DogMan's Journal

[DogMan]

I don't know where to start with this

I want mostly to focus on the here and now

I live 5km from the beach. Port Phillip Bay. I walk most mornings about 4km. I aim for dawn to avoid people. Dawn also maximises puppers, since local beaches restrict dogs during the day

I generally enjoy cooking. But haven't for quite a while

I live with my 70 year old mother

I have 2 parrots, cockatiels. Quack and Ollie. Quack was named after a phrase that a Kid who I worked with used. I worked with 2 year olds. A pair of twins were trilingual and didn't particularly grasp any of them. So birds were "Quack Quack". Ollie was named after John Olsen the painter

My diagnosis from 2003 to 2022 was schizoaffective disorder

February 2022, after 200 days hard lockdown in my city, I was referred to the hospital crisis team. After about 7 years of just GP and Allied Health

CATT psychiatrist indicated that risperidone and valproate needed tweaking. But wanted a regular psychiatrist

March the new psychiatrist, going largely on case manager notes and not speaking to me, said OCD with Grumpy Old Man Letters as compulsions. And possibly autism

He changed duloxetine to sertraline. I am still tweaking dose, having been on 180mg duloxetine which is a lot

I am on my 3rd case manager. 1st had a baby and left. Second, I reported to the Mental Health Complaints Commissioner and applied for a new one. Current case manager is OK. He is not the most knowledgeable. But he is clueless with youthful vigour and friendly

I started with a psychologist in September. My history with psychologists is quite jaded. I sent a list of questions to upwards of 20 psychologists. Most were either not taking patients or told me that I was outside their scope

One psychologist an hour travel away contacted me and brainstormed ways to make me feel safe in first appointment. I kept her

We have done 9 sessions. Her big thing is Focusing Oriented Therapy focusing.org

I benefit from it. It makes Therapy accessible to me

My psychiatrist and case manager are through the public system, so free

Psychologist is private practice so fees. Here, we can get 10 sessions a year subsidised. Then full fees. I have to plan next year and be prepared for $220 a session

I am on a disability pension. I previously worked in a handbag factory, went to art school, worked in child care, started a masters in information technology until my housemate accidentally burned my house down, I worked part time as a school crossing supervisor, and briefly door knocking for charity. But I am not cut out to work

More later

[DogMan]

TW physical abuse, neglect

My life has been fragmented, and even I struggle to tie the chapters together. I'll make the next few posts chapters

0-5 I lived with both parents

Mum is deaf and doesn't speak sign language. She has an implant now, but used to rely on lip reading

People ask how we communicate and I reply "With great difficulty"

Gin was her drink of choice. About 50:50 gin:tonic strong

Dad worked shifts and also drank. I don't have many memories other than a few visuals of beatings with anything that was around, shoes etc

[DogMan]

TW neglect CSA

5-12 Mum single parented

She was  farm girl, early riser and early sleeper, which was probably also owing to aforementioned gin

We were always fed. Not particularly good food but fed. I never knew take away existed until I was 12. We were quite poor

Mum was in a current affairs magazine and also a TV program about poverty in Australia

Us 4 kids probably did a lot for ourselves

I got $2 pocket money (allowance) a week and would go and layby/layaway things. I saved up that way and bought an atari video game system. These laybys led to my 2 older sisters believing that I was spoiled compared to the other 3. And with periods of no contact the grudge got strong over time

I was raped by a friend of the family, and sexually assaulted by a neighbour. Looking back on the rape, I was almost certainly drugged

I'm not sure what happened. That family friend soon stopped visiting. I continued talking about him so mum got him over... he stood on the front lawn ashamedly apologising and left

[DogMan]

TW emotional abuse

12-14 were with my mum and her new female partner

I don't remember much. But step mum taught us that everything was stupid, including my name. So I use a different variant of the same name ever since

My dad died around 1993

We visited him in hospital in the outback. Nobody told me that he was dying with lung cancer, just that he was sick

So when he asked "Do you feel angry?" I replied "Why would I?". He laughed, coughed hysterically. The nurse put him on oxygen and ushered us out. Then came and said "He's gone"

Nobody explained to a 13 year old that that meant that he died until the funeral

The funeral was no frills. I just remember digging the hole in the heavy clay soil in the rain, and not having the strength. Then getting in trouble because boys should just instinctively know how to dig holes

[DogMan]

TW emotional abuse, something resembling coercive control and financial abuse

14-18 Mum moved out. I stayed with steps and severed contact with FOO other than 1 sister

I don't remember much. But i worked night shift, was limited to 2 hours  sleep a night, but never kept the money

The family's gaslighting about FOO got worse and worse

[DogMan]

18-21 I was in college I had moved to the country

I worked frantically

My interpersonal relationships were quite bad. I had a girl friend who I lived with for 3 years. I wasn't very nice to her, I didn't know any different

I had hallucinations, but not in a detrmental way, I just coped

[DogMan]

2003 doing honours in a different state I don't remember at all for the most part

I had zero support network or Protective Factors

I was referred to CAT team and started risperidone

[DogMan]

TW workplace bullying

I then fell into a job in child care

It was OK, until it wasn't

I became the scapegoat. I was emotionally and physically abused

The physical abuser was a female 1 foot shorter than me. But if I stood up for myself, I'd be fired. She even assaulted me and tackled me in a staff meeting of 20 staff, and nothing happened to her

[DogMan]

And just briefly, my old psychiatrist left in 2015. Between then and this february were marred by medical gaslighting and I'm a bit foggy on what was paranoia what was legit

My therapist since September raised CPTSD

[Papa Coco]

Dogman,

I'm so very impressed by your awareness of the abuse and neglect you've endured. I say this because it is all too common for people with severe trauma reactions to continue to say, "I don't know why I'm so traumatized, my childhood wasn't that bad."  Minimizing our childhoods is common with us C-PTSD survivors. Getting past the minimizing is often the first hurdle.

I feel great compassion for everything you've said in your journal. I hope this peer group that you've joined here in the OOTS forum is a positive stronghold for you as you navigate the healing process. Going it alone is not a great way to handle your healing. Having peers to feel any sense of connection with can provide a surprising boost just by not feeling alone. You're not alone.

I'm glad you are using this forum to release your inner dialogue out into a safe place, and to share in our compassion for each other.

[Armee]

Thank you for trusting us, to share here. In addition to giving support when we can, we all learn from each other here, just through the act of sharing what we are going through.

I like how your new T contacted you to think about how to help therapy feel safe. So different from the ones "not taking new Clients "

I also like how you broke these posts into chapters, reflective of how disjointed life has felt. And that your walks are timed to minimize seeing people and maximize seeing dogs.

I look forward to learning from your posts and I am sorry for everything you've been through, personally and medically.

[DogMan]

Thanks to you both

I don't think that these photos identify location beyond Port Philip Bay in Melbourne

The foam just happens when there is a lot of organic matter locally. It comes and goes

[DogMan]

I don't know if I have mentioned that I have to do an autism assessment? I think I have to delay it until I get these experiences and nerves under control. The appointments are longer than I can deal with just now

[Papa Coco]

Dogman,

My eldest son, my wife and one of my grandsons are on the spectrum. I see both sides of the coin; their struggles as well as their strengths. By and large I tend to be drawn into friendships with people on the spectrum. For me, it's the no-nonsense way they see the world, and the intense honesty they give to me. I find myself more able to trust people on the spectrum who tell me what they really think, than I do people who are more okay with politely lying to say what I want to hear. My wife's autism spectrum is one of the top reasons I've been able to stay married to her for 40 years. I have such major trust issues, that I most likely would never have been able to stay with any other kind of person. She's the yin to my yang.

And talent. Some of the most talented people I've ever known have been on the spectrum.

To be honest, you're not surprising me with this post. When I saw the intense power of your artwork, that kind of cinched it for me. I'm happy to hear that when you get the experiences under control, you're going to do an assessment.

[DogMan]

Thanks papa coco. You are so attentive to everyone's posts

I have been reading a little about Structural dissociation of the personality. I want to discuss this with psychologist next appointment

Thursday is medical officer.