Master of my Seas Journal

[Master of my sea]

Yeah, I have heard of that. I've read about it before, there is a guy in the UK who tastes something different at each station on the Underground. Never made the connection with myself though. Always just looked at it as a random 'me' thing. I have never spoken to anyone else that has experienced it either. Thanks Armee You know so much stuff, it's awesome

[Master of my sea]

Just a heads up, this is probably going to be quite a long post. I am posting here, something that came to me last night after a couple days of dissociation. This may be triggering for some. I have put a TW.
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TW - DV, Physical Violence, Choking, Threat to life

My three oldest siblings have always reminded us younger ones that we didn't have to live with our abusive Dad, therefore our lives were easier. I understand that what they experienced as young children was horrible and traumatic for them, but they forget what we experienced at the hands of our brother. What I had to grow up with from all of them. I think there is another story there with one of my sisters and my Dad but I don't know for sure. But life was hard and dysfunctional and a mess by the time I was born. My Mum did her very best and she always provided but she had her own demons and five other kids. Three of which were far more demanding than the rest and two of those were absolute horror shows. By the time I needed her the most, she was exhausted and being constantly abused by my nasty and manipulative sister and my violent brother. She also drank quite a bit when I was younger.
I believe she was drunk when I was told that when she was pregnant with me, my Dad tried choking her to * on the kitchen floor of our old house... I can't remember how we got to that place in our conversation. I know we were talking about Dad and I was asking questions. She always tried to be honest and upfront about her relationship with him. Good and bad. I don't remember anything else about our conversation, nothing except that information and where we were sat in our house at the time.
I was really young, still in primary school. Maybe 9 or 10, I'm not entirely sure. I honestly believe had she not had a little too much to drink, she wouldn't have told me then and she couldn't have possibly realised the turmoil it would cause me throughout my life. She only ever tried to show us and let us know she loved us. She tried so hard to keep us together and strong. I know she never meant any harm. I still found out from the best person. I honestly believe had Mum not told me, I would have found out in a nasty and spiteful way from one of my siblings. Probably from my manipulative sister and/or violent brother. So it wasn't great, I was only little and Mum had been drinking but at least it came from a place of love. She made it clear it was nothing to do with me and I believed her then and I still do now. It was ALL him. But that never stopped me from feeling deeply hurt. Before I even entered this world, I was irrelevant and unimportant to someone who was supposed to love and protect me. In his anger, he sat on my Mums tummy, so in a way, me and he choked her. To the point where she thought, This is it. This is where I *. The kids are asleep in bed. What's going to happen to them?
She told me how her vision went black and she was seeing stars. Then he stopped. She doesn't know why, to this day, she never found out why. He just stopped, got up and walked away. She just laid on the floor for a while. I don't know how far along she was with me, I may have known once but I have no memory of asking or of being told. Thinking about it, I also don't know if she ever went and got us both checked over. Probably not but not because she didn't care. Most victims of DV don't seek medical attention unless they absolutely have to. He would have known she's gone to the Dr's, she would have also probably had to take my brother with her too. That complicates things as well.

I believe this event, or my knowledge of this event has played a large role in my sense that I don't belong. That I shouldn't be here, I'm not loved and not wanted. My own father, had zero regard for my life and I wasn't even born yet. I hadn't even had a chance to do anything wrong, not even taken a breath! All he had was his anger at my poor Mum, for whatever slight he seemed to think she had done. He was a nasty man. I didn't matter to him. Not in that moment.
There are pictures of the two of us and he is all smiles and seems so happy. I find them hard to look at these days. The older I get, the harder it has become. I think because it has been there, chipping away for so long. The hurt hasn't improved, it's only gotten worse.
How can he hold me as a baby and smile, knowing that, because of him and his actions, I might not have been there. That those pictures wouldn't have been possible because he wanted to hurt my Mum and I was very much a part of her at time. It confuses me, it makes me angry and it makes me sad. Did I not matter to him? Did I not exist in his eyes at the moment? But it also shows me his evil. He very nearly took two lives that night. From what I know of him, it was most likely self-preservation that made him stop. Nothing else. Saving his own hide.

So no, I didn't have to live with him but I do have to forever live with the knowledge that in trying to kill my Mum, he also tried to kill me. That really messes with a person. Especially a child who couldn't possibly understand why. I'm almost 30 years old and I still don't understand it!
It has really messed with my sense of self and belonging. It has left me with a perpetual feeling of being unloved and unwanted, even when I know that isn't true. Doesn't stop the feeling though. Couple that with growing up being told by my siblings that I was adopted, I have always felt like an outsider, even within my own family. I know for some, that is a playful joke between siblings but for me, it just compounded what I was already feeling. I have never told anyone how all this really made me feel. I would have just been told not to be silly, they were only joking, stop making a fuss or big deal about it. Probably still would say all of that. I can just imagine if I said how knowing what Dad did to Mum has had a huge and horrible impact on me.
How could I possibly be do deeply affected by something, that had I not been told, would have never known about? Don't be silly or you're exaggerating. All of that fun stuff. I would just be invalidated which in turn would make those feelings worse. So I have never told a soul (until now) how that has impacted me and my life. I do not remember this man, but he left a wound on my soul that is yet to heal.

There is another thing that I did witness and go through due to him. Again, I do not remember it but I have been told about it. It makes my blood boil, makes me sad and fills me with guilt. This must have had some effect on my developing brain.
I wasn't even two years old and I witnessed my Dad beat my Mum. They were separated by this time. I think their divorce may have even been finalised, I'm not sure on that point.
She had some friends over, she was doing something for one of them and my Dad turned up. I think they argued which then turned violent. I don't remember if her friends were still there or if they had left but my Dad beat my Mum up, pretty badly. All the while I was sat in my highchair, watching this all unfold in front of me. it kills me whenever I hear this story (which thankfully isn't often) my poor Mum, she didn't deserve how he treated her. She had left him but at that point had still not escaped him. But I also feel for me, for that little baby that must have been so scared and confused. It makes me angry that my Mum had to deal with this man for as long as she did, that she had to suffer so much. It makes me angry that once again, due to his lack of self-control and his evil, he harmed my Mum and me. I may not have been in her belly this time but he hurt her in front of me. He once again had no regard for his child and the harm he was causing. There is no way seeing that didn't have an impact on my developing brain.
Then there is the guilt I deal with. I was told that afterwards, when Mum was scrubbing the carpet, trying to clean up, I was still in my highchair. Apparently it was at this moment I decided to say, 'Daddy'. My Mums automatic response was '* Daddy!' I know I was just a baby and it's actually, probably quite logical that I said that considering what I saw, but I always feel so guilty about it. That would have been the last she wanted to hear. He had hurt her pretty badly and there she was, cleaning up the aftermath and I'm sat there saying, 'Daddy'. Makes me feel horrible. I have actually said sorry for this. My Mum told me I was a doughnut. She said thank you but told me I had nothing to apologise for, I was just a baby. But I have always held onto that guilt. My poor Mum.

So, let's take it right back to the beginning. My oldest siblings who spent time living with this man and had to deal with him have always said we younger ones were lucky as we didn't have to. We had it easier. Well, we didn't. In some respects, yes, life would have been totally different had he been a part of it. But it wasn't easier for us. It certainly wasn't for me. I was traumatised by him, it just came at different point and in a different format. I also had to deal with the ripples he left behind. Then there was my violent brother, who unfortunately, was just like him for a very long time. I bear the scars of his abuse. I didn't live with Dad but he did his damage to me in other ways.

This was made clear when he moved in two doors away! I remember the gut-wrenching fear. What was going to happen? Was Mum safe? Was he going to hurt her?
I vividly remember not wanting to go to school and leave her at home alone on her day off. The first day like that, when he first moved in, I was at the bus stop waiting for the bus to school and a police car came racing past, blues and twos going. My stomach dropped as it went down the road I had just walked up, I willed them not to turn right and when they did, I felt sick. That was the way home! My panicked brain immediately thought Mum was in danger or hurt and we needed to go home. Had to go home! I remember turning and looking at my brother and just saying 'Mum'. He looked at me like I had two heads! I said, 'Dad' and then the penny dropped. He just laughed it off, said she was fine and I was being stupid. Then the bus came and he made me get on first. I was a mess all day worrying about my Mum. I couldn't focus and I was really quiet. When home time came, I couldn't get back fast enough. I hugged my Mum so tight and burst into tears when I saw her. She asked what was wrong, I told her and she laughed (not maliciously at all) and told me not to be silly, nothing was going to happen. She was right but I do feel like my feelings, my genuine and real concerns were never addressed. Just brushed off. He had already shown that separation didn't bother him or stop him doing harm to Mum. Now he had found us, what was stopping him? But I just needed to stop being silly. My Mum had the best of intentions but ultimately my fears were invalidated. Unfortunately this was often the case.
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I lost all concentration here and just disappeared off for a while. I think my Protector jumped back in, I was starting to feel overwhelmed. A lot had come up, I felt exhausted and my hand was so sore from writing so much. I spent some time grounding myself and trying to loosen my shoulders and neck. Sleep took a while to come to me last night and it was very broken but I feel less disconnected and zoned out today.
I managed to go out and even baked a cake That would not have been possible yesterday or the day before.

Now that I have written this down, I hope to be able to focus on it better and start to process those feelings and work through them. I don't know what that looks like but at least it's not trapped in my head anymore.

I haven't read this back over, so I hope it makes sense and I haven't made too many typos

[Armee]

It all made sense, what you wrote. The actual things that happened, no those don't make sense at all and there's no sense to be made of them, really. There are violent men out there who do not even have regard for their own childrens' lives. It makes no sense but it happens.

That was a lot to live through. And I can only imagine what little toddler you was trying to express when you said "daddy" all those confused and scared feelings you would have had but the only word you were old enough to say was daddy. That breaks my heart but what breaks it more is reading that you have felt guilt for stating that word. There was nothing else you could have said. I'm sorry. I want to give you a big hug. I also I know I have lots of distortions of my own and we with cPTSD take outsized responsibility for the harms others have done. But when you write that in a way you choked your mom too, since your dad sat on her tummy? Um. No, you can't carry that guilt. You did nothing but exist as a fetus there. I know you know that but also you wrote that so somewhere in you that belief is carried and it isn't yours to carry. You can carry the hurt and anger but not the guilt. ("In a way me and he choked her"). I'm sorry your father was violent, cruel, and selfish. Mine too. It's tough to wrap your head around being half of that person, I know.

And boy do I relate to how you felt getting on that bus and being terrified all day. That s how I felt too when I'd have to go to school. I was so scared all day that either I'd come home and find my mom dead (suicide) or I'd get called into the office to get the news. It's a terrible feeling. I don't know about you but I could never concentrate in school. I could only sleep. I was also awake much of the night listening.

You're doing good, connecting with your story, and telling it when you can. I find it interesting to notice where the dissociation pulls me away...what I am getting to. You were starting to write..."my fears were invalidated. Unfortunately this was often the case"

[milkandhoney11]

Master of my Sea,
I am so incredibly sorry about all the terrible incidents you have described. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful this must have been for you (and still be today).
To me, it certainly sounds that you suffered just as much or maybe even more from the hands of your father. He may not always have been near you and the abuse might have been a little more indirect, but even though your wounds are of a different kind, they definitely are very real. All the violence and fear you have had to deal with in your childhood must have caused unbearable trauma but to me your father's awful neglect seems to weigh even more. You said:" Before I even entered this world, I was irrelevant and unimportant to someone who was supposed to love and protect me" and it just breaks my heart to hear this. To be completely neglected and disregarded in this way is terribly painful and I am feeling for you.
I know that my own story of neglect does not compare to yours, but I too have been abandoned by the vast majority of my family members who never wanted anything to do with me (and didn't mind making this clear to me). There has not been any actual violence involved and I am fortunate that there have never been any real physical threats to my (or my mum's life), but I can understand how this kind of neglect and abandonment can truly crush your soul.
And when we are that young and our survival depends on our parents' care, this is even harder to bear. Children at that age cannot make sense of events like that and they cannot afford to believe that their parents are failing them, so they invariably start to take on all the guilt and blame themselves for what happened. I am really, really sorry that this has been your experience and that you are suffering from guilty feelings because of all the things that happened to you, but the guilt certainly is not yours to own. In my opinion it is just a kind of protection that young children use when they are being abused but need to hold on to the belief that their parents are inherently good people who will take care of them and feed them.
I wished I could make all of this easier for you, processing all these memories must have been very, very hard but I hope that it will also bring you a tiny bit of relief and clarity.
You are so strong and the way you deal with this is truly inspiring.
Take care of yourself

[Papa Coco]

Master of my Sea,

Thank you for sharing yourself with us with such real feeling. You not only wrote out the events of abuse, but you eloquently shared how these events felt to you, and how you processed them as they were happening and how you feel today. I'm so sorry it happened to you, but also so proud of, and impressed by you for not giving in and just becoming "the next generation bully". The guilt is something I, and many of us here, know too well. I often think that as children we are as old as we've ever been, so we take on the responsibility of the world around us as if we are full grown adults. But we're not. We're children who deserve to be cared for and protected by our parents and older siblings. I'm so sorry that your siblings took a different path than you did and chose to further the abuse. For the most part, those of us who joined this forum, are the victims who internalized what we went through, while our siblings, or other victims, decided to go the other way, associate with the abuser, and become the next generation abuser. We often suffer at the hands of our own internalized shame and decimated self-esteem, but it took great strength for you to do that, rather than give in and become the next-gen bully.

You have so much to process. What you've written here truly captures the intensity of your experience in that family. I hear you saying that on a cognitive level you have a pretty good handle on where the blame really rests, and you seem to have a strong handle on the roles your dad, mum, and siblings had, beginning from before you were even born.

But cognitive knowledge of actual facts don't always match up to how we have internalized it all. Our hearts see life differently than do our heads. Your beautiful heart is hurting, even though your intelligent head can see the truth about how this was not you...this was their flaws.

When you wrote about how your siblings fueled the flame by repeatedly telling you that you were adopted and didn't really belong, you then wrote, "I have never told anyone how all this really made me feel. I would have just been told not to be silly, they were only joking, stop making a fuss or big deal about it."  That's where the fracturing really gets its grip on you. That's the gaslighting that really tears the fabric and leaves you feeling alone and unable to ask for help. Being able to tell us this and have us believe you...well that's where I feel like you've taken an important step forward a bit. We DO believe you. You were NOT being silly. They were NOT only joking. This WAS a big deal. The pain they put onto you WAS that bad. Worse. Making a child believe they're not wanted is probably the greatest sin in the entire universe. They were transferring their own self-hatred onto you because you were small and kind and an easy target. Shame on them!

I can see, also, that releasing this information is painful for you. It's painful for me to read it also. I love how you, and the other members here are the kind, good people in our stories, but at the same time, it shows that we, the good people, are still struggling to make sense of it all.

You dissociated at the end of your writing, but you got a lot of the story written before your thoughts jumbled up. I think you earned that cake you baked. 

What I read in your writing was that you were assaulted on every front. Dad, Mum, siblings. You had far too little refuge. Far too little safety. The compassion you talk about for your mum is so endearing. Somehow, even as a tiny child, you were aware that she was being abused also. She was lucky to have you on her side. Even though you were tiny and just as helpless as she was, your heart stayed in her corner. That's what I find most lovable about you. You care about those who suffer.

In the end, I'm just so sorry that your upbringing was so violent and that these broken souls surrounded you so. I am deeply impressed by your ability to cognitively assess what really happened. I feel pretty sure I wasn't as aware of my abuse until I was close to twice your age.

For now, if you're still feeling dissociated, then you deserve to rest and let the dissociation protect you from thinking about all of it for a while. Baking a cake was a great way to ground yourself. It involved physical touch, smell and taste. Three things that help us ground. I sometimes just go to the sink and run my hands under icy cold water when my head is spinning and looking for a landing spot. I grip the cold faucet. Feeling the sensation of cold on my skin grounds me. It works, but cake would taste better.

[paul72]

Thank you for sharing your story
I'm sorry you faced this and that you're facing it now.
I read something a couple days ago.... basically it said, you (now) are the one rescuing your younger self, after they waited so long for someone to.
I think you did a beautiful job sharing your story and that young you is so fortunate to have you to rescue them.
TW

I understand how it feels when a parent tries to kill you. It really is a big deal!
It wrecks so much havoc on ever feeling safe. or feeling like you belong or have worth.
But you do!!
I'm so sorry for all you went through 

[Master of my sea]

You are all such beautiful souls! Your replies made me cry. It's been a tough day and to come here and see all your kind words, helps me feel understood and seen. Something I really needed today. So thank you all so much. You are all so dear to me

Armee - In his anger, he sat on my Mums tummy, so in a way, me and he choked her. I need to clarify, I had to go back re-read this a couple of times myself. I didn't type very well here What I was trying to say was that he was sitting on her tummy, so in a way, he was sitting on me and then choking her. Not that it was he and I that were choking her. That was all him. Sorry I didn't make that very clear in that sentence The guilt I carry is about saying 'Daddy' when he had just done what he had done. I know I shouldn't but it just won't seem to go away. No matter how many times my Mum tells me I shouldn't as well. It's just there.
Yeah, him and the vast majority of his family are not people I am happy to be associated with. Fortunately, only one Uncle ever bothered with us, and he was the most amazing man. Not a bad bone in his body, total opposite of his brother.

I struggled in school so much but I hid it fairly well, for a while. Once the old teenage hormones kicked in it was harder, but everyone just put my outbursts and depressive episodes down to good old puberty. I had a couple of amazing teachers who I will never forget, but overall, school was a challenge. I was always tired, from not sleeping, like yourself, up all night listening or waking up to the slightest sound. I never slept in school though. I have always been bullied to some degree in school so I was always on alert. I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I tried.

I want to go back to this information from my childhood and I'm hoping to be able to pick up from where I left off. I think I dissociated because I was feeling really guilty about what I was saying about my siblings. And it just all got overwhelming.
I need to take a look at this guilt in regards to my siblings.

M&H - My abuse was no worse than what you and others here have endured. The lack of physical abuse does not lessen the trauma. My Mum has always said, cuts and bruises heal, it's the emotional scars that last. Being neglected in any way leaves an emotional scar and having that neglect come from the people we are told love us unconditionally cuts deep.
Every child just wants to be loved by their parents but my Dad didn't love his children. Any of them. We were tools he could use to control and hurt my Mum. Him disappearing from our lives was the best thing that could have happened. Life would have been so much worse. But it is hard to reconcile the fact, that someone who had zero regard for me like that, was my Dad. Being a parent myself now too just makes that feel worse and make even less sense.

Papa Coco - I am glad I shared but I will admit, it kept me awake. I almost logged back on and removed the post, my anxiety shot up. I'm glad I didn't give into the anxiety and fear over my post as I have felt just a little lighter by putting it out there.
My siblings are a tricky subject for me as I feel an insane amount of guilty for writing these things about them. My siblings (especially my oldest sister) have also been a huge support to me throughout my life. I struggle to connect their younger selves to the adults they've become. For years I was ridiculously close to my oldest sister, she was like my best friend. But the more I have thought about my childhood and the more I have talked about it, the more I have come to realise how a lot of things they said and did, really affected me. The majority of them are not inherently bad people, not at all, but that doesn't detract from my own experiences growing up.
I know they wouldn't agree with my experiences in most cases and would just say all the normal plop to me. Or I would get a lecture about my own behaviour. I do not claim to be perfect, or that I have not been unkind to my siblings as well, but I did not bully them. I did not tell them they did not belong or belittle things that they said. Quite often I was just retaliating to provocation but of course, that wasn't allowed. Or at least not by me
I love most of my siblings and only wish them well, but I have no desire to be around them anytime soon. They just think I have thrown a strop or it's just my mental health. The reality is that they caused damage that I am now trying to sort through, I just don't think they will truly accept that. I don't want to bad mouth them because they have been good to me also, but I cannot ignore the wounds of my childhood and things as an adult as well. They claim to treat me like an adult but only when it's appropriate for them that I 'act like an adult' otherwise they still lecture me and talk to me like a child. I have never truly felt a mutual respect from any of them. I feel so guilty for even writing this, like I am doing them wrong. Grrr!

My Mum is my best friend and I know how lucky I am to have the relationship I do with her. We have had our issues and I have my wounds, but she worked so hard to give us everything she could. I have always been so protective of her, fiercely so. Part of why I decided to bake is it was always something I did with my Mum, all throughout my life. It has always brought me some measure of peace and I think it's because it makes me feel connected to her. That was something we did when everyone else was at school. It was our time.

I sometimes just go to the sink and run my hands under icy cold water when my head is spinning and looking for a landing spot. I grip the cold faucet. Feeling the sensation of cold on my skin grounds me.
I do this ALL the time! The only difference for me is I usually put my forehead against the basin instead of gripping the tap. My head usually feels like it's on fire whilst the rest of me is freezing My ex always used to find it funny. He used to help if I got too dizzy but it's just been one of my quirks Glad it isn't just me

Phil - Thank you for your kindness and support. I actually quite like that image. It's sad that that is the way it is but in the end, someone did come to the rescue. We have chosen to rescue ourselves. To be the people our younger selves needed.
I'm sorry that you have suffered with this too. It really does wreak havoc on your sense of safety. It just flies in the face of everything being a parent means. I feel for all the beautiful souls on this forum, it's awful that we even find ourselves here in the first place but I feel so lucky to have found you all. I'm really starting to feel less alone

[Master of my sea]

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I have hardly slept this week and I'm exhausted. Have had the rug pulled out from under me again and it's knocked me flat on my backside. All my Christmas plans have now changed which has massively upset me as I can't spend it with the people I love. I have been so looking forward to it. Then at the same time, it also means, I don't have to hide the fact that I cannot STAND Christmas. I am not going to have deal with the anxiety that I usually deal with, or the complete overstimulation. But I feel guilty about the sense of relief I feel. I am in no way shape or form happy about not being able to go and spend Christmas with the people I was supposed to, I am devastated but I cannot deny the relief. It feels really confusing

I have been and currently am, an emotional mess! I'm flip flopping between extreme irritability, being a sobbing mess and dissociating. I have felt completely overwhelmed and overstimulated all day today. I have really struggled with noise and touch, and I have been freezing cold all day. I need to make sure I do something with my little one tomorrow. Mum has not been a fun person for him today. He's so lovely. I burst into tears this afternoon, for no apparent reason (especially to him) and he got up from his colouring to come and give me a cuddle and wipe my tears away I don't deserve him. I wish I could be the Mum he deserves.

Had a pretty bad PA this evening and ended up exploding on my ex. He did nothing wrong and I just Just everything came spewing out. I feel awful and I just keep apologising to him. He didn't deserve that at all. Yes, there are reasons why he got the brunt of it and I understand that, but he didn't actually do anything, in fact, as I was...losing my mind, he was in the middle of getting something sorted for me. I just feel like an awful person right now and wish I could just suck it all back in and it not have happened.
It's taken me...about 4 hours now, to get back to some real measure of calm, where I can really think and breathe. I've been floating on and off the forum all day because right now, this is the only place in the world, where I feel even slightly understood and a little less crazy.

This is taking me a while to write as I keep having to stop and remind myself to breathe. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing It's something I have noticed recently, when I am in an emotional state and I write/type, I hold my breath. Don't know why, but apparently, it's something I do or at least have started doing
I also have a cracking headache, so that doesn't help.

I did push myself to start drawing earlier. I have had an idea in my head for a while but just haven't been able to get started on it. I needed something to focus on this afternoon so I made myself start. It took a long time and I had to do everything in stages, but I got there in the end. So that's something. I might try and do some more, depends on if I can shift this headache at all.

Now in an attempt to try and focus on something I like. I mentioned in a previous post about feeling the energy move through my arm as I write/type and seeing colours. This post, its flow has felt very slow and juddery. Almost stop, start. And the colour, the colour is a dark grey. Like a stormy sky, with electric blue streaks. Almost like lightening.

[milkandhoney11]

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear how much you are struggling at the moment, Master of my Sea.
It sounds as if you are having a really rough time - dealing with CPTSD in general, insomnia, and unexpected changes like that certainly isn't easy. I guess there are moments when it is just impossible to stay in full control of our emotions because trauma is really getting at us and our feelings are all over the place, but I don't doubt for a second that you are doing your absolute best in this situation, so please don't be too hard on yourself. These things are bound to happen from time to time when we are triggered and as sad as it is, we can only show compassion for ourselves in these moments and maybe find some ways to make amends later (should that be necessary).
I know it's frustrating and frightening when we can't keep up to our own standards and act out in ways that we experience as harmful, yet I hope that you can see that this doesn't make you any less of a wonderful person: you are doing the very best you can even despite all that is going on and that in and as itself is a great achievement.
I think your son is very lucky to have you because you do genuinely care and you always do everything you can to be there for him, no matter how hard life hits you.
So, I would say: take all the time you need to find some calm and peace. And feel free to reach out any time if you need support.
You're doing so well handling all these FBs and PAs and you deserve some rest.

[Armee]

Hugs to you. You've been sharing a bit about what happened with your ex so those latent emotions are probably more surface than usual and it makes sense that you exploded. You can keep practicing grounding techniques before you have to interact with him. Maybe you don't need to apologize as much as you are though?

When I first joined here I tried to get everything out all at once and overdid it a number of times in ways that made coping harder. It's something a lot of us do and then we find our groove that works to help us instead of triggering us. And sometimes we need to step away for awhile. It's all ok here.

Your son got a gift today seeing you cry. He learned how to be compassionate and he learned that everyone cries and its ok. Those are important lessons. You aren't failing him.

[Papa Coco]

More hugs from me also,

I have been where you are, and I just want to send you as much love and support as I can while you feel it now.

What a sweet boy to leave what he is doing to comfort his mum. It gives me a little smile just to think about it. Children are small and dependent, and seldom get a chance to give back, but your little guy found a way to give back to the person he loves most in the world. That little hug will never be forgotten. A ray of golden sunshine amidst an otherwise chaotic storm.

You made me remember in the earlier years of my therapy when my therapist(s) would have to remind me to breathe. I'd forgotten that I used to hold my breath too. It happened so subconsciously.

I'm sending you all the love and support I can, for both yourself, and your little ray of golden sunshine.

[Papa Coco]

Hi MasterOfMySea,

I just wanted to drop in and say hi. Just wanted to send a quick hug, and let you know I'm thinking about you while you go through what you're going through right now.

No need to respond. I know you will when you're ready.

[Master of my sea]

Hi Papa Coco, thank you for checking in and thank you for the hug 
I've been away longer than expected if I'm honest but that is the way it goes sometimes I did log on a little while ago but I just wasn't ready to reengage at that point.
I have missed the forum and you have all been in my thoughts but I am glad I made the decision to take a break. I am in a much better place now and feel ready to come back

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The last month of my life has been a real eye opener. The truth came crashing in and completely destroyed me for a little while there. I have been in a real battle just to keep going. To find the strength to wake up each morning. Once again I find myself being so grateful for my son, he has been my driving force, my sole reason to just hold on. He is such a kind and caring child and I find myself welling with pride, each and every time he shows that side of himself. We can learn so much from our children about being unashamed of our emotions. He has helped me to let myself feel what I have needed to feel instead of supressing it. My toddler will have a tantrum, get it out of his system and move on. In many ways, I have tried to do the same. When I have felt overwhelmed by my emotions I have allowed myself to feel them. Allowed myself to cry, or just go and sit quietly and breathe. Whatever I needed in that moment. It has also opened up doors with my son, ways that I have really been able to start communicating with him and showing him that his emotions are not a bad thing. That it's ok to feel and it's ok to show it. I have kept a lot away from him but I have allowed him to see me cry at times, I have sat and explained to him that sometimes we get sad and sometimes, a good cry can help you feel so much better.

My world completely changed at the beginning of this month, all my plans fell through and I was dreading yet another, miserable Christmas. For a long time it looked like that was exactly what was going to happen. I discovered that the person I have devoted the last 3 years to, that I have given everything to and I have loved with all my heart, has spent the last 6 months at least, using me. Telling me what I wanted to hear, to keep me where he needed me, whilst he got cosy with someone new. All this time he had me believing we were working on our relationship and we honestly had hope for the future when actually I was just being used and manipulated for his own gain. I was devastated. I still am but it's a bit different now. But I was crushed. This man quite literally saved me from my husband and HIM. He was the one that stopped it all from happening again on another occasion. I thought this man was my hero! He has raised my son for the last 3 years. My son knows him as Daddy. But the man I thought he was, doesn't exist. He's been struggling to keep the mask up for a while now and it's finally slipped. I am now no longer looking at him and seeing what was, I look at him and see him for who he is and what he has done to me and my son.
It all came to a complete head the day before Christmas eve. My son was supposed to be spending Christmas with him but the day before he was supposed to be collected, my ex decided that he needed to 'distance' himself for a while. Part of this is because I was not in a good way and was desperately trying to get answers from someone who didn't want to give them and didn't care. But it's also partly because I don't want my son being introduced to a new woman, when only a few weeks ago his Dad was virtually living back with us again and we were behaving like a family. I will not have him confused like that. But because he has already moved in with his new partner, him having my son isn't an option at the moment. Now this caused me to go full Mumma Bear. I know what this 'distance' means and I made it clear, he is either consistent or he's gone. That you don't distance yourself from your child. He chose that moment to tell me 'well he isn't my son'. That sealed the deal for me. For 3 years he has been your son and now you've suddenly decided he isn't? Time to go. Having someone be inconsistent with me and flip flop in and out of my life is one thing, I will not have it done to my child.

Everything changed for me in that moment. The whole way I looked at this man shifted. I have not cried over him since. We have been no contact since then. Any communication is through a third party. His stuff will be removed from my home next week and after that, I never need to see or speak to him again. Yes I have lost the family I built but no family is worth the trauma of the last 3 years.
My whole perspective has completely shifted. I have gone from wishing I was not here any longer and that my attempt at leaving this world had not failed last year. From being in so much pain that I physically hurt to being absolutely determined and feeling stronger than I have felt for a LONG time. I am finally seeing things clearly, seeing them for what they are. Finally seeing how I have been manipulated and used and gaslit. All by a person that swore thy would never do these things to me, especially after learning about my life. I do not need that, my son does not need that. It has made me so determined that never again will I allow anyone, to make me feel like this. Never again will I allow someone to make me doubt myself or make me feel wrong for having feelings and expressing them. I am never going to be in this position again. Enough is enough and I'm drawing my line in the sand. Not just for my sake, but for my son too. We deserve better!

This break in the relationship and going no contact has opened up an amazing door for me. I have been stuck living in an area filled with the demons of my past. This has caused my mental health to suffer immensely and I never feel safe. I was staying so my son would always be close to his 'Dad'. That isn't the case now. I have absolutely nothing at all in the world keeping me here. There is no happiness for me here, there never was. All I can think of is all the pain and betrayal I have experienced since moving to the area. There are no fond memories really. But now, now I can leave! I do not have to stay anymore. I can move and start a fresh, just me and my boy. Somewhere new, somewhere with no history, where no one knows us and we can just go and live our lives. As terrifying as that is, I find it so exciting too. To be able to just go, with a clean slate and just live and heal. Sounds amazing.

I have been coming to so many realisations in the last week and some of them are hard but all of them necessary. I am no longer looking at things through rose tinted glasses. I am seeing things as they are. I am realising just how bad this last relationship was and how little I was respected. Something that keeps coming to mind is the fact that I constantly asked him to stop making me jump. Stop trying to scare me. He could see how strong my reactions were, there was more than one occasion where he triggered anxiety attacks, full blown panic attacks and FBs. I collapsed on the floor in tears more than once. Yet he still made me jump, a lot. Such a small thing to ask someone to stop doing and yet, he just couldn't do it. I never got to celebrate my birthday, we never celebrated valentines day (he always broke up with me just before and then we would sort things out a few days later) all these types of things. Yet I always made an effort for him, often being the only person to do so. I am not claiming I was perfect and that I didn't mess up but I know I didn't deserve a lot of the treatment I have received. Especially in the last year.
What amazes me, is how after everything I have been through, especially before we got together, how I missed or ignored all the red flags.....again! Blows my mind and I'm the one who done it
For such a long time, he has been my whole world. He was all I had and I honestly didn't know how I could do it all without him. That is no longer the case. I can and will be fine without him. I have survived 100% of my bad days and I will get through this. He done me a favour in the end. I couldn't walk away, I didn't know how and I wanted to fix things. He gave me the final push I needed. He walked away and I closed the door and locked it. So in some ways I'm grateful for what he's done. Now I can move on with my life, without the weight and the anxiety of that relationship hanging over me.
I wake up each morning and I know exactly what is going to happen that day. I'm not trying to predict his mood, I'm not trying to keep him calm and happy and placate him all the time. I'm not having to pay attention to how much he is drinking so things don't explode. I'm not a completely anxious mess! I can spend my own money without being moaned at or an argument starting.

I feel better than I have felt for a long long time and for the first time in years, I have some sort of plan and hopes for the future. It's not looking quite so bleak. I had a lovely Christmas with my son, in fact it was the best Christmas I have had in years. I know there are going to be bumps and blips. I know there are going to be days that are hard but it doesn't seem quite as frightening now. I know that I can deal with those hard days in ways that help me and no one is going to judge me, no one is going to make me feel guilty for doing what I need to do, to be ok. I can finally focus on me and my healing journey. I can do it at my own pace, no one is rushing me to get better. No one is questioning why I am not better yet. My purpose is no longer to look after an egotistical, self-centred man who still thinks it's the 50's. My purpose is my son and myself and to bring a little good, a little light into this dark world.

Only about a week ago, I felt like I was standing on a cliffs edge, watching a wall of water moving towards me. Knowing there was no escape. All I could do was stand there and let it crash into me and throw me around for a while. It took a few days for me to finally break the surface and gasp for breath. Now, now I'm swimming. But this time I'm going to swim with the current instead of against it.

My life has been spent fighting and surviving. I'm done doing that. It's my turn to have a go at living.

[Armee]

 

I'm so glad you are here and so proud of the strong woman you are. Stronger each day. 

[milkandhoney11]

Master of my Sea,
I'm so glad to be hearing for you, I only wondered yesterday how you were doing and whether you got through Christmas okay.
The way you describe the breakup with this person sounds atrocious. I don't really want to say anything against a person I don't know but I don't understand how he would do something like this to you and your son. I imagine that this will be quite difficult for your son to come to terms with as he is losing the person he thought of as his "daddy" and I imagine it will also be difficult for you since you devoted so much time to him. However, maybe it is indeed better this way, if he triggered you so much and was often so inconsiderate even when he knew about all your past trauma.
I admire how you are dealing with all of this and I am so glad you are finding such strength in this situation. It is most wonderful to hear that you feel more determined that you have been for a long time. Seeing things as they really are can be very scary and daunting but also very freeing and I hope that the latter will prevail for you. You can be really proud of the incredible strength you are showing, but please let me know if you ever need any kind of help. I guess this changed a lot of things in your and your sons life and this can take some time to adjust to, but we're here to help in any way we can