Milkandhoney's revovery journal

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you Master of my Sea and Armee,
your support means a lot.
I've not been able to sleep much last night because everything kept turning in my head but I am starting to feel a little calmer. I think you are probably right, Master of my Sea, that they have a guilty conscience and now project this onto me and want me to be silenced. I know that I have made a mistake that was serious enough to deserve dismissal but what I did not deserve is all the blaming and shaming that came along with it. This employer knew about my mental health issues but I received very little or no support with this or any of the other issues like workplace bullying or sexual harassment that I experienced whilst working there, so you are right that this was a toxic environment to be in.
I don't want to make excuses for what happened but I feel like my CPTSD and spending so much time in such an unhealthy environment were certainly contributing factors for my mistake but instead of receiving any kind of understanding, I only got terrible accusations and condemnation that really affected me very deeply and made me question myself more than ever before.
It's hard to keep believing in your own worth when others continue to treat you like this over many years, but your comments help me to see that the guilt is not my own. Even with all the things that happened to me in my life I would never treat another person like this. I would never judge everything they are and I certainly would never try to silence them for speaking their truth and trying to raise awareness for depression and CPTSD. To do something like this is just wrong and (at least to me) seems to be bordering on the illegal, but this is even more reason to try and walk on.

Thank you again for all your support and understanding in these difficult times 

[Papa Coco]

MilkandHoney,

I just read your story about how your former employer is harassing you so you won't expose them.  It reminds me of something I figured out a few months ago. The reality is that the ONE thing that will anger a bully the most is standing up to them. By telling the truth, they feel stood up to.  Bullies are fragile. VERY fragile. But they're fragility leads them to becoming irrationally dangerous.

This is true in pretty much every case of abusers vs. victim. Abusers just gets scared when they're stood up to. The shift in power terrifies their egos. And ego is their most important possession.

That being said, we, the victims of these bullies, just need to make sure we pick our battles. It's good to stand up to them, as we've seen in the Me-Too movement, but we need to be sure we're up for the challenge. Calling on Samaritans was you getting support for your own private position in this battle. Good plan! Knowing when you need help and being courageous enough to go get that help is you doing all the right things.

Whether you choose to delete the posts or keep them is up to you and how ready you feel to keep standing up to them. Being shut down and quieted has a misery all its own, and only you can know which brings you more peace; being open or being safe. Calling on support for your side of this story is the best thing you can do. No matter what you decide to do, keep your allies close. There's no shame in either decision.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you, Papa Coco, your support honestly means so incredibly much, I don't know whether I could move on without the support from all of you.
I have just been informed that my previous employer has just filed an official complaint against me, so I am now being investigated by a law firm and they will decide whether I might get banned from ever working in this field again.
I guess I have picked the wrong battle here and I don't know how to cope with all of this.
I'm so sorry to be whining but my entire career and future are at stake now and I just don't know how to deal with this in the state I am in.
I don't know, I think this is as much as I can write right now because I am starting to panic but knowing that you guys are there for me gives me strength

[paul72]

I'm sorry this is happening Milkandhoney
It sounds completely unfair.... I wish I was a lawyer or had any real wisdom in this area, but I dont
I hope you can find some calmness as you consider your choices.
Sending support and best wishes for clarity. 

[Master of my sea]

A lot is happening for you and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Do whatever it is you need to, to make yourself feel better.

Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you

[Papa Coco]

OH gosh, I'm SO SORRY to hear they've taken action.

This may sound like a Hallmark Greeting, but I truly believe it to be true: No matter how much grief they give you, no matter what changes they cause in your life, you can still come out of it stronger. I hope you don't have to leave your field of work, but even if you do, there may come a day when you realize it was the best thing that could have happened. So many people are forced to fundamentally change their lives due to uncontrollable circumstances.  I can't count the number of times I've heard people say, 'I wouldn't wish what happened to me anyone, but, in hindsight, I'm glad it made me who I am today."

Remember, Volcanoes destroy the existing landscape, but then they create a new one. Many gorgeous tropical islands are the result of devastating geological events of the past. And deep, rich forests grow from scorched earth.

These words may feel hollow and unhelpful right now, but I have great hope that whatever journey you're about to embark on with these monsters is temporary. 10 years from now you may look back and see that it led you to becoming stronger, and maybe even happier.

Still: I hope you are able to find a way to stop what they're doing to you. I can only imagine the panic you're feeling. I'm sort of feeling it with you. Lean on us. We're your allies. You're NOT alone in spirit.

[sanmagic7]

M&H, you're not whining, not at all.  we share our thoughts and feelings here, no matter what form they take.  i've actually also, at times, said i was whining while writing in my journal, and was gently but firmly told, w/ infinite patience that i wasn't whining.  we've got so much to sort thru, sift thru, realize, and all of those can bring up their own images, feelings, emotions, etc.  this is a safe place to put them.

i'm very sorry about your ex-employer situation.  sounds like you went thru a traumatic experience working there, and now you have to fight for your right to be who you are.  wish i could help more.  sending love and a hug full of compassion and support.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry milk and honey. This is a terrible thing to go through. I like Papa Coco's image of a volcano right now. This is tumultuous and difficult damaging and massively disruptive. But beauty can grow here in this spot that is in upheaval right now. I hope you can find and vaguely afford an employment lawyer soon to help you straighten this out and not be bullied. Having a lawyer of your own will help you not have to ruminate so much on whatifs because that will be that person's job. Love and hugs from me, too. Just literally hang in there. They don't deserve to hurt you. You can be angry and sad but don't let them cause physical harm. They are not worth that.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so, so much for all your kind words - to all of you.
I am feeling overwhelmed by the incredible amount of negative events and challenges I have had to face during the past few weeks and this day was probably the hardest of them all as I had to deal with these awful news and also learn about a death within the family.
Right now, it feels like a terrible situation to get through, but I still have the hope that things will get better.
Thank you for the idea of the volcano, Papa Coco, this is a wonderful image to keep me going.
It's tough and part of me is certainly panicking, but I am grateful to have you by my side and this gives me so much strength.

[dollyvee]

Hi milkandhoney,

I just want to echo Papa Coco's words that bullies don't like being stood up to. I had an experience where someone who said something sexually inappropriate to me came after me when I brought it to light at work. His colleagues still continue to bother me and I feel crazy at times as it's very passive aggressive, and I think people think I'm aggressive and the ones who's the issue.

It's hard to go through and stressful but I do believe at the end of the day you have the truth on your side, and I believe the truth always comes out in the end.

I hope you're able to do whatever you can to protect yourself. There are lawyers in the UK who sometimes work probono for employment rights. I would also see if you have the evidence to file a claim against this person and have it on record what they have done to you in the past, along with any evidence to back it up.

Sending you support,
dolly

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you, dolly, I appreciate your support a lot.
The last 48 hours have been some of the worst in my life with all the issues with my work and career and my grandfather dying, as well, so there are a lot of negative things happening at the same time and I am in quite an emotional turmoil. I haven't slept a wink and hardly managed to eat anything at all, so I cancelled the interviews scheduled for this week to protect myself. In a way, I feel like I've let myself down because I have now missed two very important opportunities but I have to acknowledge that I really am not feeling okay at the moment and that it would have been way too dangerous to even drive their given my current state. I am finding everything way too much at the moment and have had some very intense flashbacks and shakes that have left me feeling utterly overwhelmed and exhausted, so I am trying to take care of myself, even though I am struggling to feel much self-compassion at the moment.
I think the problem is that my whole future is now completely unclear and I don't know what is going to happen with my career, but I am condemned to wait for days, weeks, and possibly months without being able to do much about it. so, obviously there is a lot of unused time that is being filled by my inner critic/ trauma voice and I don't quite know how to escape it at the moment. I've tried to leave the house and go for a walk to distract myself and get fresh air but I haven't managed to do so because I was too shaky on my legs , so any outdoor activities seem to be a bit out of my league for now.
Everyone I ask keeps telling me that I should try to look ahead, pursue some hobbies, and keep working on my job situation but I feel that my pain is just too raw at the moment and I can hardly think ahead to the next day, let alone any future prospects. And, of course, this is making me feel very guilty again because I am too weak to function properly at the moment and can't seem to escape this terrible streak of EF after EF and panic attack after panic attack.
I know that what has happened is not the end of the world but from where I am standing at the moment it looks really quite hopeless and I am scared what the the future will bring and how much more pain is waiting for me in the days ahead whilst I have to undergo this nasty investigation issue and fight for myself when I have hardly any strength left inside of me.

[Master of my sea]

Sending gentle hugs (if you want them)

It pains me to hear that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry for your loss. It can be cruel what life decides to throw at us all at once.
I just want to remind you that, you are strong, you have survived 100% of your bad days so far and you will make it through this. You have a community behind you
Well done for taking the steps that you need to, to make yourself safe. No job or job interview is worth compromising your health. I understand how this could feel like you have let yourself down, but I personally think you have done the exact opposite. You are listening to yourself and you did what was best for you right now. There will be more opportunities. Your safety and getting yourself through this is the most important thing right now,

I'm sorry if this sounds really cliche but when taking things a day at a time is too much, it's ok to take it hour by hour, minute by minute or second by second. Take things as slowly as you need to. All of your fears, concerns and worries are understandable but try and be gentle with yourself. FBs and PAs are horrible and debilitating so please don't feel guilty for not being up at full steam.
Keep coming back here and letting it all out if that helps, we will always listen.

You are doing so well. You can get through this. Sending you so much support and care right now Milk and Honey

[Papa Coco]

M&H

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all the crapola that's coming at you at once. I feel like what MOMS said about taking it minute by minute is excellent advice.

There are times in our lives when moving forward can wait until tomorrow. We're on a pathway to the future, and anyone who's ever run or walked or hiked or biked a long distance knows that periods of rest are critical.

Now may be one of those times to retreat into taking care of yourself. You're in a horrendous storm, and when the storm is just too much to handle, hunkering down and taking care of yourself is what you do. 

A lot of the beautiful souls on this forum are probably wishing we could scoop in and help, and in a way we are. We are here to listen and send love and prove to you that you're not alone in this world.

Sending you love and support any way I can. Stay online with us. There's so much empathetic compassion here. Use it. We're here for you just like you're here for us.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so, so much, Papa Coco and Master of my Sea. Somehow you always find the right words at the right time and it really means a lot to have your support in these challenging times.
The pain, sadness, and fear are still very much present today and I struggled to do much because I was so overwhelmed by emotions that even the short trip to the supermarket felt like a journey through *, but at least I have managed to get a tiny bit of sleep and life seems a little more hopeful.
Being stuck in an EF is always such a raw, overwhelming experience and I feel tempted to just hide in bed and give in to the trauma voices screaming in my head, but I am slowly starting to think that I am actually making a tiny bit of progress.
I have finally managed to reach out to a trauma therapist and have a first consultation session scheduled for tomorrow, which feels like a huge step for me.
So far, I have never managed to ask for help from others because I was too ashamed and thought that I did not deserve any support. Even when I was really struggling with severe depression and daily panic attacks I thought that I had to deal with it all by myself because I couldn't let anyone see those dark parts of me.
However, being on this forum has helped me realise that I deserve to be seen fully and that it's okay to seek help when we are struggling. It feels so good to know that I have friends here that do understand what I am going through and still accept me, so this is giving me a new kind of strength and hope that I have never known before.
Thanks for always being there!

[Master of my sea]

Milk and Honey I want to say well done for getting out. I struggle so much with leaving my flat and going out and I completely get what you mean about how horrible a short trip to the shop can be. We have both managed to get out today so let's celebrate a win together shall we

Also well done for reaching out to a T. That is a huge step and a big way for you to take control of your healing journey. Go you!
It can be so scary reaching out and asking for help and most of us can resonate with feeling like we are not deserving of support. This is what we have been made to believe and feel throughout our lives. But you do deserve that support, absolutely you do!

There are more people in this world that care about than you imagine. You are so important and deserve to find your peace and happiness.
I hope you are proud of what you have achieved today