New Australian 43 y/o Male

[DogMan]

Hi

I don't know where to start. I have a few comorbidities. Trauma response wasn't overly prominent for a long time. 200 days hard lock down in my city for the pandemic seemed to surface a lot

First came intense flashbacks of a single session which I had with a psychologist in 2016

I avoided psychologists until this September

My history is complex. My mum is deaf and doesn't speak sign language. It is difficult to give that perspective, but it makes for an interesting upbringing. My dad lived with us until I was 5 and was physically abusive. A friend of the family raped me on a holiday, the main thing that stuck with me is how rehearsed and routine it seemed for him. An older teenage neighbour sexually abused me

When I was around 13, mum hooked up with a female lover. We moved a couple of times in quick succession, so 3 schools in year 7. When that relationship failed, mum moved and I wanted stability so chose to stay with step family and cut off contact with my birth family

Then, until I was 18 it was just unusual. I was coerced to work night shift after school, limited to 2 hours sleep a night, mentally abused with threats of violence

I moved to the country for college. I mostly don't remember much. I moved again to another state for postgrad, had a psychotic breakdown, was diagnosed schizophrenic

I worked for 6 years in an industry other than what I studied. The tail end of that involved bullying including violence which was condoned by the director

Around 2015 until 2022 I received less than ideal medical care, which was traumatic. Medical care is made worse by sleep being a trigger for me. It's really complicated, i mentioned the forced sleep deprivation, and there are a bunch of isolated burglary while I slept etc that also complicate sleep. And mental health practitioners are obsessed with sleep

I'm now in an outpatient program at public hospital. And seeing a private psychologist. The psychologist is mostly working with CPTSD. The hospital is more focused on OCD and ASD, with my GP saying that I am currently psychotic. I don't know who is more right or wrong

I just came across this forum searching amygdala hijack for therapy homework. My therapist suspects that is currently generating the voices and some paranoia and emotional flashbacks

[Armee]

I'm so sorry all this happened to you, but glad you found this forum on accident.

That's a lot that's happened to you and trauma and dissociation can have signs similar to schizophrenia. They can of course be comorbid, too. But voices and even hallucinations can be a trauma response. A key difference seems to be if you know they are not real. Like you are aware they are hallucinations (or perhaps flashbacks?).

I'm sorry you went through so much. It's a lot and certainly stuff that would result in complex PTSD and then some.

[dollyvee]

Hi Dogman,

I'm sorry that's happened to you. I can understand that with such a fractured upbringing and traumatic background, it would be hard to have a stable sense of self. Perhaps once you begin to process things the voices will quiet down. I think there are a lot of us on here that have had experience with inner voices which are not necessarily DID or schizophrenic. One thing that helped me a lot is Internal Family Systems or IFS, and how we are actually a collection of multiple personalities formed around events that happened to us in our lives.

Self Therapy by Jay Earley might be a good place to start or there are some talks on youtube by Richard Schwartz the creator of IFS. It was a game changer for me.

Sending you support,
dolly

[DogMan]

Thank you both

[Papa Coco]

Hi Dogman,

Welcome to the forum.

Glad to hear you're getting help with the complexities of your upbringing. Your upbringing definitely brought a lot of trauma for you to have to deal with. I second the suggestion to read Self Therapy by Jay Earley. Also, the fantastic book called Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker. That book does a great job of explaining Complex-PTSD and why we respond to it in the ways that we do. These two books help me tremendously.

I hope you find this forum to be helpful. I have found it to be one of the more critical positive boosts to me as I navigate my way into feeling like I can regain control of my own life from my own trauma responses. The people on this forum allow me to air my own stories, and they share their stories with me. I share any good information I find about our condition with them and they share there's with me. I believe we humans are stronger when we have like-minded peers at our side as we tackle life's complications. I feel like that old saying, "we have two hands, one to give with and one to receive with" rings true here on this forum.

Healing from these unmanageable childhoods we've survived is best handled by a multi-pronged approach. Personally, I have a therapist. I participate in Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I read good books on the topic of trauma and recovery. I've cleaned myself up from alcoholism. And I share my healing journey here on this forum where I've found people who I don't need to explain my irrational fears and reactions to, because they have C-PTSD also, and they already know why I do things that don't make sense to others in my life.

If you're in Australia, then I'm 17 hours behind you as I live on the West Coast of the U.S.

Again, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you joined.

[Master of my sea]

Hi Dogman

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us. The people here are good and genuine and truly understand.

I am sorry to hear of all that you have gone through. I hope you find this a safe space to help you as you go on this journey.

[DogMan]

Thanks

I have Pete walker's audio book. It is slow going. I just struggle with 40 minute chapters ATM

[La Peregrina]

I am currently listening to the audio version as well.  Slow going for me too.  But I am determined to hear it through once then go back and read sections at a time in more depth.  Its a lot to process, so I am not going to try to eat that elephant i  one sitting, something I am prone to trying.  Changing my habits by being more aware of them.  Never easy but I am hopeful that we both will find here the acceptance and support from those who understand what its lime to grapple with this.  Best wishes to us both.  Will be posting my inteoductory post soon. 

[Not Alone]

DogMan, I feel sad for all the pain and abuse that you have experienced. Welcome to OOTS.