Milkandhoney's revovery journal

[milkandhoney11]

Armee- thank you so much for your advice. In the beginning I felt completely overwhelmed by shame and guilt but I'm beginning to feel some anger now and I find it strangely freeing. I never knew how much relief anger could bring. Growing up this was an emotion that was forbidden to anyone other than my dad and if we decided to defend ourselves against him or take up any kind of fight response this was punished most severely. But now I can finally see how this might be a valid response. I would never want to direct my anger at anyone but I have been saying a lot of nasty words in my head because I am so angry at these people for accusing me of such terrible things, ruining my future, blaming me for their shortcomings, and  using my mental health issues etc. against me. This is just not okay and I am determined to fight. As a child I never had a chance to fight because I depended too much on my parents and of course this flight/fawn behaviour carried on into my future but this is the first time I really feel like I do not deserve all this pain and that I need to do something to protect myself.

Sanmagic - Thank you so much for your validation. Part of me knows that I deserve to rest and recover but this was never allowed in my childhood and so the times when I tried to distract myself or just play were also the times when I was most vulnerable to my dad's abuse. I guess this is the reason why I find myself unable to relax and often unable to sleep most nights and yet I feel that I am slowly getting better at that. It feels so good hearing from others that I am allowed to take care of myself, so thank you for your help.

Dolly, I'm so grateful for the hug, I really needed that. And I am also grateful for all your advice regarding narcissistic parents, this has been so eye-opening and validating for me. In a way it makes me sad and anxious because I now know that my dad is never going to get better and that his abuse is never going to stop unless I stop contact with him, but it also feels very validating. I finally understand what happened to me and I can start to see that this was never my fault, that I was just a victim of a narcissistic family that never cared about the person I actually am and dried whatever they could to turn me into the ideal daughter they envisioned me to be. But the truth is that it's humanly impossible to fit into this perfect vision they have subscribed themselves to and even if it was I wouldn't want to.

Not alone - Thank you so much. I still struggle with giving myself comfort and kindness but I feel like I am healing just a tiny bit more every time I hear it, so I'm very grateful for your words

Snowdrop - Thank you for making me feel less alone with this overwhelmed feeling, I appreciate it a lot


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It feels so good to have all of your support, it gives me strength to keep facing this situation even when I'm tired and exhausted and just want to give up. There are days like yesterday when it all seems just too much to bear but thanks to all your help and advice I felt a little better today and I was so glad to finally be able to catch my breath. The triggers are all still there and I can feel the shame and guilt still lingering and lurking underneath the surface but at least I have been able to do some of the things I wanted to do, which was a relief. I haven't been able to face the greatest, scariest challenge, yet, but I hope I can build a little bit of momentum so that I can finally gather enough strength and courage to tackle this issue during the weekend or early next week at the moment.
It's always at the back of my mind and I can literally feel the anxiety stirring somewhere deep inside of me but I also know I need to be careful and not force myself to do too much at once or else the trauma might overwhelm me again.

[CrackedIce]

Hi M&H!  Just wanted to pop in and give my encouragement and support.  Not sure if it'll help, but I find when I'm facing what seems like an impossible task (at work or otherwise) I try to snap out of the procrastination by breaking it down into tasks / lists / to do items.  It helps me think of the big problem more clearly and then address them as small bite-size chunks - it's easier for me to think "well I have an hour now, I can deal with this small bit of a task" rather than "bleh, I only have an hour, there's no way I'm going to be able to get anything done on that huge issue".

Hope you have a great week!

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you very much, CrackedIce, I really appreciate your support. I took your advice and started with some of the tasks that seemed more manageable and I think I made pretty good progress at first.
I'm not used to fighting for myself and my own rights and in the beginning I found it very difficult to keep going because there were a lot of negative beliefs coming up. "You deserve this pain. You're not good enough. You're just a wretched little girl and there is no hope for you, so you should better give up your efforts and save you all the suffering."
In the past these kinds of thoughts always used to stop me as I didn't have the strength to argue with my trauma voice but this time I kept going and for a couple of days I actually started to feel quite hopeful and a little better about myself as a person. I realised that not everything that happened was my fault because I had suffered so much whilst working at this terrible place. There had been sexual harassment, discriminatory comments, and bullying and nobody was prepared to help me when I asked for support so it probably was only a question of time till I would eventually break down and snap under all this pressure. This was a lot of stuff to bear for anyone but when you already have suffered from so much trauma in the past it makes it even more difficult to cope with things like that.
It was hard to realise how much pain I have had to endure but it also gave me hope that people would understand my situation and that it might possibly prompt them to reconsider those awful allegations and accusations against me. So, I tried to reach out for help and support with some safeguarding boards and other local authorities in the area and see whether they could give me some advice and maybe even help me when writing my statement, but I got rejected from all of them and it just feels so sad and awful.
I've mentioned how much the sexual harassment affected me, how much I suffered from the emotional abuse of my superiors at work, and how much the racist and homophobic comments horrified me but there was absolutely no understanding and no support offered, so I just feel despair. When not even people whose job it is to deal with issues like this are willing to support and protect me how can I ever hope to find understanding from anyone? What is wrong with the world that we listen to people who are disclosing their pain and just dismiss them without thought?
I don't know how to move on from this. There are a couple of people left whom I could possibly ask for help with my situation but this has always been difficult for me even under the best circumstances and after the most recent experiences I am not sure whether I have the necessary strength to do that.

[sanmagic7]

dear M&H, i wish i could do more than offer support for you and what you're going thru.  it just all sounds horrible.  sending love and a hug full of strength.

[dollyvee]

Hi M&H,

I'm sorry that sounds like a lot to go through. It sounds like you did a really good job of tackling those trauma voices though, and it helped you to make some pretty big realizations about the environment you were working in and what you went through there. No one should have to endure sexual harassment at work. It might not seem like much, but you are making steps and it's all a learning process. No one was ever perfect going through this, that's just the conditioning from your parents.

I've been through something similar and the difficulty is proving that something happened. After speaking with a lawyer, and even after I told him what happened etc, he stressed the importance of hard evidence. Otherwise, it unfortunately comes down to your word against theirs. Maybe you are lucky to have something like this (text messages, emails etc), but most perpetrators are very careful and know how to skirt the rules.

It might be helpful to start making a timeline of everything you remember, maybe just in point form as an outline of what happened to get it down in one place. It might also be helpful to have a search on workplace sexual harassment in the UK and if there are any lawyers willing to take on the case. It could be that they work on a no win, no fee basis. The employment lawyer I spoke with was willing to take on cases pro bono because they had been through a similar experience as me. So, there are good people out there among the other ones.

Sending you support 
dolly

[rainydiary]

M&H, it is not ok what you have experienced and that you have sought help and not received it.  I am here with you even though I can't help in any other way.

[Hope67]

Hi Milkandhoney,
I can't find the right words to express what I want to say, but I want to say that I hope you can negotiate your way through this.  Reading some of the things you've experienced at work, it's horrendous, and I am so sorry that they haven't been supportive and that the places you sought help from were so unhelpful. 

I agree with Dollyvee that you did a really good job of tackling the trauma voices, and it shows strength that you've realised and escaped the environment you were in - it really sounded extremely toxic and the behaviours you've experienced there are not acceptable.

I also send you support.

Hope 

[OwnSide]

That sounds like a commendable effort of reaching out. I feel sad for you that it's turned out to be such a disappointment.

Do you have any activities that help you feel strong? For me it can be things like getting moving, putting on music, getting chores done, or researching something interesting. Getting started is often a battle but I'm learning to notice how my body will acquiesce to relief when I really need it to, and trust that that will happen.

I bring this up because it sounds like you could use some strength, Maybe you know some things that could help that along, when the time is right.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you all so, so much for your support, I really appreciate it.
The past few days have been very busy for me with a lot of things going on, so I didn't even manage to pop into the forum and read all your messages until now.
I wished I had the time to respond to all of you in detail, but this will have to wait for some time as I still have so many appointments and deadlines to juggle at the moment.
The good news is that it seems like I have found a job that will give me a decent salary whilst I figure out what is going to happen with the investigations/ allegations against me. It's not my dream job but at least it brings me some relief as I won't have to worry that much about being able to pay my rent. I just hope that I will be able to manage the stress as it involves making a lot of phone calls, which always fills me with a lot of dread.
The other think that seems like a small light at the end of the tunnel is that I have found a solicitor who has taken on my case and she said that we have a chance to make a claim for unfair dismissal based on the fact that I had been experiencing so many dreadful things at that job (sexual harassment, bullying, etc) and they made absolutely no adjustments for me even though they knew how much I was struggling with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
So, my hope is that this will finally bring an end to all my struggling. I'm not looking for any financial compensation or anything, but it would mean so much to get some recognition for the things I have been going through and it would also mean that they would have to drop those nasty allegations against me, so if we are successful with that claim I feel like I could finally end that dreadful  chapter in my life and move on. I wouldn't be unscathed and the trauma would probably remain a part of me for a long time, but at least it would relieve my conscience a lot.
Unfortunately, I have also had some negative encounter with my mum this week, but somehow this didn't bother me so much because at least my job situation was beginning to look more positive which gave me some hope. Still, I will have to take some time to unpack this, as I am very tempted to go completely no contact with her for the time being...

[sanmagic7]

congrats, M&H, not only for finding a job but a solicitor to take on your case as well.  being able to put that experience to bed, so to speak, i'm sure will bring with it a lot of relief for you.  well done, keep going, we've got you.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

I'm so happy that for now you have found a job to pay the bills and someone to represent you who thinks you have a case. I think you do too.

It's OK to put your mom on a backburner for now. You don't even need to tell her what you are doing.

[dollyvee]

Hi M&H,

That sounds great - congrats!  I think people like that try to go to lengths to intimidate and bully thinking that people will back down. Unfortunately, people who have been through a lot (like those of us with CPTSD) will tend to take it on and blame ourselves but it doesn't mean that it's true. Kudos to you again for standing up to them and telling your side.

Sending you support for going through that process,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Heey M&H!

WooHOO!  Congratulations on the new job, and the new solicitor. I agree with you and Armee both, your mum can sit in the dark alone for a while. You can go No Contact for as long as you need to. She's not contributing anything worthwhile to your life, and I doubt she's accepting any positive contributions from you also. She's a drain on your energy. A vampire. She drains your energy only because it's in her DNA to do so.

Your job and your solicitor are far more important right now.

Here's a good luck hug! 

[milkandhoney11]

I'm sorry I haven't been more active on here lately. I thought I was getting better for a while but now it turns out that since I went NC with my parents, my mum decided to search me up on google and other search platforms so she found one of my accounts where I have been talking about my depression and CPTSD.
She never did that before because she is not exactly active on social media or anything yet apparently she felt the need to check up on me.
So, it seems like she had read some posts about my depression and childhood trauma (luckily not on this forum but some other accounts) and now she is freaking out. She has called and texted me loads of times and even asked my sister to do the same.
So now I am sitting here and feeling very anxious, very guilty, very vulnerable, and a lot of other things that I can't define.
And the worst thing is even now she is still just focusing on herself.
- I am worrying about you
- I feel bad because you are constantly causing me concern
- I have a duty of care for you because you're my daughter so you need to speak to me when something is bothering me

What kind of duty of care is she talking about??? She never protected me from my dad's physical and emotional abuse and has constantly been gaslighting me whenever I tried to speak up. How is that a duty of care?
And now I'm afraid that she's going to tell my dad everything she has read (because that's what she always does) and * will break loose.

I just don't know what to do. I have immediately checked my privacy settings for all accounts so that she will hopefully not be able to find me again but I just can't cope with this. Too many calls, too many text messages, too much pressure and too little genuine care.
It feels like she is just freaking out and needs to do something to maintain her self-image of a "good mother" (haha) but I can't deal with this right now. Eventually I just hang up on her and stopped responding to her messages. It felt good in a way because I had never done that before and it was quite freeing but at the same time it gives me a lot of anxiety because I don't know what is happening and can't foresee how this is going to end.

[Armee]

One day, it will end with you feeling freer than you ever have. You have the right to set boundaries to keep yourself ok, including boundaries of how and when contact is ok right now and what the consequences are for breaking your boundaries (such as blocking her number for texts and phone calls). Your job is to protect yourself. Your parents seem to be causing more pain instead of helping to take it away, otherwise your reaction to your mom's "care" would be different.

I'm really sorry this is happening.