Starting Out

[OwnSide]

[My apologies for editing]

I hope I'm ready for this because I'm a bit terrified of being seen but at the same time tired of hiding so much.

It's the middle of the night where I am. I'm thinking again how its been a while since I've been to T. It plays out like a conversation, where I try to explain myself in a way that makes sense -- a lot of my thoughts trend that way. And for context, I was seeing a T at my university but when I graduated I decided to try this organization that offers free services for youth, including drop-in counselling sessions.

That was working for me for a while. And while my FOO knows I go to therapy, I've been a bit more secretive about it lately because, well, I'm no longer discussing "just" anxiety. So I've been calling them "appointments". I have them on the computer. And I guess referring to them that way made them indistinguishable from the other appointments I have on the computer, meetings with people for school and such.

My M made a couple of little comments about these appointments. Like how one of them seemed long, or that it was "annoying" that I had to go to so many. There are multiple ways to interpret that statement but the way I interpreted it was "It annoys me that you're going to so many appointments." They were counselling appointments! And she couldn't have known that because I didn't tell her, but good grief, that was not what I needed to hear.

So now... now, every time I go to book a session, my brain kicks into overdrive. Trying to calculate how I can do this without "annoying" her. Trying to figure out if I really "need" it right now, or if I can hold out. There's this CBT group that started shortly after that, that I had signed up for a while ago, and I thought maybe I could get by on that (because one appointment a week is annoying enough, right?) but it's more like a class than a therapy session. And while my M hasn't complained about it, I still have to navigate this fear when I think of adding more. It's sort of easier to just tell myself I'm fine. But I'm not fine.

I've just about got a session booked now. It's with my T from university (she also does private practice) and I haven't seen her since the summer so I've got a lot to catch her up on. I need someone familiar. And so I was explaining all this to her, in my head, and thinking, Wow. My M's annoyance has a lot of power over me. And I realized that many of the times I've been hurt, it's because she got annoyed and said something to me. And how much sense it would make for my body to develop such a high sensitivity to this emotion, in her, as sort of an early warning system. Appease, before things get worse! Avoid further trauma.

It sounds basic when I write it like that but what came over me emotionally was a sense of understanding and acceptance for my own sensitivity, a trait that's brought me a lot of shame over the years. My body is just trying to protect me. That's what I wanted to share.

[milkandhoney11]

Hi OwnSide,
I'm glad you're giving this a go. I've only very recently started my own recovery journal on here and it is very scary to open up about your feelings but I find that it helps me a lot, so I hope it will do the same for you.
I understand how hard it is to deal with all of this when you don't get support from your parents. I have never managed to tell my parents about my anxiety or depression because I know their reaction would not be positive at all, so much like you I am trying to hide everything I am going through and just hope I can find a way to cope with this all by myself.
Of course, I don't know what your relationship to your FOO is really like but I feel like your own welfare is more important than your M's anger. If you feel like you need therapy because you are struggling than this should be the most paramount consideration.
I completely understand how hard it is to stand up for yourself when you're scared of other people's reaction but I hope that you can find the courage to do what is best for yourself. You matter and your feelings matter, so it's absolutely okay to get the support you need, even if it's at the expense of angering your M. Your inner trauma voice may be screaming at you to just hold on a little longer because you are scared to get hurt again by your M, but to me it sounds as if you are already hurting, anyway, and absolutely deserve the help of a T.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, I just want to let you know that I'm on your side and always here to listen if you need someone

[Armee]

Hi I'm glad you are here and started a journal. Living with your mom sounds oppressive. And many of us even with loving supportive people in our lives are just super secretive about anything we do with our time. Your mom must be very controlling if you are out of university but she still tracks your whereabouts by the hour and looks at your calendar. It makes me shudder to think of being that closely watched and I'm sorry that's happening to you I'm glad you are back with your former T.

[Master of my sea]

Hey OwnSide,

Well done on starting a journal, it is a big step. To start to speak openly about the pain and trauma we have experienced or are experiencing is a huge step. I hope you are proud of yourself 
I'm pleased to hear that you have got back in touch with your original T. Shows there is a level of trust and security there and that's good.

I'm sorry to hear that you are getting these comments from your M. Comments like these have such an impact on people like us. We take them to heart and it is engrained in us to keep those around us happy. But your happiness and peace is important too. If you feel that you need the therapy than no one can tell you otherwise.
The need to appease is typical of a Fawn type or a 'people-pleaser'. We appease to stop any confrontation before it can ever happen or before a situation can get any worse. This is a trauma response.
You are not annoying for getting yourself some help. You are taking care of yourself and that is the most important thing.

I hope you find your journal a useful tool in your healing process. I know mine has helped me unjumble a whole bunch of mess in my head. It's a safe place that you can use as an outlet for whatever is happening. It doesn't have to just be the negative or the bad. This is your space and you can use it as you need. No one here will find you annoying that's for sure.

[OwnSide]

[My apologies for editing]

Thanks everybody for the validation! 

Oh Armee, my M doesn't have the energy to track me. I think the only reason she noticed at all are because the appointments fit right into that hectic time slot where everyone's getting home from work and trying to make dinner and pack lunches and clean up the kitchen and feed/bathe/entertain my sister, etc, and that's harder when I'm not around to help. (And she says she doesn't expect me to help, but her burnout speaks louder than words so I often find myself jumping in to rescue her. Less so now that I've noticed I do this.) Anyway, when I read what you wrote, I got this burning urge to clarify that she hardly watches me at all! She can't, she's too busy trying to work full time and look after my sister and probably suppress her own feelings and trauma and squeeze in a morsel of sleep somewhere in the middle. But you've got me thinking about how things were before. When our family was just the two of us, enmeshed. I think there's probably a lot to unpack there that would help explain my present feelings and behaviours, so I'll keep you posted.

What I wanted to post about today was that I met an inner child!  I've been trying to figure out some of these "modes" I get into (they are not separate identities per se but more like characters in a videogame, where I feel like I'm "me" the whole time, playing as all the characters, but each character has different stats, abilities, etc. That's my conceptualization so far). Anyway I spent the morning in this, like, self-pitying mode, just kind of wallowing in some things I was remembering and the impact they'd had on me. And when I finally got up I was like, "Okay, who was that?" And this feeling came over me of like a lonely ten-year-old version of myself, and the name Sadie came to my mind, and when those two things came together all of a sudden it was like she was in the room with me. I could practically see her sitting there on the couch and I was like, "Is that you?" and it was and I went over and hugged her and told her I was so sorry she was feeling this way.

Very emotional experience! Feels a little weird to write down but if this could make sense anywhere, it'd be here. I saw her again later. I was thinking about messaging my friend with DID about what had happened (you know, reaching out) and I felt this fear of like, being seen? Admitting to having feelings? While also wanting those things very badly at the same time? And it was her. So I told her I'd help her reach out.

[Armee]

Ah thanks for clarifying, I apologize for jumping to conclusions! That sounds stressful and chaotic in the house!

That's really cool you met Sadie and I bet your friend would welcome the opportunity to talk more openly about parts. I'd be curious too what they have to say. I relate to what you say about different roles and I don't get where the line is between parts, OSDD, and DID.

[OwnSide]

Ah thanks for clarifying, I apologize for jumping to conclusions! That sounds stressful and chaotic in the house!

That's really cool you met Sadie and I bet your friend would welcome the opportunity to talk more openly about parts. I'd be curious too what they have to say. I relate to what you say about different roles and I don't get where the line is between parts, OSDD, and DID.

It's all good, I know you were coming from a place of empathy. And it's hard to accurately relay such nuanced situations on the first pass. (For example, the little comment was just one of a number of factors that contributed to my delaying therapy. I didn't want to get into all of them!)

I haven't looked too deeply into OSDD and DID but my friend says what I do sounds more like OSDD. I believe with DID you have alters that are completely separate, that don't know the others are there. And highly developed personalities. He talks about his alters having different ages, genders, sexualities, even heights (that don't match his own, physical stature).

Edit: I hopped over to your recovery journal and I can see you've already been looking into this for some time. I wish I could offer more. My heart is with you tonight.

[Master of my sea]

Hi OwnSide,

It's an experience when we communicate with these parts of us isn't it?
I wonder if you have heard of IFS? It's something I am really new to, I started looking into it after some recommendations here on the forum. It stands for Internal Family Systems. It's all about connecting, healing and unburdening our parts and we can do this by accessing our Core Self. Self approaches everything with love and compassion and kindness. We have Protectors that spring into action when one of our Exiles is triggered and if we access Self we can talk to those Protectors, thank them for everything they have done and show them that we are different people now and need to find new ways to handle things. Once we have calmed the Protector we can ask them to step back and allow access to our Exile, from there we can then work on unburdening our Exile.
This is a very basic description and someone like Papa Coco can explain it much better than me There is a good book on IFS called Self-Therapy and there is also a thread on the forum dedicated to IFS work.
What you have described with meeting Sadie sounds very much like an IFS exercise and there might be some helpful information for you over on the thread and in the book. If that is something that interests you. Like any therapy, it's what works for you

I think it was a kind and good thing you did to go and comfort Sadie and acknowledge her feelings.

[Armee]

I understand. It is hard to be too nuanced in writing.

Thanks for sharing how your friend experiences it. And I guess with the dissociative disorders being a continuum it makes sense it is hard sometimes to figure out where on the line. 

[OwnSide]

Can I just say sometimes when I write these things I describe things as I perceive them in the moment and not how they actually are? Like, my mom has generally been supportive of therapy. She was one of the people I talked to when I was first thinking about trying it. And when she said, "Everyone could use therapy," I felt like, oh, okay, this isn't weird. I could try this.

Also that CBT group I've been attending weekly? She writes it on the family calendar to remind herself that I'm busy at that time. No annoyance at all. So... I'm not going to say I was reacting to nothing, because that was my narrative for years and I know now that I'm not. But I do think processing people's anger, even in small, fleeting quantities, is a real issue for me. I think I make connections that aren't true but reflect some past truth... which must be really difficult to read into as a third party. So please bear with me. I am practicing.

I went to therapy on Thursday. I had a lot to catch her up on and she affirmed for me that this is heavy stuff. A lot of emotional work I've been doing. At the end we hugged (with consent) and she said, "Much care to you," and I wanted to pass that on to anyone else in need of compassion.

I recently discovered my emotional regulation shoots up when I get more sleep (about 10 hours, rather than the usual 7-8), so I am trying to be consistent with that. The sheer volume of thought I've been experiencing has been astounding. I've got about a dozen posts I want to make. All in my own time, I suppose.

I have heard of IFS and I'm considering it for the future. Right now I want to focus on building my own model for conceptualizing myself. Thank you for the recommendation, Master of my Sea.

[OwnSide]

Something I've been trying to do over the last little bit is come to a place of anger. It seemed like the prescribed path. To recognize injustice so you can heal. And when you read about trauma bonding, it describes how you become compelled to defend the person who's hurting you, which perpetuates the cycle. So I thought, yes. Anger. Let's make it happen.

And I don't know if I'm just not ready yet, or if it's not part of the path for me. But when I was with my therapist, she reflected the empathy I was expressing towards my mom, and it felt like relief. To be allowed to feel that. I feel like she's one of us, if I'm allowed to say that. She was launched from a childhood of emotional neglect straight into single parenthood, as a teenager, and she vowed to do better. To be someone I could talk to, to be the kind of parent she didn't have. It's a little unfortunate that the 180 degree turn landed us in enmeshment. But every day I'm struck by how she didn't just give me trauma; she also gave me tools to overcome it.

I won't rule out having anger play a role in my future. Maybe once I've moved out on my own and gotten some distance. And I've been watching it flare up as part of the myriad of emotions that rises whenever my mom snaps at my sister. But... I don't think I'm going to push it, for now. I think it's okay for me to include her side of the story for as long as I feel I need to. She doing her best. And it's really, really important for me that other people know that.

[Armee]

I get that, from personal experience myself too. Your mom sounds like all of us...complex, human.

[dollyvee]

HI Ownside,

I read your journal and wanted to pop by and say it sounds like you have a some distance and reflection about things that are going on with you. That always seems to help.

I think I was in a similar situation with my family and had anger but also affection for them and the things they went through. I found it a difficult position to navigate at times. For me, I was taught from a young age that I was to be a people pleaser in my family, so it was very easy to put others' needs before my own and seemed like the natural and "good" thing to do - this is the tricky part. I think it took me a long time to recognize what healthy anger was/is when people overstep my boundaries and is something I'm still working on.

I posted about it elsewhere on the forum but Mark Woylnn's book, It Doesn't Start With You on generational trauma is a great read.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Ownside,

It was recently taught to me that anger is a secondary emotion--more of a tool in our prewired human toolbox to allow us to protect ourselves. Anger was taken from us by our abusers who wanted us to be willing servants, and willing scapegoats for their own sins. Oddly, the therapist who taught this to me also tried to get me to "scream into a pillow" so I could...I don't know...activate it? To me, that's asking a lamb to run up and strike at a hungry wolf with a pillow. Naturally it didn't work. That's just another CBT trick that, in my opinion, should never be used in a trauma therapy strategy. My anger has been trained out of me by 50 years of my abusers teaching me that anger made me a bad person. My good old mom even drummed it into my head that I'd die of a stroke if I EVER expressed anger, ever, in any situation, and that I was NEVER allowed to defend myself from her, or from anyone else for any reason. She wanted me to feel sorry for her for being the mean person she was, not to defend myself against her selfish manipulations. What kind of a servant would I be if I defended myself, right?

For me, if anger is a secondary emotion, or a tool to help me defend myself, then what I do now is I try to love myself. I'm trying and trying, and making slowwww progress, beginning to just barely start to believe that I have the same right to be alive as anyone else does. As I'm finding my love for myself, I no longer feel like I have to find my anger...it's finding me.  It's a natural trigger for protection. So by focusing on loving myself, the trigger is slowly coming back to life.

Any time I go public by "tattling" on what these people really did to me, a little of my anger finds me. I feel like I'm finally standing up for myself by sharing what my parents did, and what religion did, and what bullies did to me. The more I expose their dirty little secrets, the more I feel like my anger is starting to glow just a bit brighter and in a healthy, strong, healing way.

I don't pretend to know the answers for other people, but I hope that by sharing what's been helping me, maybe there's some food for thought in how focusing my pursuit on finding self-love is sort of making a few of the other dominoes fall into place for me.

[OwnSide]

That's really insightful, Papa Coco. Thank you. (Also being threatened with death by stroke for having feelings? Horrifying. I think it's very brave of you to be finding yourself the way that you are  ).

Thank you for the book recommendation, dolly, I'll add it to my list. I've got The Body Keeps Score on hold at my local library and looking forward to reading that too.