I'm NarcKiddo, and I think I may have CPTSD

[NarcKiddo]

All conditions I refer to in this post have not been formally diagnosed, in case that makes a difference.

I'm in my mid 50s. Some years ago I suspected my mother may be a narc. Started processing that and everything I read confirmed my suspicions.

The more I read the worse everything became. Not in terms of my own feelings because at last I realised something was actually wrong. I wasn't imagining it, and maybe something could be done to make me feel better. But the more I read the more lightbulbs came on and the true grimness of my upbringing and coping mechanisms and health ramifications became clearer and larger. Realising my mother is a narc was the tip of the iceberg, I guess.

I saw people on the Out Of The Fog site, where I have been for a while, refer to CPTSD so I did some research about that. More lightbulbs came on. And here I am!

I started therapy a couple of months ago. This was a massive step for me, since my defence mechanisms include trusting nobody and never confiding anything. But I'd reached the end of what I could do by myself. Therapy is basically a last resort, because I'm tired of being scared and angry. I'm sick of the slightest thing setting off an increasingly hair-trigger fight/flight response.

[paul72]

hi NarcKiddo

Welcome and thanks for sharing
I hope you find this forum to be supportive to you. It's a really good place.

[Hope67]

Welcome NarcKiddo,

Glad you've joined us here, and hope you'll find it helpful here. 

Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Hi, and welcome, Narckiddo,

I'm glad you found this forum. I found it a year ago and it's been a great place for me to learn, and to share my quirks with others who already understand the quirks. I don't need to explain myself to non-sufferers anymore. I like to say that it's easier for a mother to explain the experience of childbirth to a man than it is for me to explain my C-PTSD to people who don't have it. Here on this forum, no explanation is necessary. We all already know how it feels to have trust issues, dissociation, fawning, phobias, self-esteem issues, etc, etc, etc,. We all get it.

And as far as a diagnosis goes, some things are obvious enough that they don't always require a formal diagnosis to be true.  If you've read Pete Walker's book, Complex-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and you see yourself in that book, then you know, even without a doctor's official diagnosis.

I hope you find this forum to be as helpful as I do.

Welcome!

[Master of my sea]

Hey NarcKiddo and welcome to the forum 

I've only started posting here recently and I have found a welcoming and warm community, where everyone is honestly here to lend support and understanding.

It's a strange feeling when you start to realise it really was that bad and you can't hide from it any longer.
I'm glad you have found it and hope it helps you find a place where you feel are understood and accepted.

I hope it helps you as much as it helping me. You are not alone in this.

Once again welcome to OOTS! 

[Armee]

Hi, welcome NarcKiddo. That's a huge step to start therapy. I hope it goes well. It's been a difficult journey for me...that trust and staying in therapy to recover from probably a similar childhood...but i would never go back to how I was before. The awareness though can be pretty upsetting. Welcome to the forums....you'll find a lot of people here who truly get what you are saying and dealing with. It's a very validating experience.

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome to you, NarcKiddo.