Cracked Ice's Recovery Journal

[CrackedIce]

Not a very creative title... it'll do though.

I left home when I was 17.  It had (finally) got to a point where enough was enough.  I decided either I was going to leave, or I was going to die.  Luckily I chose the first option.  I had a relative nearby that I was able to walk to.  Probably took me a solid two hours trekking through fields and back yards - I knew if my stepfather found me, I'd have been physically dragged back home, so I avoided any roads.

My aunt put me through some counselling then, mostly to make sure I still had an interest in continuing to live.  My last session was with my mom in the room.  I remember the counsellor asking, "how many times has he abused him?"  She turned to the counsellor with a straight face and said "once or twice?"

I broke down bawling immediately, mid-session.  It was blatant, face-saving lie.  I think that was when I realized how abandoned I had been by my mother, which felt even worse than the abuse.  I left that meeting with a note in hand saying I was legally emancipated, and a will to never spend another second of mental energy on my parents again.

---

So, 22 years later, my wife asks me through tears why whenever she needs support from me I 'turn off'.  I'm barely able to respond.  We have had conversations about how I felt like I was living a joyless life, how I spend every day going through the motions waiting for everyone to leave me alone so I can be with myself.  She suggests that I see a therapist (she has been seeing her own for anxiety and anger reasons).  I find one who's summary seems to make sense and we start the process.

The therapist quickly was able to identify that I have had trauma in my childhood, and it could explain a lot of what was going on.  This upsets me.  I had made a promise to myself to leave all of that behind!  I'm successful in my career, I got married, I have wonderful children, I have a nice house!  I am living life in spite of what happened to me!

We dive into it.  Internal Family Systems, being with my emotions, identifying that I do, in fact, have needs (even if I have huge problems identifying them).  I start reading... Healing the Child Within... Healing the Shame that Binds You... and eventually C-PTSD by Pete Walker.  Each book makes more and more sense, makes me feel more seen and makes me understand where all of this may be coming from.

---

My most recent assignment from my therapist was to find a photo of myself as a young child, and to start journaling.  First point was to write a letter to my parents (that I won't send).  Get some of that anger out there I imagine, maybe help identify my developmental trauma so we can work on it.  I had told her that I wanted to start "grieving my childhood losses" as Mr. Walker put it, but I was having a lot of trouble identifying what I had lost, never mind grieving it.  She said, "you can't grieve a loss you don't miss", which makes a lot of sense.

I've become so good at taking care of myself that I don't really feel like I am missing anything, but at the same time I read and hear about 'healing from relationships' and 'communicating your needs', and all these other foreign concepts.  I don't realize that I'm missing these things, because they've literally never been presented as things I could have.  My life, from a young age, was making sure everyone and everything else was good, because if it wasn't I would get in trouble (yelled at, insulted, hit, mocked, demeaned, etc.)  I only truly was able to be myself once everyone was sleeping.  I often stayed up past midnight alone in my room, because that was 'safe me time'.

The other thing I realized shortly after this last session was that I hate my inner child.  The thought of caring about younger me is just an offensive concept in my mind.  I know, from an intellectual point of view, that it's likely just my inner critic working on over drive or various 'protectors' (IFS) trying to keep all that part of my life hidden and away.  But despite all that just the thought of caring about that kid, the one who couldn't say two words to stick up for himself, the one who took every hit without crying, the one who barely had any friends, the one who worked in servitude out of fear, I just can't bring myself to do it. 

(Ever since I came to this conclusion I've had 'heart concerns'?  A tightness in the chest making breathing more noticeable and giving a heavy heart beat.  One day I was considering going to the hospital about it, and then I realized I could basically make it start by thinking about my inner child.  Definitely psychosomatic.  Even happening now.)

Anyways, I've written the letters to my mother and stepfather.  To my surprise the one to my mother was actually much more aggressive.  I'd consider posting them on here but they've got a _lot_ of swearwords in them.  I may consider writing a letter to my younger self as well.  Might help to get that all down on paper.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your experiences and reflections.  I resonate with the experience of hating the inner child and finding aggression toward parental figures.  I hope that each step you are taking is leading toward more ease.

[Armee]

I'm sorry that you were abused, many times, and that your mom out right lied about it and massively minimized it. I also relate completely to the part of your post that expresses such shock that this is where you find yourself... that you left that behind and made a perfect new life. That happened to me, too. It's such a weird incongruence. But we didn't leave it behind. We thought we did but we just buried it and let it fester ignored and unhealed. Here it is now and we can't ignore it anymore. It DOES get better. Therapy can be painful and difficult. Sometimes it can look and feel like going backwards but I've found even when it looks objectively like I am worse I am much much better than ever before. Good luck on your journey I look forward to reading more. I'm glad you are here. 

[Papa Coco]

Crackedice,

I'm glad you shared your story here. I can say that the details and names are all different, but quite a bit of your story sounds familiar. I too left my family for the same reason: It was walk away or die. I too felt seriously ignored and unprotected. My wife has had to deal with my own dissociative "shutting down" during times when I needed to be present. She has had to come to terms with my sense that I'm only safe when everyone's asleep or I am home alone with all the doors and windows closed. A need to isolate is a common theme among a lot of us here on the forum. Like you, I have created an amazing little family of people who love me to the ends of the earth, and yet, I still find myself only at ease when I'm isolated.

I hope that you find this forum to be as comforting a place as I have. Being able to talk WITH people who feel so many of the same things I feel, and without having to explain myself or pretend I'm happier than I really am, has made this a place of refuge for me. I hope it helps for you too. 

And if you really do want to share the letters to your parents with us, I can't speak for everyone, but as for me, speaking only for myself, I'm okay with reading them. The way this forum was designed, "swear" words are automatically turned into asterisks to protect those who don't like reading them. Usually, through context, we all know which word has been censored out.

Also, you can start the post with a "Trigger Warning" and then use white ink to write it, which gives all the members the option to read or not read it. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by saying I'm up for reading them, but I can say that for me, writing something no one else is going to read feels impotent and pointless. Like, once again, I'm not being heard. When I write something that I know someone is going to read, the writing becomes more powerful and effective.  For me, healing happens when others read what I've written. That's the reason I'm offering to read your letters to your parents. I am open to feeling, and sharing in, your anger and your release of what you need to say. Chances are I'll resonate with it around my own parents and my own nasty, nasty, nasty elder siblings also.

These days I'm all about releasing pent up past emotion and trauma. How ever we need to release it, as long as we aren't hurting anyone in the process, is what we need to do to let our bodies release what our brains have been holding onto for far too long. Hysterical laughing, hysterical crying, writing letters that speak the deepest truth, blaring out swear words...these are all methods of releasing pent up energy.

It might actually be cathartic for me to read your letters. I feel less alone with my own anger when I share similar anger with others who deserve to feel it as much as I do.

If others on the forum aren't okay with you posting the letters, I'm okay with you posting them on my personal messages folder. I hate to think you're sitting there not feeling heard because no one's read your letters to your parents.

--

A quick note about swearing. It can actually be good for us to do it when it's appropriate

I have been watching the Netflix Documentaries on why we swear, and I'm learning why it can be really, actually, good for us to do it. Research has proven that if allowed to swear, the swearer has the ability to withstand pain up to 50% longer than those who are not allowed to swear. When we swear, we can actually feel the release of anxiety and endorphins in our bodies. Words we've been conditioned by others to believe are "bad" are stored in a more aggressive part of the brain. Like the same part of the brain that we use when we feel a need to punch a pillow or release aggression, or better endure, or release pain.

[Armee]

 

[milkandhoney11]

Hi Cracked Ice,
I am afraid I am not really in a position to write a long reply to your post (I seem to be stuck in a particularly strong emotional flashback) but I just want to welcome you to this forum. I'm sorry about all the things that happened to you and I wished you didn't feel the need to come here, but at the same time I am glad to have you (if you know what I mean). I am always grateful for meeting other people with similar experiences and hearing about their perspectives.
So, I would like to second what Papa Coco has said. I would be very open to read your letters or other triggering content because I believe that it is important to talk about experiences like these and that it can be very healing to tell your story and finally feel heard and understood.
I still often feel a sense of shame and guilt for writing about such dark memories because I fear that it will be too much for others to bear, but as PC said: writing about these things will help us release some of the pain and fear we have been feeling ...

How ever we need to release it, as long as we aren't hurting anyone in the process, is what we need to do to let our bodies release what our brains have been holding onto for far too long.

[CrackedIce]

Really appreciate the replies everyone, thanks.  I've always had a lingering doubt in the back of my mind that my trauma wasn't 'enough' or I was being 'too sensitive' about things, but reading all your stories (and support for each other) has really opened things up for me.  I have a hard time discussing these things with others outside of my therapist, I rarely even bring it up with my wife, even though part of me wants her to just 'get it' so I can stop pretending around her when things are actually going poorly.

I am planning on sharing the letters with my therapist, but I'm not opposed to posting them up here as well.  It'll feel good to get some validation, and if it helps others realize they're not alone in their thoughts and feelings (as you all have for me already) it'll definitely be for the greater good.

[CrackedIce]

Bit of a bad day today.  Woke up at 4:30 am from a terrible anxious dream that I've had before, but definitely not for a few years.  Possibly over two decades.  I had finished writing the letter to my 'inner self' the night before which wasn't exactly a nice letter, so perhaps that triggered some sort of regressed dream memory?

In the dream I am terribly anxious, watching the news as they uncover the shallow grave of a near by neighbour who was clearly murdered, the crime scene at an abandoned lot down the street from my childhood home.  I'm anxious because I'm the one who did it.  I just know, in my heart of hearts, that I had done a terrible thing and the police were seconds away from knocking down the door, about to arrest me and send me away for life.

I mention this because I generally don't remember my dreams at all, but not only did I remember this one (likely because it woke me up), but I explicitly remember having the very same dream before in my teen years.  I was so unsure that it had been a dream that I felt I needed to find my neighbour on facebook to make sure she wasn't actually dead. 

Maybe this is my inner child striking back?  Or just reaching out?

Anyways, after not being able to go back to sleep, my wife also ended up having a crappy day today as well, and her usual style is to take it out on me.  One of the first books I started reading on my therapy journey (as suggested by my therapist) is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.  Their thesis is that we subconciously choose our partners as a way for trying to finish off and obtain the love that our parents weren't able to give, and in that we marry people with the traits (both good and bad) as our parents.  That book really resonated with me, as I ended up marrying someone with anger issues.

I find myself stuck in this weird paradoxical state where my wife often gives me the love and support I was missing as a child, but also has a tendency to 'vent her frustration' in my general direction.  It's not nearly as bad as my abusive/neglectful parents of course, but given my background (and now everything I understand with cptsd) it's effectively in the same realm, enough that I get triggered and start shame spiraling often.  She gets more frustrated because I'm unable to give her the support she's actually looking for through her frustration, and repeat.

After over a decade of this, we've created this environment that matches my childhood home - I fawn around the house, making sure there's no reason she should be upset, including taking care of the children, cooking almost all our meals, laundry when I remember, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, etc.  And, just like in my past, regardless of my efforts something sets her off (work, missing a chore, busy life stress, etc.) and I end up freezing and triggered and spiraling, none of which I feel I can share with her because, well, she's the one who triggered me. 

Hearing "you're not doing enough" when I've spent pretty much 90% of my conscious day making sure there wasn't a reason for her to be upset with me really hits me hard, and I think today I realized why.  My mind translates it to "You're not fawning enough", which then goes to "despite your efforts you're still not safe", and that collides with my mental exhaustion of effectively working all day, and off goes the shame spiral trigger.  Any time I try to present context as to why I'm reacting the way I am, I always feel like it's an excuse or diversion from the issue at hand, and feel really really ashamed of myself.

Things have certainly got better since I've started therapy, and we've started couples therapy together now as well, but every other month or so we have a big fight that takes me days to recover from mentally.  As my therapist suggests, I need to tell myself "I'm not in danger.  She's not my parent.  I'm an adult.  I'm safe now."

Even after recovering through all that, I'm still left in a defensive, fawning state.  The thing that makes me the most sad about it is how I don't feel safe enough to share some of my therapy with her... I'm really afraid she won't understand, or worse yet she won't care.  She's inadvertently said some very hurtful things about it in the past.  Even today when I was attempting to explain why I wasn't in a place to give her comfort, she said "I needed your support, not your excuses".

She definitely has her own kinks to work out (and she has been sporadically going to therapy), anxiety that triggers her fight response if it gets too bad.  She'll get so worked up about something that by the time she reaches out for support it's generally preceded by aggression and accusation, leaving me in a state where I can't really give her what she needs.  The problem is she doesn't think her fight response is the problem - she often tells me "that's just how I grew up with my brothers and my family", "I feel like I can't be frustrated in my own house", and "isn't the issue how you're handling my frustration?"  All nails in the "open communication" coffin, things that make me feel unsafe sharing any of my thoughts and feelings with her.

I wish I could be the husband that can look past all that aggression and just instinctively know that she doesn't mean what she's saying, that all she's really looking for is a hug and reassurance, but by the time we get past the aggression my inner critic has so thoroughly convinced me that everything is my fault that I have nothing to offer.

Once we're both through our respective funky moods things are generally better, but this is one stage of our relationship that I'm finding really hard.  It's that painful place past the ignorance of my cptsd symptoms, but before anything has changed.  It's like, I know why I'm reacting this way, but I can't stop myself from doing it.

Anyways.  Got my three therapy letters written in advance of my next appointment on Tuesday.  I'll put some time into sharing them on here at some point in the future.

I appreciate everyone's time reading my wall of text Hope everyone has a good week!

[Armee]

Oh man, I've had those dreams that are terrifying and awful and you can't quite tell if they are real even though logically you're pretty sure they are not real. That can leave a pretty crappy feeling for several days especially when it feels like you've done the worst thing in the world. I've had nightmares like that too. So bad I can't even write or speak of them even though they were dreams. They truly do affect you so be gentle with yourself.

It is really tough too when you can't quite share with your spouse and their actions are triggering you. I've been there too including with my spouse inadvertently saying things that make it much worse. I also relate so much to the shame and exhausting yourself trying to do everything humanly possible to be enough and do enough. It's exhausting and in the end counterproductive.

I'm holding hope for you though because I've been there and I am now out of those woods. I don't exhaust myself anymore trying to do everything perfect, and as much as I thought I was not doing enough or being good enough for my husband and as much as his words and behaviors seemed to indicate the truth in that....it actually wasn't true.

It took I'd say three years to really have those kinks worked out on that front. You don't need to be perfect. That is true regardless of your wife's reactions. You get to just be you. Be decent but perfection is not fair and it isn't sustainable.

I'm proud of you for writing those letters. I can't imagine how hard that was and how much it would take out of you. If and when you want to share them there's a section on the forum for letters and I'd love to read them. My therapist is weak on some of these areas and I'd like to see what the assignment was so maybe I can do something similar.

[Papa Coco]

Crackedice,

One thing about this forum is that we are all unique individuals, but we are on the same train. So much of what you're saying could copy/paste into my own diary.  As usual, I resonate with so many thoughts, that I have a lot to say. So I'm going to divide my comments to address each of your comments individually:


---

Dreams:

My DBT Therapist always helps me through my dreams by telling me that the dreams are not at all about the details, but about how they make me feel. I've had those dreams before where I realize I'm guilty of some horrible, irreversible crime and my life is over now. Funny coincidence, that's how I was raised. My family had some very sick sociopaths in it. All of my three elder siblings were tweens and teens when I was born. They were horrible people. The middle one, 11 years older than me, was a clinically ill with Borderline Personality Disorder. I always call her a sociopath, but my T believes she's likely BPD. The differences are nearly moot. The behaviors are the same. My big Catholic family had given birth to a kind-hearted boy, me, who was the perfect dumping ground for all their frustration. I became a Fawn because I was born with a good heart, and their constant accusations that I was the cause of all their mistakes were easy to lob onto me. I took it. I was such a good-hearted boy that I believed everything those liars ever said to me. or about me. I have lived my entire life, 62 years now, believing anyone who accuses me of anything.

I joke about it by saying, "I know I was only three at the time, but I might have been the person on the grassy knoll when JFK was killed." Having lived a long a life of dissociative time losses, makes me believe people when they accuse me of their crimes. Even in my own brain I don't have an alibi that proves to myself I was innocent. That's what narcissists, sociopaths and Borderline Personality Disordered parents, priests, and elder siblings do to their little soft-hearted sons...they blame us for everything and make us believe we just might be guilty of every crime that's ever been committed by anyone, anywhere.

That's what Gaslighting's entire purpose is...to condition us to be so unsure of our own thoughts and memories, that we take the blame for every sin THEY commit. Because of the gaslighting, we no longer trust our own minds.

If I were to have the dream you reported here, my therapist would tell me the dreams are not about the crime scene, they're about the fact that, for some reason, I feel as just as guilty about something I don't remember having done, as I would if I'd just committed the crime in my dream. The details are moot, the emotions are what my dreams are mimicking. He'd ask me what was happening in my daily life that was making me feel guilty for someone else's crime.  We'd go from there.

---

Being a fawn makes being a husband into a unique challenge:

As a fawn, I know that I can never, ever be enough. For decades, I've done all the housework. All the cooking. All the grocery shopping. All the yard maintenance. All the repairs. All the socializing. All the bill paying. And I still feel like I don't do enough for my wife and kids. My wife works 20-30  hour weeks, but spends her money on herself. I worked 60 hour weeks and still did ALL the chores at home. I saved for our retirement. She's never put a penny in the bank. She takes care of herself while I also take care of her, AND I take care of myself.

I don't blame her for this, I blame myself. I taught her how to treat me. I do EVERYTHING because I don't want to be accused of not doing enough. I over-fawn so I don't feel quite as much guilt for someone doing something for me.

My motto is "I'd rather be a nail than a hammer." It's safer for me to feel like a victim than a perpetrator.

My wife and I are married now 40 years next April. One lucky thing we were able to accomplish was a beach cottage. I was forcibly retired from my job of 42 years in 2020 due to some of my company's very unfortunate corporate leadership failures that added to the COVID stressors. That hurt. My wife still works. We have a respectful, peaceful marriage. We're that extremely rare couple who's been married 40 years and we don't bicker and fight all day long like almost all other long-term couples do. Our eyes still light up when the other walks into the room. Our love is real. We cherish each other. People ask what is the secret to our long, happy marriage, and I say, "Two houses."

We give each other space.

Now that I no longer work, I'm free to live wherever I want. So I live alone in the beach cottage for more than half the year. She's okay with that. In fact, when I'm not here to fawn for her, she buys her own groceries and even drives herself to work in the snow. Turns out, she doesn't need me to fawn as much as I need to fawn over her. She visits me when she gets 3 or more days off from her job. I come up to the city every so many weeks (or months) to mow the lawns, fix what's broken, visit my wife, visit my kids and grandkids. I'm just now learning to stop talking about this with shame. Two homes is keeping us in love and married at this point. I still love her, but I NEED time and space where I'm not fawning over someone.

I am a fawn with a SERIOUS aversion to confrontation. I can't handle any confrontation with my own wife. When she shows aggression toward me, I leave. I've stopped punishing myself for it. She's not a villain. She's a very kindhearted, honest person, but we get on each other's nerves, and I'm a fawn who was treated like a total moron by my own mother and elder sisters. When my wife's moods turn her against me, they make me feel unsafe in my own home, so I pack up the jeep and move to the other house where no one is treating me like I'm "the problem here."  F*** it. If I'm the problem, then I shouldn't be here annoying you.

---

The right to be frustrated (AND safe) in our own home:

I have many friends who have been married long time and in almost every marriage, all they do is bicker and snap at each other. I can't do that.  Your wife's comment that she feels she has the right to be frustrated in her own house reminds me that I have a rule too: I have a right to feel safe and NOT attacked in MY own home. I'm a good listener. A trained listener actually. And my wife enjoys being able to tell me about her frustrations, and even to be in a bad mood when she needs to be. I listen to her go on and on about her bad days at work nearly every night. I lovingly welcome her back into our life while she debriefs (dumps) her bad days at work onto my listening ears. And that's okay. I love her and I'm here for her. I calm her down. I hug her. I make her something to eat. She can dump her problems on the floor in front of me every day and I'm okay with that.

But she does NOT have the right to take it out on me. Not in my own home!  My wife has the right to be frustrated too, but she doesn't have the right to treat me like I'm the problem. Not here in my own home. I married her because I wanted to be her friend, NOT HER PUNCHING BAG! Aggression is for the streets and the ball fields and the boxing rings. NOT in my own home. If want to be attacked, I'll walk down a dark alley. But inside the walls of my own home I have the right to feel peace and safety. Always.

I grew up in a dangerous house. Yes, we all have the right to be frustrated in our own homes. No, you do not have the right to take those frustrations out on me. Talk to me about your frustrations. I'll help you through them, or I'll love you while you're miserable. I'll serve you breakfast in bed, or I'll let you throw things around. But don't you DARE turn your anger onto me if I'm not the person who deserves to be knocked around for what happened to you at work today.

---

Therapy is sacred and personal, even from my wife:

In the beginning years of my therapy, my wife also wanted to know what was being said in the privacy of my sessions. Maybe she felt left out. Maybe she felt vulnerable that I was disclosing secrets to someone other than her. Maybe she felt like my time with a therapist was like I was cheating on her by not telling her this stuff. BUT like with you, any time I try to open up with her, she responds badly.

Her advice to my anxiety is to "just stop feeling anxiety." If I tell her that I feel uneasy, she IMMEDIATELY defends herself, which makes me shrink back to feeling like I'm right back with my aggressive mother and siblings, and I'm that little good-hearted boy who is being accused of making my family miserable again.

So I refused to tell her.

Her untrained reactions to my vulnerable disclosures felt like knives in my heart. So I didn't tell her. I couldn't tell her even if I'd wanted to. The things that I was in therapy for were so confusing to me, I couldn't even verbalize them to anyone, let alone someone with that much power over my vulnerabilities. The earlier years of my therapy were so triggering, I often blacked out when the session began, and came to when my therapist was snapping his fingers and telling me our time was up. He'd have to walk me to my car and instruct me to sit in the car for 5 minutes, or until I felt competent enough to drive away because I was so dissociated. When a man tells his wife that he is that vulnerable, it pisses off the wife.

So I chose to repeatedly tell her it was private and that's all there was to it.  Non-negotiable.

As the years have progressed, she's come to see that if I'm not in therapy, I slip into my suicidal spiral again. So she doesn't know what my T and I talk about, but she's decided I'm a better person when I'm with him, so she accepts it now. AND as she lives and ages, she sees that most of her friends, her own two sons, are all in desperate need of therapy. She's finally seeing that most of the world is in a death spiral right now, so my need to "cheat on her" with a therapist isn't so abnormal.

---

I've gone on way too long, as is my habit. I just hear so many things that felt like I've dealt with nearly the same things, and I wanted to share enough so you'd know that my road has merged with yours a few times. I've driven through some of the same potholes as you.  My solutions are to be open with people about it all, so I don't feel like I'm the only person who feels this way, and neither are you.

I wish I had solutions for you. But I'm not a trained psychologist. I can only share my stories as a witness to what I've seen, felt and heard. I share things that I feel might resonate with others. I'm one beggar sharing with other beggars where I found food. What's working for me may only work for me, and really...how well are my solutions working for me anyway? I have to disconnect from my own wife for weeks on end in order to save my marriage. And my wife is one of the kindest, most honest people I've ever met. I've never loved anyone the way I love her. So if I have to live in two homes to keep a safe space between myself and this beautiful person, how sane am I really?

[CrackedIce]

Thanks Armee and Papa Coco, I really appreciate you reaching out and empathizing.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these feelings and that there's 'light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak.  I'm grateful for you sharing your experiences being a few more years into this process, it gives me a lot of hope that I'm moving in the right direction.

[paul72]

Hi Crackedice
I don't have a lot to add to what Armee and Papa said ....
I have a super supportive wife... but it wasn't always this way.. and even still it's very difficult at times.

So funny, she just called right now as I'm at work, and I'm instantly triggered. Not her fault, and I've only recently acknowledged this to her... but this happens when she calls me at work.
I feel instantly like a failure... like her "how's your morning going?" is a criticism of not having done enough. Or I'm not there for her.. or whatever it is.. but it's brutal.

But generally (forgive that spontaneous side step above)... it's better than it ever was. I am a huge fawn as well like Papa said.
As for sharing with her... it got to be where I decided I didn't have a choice. She either accepted me or she wouldn't. I couldn't go any more without sharing.
Now this weekend she kept asking me "are you sure you're ok?" and I kept saying yes, though I wasn't/am not.
So.. even getting better at communicating, doesn't make it good all of the time.
I also forget when I'm not present about her sarcastic sense of humour (that I generally love)
So when she says "I'm always right" , as an example, I get pretty defensive internally....
All this jumbled mess of words.. and all I mean to say is that I think I understand.. and I know it's not easy, and you have my support.
I feel incredibly grateful for my w... i consider her my angel that I desperately need... but trauma makes me feel largely unworthy of her.
Sending support and care and gratitude for your sharing.

[CrackedIce]

Had another therapy session today.  Talked about the three letters I wrote (one to my mother, one to my stepfather, and one to my inner child).  The inner child one stood out for both of us, as it seemed to really catalog and highlight where I was with acceptance / grieving / processing.  In short, I'm not very accepting of my inner child, and thinking about them brings up feelings of shame and disgust, but when trying to spell out exactly why, it's clear that as a child I wasn't any of those bad/negative things - the point of view I have of my inner child is the same point of view my parents had of me.  I had certainly read about how the inner critic was just an internal manifestation of your parents' contempt / shame / neglect, but I hadn't really felt an example up until that point.  Armed with that knowledge (and a steadfast determination to never end up like my parents) I think I can attempt to work on that inner child perception and maybe (hopefully) bond.

My homework for next session is to write a letter to adult me from the perspective of the inner child.  Still not quite sure how to get there, but I think it'll be an interesting experience.

I'm also (on my therapist's advice) going to take a few of the 'things my mother never said to me' lines and post them up somewhere visible, like my bathroom mirror.  I need to start saying them to myself.  That excerpt from the mom letter:

I'm glad you were born
You are a good person
I love who you are
I am always on your side
You can come to me whenever you're feeling hurt
You do not have to be perfect to be deserving of love and attention
I am always glad to see you
You can make mistakes
You can ask for help
I am proud of you

These were all things from Pete Walker's C-PTSD book that when I first heard them caused me to tear up.  They're all such powerful things that should be a 'given' for a child, but their absence is a painful wound that needs to be healed.

---

Had a few heated discussions with my wife the last few days as well.  It's been really hard for me to shake the feeling that there's risk in becoming my 'true self' through therapy and all this CPTSD work.  My old self, the one who shoved all this stuff deep down, was the person all my friends made friends with, the person who was hired at my current job, the person who my wife married - clearly something was working there.  As I said before being a dedicated 'fawn' does have some advantages, even if the cost is a sense of true happiness.

And within that, there's this social contract between myself and others where I'm the one who does all the extra stuff, and never gets mad, and is always there to help.  When my therapist or books or others tell me to take time for myself or prioritize my needs or assert myself I can't even imagine what that looks like in my current context.  When my day is full of fawning, and others expect me to do it, how would I be able to fit an hour of me time in there? 

It's been an uphill battle to convince myself that I'll come out the other side of this with all those relationships intact... and maybe I won't... but in the same breath maybe that's for the better?

I find in days and weeks like these where the therapy homework is hard it's a lot harder for me to focus on other things like work or social activity or staying positive... I've felt as though those things are dragging hopelessly behind.  Hopefully with the upcoming holiday break I can re-center a bit.

Hope everyone has a good week!

[paul72]

hi CrackedIce

What you wrote about your w resonates so much with me.
When my w met me 20 years ago, she called me an arrogant ***
I had confidence at work... she liked that I had the ability to do things.. plan dates, etc etc.
It's more than that obviously.. but as I crashed a few years back, I lost all confidence.
I asked her on Monday this week, "are you just terribly disappointed in me today?" and she had no idea where that was coming from.
I tried to buy her a present for christmas that day and had to leave the mall.. i was too stressed out.. it was really too much for me to handle.
So where does this leave her and me? Not easy... but I am really not sure I could have stopped this change. I didn't choose to become so empathetic, sensitive and so unsure of myself and every decision I make. It is what happened.. I face my past and try to grow or I'm angry now.
I think what's helped us (finally) is that I don't hide everything from her. I even told her about my inner childs... and being able to talk with them.
This does not come easy... and I still am hesitant to say too much all the time!
When I'm having a bad day, I can't be the husband she had before or wanted before. I'll still fawn like a pro... but the days are gone where I message her that I'm on the way home and I want to take her out. Or that I can even order dinner for us.
Sorry if this sounds discouraging.. I don't mean it to be.
She has changed too.... not quickly, but her sickness for the past year or two has impacted her tremendously. She is not the woman I married either.
She has terrible anxiety about that.. and guilt. In that way, we are so much alike To me, she's way gentler herself. We both have some work to do.

All that to say, I truly believe that we have to love ourselves first. That horrible horrible cliche I always felt was a crock of bologna. But it's probably true .. and  as we slowly love ourselves and all our parts, I think we can love better. I know my love for my w is so much more now.. and I've only just begun (if I even have) caring for myself.
My w even told me this week that I have to focus on me too.

I hope you can navigate these tricky waters. I'm no good at other relationships, but I'm going to try in the new year to make a friend

[CrackedIce]

Thanks phil72.  I feel like you and a few others on here are a few steps ahead of me on the same path, and appreciate you taking the time to point out what might be ahead.  It's comforting to know that others have worked their way through this, even if there's more work on the other side.