many questions I don't have answers to as I literally have no memory.
There are other times (with the second person) where I have no memory of anything and we were the last two there. This is after the initial incident. I have been asked relentlessly about those nights and have been accused of lying, purely because I have no memory and that is apparently 'convenient' for me. The lack of memory is sometimes more distressing in ways, than events that I do remember. Not knowing what may have happened to me is soul destroying.

But I understand. I'm also constantly asking myself "why did they do this to me?" "Why would they do this to me?" "Why didn't I see it coming?" "How could I have been so stupid?" Seeing someone else go through the same it's easier to see that there aren't answers to those questions.

It's always the why and how questions isn't it? They plague my mind. But I agree with you, seeing someone else battle the same way I do, just helps to cement that there isn't an answer. Nothing that could ever be justifiable anyway.

It feels like when I have that doubt it shoves me further back into the deep dark scary forest. Next time I do that to myself I'm going to try imagining I am instead doing that to you. I won't be able to do that to someone else. The thought just breaks my heart. I'll scream in my head "no! What are you doing? Why would you hurt her more?"
I may have to pinch this, if that's ok?
When the doubt creeps in, I always feel like I've been locked in a dark room and all the doubt just screams at me. That's all that's in there. I couldn't imagine shutting that door on someone else!

I'm sorry that we have this horrendous thing in common, but it really helps me to see someone who truly gets it. Who understands the torture of it. I have read your journal and have taken inspiration from how far you have come. I don't feel so alone in my lack of visual memory with the event. I'm not crazy and it does happen.

[milkandhoney11]

Master of My Sea,
I completely resonate with everything you said and I am thinking of you in these difficult times.
It is so incredibly hard to keep trying to hide all your feelings and I agree that it is a disservice to ourselves but I also understand how difficult it is to trust people after everything that has happened in your life.
So far, I have always tried to bear all my pain and hurt on my own because I didn't want to be a burden. There were only very few times when I was brave enough to try and connect with people and tell them about my struggles but it never ended well. Either people didn't want to deal with all this darkness or they offered some kind of heartless, robotic empathy for a day before slowly and gradually distancing themselves from me. Some also tried to belittle what I was going through and said I was  just trying to get attention.
So, I understand how much it hurts to not be able to trust anyone and I see why it would be hard for you to open yourself to others.
I just want to say that I also believe you 100%. From what you have said and the way you have told your story it is very clear to me that the trauma you experienced was real. And I am always here if you ever want to talk about this at any time.

I would never turn away from you when you are struggling and looking for help because I know what it feels like to desperately long for someone to listen and care but to find yourself completely abandoned. And I would never want you to experience that, so yes: if you ever feel the need to talk and share than I am here for you (and I'm sure the same is true for a lot of people on here).

Take care and be gentle to yourself. You have been through a lot but you're still standing, still breathing, still fighting, still here. And that's what matters

[Master of my sea]

M&H - I think that is a trait common amongst most of us here. We try and deal with our trauma by ourselves, not wanting to be a burden. But this comes from the fact that most of the time, we have been made to feel this way whenever we have tried to reach out. So we learn to keep it to ourselves and try to deal with it alone, but ultimately, we all reach a point where we cannot do that anymore. The load just becomes too much to bear and we often find ourselves alone and isolated, with no port in the storm.

A lot of we have been through is too distressing for others to hear. I often think this is because we often endured the 'taboo' abuses. The ones that people don't want to acknowledge.

Your kindness and support means a lot, so thank you. I have felt so alone for so long, always different from everyone else. It's good to find a place where I am not weird, or too sensitive etc. Somewhere that I am finally understood.
Being gentle with myself is something I am still learning to do, but for once I am really trying.

[Master of my sea]

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After this last week I think I have come to a few realisations. Or at least have got a few new ideas.
My anxiety levels have been way up as I have navigated this EF and there have been some really tough moments where I have struggled to keep control of myself. I had in it my head that I had avoided any PAs but when I have looked back through my personal journal and seen some of my entries, I don't think that is the case. I saw a couple of points, that reading it back, were most definitely PAs. They just presented differently to normal. But I did also notice in those entries, that I was able to manage them pretty well. I was able to calm and ground myself before they got too bad, which is another reason why I don't think I recognised them for what they were. Usually when I have a PA, it's VERY clear that that is what is happening and I really struggle to come back to ground on my own. I usually need someone to help me recognise that I'm ok and I'm safe. But not with these.
This gives me a little joy, a little hope that maybe some progress is being made. Maybe I have taken more steps forward than I realised.
Another thing I have noticed, is my usual anxiety level. My baseline. I use my C-PTSD journal and there is an anxiety tracker in it. It's a scale of 1-10. 1 being calm and no anxiety and 10 being PA. Over the last week or so I have been sitting somewhere between 7-10 but I have noticed it coming down over the last few days. I am now sitting between 5-8. This is good, this is more manageable. But seeing how high it has been got me intrigued and I looked back over the 3 weeks prior and noticed that I consistently sit at a 5 on the scale. If it is a good day, a 'normal' day, it will stay at a 5, sometimes it jumps up due to a trigger or just a bad day but, at least in the last month, it has never dropped below a 5. So, this has given me a goal. I want to try and drop my baseline down to a 4. I am not going to rush this, it isn't a race, but it is something to work towards and gives me a focus. That's got to be a good thing right?

The other thing I have really noticed I have already mentioned in a previous post. I mask...a lot! I knew I did, I always have but I have really noticed just how much. So now I have noticed, how do I change it? I have no clue I tried a few times this past week but that didn't really work. I just said, 'I'm fine' when it was noticed. I also found that I was actively stopping myself, like mid shiver, I would notice and immediately my whole body would tense up and the shiver would stop. Then it would feel like someone had poured ice water down my back. It's so exhausting to fight these physical symptoms on top of dealing with all the emotions and everything else that has come along with this but I just don't know how to stop myself from doing it.
I wonder if it's because it will show an incredibly vulnerable part of me. A part of me that I am so desperate to protect.
My last T used to use Russian dolls to describe the different 'layers' of me and how the smallest doll, is my most vulnerable part and all the other dolls are built up around it to protect the tiny one in the middle. The top layer is the strongest, the biggest and to get down to the next part, there has to be trust. Now this is my issue, I have given people access to the most vulnerable part of me, that tiny little doll, at different times in my life and all that happened was I was mistreated. I now don't know how to build that trust with someone because I keep everyone at distance. No one feels safe enough to allow them to see this part of me, I know there will be judgement and questions. Some of those questions I don't have answers to and not having the answer causes me so much stress and anxiety. Not having the answer to questions has always been an issue, people get upset with you when you don't know the things they think you should.

I just really don't know how to stop myself from masking and allowing the people in my life to truly see the effect that my C-PTSD has on me, on a daily basis and when it is bad. Ultimately I know that this is what I need to do, but knowing it and actually being able to do it, are not the same.
I need to keep reminding myself that these things are going to take time.

[milkandhoney11]

Master of my sea,
I am so glad to hear that your anxiety levels have been getting down and that you have found your PAs a little less strong. It makes me feel very happy for you and also helps me to believe that recovery is possible, at least to some extent. I fully believe that you can make it down to a consistent 4 on your scale - you are so strong and you are working so hard to heal and process everything that happened in your past. It's not always easy to keep up the faith but seeing how brave you are and how courageously you tackle all that life throws at you, inspires me to keep going and not give up.
I wished I could give you any advice about the masking but I'm afraid I come up empty handed. I understand how debilitating and exhausting it is to have to hide your true feelings all the time, but just like you I have always been mistreated whenever I tried to let other people see what I was struggling with.
At least, I have so far. Being on this forum and talking to people who understand what it's like to live with all this terrible emotional baggage, feels very soothing and I think that it is helping me to slowly and gradually trust other people more. It's a difficult journey with a lot of setbacks that leave me reeling sometimes, but I hope that this connection will help. when writing on here I can be my authentic self and I hope that this will help me learn how to hide myself less and expand my authenticity a little bit further into the outside world.
I'm not sure whether I will every feel fully safe and comfortable when being around other people, but I do hope that it is possible and I wish very much that you will be able to find a way to achieve this. You deserve to be true to yourself and to be seen the way you are, so don't stop believing in yourself.
I can only imagine how hard this must be when you are missing so many answers but I'm confident that you can make it and I feel like your sinking anxiety levels are proof that you are making steps in the right direction.
Take care

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Sea,

I hear some very positive things in your post. Healing is something that can feel heavy and painful while it's happening, but regardless of the discomfort, healing is still healing.

I homed in on two things:

First, How the shivers and shakes turn to ice water on your back when you stifle them. I have often described that feeling as if my body and environment can be so warm that I'm sweating from the heat, but my heart feels like someone has put it into the freezer and I'm shivering cold while sweating from the heat.  That has been explained to me by my therapist as a good sign that my body is working through the trauma. Shivering and a cold heart or back, are signs that the body is prioritizing and sending adrenaline to protect us. It's our fight/flight response in its highest volume setting.  How our bodies respond to trauma is meant to protect and save us. The trauma was what was done to hurt us, the shivering is our body working to protect us from that trauma. It's a trauma response. Not the trauma itself. The shivering, as bad as it feels, is actually a sign that the body and brain are acknowledging the trauma, the way a fire crew answers an alarm. Since the trauma is years past, the fire department may be answering a false alarm, but they don't know that. They're doing their job...answering an alarm.

The second thing that struck me was your concerns about how much you mask and how you wish you could stop doing it. But, remember, healing needs to take its time. If we heal too quickly, we'll re-traumatize ourselves. I had 6 Cognitive Behavioral Therapists (CBTs) before I finally found a good Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT). All 6 of the CBTs rushed me through the healing process, leaving me feeling great...for about a year. But each time my trauma finally resurfaced it was even worse, because I had proof that "even therapy couldn't help me." My current DBT therapist takes things very slowly and my healing is happening slowly, but more effectively. I'm a thousand times better today than I was 10 years ago. I measure my success in years, not in days. Every year I can see that I'm a bit more in control of my life now than I was on this day last year.

You said you wish you could stop masking but look at your posts. A few weeks ago, you joined this forum, and each week I can see that you are becoming more open, less masking, more courageous with what you say to us. What I'm saying is, You ARE chipping away at your masking right now. I learned how to drive by maneuvering orange cones in a parking lot before my teacher put me on the real road. By the time I was ready for the road, I knew how it felt to control the car. I think that's what you are doing now, you're becoming more and more able to disclose your true self in a safe environment of this forum. I see noticable progress in you from when you first joined.

I personally think you're doing great. I hope you keep pushing forward. As you peel away the onion layers, or open up the Russian Dolls, you can't open the deeper ones until after you've opened AND acclimated to the outer ones.  I suppose that a good lesson for all of us here on this forum is that it's best to focus on the layer we're at now, and deal with the future layers when we get to them.

Keep up the good work. Another thing my DBT says is that as I heal, my healing spreads to others. The fact that you are sharing your healing journey with us, is helping you AND it's helping us. We all learn as we teach and teach as we learn.  I'm inspired by yours and several others on this forum.

So, thank you for working through this with us. Your success pulls on our success.