Cracked Ice's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Crackedice

What a great report! It brings me joy to hear that you and your wife are getting along better and that you feel less like she's an aggressor. The way you listened to her heartbeat like that is beautiful. When any of us feels better, I feel better.  Thank you for sharing this with us all.  Keep up the good work, my friend!

PC

[Armee]

It's so hard to do what you did, to just go for your wife for a hug when you are in an emotional flashback. I've found the few times I've been able to do that with my husband thay it feels like the ticket out of this mess of horrid symptoms. It truly does help to let them in, even if we can't even express it in words, melting down into my husband's arms communicates it all and gets us mostly on the same page. My instinct is to never let anyone see me cry and to hide in the bathroom until my moods pass so I know how hard it is to do what you did, probably harder as a man. Good work. 

[dollyvee]

Hi CrackedIce,

Those sound like big steps to make with your wife, congrats! I feel like those times when you can get "out of" the CPTSD are so important. It's like a glimpse into a whole, other life and that CPTSD is changeable.

Thanks for the recommendation on the Homecoming book as well. I had a quick look and I think there's a lot that's relevant and interesting in there for me too.

Sending you support,
dolly

[CrackedIce]

Hey everyone!  Thought it'd be time for another check in.

The week has gone pretty well - kids are getting back into activities, so lots of opportunity to distract myself with other things.  It's times like this, where there's lots of ways to support the family / do housework / take care of things where sometimes I think my default fawn response is a kind of blessing.  But at the same time it's an easy excuse to not do any therapy work and just kind of ignore the core issues, and work until I'm exhausted which eventually ends with another breakdown / conflict.  Haven't got there yet, and we have a couples therapy session booked in two days, so maybe we'll intercept it.

Yesterday during the weekend I spent a lot of the morning idle, and I felt bad about it - like I hadn't accomplished anything and I was going to get in trouble.  My wife assured me that I should just relax, but I find that really hard to do when other people are up and about.  I can't really calm down until the evening when the kids are in bed and my wife's doing her own thing - that's the only time I feel like I can really relax.

We also were invited out on Saturday night on a whim from one of our friendly couples.  My wife asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no, but I would if she wanted to.  Brought to mind my classic example of me bending my wants and needs to make sure others are happy.  Luckily she picked up on that and we came up with a compromise.  I'm not sure why I said no (not that we'd be able to make it work anyways on such short notice) but the unplanned social contact kind of got to me a bit.  Not sure if that's a post-covid thing or a social anxiety thing or what... Generally I'm good around others if it's around a structured activity (I play a _lot_ of board games) but a casual "let's go out for appies!" thing kind of gets my anxiety up.  It's almost never been a bad experience the times I do end up going, but it takes a lot of energy to get myself into the mood for it.

Been continuing with both the Homecoming book by John Bradshaw and the Healing Developmental Trauma book. 

From Healing Developmental Trauma: the book has got into specific treatments for the therapist and has turned into a bit more of a therapy guide.  I think this book would be a better read than an audiobook.  That said, there was one concept in there that I thought made a lot of sense.  They talked about identifying "oasis's of organization"; the example in the book had the therapist stop a client when they started getting to worked up about a situation, and the therapist asked: "when was the first time you felt better after that situation?".  By getting the client to focus off of the bad situation and refocus their mind on a period of relief it was a way to train yourself to 'break out' of a negative cycle and find your way back to organization.  Thought it would be a neat technique to work on.

From Homecoming: it's finally got into the meat and potatoes of the book, where the reader is asked to do exercises.  The first one is a "letter to your inner child" after which your inner child is supposed to write back.  They recommend writing with your non-dominant hand and keeping it simple.  I still haven't done this exercise, and I'm not sure why...  The next exercise is a meditation which I've listened to twice while falling asleep and never make my way to the end.  It's full of affirmations for your infant inner child and imagining going back to 'recover' them.  I really like the idea of this, just need to do it when I can focus on it all the way through.

Outside of those two books, I had a really interesting conversation with a CPTSD peer online; he was asking what my 'role in the relationship (with my wife) is'.  Oddly enough, I couldn't answer.  His example was that he was kind of a buffer for his wife's explosive emotions, and they complimented each other.  I couldn't for the life of me explain how my wife and I fit together.  I've been so used to being an "island onto myself" for so many years; caring for myself, comforting myself, not being able to rely on others, that the thought that I need something from someone else at a relationship level is a strange concept for me, much less that I provide something to someone else at that same level.  I'm hoping that I'm just not able to verbalize the connection (clearly there's something there, or else why did we even get married?), but at the same time it kind of explains a lot of the relationship difficulties we've been having (and honestly maybe even my past relationships).  Might be an interesting thing to bring into our couples' session.

Hope everyone has a good week!

[sanmagic7]

crackedice, it does sound like a good thing to bring into your couples session.  to me, the more information i can bring to my conscious mind, the easier it is for me to make rational decisions.  i enjoyed those excerpts from the books you're reading - i liked the oasis focus a lot, but the thought of writing to my inner child suddenly brought me fear.  interesting, all of it.  keep taking care of you, ok, and best to you both at your next session.  sending love and a hug, if that's ok.

[Papa Coco]

HI CrackedIce,

Great post. Lots of good info in it. And good to hear that you are examining your relationship with your wife.

In one paragraph, you talked about Bradshaw's book, and you said "By getting the client to focus off of the bad situation and refocus their mind on a period of relief it was a way to train yourself to 'break out' of a negative cycle and find your way back to organization.  Thought it would be a neat technique to work on."

I think that's a well said sentence that describes why I made my 2023 commitment to end every post on a positive note. No matter HOW dark my post is, it can't end with that darkness. It has to end with a "call  to action."

The great news is, I find that it works! Refusing to leave the post without a positive solution idea gives me an action to take that helps rise me up and out of the negativity in my post. I find that no matter how dark my post was when I wrote it, my final paragraph has been lifting me up and getting me to leave the house, or call a friend, or do something positive that addresses the negativity in the main body of my post.

You put it so well. It is a way to train myself to "break out" of a negative cycle and find my way back to organization...and joy.

Thanks for sharing what you learned. You helped me to learn something too.

Have a great weekend!

[CrackedIce]

Hey everyone, weekly journal update time!

Thanks for stopping by San and Papa Coco!  San - I've had a similar reaction attempting to reach out to my inner child.  Heck, even the thought of it a month or two ago was starting to give me physical symptoms - tight chest, heavy breathing.  I've done a few light exercises towards the inner child since then and the physical symptoms have gone away, but I don't think I've quite made the trusting connection yet (more on that below).  Despite that the insights I've gained during those exercises have been valuable.  Once you're in a place where you can try it out, I'd recommend it.

Papa Coco - I was definitely thinking of you and your posts when I was listening to the 'oasis' strategy!  I think there's little choices we can make every day that can start us down the path of positivity and healing.  The new book I've started listening to definitely follows along that theory, as well as other things I've read like in Pete Walker's C-PTSD book suggesting to journal things that went well each day.  The topic on here along those lines is a great example!  It's so easy to get caught up in our own minds and old patterns that it's sometimes hard to make those little choices, but every time I've managed it and stuck with it even a short amount of time it's always felt better!

---

I've been trying to put a concerted effort towards the inner child work this past week, with a focus on the Homecoming "inner infant" exercises.  There's two main exercises in this chapter that I've been working on.  I should note, as it insists in the book itself, that it recommends that you're in a good place and/or have good resources (a therapist, caring friends, etc.) before attempting any of these if anyone's interested.  The exercises have the potential of kickstarting a lot of tough emotions, so it'd be easy to regress if you're not starting from a good spot.

The entire premise of the chapter is being there for your infant self in a way that your caregivers weren't able to.  The first exercise is writing to your infant self from the perspective of someone who's coming to adopt them and take care of them.  I was able to do this, although it felt a bit forced.  I eventually got to a place where I was writing some sincere thoughts (perhaps I'll share them later on Recovery Letters).  The immediate follow up to this is to write back to your adult self from the perspective of your infant self.  They suggest writing with your non-dominant hand so as to turn off your logical brain and get to a deeper place.  I quickly learned that I am completely incapable of writing with my non-dominant hand, but I did manage to get a few scribbles down.  I didn't really feel any big revelations during either writing assignment, but it's down on paper now at least, and I can refer back to them as needed.  Part of the task is to read the words back to yourself and try to feel any emotions that come up - perhaps in the near future, a few days past the initial effort, it'll trigger something.

The second exercise is a meditation, focusing around affirming phrases that your infant self needed to hear.  These phrases have really got to me in the past, even reading them can usually trigger a small response internally, so I was thinking the meditation would be a good step forward.  Someone's recorded themselves hosting the meditation on youtube - https://youtu.be/JPAx74WEoB8 - so I've been using that to guide myself through it.  The first two times I tried it I started to fall asleep, but the third time I made an effort to start it early before I normally go to bed and sit through it.  It was a weird feeling, probably the most intense one I've felt through a meditative exercise, but I don't think one that's intended.

The goal of the meditation is to get in touch with your inner child, let them know that we're there for them, tell them the things they needed to hear, and assure them that they're in a safe place now and we'll take care of them.  During the part of the meditation where you take on the role of the infant, listening to all these nice reassurances, I felt paralyzed.  Almost out of fear?  I laid in bed, tingly, almost as if hyperaroused and afraid to move.  The tail end of the meditation slowly takes you out of the meditative state, and I was able to feel my way out of the frozen state, but it was an intense experience, likely worth diving into more.

Maybe now that I've spent some time at that level I can finally feel good about setting up my next therapy appointment and talk through some of that with my therapist.  I don't think I should move on to the next chapter of the Homecoming book (which is your Toddler self) without processing this part properly first at any rate.

I've finished Healing Developmental Trauma (or at least got to a point where I didn't want to continue - the last quarter of the book is just sessional reports) and have moved on to How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera.  She's become famous on instagram as the "holistic psychologist", and I'm a bit skeptical of things since she seems to be as much about marketing as she is about actual psychology, but I've liked what I've heard so far.  The other books I've read seem to be at a more technical level, so I think I have the appetite for something a bit more practical.  One of the first things she recommends is a "future self journal" - basically recording promises to yourself to make things better in micro-increments.  I haven't formally started the process yet, but adding things like "drinking more water and less coffee" or "no snacks after 8pm" are on my future list - changes I've tried to maintain in the past, but have fallen out of pattern with eventually.

One last thing before I wrap up... my kids were watching Bluey (a fantastic show, full of stellar parenting and empathy) and an episode came on that had confused me the first time I saw it.  The episode is called Space, and features three kids playing 'spaceship' with each other.  One of the kids (Mackenzie) often finds himself trying to be 'left behind' on purpose - his friends don't understand why, and he doesn't really either, but he keeps coming back to it.  He eventually breaks away from the other two friends and enters a tunnel, where on the other side he imagines a younger version of himself, dealing with the trauma of abandonment.  In this case, he had simply misplaced his mom at the park, but it clearly left unresolved feelings in his older self.  His other caretaker, the lady who runs his daycare, helps him find his mom in this imagined state, and then turns to him and says "You know what's here now, you don't have to keep coming back to this place".

Not the first time an episode of Bluey has made me tear up, but watching it a second time, and knowing all I know now about childhood trauma and inner children and unresolved issues that episode hit me square in the feelings.

Anyways, thought I'd share that.  Hope you all have a good week!

[Papa Coco]

Hey CrackedIce,

Great journal entry. I'm learning a ton from your journal.  I don't listen to books because my attention span is so bad I can't stay focused. So I have to read the books, which takes a while too because...well...my attention span. I do read them, it just takes a while.

I had ONE reaction I really wanted to share back with you. While I was reading your paragraphs on Infant memories, I started to shiver. I've never, ever once considered trying to access my infant self, but when I read your paragraph, I sort of let myself do so while I was reading.

Fear gripped me. I felt like I was in a screaming tornado. I had 3 tween siblings when I was born. Two girls who were both very high energy, and a brother who was distant and immature. It felt like they were screaming and shouting and just being...well...a tornado of anxiety all around me. Then, while still reading and comprehending your written words, I heard my narcissistic middle sister, who would have been 11 or so at the time, screaming SHUT UP!!!!!!!! at me. So, again, my attention span was doing two things at once; 1) reading your words while 2) listening to my sister scream at my infant self. 

I confess: It terrified me. 

I think I might benefit from doing some of the work you're doing with infant self.

I think I can sense now that her lifetime of abusive treatment of me and my future baby sister began the minute we were born.  My infant experience feels like it was just a constant escalation of anxiety by a highly dysfunctional family of giants surrounding me. 

Anyway: My point is that what you're learning and sharing in your journal is making a profound impact on me. You're piquing my curiosity about my own infant beginnings. I'm impressed by how hard you're working at gaining control over your trauma responses, AND I'm following your lead and starting to want to know more about what you're learning. I think I see some more book purchases in my future.

Thanks SO MUCH for sharing with the detail level you share with. 

Whenever I sign copies of my books for people, I write "We're stronger together" then I sign my name. The overarching theme of my writings is that C-PTSD is about all the myriad ways we are each wrongfully made to feel isolated and unwanted. The greatest joy we can hope for is to start realizing the truth; that we are connected, even though we don't feel like we are. But we ARE connected. And sharing with each other is how we prove it. This morning's journal post of yours is proving me right. We C-PTSD survivors are stronger together!

[CrackedIce]

Hey everyone!  A bit overdue, but thought I'd check in.

Papa Coco: I'm glad my musings are helping!  I think reaching back that far into your psyche can be a rewarding but equally hazardous experience, and likely best done with someone nearby (loved one, therapist, trusted friend, etc) in case anything does come up.  I wish you success!

Most of my work the last week and a half has been around the "How to Do the Work" book I've been listening to.  The book has been an interesting read in that it references a lot of the topics I've read about in depth so far - toxic shame, parasympthetic/vagus nerve systems, childhood trauma, etc. - but in an easy to parse format.  It's like the Oprah's Book Club presentation of C-PTSD!

One of the things it highlights in its opening chapters was how her approach was different from the traditional western systems of medicine, where physical and mental issues are kept entirely separate from each other and treated differently.  It also avoids the standard western approach of "mask/treat the symptom", instead treating the body / mind / soul as a whole and trying to address issues by getting to the root causes.

When they mentioned that it reminded me of an exchange I had with one of my good friends of Chinese descent.  We were travelling together and he was saying that he had a massive headache.  I immediately offered him some tylenol, which he refused.  "My parents taught me that pain is you're body's way of telling you something is wrong - why ignore it with painkillers?"  I thought it was really weird at the time, but looking back from this new perspective it makes all sorts of sense.

One of the first exercises I went through with my therapist was grounding - just paying attention to what your body, your mind was feeling when in a flashback.  I had spent so much of my life simply 'turning off' and ignoring the pain that it made complete sense that I didn't realize I was anxious, I was short of breath, I was contracting my stomach every time I had an emotional flashback.  From there, learning to listen to those signs gives a way to short-circuit the flashback and move forward.

Anyways, the book has been good, albeit a bit lighter than what I'm used to.  It has some good exercises that I really need to start doing... I find that I enjoy reading about what to do more than I enjoy actually doing it

On a different note, my wife and I had another run in last week... a case where she just wanted to vent and get some reassurance, which conflicted with me showing up in the conversation.  It's times like that where my old disassociating 'smile-and-nod' approach likely would've worked better, but I instead did what we discussed at other times / in couples therapy / what I've been personally working towards and showed up with more of myself.  I'm still not really sure how to process that conflict... part of me sees that part of the reason I fell into the disassociating patterns with my wife in the past was because that's what she actually wanted/needed, but now that I'm closer to the other side of that reaction it upsets me that she'd prefer that shell of a person to simply vent at.

The good news is that I was able to verbalize that this time around (in the past it'd just end up with me sulking and feeling bad about myself for a few hours) and we had a good talk about it, so hopefully that can be less of an issue going forward.  It's kind of dumb how much of the relationship stuff is tied up in communication and not being able to do it... once you get over that hurdle things are slightly easier.

Finally, had a good conversation with my cptsd discord buddy about asking for things (or rather, not being able to).  Related to the communication aspect, we were reflecting on how hard it is for us to simply ask for our needs and wants to be met by others, likely due to growing up in an environment where, at best, your needs were ignored.  Or at worst, they were used against you.  I reflected on how often instead of asking my parents for what I needed, I sat and stewed in my room, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get it.  It's funny how I still do that now... instead of asking my wife if she'd want to join me to watch a show I'm really interested in I'll create a narrative in my mind about how she'd never go for such a thing and end up brewing in my own completely-unjustified resentment without saying a word.

Lots of stuff to work on, but still feel pretty good about where things are at.  Hope everyone has a good week!

[sanmagic7]

you're processing so much, C, i hope you don't forget to take some breaks for yourself every so often.  lots of books, authors, points of view . . . could any of that have an impact on not wanting to do exercises that have been presented?  just a thought.  keep taking care of you, ok?   love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hey CrackedIce,

That sounds like a good/big step that you had with your wife and verbalizing what you needed and dealing with the feelings that cam up afterward. To me, I don't think it's dumb at all that communication is such a big hurdle. It's tied to what you had to go through growing up and it's understandable that it's a big issue that there's some apprehensiveness in doing it. The person who had to go through those things mattered at that time and so does what you had to do to survive.

I'm finding that as a fearful-avoidant I have a very hard time being vulnerable with other people and asking for a need/ boundary was always met with retaliation. So, I'm constantly in survival, is this safe mode when things like that come up. I also had issues around doing the exercises in the Self-Therapy IFS book by Jay Earley, and he suggested to do an IFS session around that if it comes up, which I did, and it brought up some stuff for me that I'm still untangling to this day haha!

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Finally, had a good conversation with my cptsd discord buddy about asking for things (or rather, not being able to).  Related to the communication aspect, we were reflecting on how hard it is for us to simply ask for our needs and wants to be met by others, likely due to growing up in an environment where, at best, your needs were ignored.  Or at worst, they were used against you.  I reflected on how often instead of asking my parents for what I needed, I sat and stewed in my room, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get it.  It's funny how I still do that now... instead of asking my wife if she'd want to join me to watch a show I'm really interested in I'll create a narrative in my mind about how she'd never go for such a thing and end up brewing in my own completely-unjustified resentment without saying a word.

Good morning CrackedIce,

This paragraph resonates with me. Same as you, my needs were always either ignored, laughed at, punished or just plain invalidated. My family's needs were all valid, but mine were not. So I was called "selfish" if I wanted something for myself. Subsequently, I have a mountain of guilt to climb each time I really do want something for myself, even today. After decades of various treatments, the mountain is still there. My wife and son and family would give me anything if I'd just ask for it. But I can't ask for it. And when I DO get something frivolous (which, in my fractured mind, means something I want that doesn't benefit anyone but myself = Frivolous) I punish myself for getting it. And this applies consciously, subconsciously, or supernaturally. Somehow, I successfully reach humiliation or punishment any time I get something I want just for myself.

I think it frustrates the people who love me because they can see me holding back, refusing to ask for their help, or for their support, and being sheepish about accepting it even when they offer without me asking.  All the reading, and therapy, and treatments during the decades of hard work have helped me to at least recognize this phenomenon. I am getting better at allowing people to help me, but I still can't really ask when I need help.  This is a win. I may still have the mountain of shame to climb each time I want or achieve something that I want or need, but at least, because I recognize it, I'm able to talk it out with my people and I'm able to force myself to take the courage to accept their support, (...sometimes) even though it gives me a queasy stomach to do so.

I hope the workbooks are helping you with your situation. I'm taking any win I can get even if I still have the mountain to climb. The mountain is still there, but at least I'm willing to climb it now, rather than just sit in my room and fantasize about being able to get what I want or need. Where you used to sit in your room and stew, I used to sit in my room and distract through daydreaming about being someone other than myself.

I hope you have a great day too.

[sanmagic7]

I was called "selfish" if I wanted something for myself.

too true, PC.  good for you, C, for asking for what you need/want.  i have decided to change the word 'selfish' when it comes to self-care to 'self-ish', as in doing something for my 'self', focusing on what my 'self' needs, which is a good, healthy thing.  it's helped me take away the neg. stigma of looking out for my 'self'.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

[CrackedIce]

Hey everyone!  A bit long but I thought I'd get back on the weekend schedule for posting.

San, thanks for stopping by!  I definitely use research and reading and learning as an excuse to not actually _do_ any of the exercises that I'm learning so much about.  It's easier to stay in my logical brain than to dive down into my emotional or fear-based brain... I only really did that when I had therapy sessions, and it's been nearly two months since I've done one of those.  Perhaps I should get back into that.

Dollyvee, thanks for the encouragement and validation!  I always find some of these steps hard, in that it seems so obvious - "of course you need to ask for what you need" - yet when I'm in the moment it's like pushing a boulder up a hill.  I tried listening to the original IFS book, which had the meditative sessions recorded properly, but didn't really get that far with them on my own.  Yet another reason to try to dip back into therapy.

Papa Coco, I appreciate the commiseration   For me, it was always the threat of violence that made me want to be as small as possible - if I wasn't visible, if I wasn't needy or asking for things, I wasn't around the people that could hurt me.  Even if those people were also the ones who were supposed to be a source of love.  Enter that whole attachment dysfunction where my shame compensates for the lack of love, and so on.  I think that frustration from our current loved ones explains a lot of my relationship troubles as well; it creates a distance that those that don't have these defensive walls never have to deal with.  The anxiety and stress I feel is palpable any time I get to a point where I have to ask for help.

---

Have continued reading the How to Do the Work book.  It's still quite good despite straying away from the more serious forms of abuse.  One thing it's reminded me of is trying to stay grounded and present during emotional flashbacks, and one particular trigger I've noticed is when my wife asks me to repeat myself.  An innocent query almost instantly sends me into anger.  I've always kind of thought about it as just a personality quirk of mine, one of the few things that really upsets me, but upon reflection I think it is an example of my subconscious reaching out to me.  Something in my past made being asked to repeat myself dangerous, and my brain is still sent to that place when it happens now.

On a similar note, my grandparents have recently moved closer to me as well, and my two aunts live close by in the same city, but the thought of seeing any of them sends me into an anxious state.  I know I can't go there with my full self, that I have to be a certain kind of person.  And it's not even necessarily that they're bad, but I just feel like I have to be on the defensive.  My grandmother longs for me to 'forgive and forget', and my aunts just don't understand why I'm so distant.  Until recently I didn't either.  But that doesn't make it any easier to see them, and I really do have the option to just, not go.

Typing that out it feels like I'm running away from that particular issue, and honestly I have been for the last 10 years.  When I talked about that particular thing with my therapist she pointed out that despite all they have done for me over the last few years, it was never 'okay' for me to be around my extended family.  Yet another thing my stepfather has wrecked.  *sigh*

As I've said about four times now, I really do need to get back into a therapy cycle.  I'm finding it really hard to resist my past vices, falling into various forms of external comfort that I know are actively bad for me.  Now that I've been doing all the learning I have over the last year, I can understand that they're attempting to fill the void left behind by long festering attachment wounds.  Despite all this knowledge I find myself falling backwards, or having to do a lot of mental gymnastics to avoid it.  I've found that I've had more mental fortitude when I was in therapy regularly.

The current chapter of the book I'm on is about Trauma Binding, how our past traumas cause us to seek out and relive those traumatic relationships due to the neural pathways forged in our youth.  Growing up in a stressful environment wires our brain to seek out stress, our 'normal' state.  In adulthood this comes from those addictive behaviours the paragraph before and our relationships (romantic, work, family, or otherwise).  Not being seen or heard, being manipulated, not having boundaries, parents who lack emotional regulation, all create these voids that are etched into our grey matter, which our brain later seeks out as a normal, 'I understand how to process this' state.

This eventually creates a situation where both partners are feeling like their needs aren't being met, start resenting each other, and that's where we see the high divorce rate.  I can easily say that's where the relationship with my wife was last year around this time, when I started therapy.  But now that I better understand myself and where these thoughts are coming from, we're in a much better place.  It's not great, we still have our bad days, but it's definitely better.

Today was a good example of both a bad day but also how much better things are compared to how they used to be.  End of the week, we're both tired, and getting on each other's nerves.  I enter a bit of a spiral in my head - "she spends all her energy on work and the kids, of course I get nothing", "I make it easy for her to neglect me", "This is your lot in life now, you've done it to yourself, accept it".  But, I'm able to short circuit myself.  Simply calling it out internally, "I'm spiraling", is enough to snap me out of the self-reinforcing circle of thoughts.  Now, I was still a bit snippy and grumpy for most of the night, but not nearly to the same degree I would normally be.

I also wonder if I'm gaslighting myself a bit here - are those valid thoughts to have?  Should I be legitimately upset that I do usually get the short end of the stick?  Or am I just allowing my past to make the situation worse than it is?  Of course, bringing it up in the moment would just end up with an argument, but later once everything's calmed down I generally avoid those topics so I don't 'stir the pot' either.  Just another example of conflict avoidance / fawning I'm sure.

Anyways, I've rambled enough here.  As always I appreciate everyone stopping by and dropping in your thoughts, opinions, and suggestions.  Hope everyone has a good week!

PS> After seeing a few of you mention EMDR therapy I did some looking into it, it definitely seems interesting!  I found an online self-guided therapy for it, might give that a try although I'm not sure how effective 'self-guided' can be.  There are also local practitioners but I'm not sure how comfortable I am switching from my current therapist (despite not having seen her in months).  Anyone have any experience with EMDR, self-guided or otherwise?

[Armee]

Hey Cracked Ice. Good to hear from you again here! Lol I have had those exact same thoughts...

"This is your lot in life now, you've done it to yourself, accept it". 

They serve a good purpose to stop feeling hurt, get over it, shutup, and stay safe. Reminding yourself you are spiraling is a great solution. I'll try borrowing that. 

I'm sorry you are feeling neglected by your wife. After everything you do for her and your family that probably hurts a lot. And of course you have needs for connection too even if you were trained to suppress them.

I don't know if this is helpful or not so I'll offer it with the invitation to ignore it if it isn't helpful. In the recent past I was a working mom, dealing with the kids melting down from covid lockdowns, and caring for an elderly mom. For sure there were years long stretches my husband was the very last thing on my list and I had no energy for him. I still loved him dearly bur he was the one person in my life who didn't need things from me to survive.

Imagining a hypothetical Friday night,  at the first relief from all these duties, I would have rushed to the bathroom and locked myself in a warm bath for hours. Hypothetically if my husband started complaining that I was neglecting him (true) I would have spiraled myself and would have been resentful and defensive and would have even less to give because he'd then be needy too like everyone else. But if he gently knocked on the door and asked me how my week was and empathized with how much I was doing and said something like "I can't wait for all this to be over so we have more time just relax together on the couch and reconnect...I miss spending time with you" I probably would have also felt some longing to make time for him and possibly would have emerged a bit sooner than otherwise.

Do home date nights work? Sorry I'm advising. You deserve her attention and you need her attention and that's a beautiful thing that said right could melt your wife.

I do EMDR with my therapist. I posted a lot on the thread started by Polly and am happy to answer any questions you have. I chose to stick with him rather than do emdr with a different therapist because for complex trauma the relationship is more important than the tools. Eventually he got trained. He thanks me often for pushing him to get emdr training because it is helping him help other clients much faster.