Constant nightmares

[milkandhoney11]

Even from a very young age I have always struggled with sleeping. It would often take me 3 or 4 hours until I finally managed to fall asleep but even when I was completely exhausted, I kept waking up several times throughout the night so that I hardly got any rest at all.
Somehow these issues seem to be getting worse and worse the older I get and now I have reached a point where I sometimes only get 5 to 6 hours of sleep within an entire week and I just don't know what to do about it.
The first time I had to endure a night entirely without sleep I was absolutely desperate. I knew that I had to go to work the next morning but felt unsafe trying to face the tumultuous day ahead without any kind of rest from the night before. I cried and prayed and begged my mind to slow down enough for me to get some sleep, but to no avail. I cannot deny that it was an extremely hard day to get through and yet it wasn't quite as horrendous as I imagined. In fact, I soon got quite accustomed to the sleepless nights- no more tears, no more angry whining, just unimaginable exhaustion.
I think at that time I am probably too tired and too broken to even care. I simply don't have the energy to fight against my insomnia anymore. But when you go for such a long time without sleep, it certainly does affect the way you think and react and I am scared that my insomnia is making my emotional flashbacks more intense.
What I have noticed is that the moment I decide to sleep and my head hits the pillow, my entire nervous system flares up. My body gets tense, my heart starts beating rapidly (up to 100 beats an hour in resting position), and my breathing gets very shallow so that I struggle to get enough air.
I think part of this is because at night when there is nothing to do, I cannot really hide from my feelings, emotions, and memories, anymore - which means that my mind immediately gets drawn into a maelstrom of trauma. But the other reason is that I have been having constant nightmares which make it impossible for me to find any rest.
It's not like I am waking up sweating and screaming when I have these nightmares but they are very bloody and very cruel and I think the only reason why they haven't yet driven me insane is because I have always had them and got so used to them that I never really paid much attention to them until now.
However,  the more I notice these dreams the more scared I get because I just don't know how to deal with them let alone interpret them in any way.
So, I was wondering whether anyone hear has had the same issue and might be able to share some insights or strategies that could help.
I've tried so many things like music, relaxation techniques, etc. but I feel like these are not enough to tackle such intense, trauma-informed nightmares...

[Armee]

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry that sounds so distressing and difficult. I'm sorry you are suffering so badly. 

Definitely not to the same extreme as you but my sleep has been pretty bad but seems like a dream compared to what you are suffering. I was waking up for several hours a night and then falling asleep about an hour before time to wake up and that really sucked because you just feel terrible. So for several years I stayed up intentionally very late so I'd be more tired and when I got my 4 hours of sleep they'd be in a chunk. I could go to bed at 11 and wake up from 1 to 4 and sleep from 4-6 or I could go to bed at 2 and sleep from 2-6. Sleeping from 2-6 felt better. Not ideal. But that is loads more sleep than you are getting. Now I am sleeping better after several years of trauma therapy. I still wake often between 1 and 4 but it's less disruptive.

I tried yoga nidra lying in bed maybe that's worth a try if that's not something you've already tried but some are really annoying you have to find one you like. I think I liked Jennnifer Rae...https://jenniferraye.com/blog/free-guided-meditation-yoga-nidra

But with insomnia that bad I'd probably see a sleep specialist. Therapy helps but that's a long term solution and lack of sleep does make symptoms much worse.

[Master of my sea]

I completely understand. I have NMs most nights and have done for quite some time. My sleep has been broken most of my life (a LOT of my trauma has happened during the night so this makes sense) so I understand you on that level. I also understand getting minimal sleep and having to function the next day.
You do sort of get used to it and learn to function around it but it makes everything so much harder. Lack of sleep impacts so many aspects of our lives and it can be so distressing when you can't sleep.

I am finding at the moment that I need sound. I usually listen to some sleep music but that hasn't been working for me. I have instead been listening to audiobooks. I still have the NMs and still takes me a long time to get to sleep but I am less focused on the noise and volume in my head. I focus on the voice of the narrator, and it distracts me from outside sounds. I am alert at most bumps in the night.

Have you tried doing a NM journal? Maybe writing them down when they happen and 'containing' them might help you start to be able to relax into sleep as they are not 'trapped' in your head anymore?

I'm sorry I can't offer more ideas. Not being able to sleep and then having any sleep you do get disturbed by NMs is horrible, so I really do empathise and feel for you.

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much, Armee and Master of my Sea,
I really appreciate your advice and will certainly try them. I've used different types of music which seems to help me fall asleep a little quicker but somehow increases the nightmares, so I'll guess I'll have to experiment with this and see if I can find something that works on both fronts.
Normally I function quite well even with only very little sleep but looking back I certainly find that this has increased my depression and emotional flashbacks and might even be one of the main things that led to the circumstances of me losing my job.
I don't know, with Complex PTSD it is really hard to determine symptoms, triggers, main causes, and effects, because everything feels like one big entangled mess of trauma, so I'm not sure how to really tackle this but I'm certainly going to try because it can't go on like this...

[Master of my sea]

As Armee said, lack of sleep will always make symptoms worse. Our bodies run on high as it is, then throw in lack of sleep, it has to work even harder.
Something I have comes across multiple times when trying to address my insomnia is the fact that as much as we think we are coping and managing 'fine' with lack of sleep, our performance gradually decreases. We are convinced we are working and functioning at the same level as usual, but the reality is a steady drop in productivity, concentration, emotional regulation and mood in general.
And just like children, the more over-tired we get, the harder it is to fall asleep.

When you wake up and can't get back to sleep do you get out of bed and go to another room for a little while?

[rainydiary]

Nightmares are so draining.  I hope that by expressing this and starting to seek ways to support yourself, you find bit by bit things that support your rest. 

I found this podcast really helpful in understanding sleep and wanted to offer it up in case it gives any insight: https://www.alieward.com/ologies/somnology

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you, rainy!
I'll have a look at the podcast it seems very promising.

[storyworld]

I can understand your feelings of desperation. Sleep deprivation can be so very challenging and frustrating and disturbing! I have been where you are, and at the time, I feared that was going to be my life forever. While I still struggle with sleep, I do want to encourage you by saying it has gotten better. I've learned some things that work for me and have practiced enough self-soothing during the day that I think my base-line level of anxiety (hyper arousal) has decreased. But that took a LOT of time and consistency, and I find if I don't practice my calming tools each day, sleep is a lot more challenging, and pre-sleep anxiety greatly increases. For me, I tend to become most anxious when I am in a near sleep state. As I start to drift off, I get a burst of panic that wakes me up, but I am getting better at calming myself down when that happens.

I practice about 8 minutes daily of different types of self-soothing, always incorporating breathing. I was told that when I do this, I am training my brain to feel safe and to calm itself, and that overtime, I will find a sense of calm sooner. That encouraged me.

I have also read studies have shown yoga can be greatly helpful in calming our amygdala and increasing our access to our thinking brain. Initially, anytime I tried to quiet myself (meditate, mindfulness, etc.), my anxiety spiked, as I tend to keep going fast, from one task to the next, etc., to keep my brain occupied. But I am becoming better at intentionally focusing on things, like the feeling of the carpet below me, or the sound of my breathing, when I'm meditating, and so am beginning to notice improvement. When I struggle, if I can think through something random, like naming animals alphabetically or reciting through something, and if I do this really quickly (so that there's 0 space between whatever I'm reciting for an anxious thought or image to surface), I can often calm myself down. In the beginning, I needed to do a couple things simultaneously, such as walking in a circle while listing something and deep breathing. I tell myself, every time I do this, I am training my brain to shift from things that trigger my fear to those things that increase my calm. This helps me not put pressure or expectation on myself in the moment, and in shifting my focus to a more longterm view, I feel less discouraged when my anxiety seems resistant to self-soothing.