Outer Critic

[Autodidact]

Hi fam,

I've been having a * of a time with my outer critic attacking my relationships attempting to isolate me. I have a long history of running from relationships that are good for me and that make me happy and isolating deeply. I actually have a pretty full life, full of people who love me and are patient with me but because of my deeply isolated childhood and primary caregivers punishing me by isolating me it's apparently become one of my coping mechanisms.

How did you all deal with your outer critic? What was particularly successful for you? What was less helpful?

(Pete Walker's def of Outer Critic: The outer critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self. It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals.

The outer critic builds fortresses of isolation whose walls are enumerations of the exaggerated shortcomings and potential treacheries of others. In an awful irony, the critic attempts to protect us from abandonment by scaring us further into it.")

[rainydiary]

The outer critic is really hard and I sabotage a lot of relationships.  I think something that has helped me is to work with my inner critic and really focus on what helps me feel comfortable.  I also have found a few people that listen to me without much judgment and that has helped a lot.

My outer critic often comes up when I am feeling defensive and afraid and unsure.  It is in some ways a protective measure even if it isn't that great at protecting us from hurt.

I notice that a lot of times my outer critic wants to criticize things that if I was in the other person's shoes I might also do.  So that gives me some distance to give that other person some understanding.

I had a conflict (or what I perceived to be a conflict) with someone that I had been feeling really comfortable with.  I've been really upset about it and have been complaining about her as a result.  Today we were in touch and I said to her, "I'm worried that my complaining about XXX has put some distance between us."  So sometimes saying my struggle has helped.