Family of Origin (FOO)

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bheart

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Family of Origin (FOO)
« on: September 24, 2014, 11:34:34 AM »
I used to see my FOO regularly.    We (2 siblings, I'm the youngest) never talked about our childhood, as if it never happened.  The perpetrator (DF) of emotional and CSA and who had been out of my life since age 12, died when I was 18.  As a child, everyone in my family seemed to dislike me except for my drunk DF, and that 'attention' was not often but still too often.  As an adult, for years (decades) I initiated many regular family get togethers, trying to mend and build the relationships we never had, have the family I wish I had.  Everyone gets along and seemed to enjoy and want the same.  I was closest to my DM and was always there for her.  Since finding out I have CPTSD this year that has stopped.  I had forgiven her for my childhood but did not know the damage done that I have lived with my entire life.   I am angry and hurt but don't contact my DM any longer because she is up in age and I do not want to put this on her (she has much responsibility in the whole thing).  Now I never hear from any of them.  I don't hear from my siblings (who do know I started counseling and have CPTSD) either and we all live close.   It is bringing back memories of how invisible I was as a child and is starting to make me realize had I not initiated those family get togethers we probably would have never even seen each other.    :sadno:


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keepfighting

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Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2014, 12:31:34 PM »
 :bighug:

I am so sorry that your siblings don't support you in your struggle with CPTSD. Do you have anyone else on your side IRL? CPTSD is tough to deal with, even with lots of support.

It is such a beautiful thing that you did for your FOO, organizing all those family events and making people feel welcome and connected. Be proud of what you did and tried to achieve. It's a shame that  your FOO don't repay you with more kindness.

Basically, you broke the code of silence and secrecy and your FOO is 'punishing' you with the Silent Treatment right now in order to try and bring you back in line. They may cool down and rekindle contact eventually, they may wait for you to resume the role you've always played in the family system, things may even out by themselves if they see you're progressing - it pretty much depends on the dynamics in your FOO.

Has it always been you who initiated contact, even with your DM and your siblings?

Hang in there and take good care of yourself.  :hug:

Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2014, 07:28:49 PM »
Posts like that always make me regret that my neck of the woods is so emotionally constipated and stoic about things. I wish I could say things like "oh, honey" and be very comforting. This sounds so painful. Kudos to you for being proactive about protecting yourself, though.

I'm without much of a family, too. I limited my contact gradually, after realizing that I got triggered almost each and every time I saw my FOO. It surprised me how long I'd ignored that. I'd thought we were close. But then, looking back, I realized it was mostly just my wishing we were close. Not a real family, but a very convincing placebo of one. Every time we meet, sooner or later they fall back in their old roles, and... no. Just no.

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bheart

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Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2014, 09:21:12 PM »
Hello KF,
Thank you for your response and for your kind words.  I do have my DH but it is difficult to find someone who understands and does not say all the wrong things.  That would not be DH.  That is why I like this forum so much, because there are many with similar experience who do understand. 
All of the FOO get-togethers were initiated by me and had at my home.  Their apparent disappearing act is probably a blessing in disguise because I cannot work on me if I am concerned about them.   

Hello Cat,
Thank you for your kind words.  Your family does sound similar to mine.  I can relate to wishing for a close family that was never there.  I was very disillusioned about it I guess.   I am sorry that you get triggered by them but you are right, we need to care enough to do what is best for us. 

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2014, 09:51:59 PM »
A hug ballet! THAT was brilliant.

And yes, we need to make sure that they don't wear us down. There are limits. (At long last, but better late than never...)

An acquaintance of mine took some counselling lessons. One was about grief, and she wrote a paper on grieving things one has never had. She said her teacher was a little surprised, but she told me: "Well, it's not that rare. I'm in my fourties, and I'm a single woman. It's very likely that I'll never have children, or even a partner. So I have to grieve that." It occurred to me that she is right, many people have to grieve things they'll never have, or things that were never there. That doesn't make this grief any less legitimate or necessary. I don't know if that's weird, but I'm finding it comforting to know that I'm not alone in this.

Still can't get over the hug ballet. I'm still laughing. What an idea! Marvellous!
« Last Edit: September 24, 2014, 09:58:37 PM by schrödinger's cat »

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Kizzie

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Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2014, 10:23:02 PM »
OK, now I have to see if I can add a few smileys - love the hug ballet too!   They really do help turn a sad thread into something warm  :thumbup:

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bee

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Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2014, 06:09:56 PM »
I can relate to this. It is so hard. I am sorry you feel alone in dealing with the fallout, it sucks. :hug:

I've had NC with my parents for about 8 years. Just this year I've started to see that my relationship with my brother and sister is mostly based on what I wish it would be. I thought we were super close, and that they would do anything for me, as I would do, and have done for them. Now I can see that they seem to have unconsciously picked up on my M's opinions of me. Weak, too sensitive, always wrong, immature, etc. I've been grieving the loss of those relationships. Though they never existed IRL, they were very real in my head, and now they are gone. We still talk, but I find myself using MC with them.

I too am so relieved to have access to others who understand via this forum.