DogMan's Journal

[DogMan]

Lots of jellyfish on the beach today

I had medical officer at the hospital today. A new one. She was OK but talks really fast. I talk slow and pause a lot

She said to give the sertraline increase 8 weeks
Valproate blood levels were low. She's checking with consultant how much that matters
She says the voices are because of my mood

Lots of questions about lifestyle, and I got all trembly like a sissy doofus

[paul72]

hi DogMan

I wanted to thank you for sharing... but also mention something about trembling.
I almost always shake, and I have for as long as I can remember (at least 35 years)
I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about or feel bad about, especially at a medical professional's.
I remember trembling at the doctor's the last time I was there too.
Anxiety definitely adds to it... so a medical appointment would definitely make it worse. (what if they realize how messed up I am?)

I just wanted to encourage you to accept them at least a little. It doesn't make you silly, or in any way bad or less worthy.
We all have trauma to release and I believe shaking is one way the body does it.
There is definite ease for me when I shake, provided I don't try to stop it.

Anyway, wishing you much peace.. and a hope that your day is going better.

[Armee]

I agree with Phil, that there is power and strength in trembling. You aren't a silly doofus. You have been hurt and are trying to feel better.

[DogMan]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z41x1BaXMdE

thanks Phil and Armee

Yes, shaking is good release. I think I just posted it as indicator of my state

[paul72]

I just LOVE videos like that.. thank you
It feels like a weakness to shake, for sure. It's why I try to hide it as best I can usually.
But, it's such a gift to shake.. i have to remind myself of this all the time

[DogMan]

Rang case manager. I got voicemail

I Rang back an hour later. Receptionist grumpily said that she got the first message and passed it on

No return call by 5pm on a Friday

Given that ringing him is my official safety plan, that kind of sucks

I'm not in crisis, but I could have been

I just wanted to vent that the new doctor just reinforced my belief that health professionals only want to control people

[Armee]

The new doctor sounded pretty dismissive.

I hope your new Therapist can help get everyone on the same page.

It's scary to think your safety plan could have fallen thru if you had been in a crisis. Keep advocating for what you need. I'm sorry you've been mistreated by the medical system. 

[DogMan]

My mini crisis subsided

I guess that I should review that for therapy homework on amygdala hijack

[DogMan]

This is part of a letter for therapist, for Saturday's appointment

~2 months ago, we touched on Part Selfs

I'm a really lazy researcher. I'll probably be ready for amygdala hijack around February. But I have sporadically read a bit

When we touched on this, it was singular. Part Self. Inner Critic

I don't think that my critic is singular. But it is like multiple sub personalities. I feel their screams and movement. Like hallucinations of proprioception and touch. I briefly live as someone else (Seconds). Then strong unpleasant emotions connecting the time between

They are me, but not

I suspect the answer to what the voices are can be assisted by Parts Work

IFS therapy sounds too rigid. But the idea of Structural Dissociation of the Personality rang bells with regard to the experiences, and "Dissociative Intrusions" or "Personality Intrusions"

The below seems like a more accurate description than "Intrusive Thoughts", "Hallucinations", "Inner Critic" or "Flashbacks". None of which seem correct, from my perspective (There are no doubt better fitting quotes, but the gist here)

"One personality state is dominant and normally functions in daily life, but is intruded upon by one or more non-dominant personality states (dissociative intrusions). These intrusions may be cognitive, affective, perceptual, motor, or behavioural. They are experienced as interfering with the functioning of the dominant personality state and are typically aversive. The non-dominant personality states do not recurrently take executive control of the individual's consciousness and functioning, but there may be occasional, limited and transient episodes in which a distinct personality state assumes executive control to engage in circumscribed behaviours, such as in response to extreme emotional states or during episodes of self-harm or the reenactment of traumatic memories"

https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#!/http%3A%2F%2Fid.who.int%2Ficd%2Fentity%2F988400777

I don't know if we have discussed the rage blackouts with amnesia, then flashbacks years later? People describe events to me, I have zero recall. Then later I am proved wrong in the face of evidence that the events occurred. I know that we discussed not remembering psychotic episodes

I know that I have mentioned voices of people who have mistreated me. But they don't seem like hallucinations, more as Lived experience involving the senses. Similar to a flashback of somebody else's experience, which hasn't happened yet

It must sound stupid

And I've mentioned the term "Paranoid" feeling unpalatable, but a "Paranoid Self" just feels more like my personal experience

I read about Focusing Oriented Therapy after seeing it on your website. And I had a little "This is exactly what we do". And I had a similar familiar response to reading about Structural Dissociation

I don't think that I am explaining it well, but we can work on it

I feel vulnerable, giving my own opinion. Such things rarely end well with health professionals

[Armee]

Good job Dogman! If your T sounds receptive but not familiar with structural dissociation theres a great book by Janina Fischer called "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma surviviors. " I recommended it to my T a long time ago and he said it was really helpful for him and for others too. Good luck.

[Hope67]

Hi DogMan,
I have just read some of your journal, and wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences.  I hope you find this place supportive.  I also watched the video you shared about the Impala shaking off his/her trauma, and I felt emotional watching that. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here. 
Hope 

[DogMan]

thanks, hope. I still don't venture out of my own journal enough. I do read others, and your post has sort of provided me with a template type deal of how to enter others' journals

i had therapist today. I had written to her, and it was lots of focus on the dynamic between us, and how i can stay grounded in sessions without dissociating away after 20 minutes

we managed a full 50 minute session!

i am exhausted

i did a 12,000 step walk on my way. Mostly along a cliff with brief detour down to this short stretch of beach

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi DogMan,
Your walk sounds really nice, and I think that managing a full 50 minute session is an achievement.  I'm glad you didn't mind my commenting in your journal, as I wasn't sure about just popping in, but was glad that I did.
Hope 

[DogMan]

Finally got hold of my case manager, after 2 weeks of trying

My little crisis passed anyway

He reinforced that I am allowed to say "Stop" if a doctor etc pushes or asks off limits questions. Which is similar to therapy focus

He is coming here thursday. I'm not thrilled about in-home appointment. But can't afford to be fussy

My bus to the beach broke down this morning. So walking 40 minutes home was enough of a walk

I assembled a chest of drawers which I purchased in January. But not the actual drawers, just the frame thing

Exhausted