New To All This

[Searching for Joy]

Triggers !!!!  Be warned please
(Long post as well)


Hello Everyone

I am very new to all this online items.
My history....There was no love in our home, no emotions of love, no show of love, no words of love.  I was always compared to my older siblings, yes I am the youngest by 5 and 6 years.  I was never good enough, never did good enough, and was isolating (now that I can remember parts of my childhood) very early.  I wanted to die when I was in high school.

I ran and by running I mean I sunk myself into schoolwork.  I studied all the time.  In college I studied, studied, studied.  Never met friends nor went to events. However I was disliked by classmates as I "broke the curve".  Once I graduated I ran to many different States away from family. But the demons followed.  So I registered to get my Master's degree.  I worked and studied, worked and studied, worked and studied.  I graduated and had a successful practice.  Demons returned.  I registered to get my doctorate.  I worked and studied, worked and studied, worked and studies and graduated after 18 months.  During these times I went to different counselors and was admitted 4 times.  At a one family session, the counselor ask my parents to let me know that they love me. The couldn't say the words! They couldn't touch me. That was the one and only family session. Back then I was diagnosed as Major Depression and Dysphoric.  No one asked me about my family.  BTW, this was in the 80's and 90's.  I just continued to work and kept busy reading journals and never finding any true friends or relationships.  I continued to move from State to State. Focusing only on my career kept me distracted....now I am learning disassociated if that is correct.

I finally landed where I am.  I got to the point I could not handle working anymore I needed some coping mechanisms to survive until I could retire which was 6 months out.  I found a counselor.  She finally got to the bottom of all my traumas of which are several from childhood, to surviving a plane crash with losing my best mentor during college, and other traumas.  She then told me about CPTSD.  She as had me read some books.  I just haven't really "bought in" I guess as I feel so empty, unloved, lost, unworthy, isolated, lonely, anxious.  I hardly ever leave my house.  If it weren't for my dogs I would likely have no interactions with anything.  I only leave to see the counselor.  I have been with her 3.5 years but seems like I have made no progress.  Every day is a struggle. She has been patient but I feel she does get frustrated with me but denies it.  I think I can read frustration pretty well.  I just don't feel I am getting anywhere bug then she tries to point out my progress.  For one thing is I have a service dog now and I trained him myself with the assistance of a virtual trainer during COVID.  Yet I still struggle to leave my home.
I am also on meds and been on and off all along.

So I have now found this group by googling.  I am hoping to find a sense of community, people who get it, some sort of connection between my appt's, and read others journeys and what worked for them.  I think it is time I work on getting out with my dogs and doing things with them. 

Thank you for reading my story.

[Armee]

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry for all the traumas you've suffered and relate to much of what you said. I got through 18 years of a really good career and then just crashed, too. Now I'm a stay at home mom because i just can't function well anymore. It's common I think to hold it together in a state of denial and dissociation until we just can't anymore. I heard it once described as trying to keep big inflatable beach balls submerged under water and pushing them down and it takes a lot of energy but then they start to pop up above the surface of the water and we try to push it back down but more keep breaking the surface until we are just surrounded by beachballs that we can't push down anymore.

I've been in therapy 4 years now and while I have a long way to go and can compare how I feel now to before and know i don't want to go back to before where I was so deadened I had no idea. So seeing and accepting is huge progress. Knowing you need a service dog for instance...

Anyway, welcome and I hope you feel at home here. We get it. 

[Searching for Joy]

Thank you Armee

[Gromit]

Hi,

I read your post and I wonder if your counsellor is right for you. I must admit the longest I have ever been with any counsellor was 3 years and, somehow, that was too long, with that one. It is great that your counsellor knows about CPTSD, many do not, in my experience, but, it is only in the last few years I discovered what it was. Then, I discovered ACOA, (Adult Children of Alcoholics and other dysfunctional parents), since COVID they have many meetings online, in the literature, there it was, PTSD from childhood experiences. I mean, that perhaps a break, or a different approach might help, I had that feeling that my counsellor was frustrated with me, with one of mine, it was almost as if she was trying to make something happen with her suggestions. I did not follow through with those suggestions, I ended the counselling and did not try another for some time.

Lovely picture of your dog.

G

[paul72]

hi unloved
Welcome to the forum ... I really hope you find it very supportive.
I hope you'll eventually have to change your name because of all the love shared with you here
Thanks for sharing!!

[Not Alone]

Welcome to OOTS. I'm sorry for all the pain and trauma you have experienced.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Unloved

Welcome to the forum. You say you're looking for a sense of community.  That's what I was looking for a year ago when I joined too. I'm a grandfather who was laid off 2 years ago from my job of 42 years. I was able to turn the layoff into a retirement, but the sudden loss of identity has knocked me into a depressive spiral that I'm just now feeling like I might be pulling up from. Your story of the one time your family got together with a therapist is both heartbreaking and enraging at the same time. I raised two sons and now have two grandsons, and I can't bear the thought of not hugging them any chance I get.

I'm glad to hear you moved as far away as you could. I know it doesn't cure the inner demons that followed you, but it does stop the abuse so that healing can take the helm and begin taking you a new direction.

What I found in this forum is fellowship with people who already get me. They isolate like I do, they are kind and compassionate like I am, (I say that because I've spent my life being called "stupid" and "too emotional" for being "too nice" to people in need.). Here I'm allowed to not feel ashamed of caring for others whom I've never met personally. I grew up with the annual showing of The Wizard of Oz. I have spent my life believing The Island of Misfit Toys was a fictional place that I always wanted to find and move to. Don't laugh too hard, but this forum makes me feel like I've found my virtual Island of Misfit Toys. The people who have spent our lives feeling like we don't fit in, NOT because we're bad, but because we're actually very good people. We're the ones who took the abuse and internalized it rather than identify with our abusers and become abusers ourselves. What happened to us was not our fault, but how we chose to become empathetic and kind was our doing.   My therapist likes to tell me that teaching a nice person how to love themself and start holding their space in the world is easier than teaching an arrogant jerk how to become a nice person.

I hope this forum is helpful for you. It's sure been a godsend for me.

[Moondance]

 :heythere

I am thinking you and hope you are okay.