Hello

[Butterfly86]

Hi everyone,

Well I thought I'd introduce myself, as I've been lurking for quite a while now. I feel that it's time I start interacting more, as life has become excruciatingly painful to deal with lately. Unfortunately, I don't trust a single human in real life so I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. And then there is the fact, I often feel like people are going through the motions and not really connecting. So here is all I have, and I am very grateful for it.

Brief background:
Childhood: Significant childhood physical and emotional abuse
Adulthood: multiple abusive relationships, alongside sexual trauma.
Currently: I have an emotionally  unavailable and abusive partner, and now I have the mother in law joining in. Healthwise, I'm not doing great. I have a couple of chronic conditions, but matters have been made worse by repetitive errors made by health care professionals and then my concerns being gaslighted or dismissed. I feel like I have a form of medical ptsd to add to the mix. .

I'm terribly frightened in this world. Just now I opened the door to the postman, and when I shut the door I had a full on panic attack, I'm 36, and a mum of one daughter, I'm meant to be the one who makes her feel like the world is her oyster and that she is safe, But how can I do that, when I feel utterly terrified by the world. I love her dearly, but I feel like I've failed her.

I'm struggling to find people that have empathy. My soul is broken.

[Armee]

Huge (safe, no contact) hugs to you for going through this alone.

A lot of us have kids and have the same worries that we are damaging them with our cptsd. When I am feeling good though I can see the truth is I am not harming them. I am a loving mom and my kids feel secure. I'm sure the same is true for you.

Hang in there, stay with us. Consider starting a recovery journal here for more support.

I'm so very glad you found this site.

[paul72]

hi Butterfly

Thank you for sharing.
I hope you find a ton of support in this forum.
I feel like I've failed my kids a lot too.... especially my oldest.
I try every day now to make sure they know how important and valued and loved they are.
Hopefully you'll find some comfort here .. and the self-doubts, fears can start to subside.
I really like your name... it's a hopeful one, something which we can all use more of

[Papa Coco]

Hi Butterfly86

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you joined. I'm one who often repeats that old adage that courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to push forward despite the fear. If trusting other people is a serious daily stressor, then joining the forum took courage. And courage is where healing can begin.

I like Phil's idea of starting your own recovery journal. I use mine to think out loud. The responses I get from other members are always helpful and comforting.

I've been a member on the forum for about 14 months and I have found it to be a safe place to start slowly opening up. When I post a little bit about myself, and a few members of the forum respond with kind, supportive words, I start to feel safer and safer delving into deeper and deeper topics. Like getting into the pool one inch at a time to acclimate to the water temperature.

Recovering from traumatic pasts is best handled through multiple tactics: I use Therapy + Ketamine infusions + occasional medication + I write + I read good self-help books + I do a lot of google research + I use this forum as a place to empathetically connect with like-minded people who already understand the irrational fears I live with day and night. I think all of these things together are what are helping me gain more and more control over my emotions and fears.

I hope you are able to find comfort here on the forum. Like you, I've always been leery of people going through the motions and only pretending to actually connect. But on this forum, I really don't feel any of that fake connection. I believe that most of the people who respond to my posts are genuine and they honestly do care. I think it's the healing power of empathy at work. We really do understand each other here.

I'm glad you joined.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Butterfly!

Hope you find lots of support here. Most mbrs do I think.

[Not Alone]

Hi Butterfly. That is so much to carry. I'm glad you are here to get support. Welcome.

[Master of my sea]

Hi Butterfly,

Welcome to OOTS.

I totally understand the fear when it comes to all of this affecting your child. I go through this all the time. Like Armee said, when I'm in a good place, I know I'm doing my best and my child knows he is loved and safe, but when things are bad it's so hard to see the woods through the trees. To see the truth. We are so afraid of doing to our children what was done to us. But I believe that it is this fear (in part) that will stop us from repeating those mistakes. We know how it feels to be that child and would never inflict that upon our own. I am sure you are doing a wonderful job and your daughter knows she is safe and loved.

This forum is full of wonderful and supportive people. Again, I agree with Papa Coco, it doesn't feel fake here. When people reply to your posts, it's always genuine, even if it is just a simple hello. We all care, understand appreciate all those things that we can never get those who don't live it, to understand.

I find the world incredibly unsafe and am very isolated, so I can appreciate what you are saying when you say about the postman. If I am not expecting someone and my door knocks, I go silent. Everything gets turned down and I'll sit quietly until they are gone. I hate it but at the moment I can't stop myself. These are the types of moments when I will come on here and post in my journal, knowing that I will not be viewed as 'crazy', or 'weird'.

I hope you find support and understanding here. Also well done for deciding to post. It's a big step to start opening up, I hope you are proud of yourself.