TW: Rage Blackouts

[DogMan]

Trigger Warning

I am becoming more aware of my history of rage blackouts

People will confront me, after a social event. And say that I was violent. I am honest when I say that I don't remember that, I know we had lunch, but I thought it was peaceful

Then, years later I get flashbacks and realise that yes, I did break his ribs etc

I've mentioned this to medical officers at the hospital, case managers and psychologist. I'm hoping to engage with the subject more when I ask psychologist about Structural Dissociation on the 13th

[Papa Coco]

Dogman,

Wow. I'm sorry to hear. That must be kind of unnerving to find out you are having blackouts that can hurt others and/or yourself. 

I have heard of it. Back in the 1990s, when "Multiple Personality Disorder" was the rage in the psychological world, I worked as a volunteer on a rape victim hotline. I had been taught that these fragmentations of awareness were a problem for some trauma victims.  Since then, the psychological community has sort of stopped talking about MPD. I think they may have even retired the term, but no matter how it's explained, or what label it's being given from time to time, I do remember that it was very real. There were a few people who would call the line, not remembering having called the night before under a different name.

Of course, I have absolutely no idea what is happening with your dissociative issues, but at the same time I respect the fact that you are struggling with them. My blackouts were always around forgetting that I'd witnessed or been involved in bad car accidents, or of being sexually abused myself.

I trust that your doctors and therapists are going to be able to help. I continue to be impressed by your tenacity, and your ongoing search for the answer. That's the greatest ally you have right now is the fact that you are not giving up. The answer is there. Someone will eventually be able to figure it out.

Stay strong, sir. I'm pulling for you.

[Armee]

That's got to feel really distressing.  I'm sorry people hurt you so much that this is happening.

It really fits with a trauma-related dissociation, where you lose time, memories, and act in ways that are not "you" and that you are not aware of.

Papa Coco you are right that at least in the US the term multiple personality disorder as a diagnosis has been retired and replaced by Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or the not quite DID "other specified dissociative disorders" (OSDD). Those "disorders" are the brain's way of coping with too much trauma, usually trauma in childhood. DID is the extreme end of structural dissociation and is characterized by walls between the dissociated parts of the brain such that the actions thoughts and feelings of one part are not known by the other parts.

Good luck with the new Therapist, DogMan. You deserve compassionate help healing.

[DogMan]

Partial DID in the ICD 11 sounds a lot like what I experience https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#!/http%3A%2F%2Fid.who.int%2Ficd%2Fentity%2F988400777

[Armee]

Wow thank you that description is super helpful and clear - much better than the DSM used in the US for diagnosis.

Did you read toward the end? There's a clarification about diagnostic  boundaries with schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD toward the bottom.

I read this though and I'm still confused, myself, about whether this fits me, or if complex ptsd or full DID fits better. Pretty sure my symptoms are on the boundary between partial and full DID.

[DogMan]

Wow thank you that description is super helpful and clear - much better than the DSM used in the US for diagnosis.

Did you read toward the end? There's a clarification about diagnostic  boundaries with schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD toward the bottom.

I read this though and I'm still confused, myself, about whether this fits me, or if complex ptsd or full DID fits better. Pretty sure my symptoms are on the boundary between partial and full DID.

I did read that, and will discuss it with my team

Psychiatrist has questioned how much of my negative symptoms are autism. I do get paranoid/delusional (Or maybe just one part self does?) The border with OCD indicates I indentify more with Partial DID. But some historical themes were pretty classic OCD resulting from trauma (I'll not elaborate since they are pretty triggery)