IFS Therapy Conversations

[Papa Coco]

I didn't see an actual IFS thread posted in this forum, so I thought I'd start one. There are a lot of IFS postings and responses being written all throughout the forum. Perhaps collecting our thoughts in an IFS location will help anyone who's interested in IFS by making it easy to find any IFS talk all in one place.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapy style that is proving to be helpful for a lot of people who struggle with our past traumas which are causing stress in today's life.

In his book, Self-Therapy, Jay Earley Phd. says there is benefit to going through IFS therapy with others as a group. So I thought I'd try starting a group to see if anyone is interested in sharing, learning, teaching, collaborating anything IFS related.

I won't start posting until I know if anyone is interested in sharing in the IFS journey with me through this, or some other thread.

[paul72]

Well, I'm going to jump in here because I HAVE QUESTIONS!! ha

I have only read the first chapter of Self-Therapy and it didn't seem like I could make it work.
And I'm assuming it's just terminology... or different ways to work towards the same purpose.
This is not a criticism of IFS, more of one of my mind not being able to wrap itself around it.
Tell me to read more if I'm giving up too soon please!!!!!

To me, my parts are me at certain ages and the book doesn't seem to look at it that way; I'm not sure I can look at them differently.

Example,
Going to sleep is excruciating. That moment before sleep comes, when my mind goes from conscious to unconscious is scary as heck and it has always been.
It's like a brief moment where I can feel the terror in my body, coupled sometimes with images. So I start to drift off, get scared back awake and it repeats..
I learned very young (maybe 5-6) to play word games/math games in my head until I fall asleep to avoid all of that. I still play the same games (though more complicated).

My understanding so far, is that IFS would call that a protector part, keeping me from being terrified and feeling whatever horrors might be waiting, so that I can sleep.

But, to me that's my young boy self, Pablo who learned that behaviour to fall asleep at night. He has many facets to him. He endured much and learned some tricks, healthy and unhealthy to get through. I feel like it's up to me now as I learn more of him (and other IC), to slowly chip away at the unhealthy habits. I can congratulate him and thank him for ALL the habits... but there are some that aren't helpful now. My sleeping tricks for example I call a healthy habit still. (maybe i wont need it one day but it's not harming me and it works so I take it and commend and love Pablo for being so clever so young)

Is it just semantics? Does Pablo have protector and exile parts? Maybe as I grow in my relationship with him, I will learn more.
But if so, there must be so many parts, it seems too overwhelming. I already feel maxed out with 3 of them .. but i love them.. but multitudes of parts each? 
Not sure I'm ready for that road (though I remain open to it one day- just not today). Or are they more like traits of our parts? Is it just wording?

My part that wants to eat when I feel particularly unloved, is part of Francis's personality.
He's got all sorts of bad habits.. but he's fierce and he's brave and I'd never have made it without him. So I love him and know that I have to reduce those days as much as possible. Warriors need their strength. I'm middle-aged, working at a desk. The strength I need isn't going to come from another bag of potato chips.... but he needed strength so I love him for it. But when I am eating like a mad teenager, I'm mad here in the present too. I can't (yet??) deal with the food part of it without taking on all of him it seems.
Anyway, I'd love to keep reading the book, but I'm having trouble with it.

Sorry for rambling.. this is such an awesome topic and I really would love to learn more.. I am just not sure this book is for me. Or maybe I'm just being terribly closed-minded because it doesn't fit with my understanding. (not a great trait, but I can work on that)

Forgive my ignorance please, I am assuming it just isn't clicking because of my stubbornness, but I'd rather learn and keep going with it if I can

[Bach]

I've read some stuff about IFS and am intrigued by it.  Some of it makes sense and resonates with me, and some of it confuses and baffles me, but I struggle to read and absorb that kind of material without guidance, so I haven't delved into it very far.  Last year I attempted to find an IFS therapist I could afford, but could not, so I've stalled out on that a bit, but I'm definitely interested in discussion, especially if there's some kind of structure to it.  Papa Coco, please tell me more about your ideas for a group.

[Papa Coco]

Phil,

Great feedback. As I've only started learning IFS two weeks ago and am only in the 3rd chapter of the book, I'm not aware of how it works for everyone. I suspect that one of the main reasons I am responding well to it is because my long-time therapist is a DBT therapist who has, for years, had me talking with my protectors. He didn't call it IFS but he has introduced me to my protectors many times. After a while I got good at talking with them. So perhaps IFS is working for me because I was primed with a good DBT who sort of greased the skids for me.

I don't name my protectors with human names. I choose to call them what they are: "Mr. Judgmental", "Mr. Fawn", "Mr. Panic".  It's just easier for me to keep them all straight and to assign only one habit to each.  For years, my DBT has only connected me with "my protector" which meant that all my quirks were handled by that one guy. IFS is encouraging me to take it apart to the next granularity, and I'm actually enjoying the simplicity of being able to talk with Mr. Fawn about Fawning and nothing else. I can have more pointed and strategic conversations when I'm speaking with only one protector about only one habit. It declutters the issue I'm dealing with on any given day. A more targeted focus.

I really believe we can talk directly WITH our protectors, but we must speak like kind adults to our young and frightened Exiles. The Exiles are the children from various ages who have become afraid.  I am often able to know what age they are just by picturing them. I don't have to ask. My Exiles are terrified children. I'm the adult and I need to speak to terrified children by saying "I've got you. I've got you. I've got you."  When my sons were babies, I was able to hold them tightly, rock them back and forth and help them stop crying. So that's what I do with my Exiles today. They are scared children, and as such, they need nurturing to help them stop feeling the fear that keeps triggering Protectors to come help.

I don't see your method of falling asleep at night as something you need to fix. I think your method of falling asleep IS your fix and if I were you, I'd keep doing it. No need to stop a protector who's helping. When you talked about your snacking you helped me to see something in myself. I love the fall and winter because I love the darkness. Nightfall is at 5:30 PM now here in my community, and that's when the TV comes on, along with the pajamas and the snacks. I'm 62 and I STILL feel safe at night with snacks and TV. Last night I kept myself awake until 12:30 AM because I just didn't want the safe, quiet night to end.  Here's the deal for me:  When I was a boy, life was dangerous. School was dangerous. Church was dangerous. The only time I ever felt safe was in the evenings when TV and snacks were happening. As I got older, I was allowed to stay up later and later, so I did. And I learned to feel safe at night with the TV and snacks. So today, 60 years later, I STILL spend my entire evening, every night of the week, sitting in pajamas, eating junk food in front of the TV. And I don't ever want to go to bed because when I was a child, falling asleep meant that my next conscious moment would be time to wake up and go back into the dangerous world again. So today,  I compulsively try to not fall asleep because as soon as I do, my night of peace and safety ends and morning will bring judgment and punishments and lies and being ghosted and ignored and beaten up....

That panic that you feel as you try to fall asleep at night might be a protector wanting to make sure you keep aware of all your dangers. I get frustrated by my protectors who make me upset so I won't forget. But in my world, my protectors fear that if I let my guard down, I'll be victimized again. For me, I can't forget every mean or stupid thing I've ever said or done. I swim in regret all day and all night. I was a big brother, and as such, when we were kids, I sometimes bullied my beautiful little sister. Today, especially since she's passed away, I can't stop feeling like punishing myself day and night for every dumb little mean thing I said as her older brother.  That's a protector who is trying to make sure I NEVER forget how bad it feels to be mean to someone, so that I'll never do it again. So...now...how I talk to that protector is something I still need to learn. I routinely thank him for teaching me to never say mean things again, but I'm not sure if there's more I could say to him to help let him off the hook of having to make me regret my past all day long. I have the rest of my life to learn it so I'm not putting a deadline on it. I'm letting myself learn over time how to speak to my Protectors.

Case Study:
When my friend ghosted me a few weeks ago I went into serious panic. My friend had his own traumatic issues to deal with. We talked almost daily on gmail for about a year. His life got complicated and he started going days between gmails. Then weeks. Finally, this last pause went on for 5 weeks. At first, I checked for his gmails several times a day. Then I cut it back to once per day. Then, as weeks went on and on with no responses from him, I began to forget to check for his Gmails. One day, a couple weeks ago, I checked the Gmail account and there was a VERY LONG letter from him, telling me all about the insanity of his life. I was so excited, I immediately responded with a short letter telling him I'd write a longer one in a day or two. I sent it. I got it back as undelieverable. I looked at the date of his letter and noticed I had let it sit in my inbox for 12 days before responding. My assumption is this: His emotional struggles are more severe than mine. The fact that I didn't respond to his email quickly enough kicked in one of his Exiles who was used to be ignored as a child. That Exile triggered a Protector to come in and rescue him by making sure he ghost me before I can ghost him. I have no way of knowing if he'll ever contact me again. But let me just tell you that by him ghosting me because I didn't respond quickly enough to him triggered my Mr. Fawn to rise up and put my body into a panic. How I knew it was a panic was my chest, heart, throat all felt like they were on fire and were about to burst into flames. That was my protector, Mr. Fawn, kicking me and trying to get me to find this friend somehow, use every old email address he's ever had, find him in a phone book or Linked In or something and FAWN OVER HIM until he likes me again.

Once I found and identified the physical location of this protector, (he was in my head, chest and throat), and once I'd identified how he felt, (like my organs were about to burst into flames), I was able to ask the protector what he was doing to me and why.  He said, "When people ghost you, it hurts so bad, that I'm just trying to get you to become unghosted. Fawning has always worked, so we should try it again." 

I had to have a little talk with Mr. Fawn. I said "I'm reading IFS now. And I see that you are really trying to help me weather this ghosting storm. But I'm an adult now and I'm willing to stand up and be ghosted. I am going to accept the fact that this was not about me, this was about him. My not checking Gmail for a week and a half shouldn't have been cause for ghosting, and I NEVER would have gone that long if I hadn't simply lost track of time. Logically, I know this is a tragedy that I did not do on purpose. It was an accident. Ghosting me is on him. I'll keep that Gmail account active for the rest of my life. He knows how to get ahold of me."

SO! Result:
I feel much better about his ghosting me than I ever would have if I weren't in the IFS book when it happened. I still feel the pain. I still feel Mr. Fawn tapping me on the shoulder from time to time, but the words I'd told him, about how I'm the adult now and I'm willing to stand behind what has happened and that I'm prepared to deal with this tragedy as an adult, seem to have calmed down Mr. Fawn.  As far as my Exile goes, I didn't ask him his name. He was the same boy who'd been left for dead many times: ignored by my parents, beaten up by my school peers, laid off from my job of 42 years, ghosted, ignored, left out, exiled, left behind... All this little Exile needed was for me to spend a few minutes picturing his little head being held tightly in my chest as I rocked him and softly spoke to him, "I've got you, buddy. I'm the adult. I can handle this situation. I'm not in any danger. You're not in any danger. I've got you, little man. I've got you."

I'm not suggesting that you keep reading. I'm not a qualified therapist or anything, I'm just one beggar telling other beggars where I found food. What I'm learning now is that what works for me works for me and I need to be aware that not all cures work for all C-PTSD cases.

I am glad you were willing to give IFS a look to see if it might work for you. But if it doesn't help, then you need to do what does work for you.  Even though I'm learning to quickly find my Protectors and speak with them, I still don't know if I'm doing myself any good. Will this change me?  Maybe, maybe not. I'm on a journey just like you are, and time will tell if I'm doing myself any good or if I'm just falling for the next quick fix cure in a long line of them.

[Papa Coco]

HI Bach,

I'm glad to see you are looking into IFS. I think it's a lot simpler than we think it should be. Having watched the Pixar movie Inside Out has given me a clean perspective on how IFS works.

For me it started with my Therapist who would have me talk to my older and younger self whenever I was in peril. He'd helped me to see that my younger self still felt the fear of being exiled as I had been as a child. He also helped me to ask the pain in my chest what it might want to say to me if it had a voice. So, I learned a long time ago, that all my reactions to trauma are meant as protection and I learned to thank my inner self for protecting me. In my therapist's office I was able to see that my quirks were gifts of love. I had a little bouncer living in my head who pushed bad people away and kept me safe. The problem was that the people I need saving from aren't always bad, but my protector didn't know the difference between today's enemies and yesteryear's enemies.

I just noticed that in the forum, IFS stuff was bubbling up out of context in all sorts of people's posts and responses. I started to worry that people were going to get sick of hearing IFS like it's a fad that they don't want to talk about. So I thought, maybe I could create a safe place for those of us who want to talk IFS can do so with people who also want to talk about it.

So my vision for this thread is: According to Mr. Easley, author of Self Therapy, working IFS in a group works better than doing it alone in a vacuum. Even if we can't find an IFS therapist to join the group, the group interaction is said to be good for us. As a member of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) I am very familiar with peer supported chat sessions. They work very well, even without a therapist in the room.

This is just a place where anyone who wants to talk IFS can ask questions, or give epiphanies from their own experiences, or just express what they are doing with IFS today.

I didn't know if starting this thread would be dangerous, or would get me kicked out of the forum, but that's my Exile talking. As a younger man and a child, I was routinely punished for stepping out and trying new things. I've been blamed for hurting people by sharing information. So I had to deal with that feeling of fear in order to start this thread.

I decided to use IFS practices to tell my little Exile, "I'm an adult now and I'm willing to risk putting myself out there. I don't see how anyone can get hurt by me starting a new thread. If it goes badly and I get kicked out of the forum, then I'm prepared to deal with that too."  So, my Exile calmed down and did NOT trigger Mr. Delete Key to quickly panic and force me to go onto the forum and delete my thread.  IFS is helping my CORE SELF gain control over today's stressors by having me acknowledge to my Protectors and Exiles that the past is past. Today I'm a strong man with friends and family I can trust.

IFS Is giving me courage. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the presence of fear and the willingness to move forward anyway.  My Core Self knows courage. So he is listening to the Exiles and assessing whether the fear is needed or not. If it's needed, I let my protectors do their thing. But if my fears are homed in the past, and no longer valid, then I'm asking my protectors to trust that I have the danger handled.

[Master of my sea]

Yay Papa Coco!

I'm so happy you decided to do this  I have taken a lot from yours and dollyvees posts about IFS, started doing my own research and have started reading Self-Therapy. It has helped me make sense of my own recent situation and look at these parts with more compassion. Their intent is good, but their responses are over exaggerated. It will be amazing to have a space dedicated to IFS where we can discuss and work together as we learn.

Phil, I would say keep going, but only if it feels comfortable. I haven't read much of the book myself yet but have done other research into IFS. I'm still wrapping my head around it. Papa Coco speaks so clearly about is own experiences and IFS exercises that it is helping me unpack it a bit more, I think hearing about others experiences helps me make sense out of my own. Sometimes others have the words to explain what I can't.
Even if your experience with it doesn't match what the book says perfectly, doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't apply and you can't reap the benefits. My understanding so far is that communication is the key to healing these parts. And these parts are often our younger selves, so you mentioning Pablo being your young self does actually apply and fit. There are exercises in the next chapter that may help you make some more sense of it. Sounds to me like Pablo is exactly what you say, a Protector, and has developed a mechanism to help you cope and fall asleep. Not all of the mechanisms have to be bad or negative. Our parts will have adapted helpful and healthy mechanisms, but they have also adapted sometimes unhelpful and unhealthy mechanisms. We need to thank them for their service and teach them that these now unhelpful and unhealthy survival tactics are no longer required, and we can find new ways to cope. That the danger has passed.

Please anyone feel free to correct me if what I have said is incorrect but at this current stage that is my, very basic, understanding.

I'm excited this has started and we have a space to go on this journey together 

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

Thanks for starting this thread. I can't believe there wasn't one on the forum before. I learned about IFS on OOTS from Hope, Snowdrop and Owl.  Each one had their own different approaches. I think it's helpful to talk about and each person's inner world is a very unique thing. So, hopefully we can continue to gain understanding from others.

Phil, from reading your post, I would suggest to make sure you are in Self when approaching these parts. After watching IFS talks and Richard Schwartz sessions, there is a check in when dealing with these parts and you ask how am I feeling towards this part? Am I curious, compassionate (the seven c's) and if there's something else, say an intellectual part saying that's not right, this is how it should be, you ask that part to step back or come forward so you can meet it and thank it. IFS is experiential, so it's a constant check in with what you're actually experiencing and a reaffirmation that you are in Self when experiencing these other parts. I think it's a way to experience Pablo, as MOMS puts it, as a protector, and perhaps he is protecting another exile.

[Papa Coco]

My candid thoughts about who is My Core Self:

IFS has 13 attributes that describe how the Core Self lives its life.  They call these the 8 Cs and 5 Ps of IFS:
The 8 Cs are:
1. Compassion
2. Creativity
3. Connected
4. Confidence
5. Calm
6. Curiosity
7. Courage
8. Clarity
The 5 Ps are:
9. Presence
10. Perspective
11. Patience
12. Playfulness
13. Persistence

I believe my Core Self already exists: My job in IFS is not to create or become this Core Self but to quiet my mind to the point where I can find and embody my already existing Core Self. This is not a list of things I need to become if I want to access my Core Self. This list is a description of someone who already exists. In IFS, the Core Self already exists within each of us and already lives the 8 Cs and 5 Ps.

How I access my Core Self:

I don't presume to know how each of us accesses our Core Self. I only know how I do it in the privacy of my own brain. I first found my Core Self a few years ago through Mindfulness Meditations. I believe the IFS Core Self is the same person meditators call their Zen, or their Enlightened Self. When my job's stress would be nearly killing me, I'd turn off my phone and would google "Mindfulness Meditations" and pick one that's 10 minutes long.  I'd turn up the volume and stare into the screen while the meditation led me to focus only on my physical moment: How does the chair feel where I'm in contact with it? Am I breathing deeply or shallowly?  Do I have any aches or pains? Is the room warm enough/cool enough? How does my shirt feel against my back and stomach? What can I smell or hear beyond the meditation music? How does the carpet feel under my feet?

During those Mindfulness Meditations, all my stress melted away because that's just the power of the present moment. Unless you're in a train that's crashing right now, there usually is no stress within this very second. Usually, all our stress comes from regretting the past or fearing the future. My Core Self doesn't live in past or future, he lives only in the present moment. My parts all hate the past and fear the future. But my Core Self just "is" right now. This loss of all stress by focusing only on the moment and the room I'm in seems to be how I came to realize I was in the physical room and physical moment, but I was not of the physical room or physical moment.

For a few seconds after disconnecting my Core Self from my Parts and my stress, I felt like I was a peaceful, safe, relaxed visitor to your crazy planet.

After 10 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation, I'm totally relaxed. And for as many seconds as I can hold myself to the present moment only, those are the seconds that I'm in touch with my Core Self. Calm. Loving. Forgiving. At Peace. Exactly the same core self I was as a child.

I don't need the Mindfulness Meditations anymore. I can access my Core Self by just focusing on him. Now that he and I have met, and have spent a lot of time together over the years, it's easier to find him when I need him. That's good news. The more time we spend with our Core Selves, the easier they become to find and spend time with.

When I'm with my Core Self today I'm ageless. I feel exactly as I did when I was laying around staring at the ceiling as a child. My body has changed, my IFS Parts have become stronger, more distracting. But My Core Self is stable. Always the same. No judgement. No fear.

My Core Self is just a parent trying to enjoy a fun road trip through life in a car full of noisy parts all screaming for my attention.

I see my Core Self as the most spiritual, and least physical, point of my existence as a living human person. This is the place where I am in the world but not of the world. If it is true that I am connected to all earthly life and/or to an eternal God or The Universe, my Core Self is where that connection happens.  And when we can begin to sense that we are in the world but not of the world, we can begin to see that we have our parts but we are not our parts. They are part of us, but deep down at the core, our true identity is described by the 8 Cs and 5 Ps of IFS.

I don't know if Schultz teaches the Core Self to be what I see mine as, but for me...This is, currently, how I see the core self and its parts within myself.

[paul72]

Thanks Papa for sharing how you access your Core Self. It is very helpful.

I do that exercise as well.. though it is not peaceful in the least.
It took some time and effort, but I can relax my body and notice how it feels against my clothes, how the air feels between my toes even... none of those things I could do before.

But what happens next isn't a meet up with my Core Self.. it's a violent, shaking, image-filled episode with one of my parts.
It's what happens when I don't play mind games to fall asleep.. I'm essentially letting the shaking take over. It's letting my body tell me stuff, and to this point nothing it's said has been calming. It's worthwhile and probably my key to healing, but I have to prepare for this. It's definitely not peaceful.. I'd call it terrifying, but effective.
Now I could be doing it all wrong, no doubt. But I haven't met up with my core self this way. I may not have met my core self any way though so that could be the trouble

You mention accessing your core self even without doing this.. Armee had mentioned something like that to me before too. That it gets easier to keep one foot in the present while talking with your parts. I will push through with the book.... the idea of using that exercise and getting peace doesn't seem possible at this point, so that's a good enough reason to keep trying.

I'm very grateful for your descriptions, Papa...it's very helpful to hear what you're doing!

[Papa Coco]

Hey Phil,

I'm glad you're chiming in and sharing your experiences. The manners we use to find our inner Core Self sounds like one of those things that will be unique to the individual.  I hope I can hear some more stories from more forum members about how they find their Core Selves and how that Core Self feels when he/she is found. We are all a lot alike, but we are all still unique. There's a lot of overlap in how we each experience and manage CPTSD, but there is also a lot of uniqueness to us.

I always admire how perseverant you are, Phil. You deal with the shakes on a daily basis, and you keep going. My Therapist says this same thing about me. I've been in treatment for so long I've forgotten how difficult it used to be just to get through a day or a sleepless night, but he reminds me. My therapist hasn't forgotten how the shakes and the Icy Chest used to come over me. He has reminded me that the reason I'm getting better over the years is because I keep trying. I guess not everyone does that. A lot of people give up. I see in you what my therapist says about me, your perseverance and your openness to trying new things really is what will carry you through. I'm filled with hope for you that you can connect up with the right professional who can help with that panic that comes when you relax.

As a child I had a few certain places where I was allowed to relax. One was when I was allowed to stay up late on Friday nights and watch TV with snacks. So today, a lifetime later, that's where I relax now. I'm addicted enough to TV that even if I were out having the time of my life and came home at 1 am to go to bed, I would need at least 1/2 hour of TV to relax me enough to fall asleep. For me, it's about recreating the scene for me to relax today as I did as a kid. TV relaxed my family, and when THEY relaxed, I relaxed.

[paul72]

Well, Papa...

I had never considered that I might be dealing with 2 things here. I'm very grateful for you pointing this out.
I surely have trouble relaxing (I know it's a HUGE trigger for me).. and maybe that panic is a part I have to face first, if I want to have success with any meditation/mindfulness exercises.
Sure beats being terrified to try

As for perseverance, I have accepted that I have little choice. Martyrdom is extremely overrated.
Thank you again Papa 

[Bach]

I can't access my Core Self very well.  I'm not even entirely sure what it is, although I think that I have an impression that it is more of a body thing than a mind thing.  I've been trying to learn how to quiet my mind and tune in to my body but I find it very difficult and sometimes it rebounds to a panicky feeling.  Vagus nerve stimulation exercises help a bit, as do various forms of self-touch such as havening and butterfly hugs.  I have a very long way to go with all of this.

[Master of my sea]

Thank you for sharing that Papa Coco, it's helpful to see others experiences.

I'm like Phil, I have yet to access my Core Self. I am yet to find a space (both emotionally and physically) that feels safe and comfortable enough to even try. Every time I try to just sit and be, I either end up disassociating or being flooded with FBs and all manner of reactions. Or my alarm bells are constantly ringing. When I try and sit quietly, try to relax myself, I end up tuning into every little sound and movement. I am not at a place where I can turn my hypervigilance off or even down.

It helps to see that with some perseverance, practice and patience that it can be achieved. Also, the acknowledgement that we are all different and accessing our Core Selves is going to be unique to each of us. I think this is really important. It's easy, especially in an open conversation, to start judging and comparing our own progress to others. Our Core Selves are unique so our personal journeys will reflect that.

I haven't been able to do much reading due to a flare up of an eye condition but that is healing now and I'm looking forward to getting back into the book and learning some more to help me navigate it all.

I see my Core Self as the most spiritual, and least physical, point of my existence as a living human person.

This part of your post really caught my attention as when I was last reading Self-Therapy, I was writing notes and one of them was, 'IFS reminds me of Buddhism. Very spiritual, that connection with Self, an openness and acceptance. Non-judgmental, healing.' Everything about IFS feels so similar in many respects. It comes across in the book as quite a spiritual concept and some people's descriptions, much like yours, feel like incredibly spiritual moments. Everything about it seems ultimately, so calming and peaceful and who doesn't want to feel that

[paul72]

I'm really enjoying this conversation...
I did a lot of reading yesterday on Relaxation-Induced Anxiety (RIA)... pretty interesting stuff.
There are a ton of causes, with trauma being at the forefront by the looks of it.
Never knowing safety is the one that hit me... but so many reasons for it that all make so much sense.
There are suggestions to help as well... I've been trying to find the one article I really liked but I can't now.. when I do, I'll add a link here.
(as an aside and not meant to hijack thread - it hit me last night that it causes my wife hurt and anxiety. When I come home from a work day and can't stop.. ie, to pick up glasses or wipe a counter, she takes it personally.. like I'm criticizing her for not having it done...that absolutely couldn't be further from the truth - alas, there is so much learning and growing to do)

[Papa Coco]

This is great conversation about Core Self. My original post was just my own personal experience of accessing my CS, and frankly, I'm not yet 100% sure its the same Core Self as Shultz had intended when he created IFS therapy.

Master of my Sea, To your quote; ( 'IFS reminds me of Buddhism. Very spiritual, that connection with Self, an openness and acceptance. Non-judgmental, healing.') I admit that I'm a very spiritual person, but I'm not even remotely religious. I believe we are all connected in some invisible way as one human race. In fact, I would add that our pets are connected with us also. I believe that the Core Self which I have been describing is the place in my own personal life where, IF there's a God, This version of my Core Self is where I connect with that God. Or Force. Or The Universe. Or whatever it is that connects us all together. The reason I suspect this might be my IFS Core Self is because the 8 Cs and 5 Ps of IFS Core Self define it perfectly. It's creative, forgiving, at peace, etc. etc. etc.

Bach, IT took me some time and a lot of practice to be able to access this version of myself. I began my very short visits with my Core Self with the help of my therapist. I could access my Core Self for less than a second at a time and I needed my therapist in the room helping to so I could even do that much. It was scary at first. It means I have to let down my guard. And for people who were abused by the people we loved and trusted the most, letting down our guard is pretty unnerving. For me, doing this in baby steps is the only way it can be done at all. A few microseconds of time with my Spiritually connected Core Self was a win. Even today, I really can't stay with that part of myself for more than a few short seconds. Mostly I like to make comments with him throughout the day. Sort of like those silly TV sitcoms, like Scrubs, where the star of the show breaks and talks to the camera every now and then. That's not the same as mediating WITH my higher self as much as it is acklnowledging that my higher "Core" self is there and that I believe he's there, even if I can't get too close for now.

Phil, I'm intrigued by the term Relaxation-Induced Anxiety. I have no doubt that it's 100% real. I'm going to do some research on that term. Relaxing doesn't attack me as ferociously as it attacks you, but relaxing is still not a comfortable, easy place for me to be in very often. It makes me feel vulnerable. It means I have to trust the moment that it won't turn bad on me. Even my own family was a bunch of liars and manipulators. If I relaxed, I was prey. Today I don't feel so connected to the fear of being vulnerable, but relaxing is nearly impossible for me without the help of chemicals, sleep aids, etc.  For me, I usually felt safe in bed, but in my own past, nothing bad ever happened to me in my own bed. All my enemies were daytime enemies; priests, nuns, parents, schoolmates, etc. Getting OUT of bed each morning began my daily war with the world.

I'm glad a few of us are using this thread to discuss our own experiences as we learn IFS together. I'm reading the book very slowly as I'm also trying to force myself out into the yard to do some much needed yard work AND to get myself up and out of this funk of sitting around waiting to die. My employer let me go so now I'm like the characters in those Minion movies where I'm looking for a new leader to tell me what to do. I know that leader is my Core Self, but he and I are still just getting to know each other, and I haven't gotten good at relying on him for a sense of safety and purpose as I hope to one day do.