Milkandhoney's revovery journal

[Master of my sea]

Hi Milk and Honey

I resonate with so much of what you have said. This minefield that is C-PTSD is tricky to navigate but there are so many good people here. We understand and believe. You are not a burden, you are valuable and what you have to say matters. How you feel, matters.
I feel so much guilt when I think about the impact my family has had on me but at the end of the day, they did have this effect and no one can take that away from me. Not even then. No one can tell you how bad your trauma was.

Like yourself I am not in therapy at the moment and am scared about what will be revealed to me when I do start and start the right type of therapy. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I hope the forum gives you an outlet in the meantime. This is a safe place.

I am glad you decided to start a journal and I just want to say I am stood here with you as travel down this road to healing. You have a community here that welcomes you with open arms and loving support.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much Master of My Sea,
I am incredibly grateful to have finally found some people who understand what I am going through and are willing to listen even in those moments when I am struggling. I'm relieved that I am not completely alone with my worries, anymore, and that I can always come to this forum for support if I need it.
There are so many things to figure out, so much healing to go through, and so many scary memories/ realities to face, but I feel a little bit safer now that I know that I don't have to do all of this on my own.
So, thank you for being there, I really appreciate it

[Master of my sea]

It's a long and tricky journey we all have to go on, and each individual's adventure will be different, but it is a comfort to know we are here together. It's a feeling most of us have never felt. A true sense of community and belonging.
I'm glad it has made you feel a little safer and you really aren't ever alone. Not here anyway. We have all got each other, no hidden agendas. Everyone just wants to heal and help others along the way 

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much, Master of My Sea, knowing that you guys are all here makes it a lot easier for me to navigate each day. I have been feeling very low recently and really struggled to keep up the hope but at the same time I am grateful to finally have found support from people who understand what it is like to live with all this inner turmoil.
The past few weeks since "the incident" and losing my job have been awful but at least there is one good thing that has come out of it and I feel blessed that I have been able to meet kind, gentle, caring souls like you.
If I told anyone else about all the strange, sad thoughts clustering my mind they would probably say I was crazy and judge me as weak but even though all our journeys are different, I know that people here will understand and try to support the others as best as they can, and this honestly means so much.

I am very scared of the new week ahead and wished I didn't have to face it but at least I won't be alone and I know that I can get support on here if things are going wrong.
It's going to be my dad's birthday tomorrow and somehow that scares me more than I admit because I don't know how to deal with him, anymore. He can be a nice, funny, gentle person if he wants to but he can also be unbearable aggressive and narcissistic and I never know which version of him I am going to encounter, which makes me feel quite afraid. I have also uncovered so many dark memories during the past few weeks and am not sure whether I am ready to talk to him again after all that I have been through. But he and mom are the only family I have left and I don't really want to lose all contact with them, so I feel like I don't have another choice but to face him again tomorrow.

I am also feeling really worried about my job situation. I have three job interviews next week and I know I should be feeling happy and grateful because I have been so desperate to find a new job, but now that these opportunities have come up I feel an inexplicable fear that I can't quite cope with. I think that so much depends on these interviews and I am not sure whether I would be able to deal with yet another failure so I am starting to really dread the days to come. I've also spent so much time hidden away at home now unable to leave the house, that going on a job interview feels like an insurmountable challenge. Will I be ready when the time comes? After all the negative things that have happened in my last job I am not sure whether I am ready to start working again, even though part of me is desperately longing for some structure and meaning in my day to day life.

I don't know why all of this affects me so much but I just feel so overwhelmed and really want to cry. At least I hope that things will get a little clearer starting next week so I am trying to cling onto hope for the moment

Thank you all for being there

[sanmagic7]

best to you as you go thru the week, M and H.  it can certainly be distressing to face uncertainty, whether it be in who is going to show up or what the future might hold, including job interviews.  i hope everything turns out ok for you.  sending love and a hug, if that's ok.

[Papa Coco]

M&H

I'm so glad you found this forum when you did. Job interviews are stressful even for the least trauma-prone, so for folks like us, they're far more taxing. Especially, like you say, after being in the house for so long. I wish you the very best of luck next week.  Also, I'm happy to hear that you are ready to lean on your friends on the forum as you go through this. Job interviews are so stressful for anyone, but you have people here you can download your stress onto and we can jump in and lessen that stress by being genuinely supportive.

As far as your dad's birthday is concerned, I am impressed by your awareness that you choose to stay in his life but you know what he is.   There's a trick I learned from this forum called the "of course" method. It really looks like it can be helpful. Since you are going in with eyes wide open, and you know your dad is a narcissist, and you know what a narcissist is, you have the ability to predict what mean things he might say. So when you say "Hi Dad. I have a job interview tomorrow" you can predict that he'll say something judgy, like, "I hope you're not going to wear that!" And you can smile and say (quietly to yourself so you don't start a fight with him), "Of course that's what you'd say." It sort of takes the poison out of his comments and allows you to feel like you are more a match for him. Rather than feeling like you're his helpless, incompetent little girl, you can feel the truth that you're a competent, adult woman who can so clearly see his foolishness before he even pukes it out.

I always teach everyone around me the ways of the sociopath/narcissist. I say, "Stop calling them evil geniuses. They're selfish children." Their brains are 100,000 years in the past. Cave dwellers. They want. They want what you have. They'll do anything to take what you have, whether it's money or labor, or even if it's self-esteem. They want to make you feel less than them. They will say anything to make you feel bad. They have only one reason for doing it. It gives them jollies. (I say it more crudely in person: I say "it gives them a boner.") And like with eating a meal, brushing your teeth, or using the bathroom, doing it once isn't enough. You have to eat and use the bathroom every day. A narcissist needs to make others feel bad every day. Once they take what you have from you, they go to bed, wake up, and want what you have all over again. When narcissists insult you, you know "that's just what simple-brained, bratty child narcissists all do." Like when a 3-year-old says the world is a pizza, you just know, "that's what 3-year-olds say."

You are the good one here. You are the adult. Your dad is most likely frozen in time somewhere in childhood. (Example: I see trump as being a 3-year-old. Tantrums, false sense of grandiosity, never knows when to shut up, lies, no sense of connection to reality, favorite food is fast food hamburgers...exactly like a three-year-old).

I HOPE you have a day with "good Dad" tomorrow, but just in case "bad Dad" shows up instead, just remember...of course he would say whatever he's decided to jab at you with. Narcissists say narcissistic things. He's NO different than any other run-of-the-mill narcissist. They're all the same. They say the same things. Of course they do.

(PS: My angry, mean son was born on the 18th. He and your dad are Scorpios.  Pretty much all Scorpios I know have poisonous stingers just like scorpions. They're all very poison-toungued.)

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much, Papa Coco.
The "of course" method sounds wonderful and I am definitely going to sit down and think through which responses I am likely to hear from him. It still scares me but I know that I can get through it if I prepare myself and just remember that I am allowed to set boundaries and can stop the phone call at any time if I really need to.
It's a strange day today. I've had a very nice phone call from a former friend/mentor and she helped me see my situation in a bit more positive light and reminded me that I am still worthy despite all the mistakes I have made.
It's been wonderful to know that she still trusts and believes in me even though she knows about these mistakes, but at the same time it saddens me because I know how rare this acceptance is. I wished I could talk to my parents the same way as I talk to her and I wished they were able to show me even 1% of the unwavering belief and support she has given me, but I know that this is not going to happen.
I don't know, the past few weeks have made it painfully clear how little I can trust my parents and I am still struggling with this realisation, but I am also grateful that I have been able to meet all of you. Having all your support in my life is so much more worth than the strange, capricious relationship I have with my parents.
Last night as I was trying to sleep I had this thought that "my dad should never have been allowed to become a parent" and as soon as this crossed my mind my whole body contracted terribly. I could hardly breathe and started shaking a lot but somehow I managed to get through the pain. It was a very strange feeling and I have never experienced anything like this before, but it made me realise how much anger and fear I have stored in my body. Maybe this is why I am constantly tired but can never relax? And why it is impossible for me to sleep at night?
I think this is something I need to work with and I hope that I can find some healing by tuning more into the emotions that lie suppressed deep inside me, but at the same time I am also scared because there are so many painful things left to uncover and the prospect of it all seems overwhelming...

[sanmagic7]

M&H, i think it's an enormous realization about holding so much fear and anger inside.  and it stands to reason you'd be afraid of letting it out due to the possibility of overwhelm.  a former member of this forum used to say 'breathe, just breathe', and i'd like to pass that along to you.  it's ok to take all you've gone thru in small bits and pieces to reduce the chance of overwhelm.  i've had to do that w/ my own recovery, and it's made healing feel a lot safer for me. 

the realization about not being able to trust your parents is a very big one. we've often said here that slower is faster when it comes to recovery.  little bit by little bit, rest, another little bit.  by the by, we're glad you're here, too.  love and hugs :

[Master of my sea]

Sounds like you have a lot going on M&H. Sending you support and a huge 'You can do this'

I completely understand the feeling of leaving the house being an insurmountable task, especially when you have isolated for a while. I have to fully prepare myself to leave the house and it's often a process that takes days, sometimes weeks for me to build up to (this is usually if I have an appointment).
I have found that if I plan just a little each day in preparation, it helps calm the fear a little. One day I will look at travel options, if that's something that is required, but I might not actually set a travel time or mode of transport for a few days. I give myself time to process before I go back for a more in-depth look and make any solid plans. I slowly gather up whatever I need to take with me (it usually ends up in a little pile in my kitchen). Just little bits like this, spread out, helps to make me feel calmer and more in control of leaving my house. This is just something I now do to help me, it's part of a little ritual now, not even noticeable to anybody, it's just something I do. Maybe slowly planning and giving yourself time to process each step of what you are doing might help things seem a little less overwhelming.

Please don't feel bad or ungrateful for feeling the anxiety and stress that you do. Job interviews are stressful enough without having to deal with trauma symptoms at the same time. Be gentle to yourself, a lot has happened in a short space of time, and you are about to deal with another change (new job). It is perfectly ok and completely understandable that you are feeling the way you do.

Gentle hugs and here with you as you go through this

[Armee]

It can be really overwhelming to have those realizations and put words to them...things like your parents should not have been allowed to be parents. And then of course most of us couldn't express negative things toward our parents and so there's a backlash too, to thinking something so solid.

Just so you aren't too hard on yourself if you can't keep your interaction with your parents from affecting you...I never could even with my therapist coaching me and lots of work and effort and grounding...I would still react in panic and straight up trauma reactions no matter how hard I tried not to. I felt very defective that I couldn't succeed at that, which just added another layer of suffering.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you all for your wonderful support, it really means a lot.
I think I need to vent a little because something happened and I don't quite know how to deal with it, so I hope by writing things down I might be able to untangle some of my emotions.
I won't be able to give you all the details because I would be risking too much, but I am just feeling so terribly alone and misjudged and feel I need to tell someone. Maybe you'll understand...
It's hard to explain all the implications, but the main thing is that I  have been starting a blog about some of my experiences with CPTSD and depression because I felt it was important to raise awareness and encourage others to seek help. Before I joined this forum I felt so incredibly isolated and forlorn, so I was hoping that someone might be able to find this blog and feel understood. I did not mention any names of other people nor did I make any accusations, but I did try and process some of the things that happened to me during the past few weeks.
So, now I have been contacted by my previous employer asking me to delete all that I have written because they believe that it is possible to make connections back to them. And I simply don't know how to deal with this.
On the one hand I feel quite angry that they are trying to take away my freedom of expression but on the other hand my trauma voice keeps shouting at me how terrible a person I am for doing all of this. I never wanted to cause any harm to anyone (hence why I did not mention any names) but of course now I feel immensely guilty all over again.
Why is it that every time I try to speak up about my mental health issues, everything goes terribly wrong and I just end up making everything worse? I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
And for me the worst thing is that there has been absolutely no understanding for my situation, no concern whatsoever about my wellbeing, only blame. It's as if they were kicking out at somebody who is already lying on the ground and I just can't understand why anyone would treat a person like this who has just disclosed that they are now suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts following all the physical and emotional abuse I experienced as a child.
So, here I am sitting and crying and wondering what to think, do, and feel. Is it okay for me to be upset about all of this or am I just being difficult again? I thought I was starting to feel a little bit better about myself but now that this has happened my self-doubts and guilt are starting to overwhelm me again.

[Master of my sea]

I'm so sorry that this has happened.
May I say well done for starting the blog. That was a brave thing to do and you should be proud of yourself for starting it. Your blog has probably already helped many people without you even knowing it.
Writing a blog is your prerogative and you have every right to do so. If you have not named any names and you have now been contacted by your old employer, asking you to delete it because they fear it can be linked back to them.....that to me is their guilt talking. You have every right to write your blog and keep it up. Just because this employer has their own guilt to deal with, that is not your problem. That lies solely with them and maybe they should be asking themselves why it would be bad for it to be linked back to them. This is just my opinion, but I do not feel as if you have done anything wrong here.

If you feel upset about this, then allow yourself to feel that. You have every right to be upset, it's just someone else trying to stop you saying what you need to say. If this is your truth, then in my opinion, you have every right to speak it. If this is an outlet that works for you then I encourage you to keep going. This is your healing journey, and no one has any right to tell you how to do it.
The people that have harmed us do not want to be confronted with that fact so will do what they can to make that knowledge disappear.

I just want to say to you, you are strong. You have made it this far and you do add value to this world. You have nothing to feel guilty about. We are all here with you.

Gentle hug if that feels safe 

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so, so much, Master of my Sea. Your words really mean so much to me right now.
I'm not quite sure why this is affecting me so incredibly much, I guess it's just the final straw that is breaking my back after all that has happened during the past few weeks, but I am finding it very difficult to deal with this right now.
I want to be angry and stand up for myself, but all I can feel at the moment are fear, shame, and abandonment. I've poured my life into this previous job and worked so, so hard for them, slaving away even at the weekends, but this is how I am being treated and it feels so wrong. I mean, I know that it is wrong and I feel wronged, yet at the same time my trauma voice/ inner critic is tricking me into believing that it is all my fault again and I just can't cope with that at the moment.
I don't know this is actually making me physically sick and I've started to feel so helpless that I had to call the Samaritans to be able to talk to someone and hear their voice, but I am trying to hold on somehow.
So, thank you so much for being there, it feels so good to have your understanding and receive all your kind words.

[Master of my sea]

I am so pleased to hear that you reached out to the Samaritans! Huge well done. It's so hard to reach out like that when you are in such a dark space so be proud of yourself for looking after you. I'm proud of you.
This is so often the case with employers, it's all take, take, take. You do your very best for them and try to do a good job, for it all to seem so worthless when they then treat you like this. This is not a reflection on you. This is just the state of a toxic work environment that appears to be the norm these days.

I had someone on here tell my ICr to 'pipe down' and I'm going to do the same to yours. This is not your fault, you said it, your ICr is tricking you. They are mean like that. Your old employer has a guilty conscience that is bothering them, what they are doing is projecting that guilt onto you. I would like to tell you, the guilt is not yours to own. It belongs to them. All you have done is spoken your truth and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I will tell you this as often as you need me to.

If it feels safe for you, I would like to offer to sit with you through this. Maybe get ourselves a nice hot drink and a comfy blanket and just be . You are not alone. I am here with you. We all are.

[Armee]

The only thing of true importance right now is continuing to make it through each day and hour.  Please make sure to keep getting help when you need it and have a plan in place to get someplace safe if it gets too much. The thing with your blog can be ignored for now. Safety is all that matters at the moment.