Milkandhoney's revovery journal

[milkandhoney11]

Thanks for all of your thoughts and hugs, it really means a lot.
My mum is out of hospital now and seems to be feeling a little better although she is still quite weak so I only managed to talk to her for 5 minutes in the phone. It was good to hear her voice after all that shock and worry but in a way it was even more upsetting and showed me once more how toxic my family really is.
One of the first things that she said was that the heart attack was probably caused by too much stress at work and by having to worry about me all the time- which definitely is not a nice thing to hear.
My mum's health has always been very fragile (she's had cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, a heart attack, and a lot of other illnesses) but somehow she and my dad always feel a need to make me responsible for all her suffering.
Mum has had a heart attack? It's just because she has been worrying too much about you recently.
Her insomnia is getting worse and she has hardly slept all week? Again, it's your fault because you are causing her too much distress.
These constant accusations and assignments of guilt never seem to step and I simply can't understand why they keep doing this to me. It started when I was only a year or two old and it never stopped, so of course I am feeling like a bad person that doesn't deserve to be happy, when all my life I have been told that I am only ever causing hurt and suffering to the people around me.
I guess part of me knows that this is nonsense and that my parents have no excuse to use me as a scapegoat like that, but it's hard to defy these thoughts when there seems to be such a wealth of evidence that I am indeed causing others to get hurt in a myriad of different ways...

[paul72]

Hi milkandhoney.
I'm sorry that you were blamed for your m's heart attack. That isn't fair at all.
I say that with authority unfortunately... I was blamed for my m's heart attack too... about 32-33 years ago.
You are NOT the cause.. please try to know that.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. Toxic indeed. I'm sorry they are blaming you and you are right this is not your fault. Oh I'm so angry at everyone for piling on you. No more! Stop! Just leave Milk and Honey in peace please so they can heal.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much, Phil and Armee, it feels so good to have your understanding in this situation and I am very glad to not be completely on my own. I have struggled a lot with feelings of loneliness and isolation over the past few days, so it means a lot to be able to come here and see that there are still some kind souls out there who care and understand.

Trigger warning:
It's a couple of years now that I first suspected I had been raped as a child. I had read some kind of story about a teenage boy who discovered that he had been raped by a relative when he was younger. I found the story very disturbing but something clearly resonated with me because I never forgot this moment. I started wondering whether something like this might have happened to me and the incident with the swimming pool came up but I had no recollection of anything sexual back then and so I pushed this idea to the edge of my mind. Most of the time it remained there, pretty much untouched for many years but whenever I heard similar stories of people who unravelled forgotten memories of being raped, the suspicion rose in me again.
So what if this really did happen to me? A few weeks ago I started having body tremors and panic attacks where parts of my body suddenly started shaking uncontrollably. Most of the time it was just my left arm that was affected but sometimes the shaking spread to other parts of my body, like the legs or even my head. I had never experienced this before but it reminded me of some descriptions I had heard on here.
So, when I started to experience the same I naturally started wondering whether my body was urging me to finally release some dark, dark memories that I had suppressed throughout many years because I didn't have the strength to cope with the trauma back then?
I started to explore this idea a little more thoroughly. At first there were still no pictures or sensations coming up when I tried to remember this particular incident but over time I started getting some sensations that seemed to indicate that I was raped. One after another a series of images started to come up in my mind and from time to time my body also started shaking when I currently reading or watching something as if to alert me to some important details that had something to do with my sexual assault.
I still have not been able to collect enough glimpses and memories to piece together a coherent narrative but I cannot deny that there is some evidence which seems to indicate that I have indeed been raped most cruelly when I was just three or four years old.
The part that I can clearly remember and that I have always carried with me even when I did not suspect anything like a rape, is the following: one morning I woke up very early in my grandparent's villa on Tenerife. Nobody else was awake, yet, but I was unable to fall back asleep and started wandering around the house. There was nothing for me to do and I was afraid to wake up my parents or grandparents because I knew that I would get into trouble if I disturbed their sleep. Instead, I went outside and decided to go for a swim in the pool. It was a nice, sunny morning and the water looked very intriguing so I tried to put on my inflatable swimming wings but couldn't quite work out how to blow them up and put them on. In the end, I decided that I would probably be fine, anyway, because I had been practising to swim with my dad and thought that I could manage without the help of the floats.
Making that decision is the last thing I remember. The rest remained blank for many, many years. I only knew what my parents have told me later: that I had nearly drowned in that swimming pool and only survived because one of the neighbours noticed me, climbed over the fence and saved me from the water. Yet, now there are a couple of more fragments and images that I was able to retrieve from somewhere deep inside my mind:
   - I can see a man's hairy pair of legs standing beside me as I am lying on the floor, dripping wet with water
   - As the man comes closer I notice his turquoise swimming briefs and the huge bulk protruding in front
   - I can feel a painful sensation in my side as I am pressed to the ground
   - The man touches my belly with the tip of his penis and then trails down towards my most intimate parts
   - I can feel something big and hard penetrating me and press my legs together but this only increases the pain
   - I stretch out my arms to ward the man off and say "Nein, bitte nicht, das tut weh" (No, please don't, that hurts), however the man doesn't listen, either because he doesn't understand German or because he doesn't want to listen
   - My legs are kicking helplessly out under the man's weight, my heel grazing against the floor
   - A tear is running down my right cheek
   - Being choked by a large hand, struggling to breathe
   - Feeling sick and feeling the urge to puke but being unable to

There are only so few fragments and yet so many missing memories that sometimes I wonder whether this really happened or whether this is just a strange imagination, some kind of nightmare that I have been telling myself to find an explanation for my pain.
I'm really not sure how to move on from this and what to do with these strange images coming up.
I guess since I was so young at that time (3 or 4 years old) it is only natural that I might not remember everything and that my memories remain very fragmented, but at the same time it makes me question whether this is actually true so I am not sure whether to bring this up with my T or anyone outside this forum. I just feel so overwhelmed with this situation and know that I need to tell someone about what is going on...
I am deeply sorry if this triggered you in any way, I most certainly did not want to cause any harm, I am just looking for some kind of relief and hope that writing about these things will help me release some of the pain and fear I have been feeling recently.

[Armee]

Hey.

Gosh I wish I could comfort you in some way. That seems very very clear to me and I am so sorry that happened to littlr tiny you.

Those memory fragments are clearer than anything I have experienced and I was 19 by the way.

One thing I've learned is the importance of trusting myself. Once I trusted myself a bit, more pieces clicked into place almost instantly. The knowing this happened but not believing myself stage was the worst. Worse than knowing and believing.

Because of everything you have going on I'd probably want to let my therapist know this too is there. I'd want my therapist to know any feelings I might be having about self harm or suicide as well. This is so together you can decide how to triage your healing from everything in a way that helps you heal and maintain stability and safety while you do that. Take your time. Rushing is often not the best course.

[Papa Coco]

Milkandhoney,

I feel the same way Armee does.

THANK YOU for having the courage to bring these memories to the forum.

My heart is aching over what you've said. I'm SO SORRY it happened to you.

---

What you are experiencing is very familiar to me. The first memories of being raped are extremely confusing. The brain has spent decades hiding the rape from us to protect us from going completely bonkers. Now, as some parts of your brain are willing to release these memories, it means that you're progressing in your healing to the point where your traumatized brain believes it to be safe to leak out just a little information. I believe it will stop here and patiently wait for you to become ready for the next level of information. It's a caring and loving way our brains release trauma at a pace that doesn't overwhelm us.

I am now a big fan of how our brains release information slowly at a pace we are able to accept. If your brain were to dump out the entire event at once now, you would be retraumatized just as badly as you were the first time it happened. Our traumas happened fast and, in most cases, unexpectedly, which shocks our brain into life-saving protective mode. To unravel the memories takes a very long time. Trust must be built between your brain and your heart.

I remembered my rape in much the same way you are remembering yours now. Body memories. Were they real? I wasn't sure. I remembered seeing the face of an older boy who lived across the street from me, and the clothing of a man. I felt pain in my rectum and a very intense sense of panic. I very clearly could feel the man's thick, black body hair. I could smell the linen of his clothing. I felt his body heat. For many years, I hid his identity from myself, and called him "the hot, hairy man". He was one of those men who put out more body heat than most people do. I felt his body laying on top of mine, sensed his body hair and his body heat, but could not see his face.

Then I spent the next 20 years worrying that I had dreamt the whole thing. I felt GUILTY for having the audacity to accuse two people of holding me down and raping me when I was 7.

Today, we have better therapy than we did then. I began my memory recall back when psychology was more like leaches and electric shock. Today, you have much, MUCH better resources to call on to help you gradually, carefully, go from that shock of body memory to total recall. For me, pushing it didn't work. Learning to accept that the visions and body sensations were real, allowed my brain to start releasing more information. Today I feel 95% sure that I remember what really did happen.

ALSO, People don't get C-PTSD for no reason. You and I are experiencing the lives of people who were raped as children. That is compelling evidence that something did happen. We don't live in trauma because we once had a dream. Trauma comes from actual events.

I'm SO SORRY that this happened to you. It is such a breach of trust that any adult would do this to any child, male or female. The effects of it are so far reaching that all I can say is I love you for what you're going through right now. I love myself for what I'm going through also. I love all the other men and women on this forum for what we are all going through right now. As painful as these memories are, to me, they feel like my brain is finally trusting me enough to release the information to me. Kind of a blessed struggle to find the truth.

If it were me, I wouldn't hesitate to mention this to your T. He or she is there to help, and the more you open up to them, the more help they can give.

I have little doubt that as you relax and allow yourself to believe your memories are real, that more and more information will be slowly, carefully, LOVINGLY released from your brain into your heart. Your brain may know it happened, while your kind, compassionate heart feels ashamed of accusing someone of it. At least that was my experience. But, after many years of accepting what my brain was giving, I've come to accept that what happened to me was not my fault, and was nothing I needed to be afraid of disclosing.

I'm grateful my brain took 5 decades to release it to me slowly so as to not traumatize me all over again. Your healing with happen faster than mine did because you have better support than I did. You have this forum, filled with people who share similar experiences, and a world of trauma therapists who write helpful books and share what they know with us now.

Love the little girl who was laying there. Hate the man with the bulging shorts. It's okay to hate those who intentionally hurt us. There's no punishment for loving ourselves and hating the criminals.

Hug, hug, hug. I feel what you're feeling and I, as well as many others here, are feeling it with you.

[sanmagic7]

M&H, i don't believe a 3-4 yr. old brain would/could make up something like that.  what happened to you . . . there is no way this was your fault.  that man, taking advantage of such a young child, forcing that child to do something that hurt, it's abominable.  i agree, i think you showed true courage to allow yourself to write about it here.  thank you for trusting us w/ it.

i believe you and this story would benefit from a therapist's knowledge and perspective.  the more your T knows, the more help they can give you.  i just want to wrap you up with love and gentleness in a hug of compassion and caring 

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much for your lovely messages, my friends, they mean so much to me
I wished I could have replied earlier but I seem to be stuck in a massive emotional flashback and I feel like I can't find my way out by myself.
Christmas time this year is proving so much more challenging than I expected it to be. I'm staying with my parents till after New Year's because I had booked my trip such a long time ago when I was still very much trauma bonded to my parents and had never even heard of the term CPTSD but I very much wished I could escape this situation somehow.
MY T said it's probably best because at least I will not be completely alone and isolated at that time and I guess she's right in a way (I've never been alone at Christmas and dread the idea) but that doesn't make it easier. It's hard to see how much my mum is struggling after her heart attack and it is even harder to endure my dad's constant criticism and misogyny now that I have seen through his façade and am very much aware of what is happening. I try to avoid being alone in a room with him at all times and make sure to not get trapped in  conversation with him but some of the things he says and does just make me feel incredibly angry.
Like why does he keep hugging me when I said I don't want to? why does he keep touching my bum? And why does he keep making terrible remarks about how he won't help with certain chores because such lowly work is only for women?
I'm not sure how I managed to cope with all of this so many years but now that I see how abusive that is I just want to cry... except that I don't feel safe here and try very hard to not let any of my emotions show.
Yet, the truth is that I am really struggling a lot and wished I could just let myself go for a moment and just scream or shout and cry all the tears building up inside of me.
I'm feeling like such a terrible person, like I am only ever a burden to others and shouldn't be here because all I've brought to into this world is just pain and even more pain.
Part of me knows, of course, that this is not true but I'm finding it incredibly hard to accept this because every moment I spend with my parents around makes me feel so dreadful and, of course, I still have all these issues with my work situation and all these terrible accusations against me to deal with.
I wished so much I could talk to my T (or anyone in general) about how terrible I'm feeling, but I'm just stuck here for the time being and the situation seems so so hopeless.

[CrackedIce]

I feel for your situation m&h... the anxiety of being around harmful family and not really being able to do anything about it, lest the mean little remarks like "oh you're being too sensitive" or "it's not a big deal" or "can't you just forgive and forget already?" come out, making things even worse.

When I find myself in a spot where my feelings are overwhelming me but I can't safely emote them, I try to get out in private somehow and let 'em loose.  Not sure if you have access to a car, or even just able to take a walk somewhere and let out a yell / squeeze something / run off some energy / cuddle with something soft / whatever works for you.

Even in my short time here I can see you're such a positive force of support and help on these forums.  You definitely deserve to be here.

Hope the holidays are uneventful for you in the best way, and you're able to find some relief

[paul72]

sending as much support and love as I can milkandhoney
I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position.
I hope you can focus on this time passing (it will pass)... and I love CrackedIce's idea about sneaking away as best and as much as you can.
If you can, be as kind to yourself as possible. And if you can't, please come here. We are all in your corner...
It's no small thing to be there like you are.. let us encourage you if we can.
I hope there is relief around the corner for you 

[sanmagic7]

o dear M&H, what a horrible situation to be stuck in.  may i join the others in hoping you can find some place to be on your own, take a break from the toxins surrounding you,

i want to reinforce what you already know not to be true -none of this is your fault, you didn't cause these people to be the way they are, no matter how much they might be suffering.  and those hugs and touches - yuck!  i'd try to keep my back to the wall as much as possible, i think.  no one should have to go thru this, not as a child nor an adult.  as phil said, we're here for you, in your corner.  we've got you.  love and a gentle caring hug, but only if it feels ok.  otherwise, just sending supportive vibes while you manage as best you can till this experience is over.

[Armee]

This is not your fault. You are not bad. You deserve a place on this planet. None of the things your parents are blaming you for are your fault and you are not crazy. This stuff they are doing is wrong. If you are feeling strong enough, perhaps experiment with setting some boundaries with your dad. It will tell you a lot if you ask him to please stop touching your bottom, it makes you feel uncomfortable, how he behaves after that will tell you a lot. Does he get defensive but stop? Does he do it again? This is a time that will allow you to observe what is happening and to start deciding what you want to do in the future.

[dollyvee]

Hi m&h,

Thank you for sharing and it really sorry that happened to you.

A friend said something last year that really blew my mind. He was talking about his dad, who most likely sounds like a narcissist, and he said that he doesn't owe his parents anything and he didn't ask to be brought into this world. I think it really should the foundation of my people pleasing nature that I grew up with. I also discovered that it wasn't just him that felt that way, other people did too; it's not just a crazy one off concept. I was born and conditioned into a way of thinking that wasn't good for me anc good for them, and I had to decide, in the words of a therapist, who's life is it anyways?

I'm sorry that your parents are making you feel guilty but you have the right to your own life too, one that makes you feel safe and happy.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Papa Coco]

M&H,

All I can do is mirror and second the sentiments the other forum members are giving you. It's all true. You don't deserve to be treated this way, and blood is NOT thicker than water. Being mistreated by your own family is the most disgusting crime I can think of. And I agree with you that you are not who you were when you booked that trip. You are no longer able to be fooled by your dad's unbelievable ignorance.  Your eyes have been opened, and you've found validation that you are right about them. Narcissists are incurably bad. In fact, narcissism gets worse with age...not better.

If you decide to stick it out, I hope the love of your friends on the forum will help soften the ignorance you're having to deal with for a week or so. But if you decide to call the airline and find a way out early, DON'T TELL your parents. Best to keep it a secret until the cab is honking outside, then run through the door yelling "BYE!" as you escape their torture chamber.

Either way, this will end soon, and I assume it will be your last trip home...forever.

I've been there. I escaped my family when I realized that they had finally gotten so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you, CrackedIce, for being so understanding and for giving me the advice to find some time for myself. I'm finding it really difficult to cope at the moment because everything my dad says or does is hugely triggering for me, but I'm trying to find a little bit of space where I can just let myself go and I feel it helps to spend some time on my own and come back to the forum after a long day of anxiety and upset.

Phil, thank you so much for "being in my corner". It's so wonderful to have you here and to know that I don't have to go through this on my own. Spending time amidst a family that doesn't really care about me and has never made an effort to try and understand what is going on inside me, feels very lonely and isolating at times but I know I am not alone anymore, so I'm sure I can cope somehow.

Sanmagic, thank you for being so understanding. I've told my dad several times that I don't want him to touch me because it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesn't care. According to him, he's "just trying to show me that he loves me" but when I said that he would let me be and accept my boundaries if that was truly the case, he laughed. And, as always, my mum is saying absolutely nothing. It's the way it has always been but I am starting to see how toxic this is and it feels good to hear that I'm not the only one who sees it that way. I've been taught to always see the problem within me and to feel guilty about everything that happens so part of me just wants to give in to his abuse and pretend I am not feeling anything, but I cant do this, anymore, and it's good to have your support as I try to be a little more assertive.

Armee, thank you so much for your kind, kind words, they have really brought tears to my eyes. Somehow I feel like my self-hatred is always strongest when I am around my family and the longer I am close to them the more I am starting to feel like an absolute failure, so it's good to be reminded that I deserve to be here and that I am not quite as terrible a human being as they perceive & treat me

Dolly, thank you for these wise words, I really needed to hear that. My T has once said something similar and made it very clear that I do not owe my parents anything but it is taking a very long time to sink in, so the more often I am reminded the better. They seem to think that they have done their very best as parents and that it is rather me that is the problem but I know that that's not okay and I am very much aware of all the suffering they have caused me, so I don't owe them anything more than just the most basic human respect, certainly not the kind of obedience they expect from me.

PC,
thank you so much for your understanding. I am very tempted to leave but it seems impossible right now, so I am just focusing on coping with this one day at a time and then find a solution to avoid ever being in a similar situation again. I've been trying to stick to my boundaries and really make it clear that I don't want to be touched in this way but I'm finding it hard because I am too much of a fawn type myself and don't want to cause anyone any hurt. My dad has long achieved mastery in hurting everyone around him but making others believe that he is the real victim, so it's hard to fight against this kind of behaviour. Every time I try to set a boundary he just says "You're being unfair, I haven't done anything to you and I don't deserve to be treated this way, after all I'm still your father"
Part of me just wants to scream in his face and list all the ways he has indeed hurt and abused me but I know this is only going to cause even more hurt because I have seen how they treated my sister when she did that a couple of years ago.
He remains a terrible narcissist and I know he will never change, so why even try to make him realise what he has done to me? I don't have the necessary strength for this and I doubt it would do any good, so I am just trying to get through these few days somehow and then find a way to prevent this from ever happening again as I need to protect myself from their constant abuse

Thank you all so much for being at my side as I try to navigate this I really appreciate it