Doing Things For ME Journal

[Blueberry]

It's time for a new Journal. I know I had 2 possible topics in mind. I can't even find one of them though I knnow I wrote it in the previous Journal. The other possible topic was Caring for Myself or something like that.

Now it's just New Journal. [5th Jan 2023: ETA - New title: Doing Things for ME Journal]
Some of my office stuff is still in my office, waiting to be sorted before I bring it upstairs into my apt, but the main move is done. Big change: I feel safer when I'm on my computer. Nobody can see me where I'm sitting whereas everybody wandering by could see me on my computer in the office. I didn't feel consciously unsafe, but unconsciously I must have felt so. And: w/o even trying I'm not pulling my hair out much if at all. Certainly not while on computer. So apparently SH was connected to where I was translating or surfing around, not to what I was doing.

I slept about 12 hours last night and straight through to noon. I suppose I needed it. I have a bit of ear-ache and a tickly throat. I know I should do a Corona test, I knew this a couple of hours ago, but my energy plummeted at the thought of doing it. That's unlikely to do with the impending result, it's much more likely to be connected to the process of taking the test - all the little steps.

I had a good Christmas, a nice Christmas. Zero to do with FOO. I did think about my niece who is my god-daughter but decided not to run the risk of destabilising myself by sending Christmas wishes to her via B2, her father.

This week is usually a bit of limbo time, in fact here it's called 'between the years'.

[Blueberry]

I spent the past 24 hours sleeping, reading, doing crossword puzzles, eating chocolate and ignoring the chaos in my apt not to mention the remains of stuff in my office. The chaos in my apt is caused by the stuff I've brought up from my office and not put away or found a spot for. I haven't spoken to or otherwise contacted anybody for over 24 hours. It's past midnight here so certainly won't be phoning anybody. But reaching out here instead    Though I have also communicated with my furbabies.

Yesterday I watched a youtube video about narcs. Jerry Wise "22 Rules of a Dysfunctional Narcissistic Family". No wonder I didn't want to get out of bed today and/or zoned out for most of it. I'll give that video a TW! Triggers by definition. Though it was useful for me to watch.

[Not Alone]

  That's awesome that you feel safer at your computer where it is located now. 

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

 

[CactusFlower]

   Thank goodness for our furbabies!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope to watch that video you mentioned, but I think I'll wait a couple of days, as you mentioned it's quite triggering. 

I popped by to wish you and your furbabies the best for 2023, and to send you a heartfelt hug too, if that's ok!    This is one for the furbabies too, if they're ok with hugs 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope, Thank you for all the hugs! The furbabies are not into real hugs but virtual ones are much appreciated, especially if there is a carrot somehow involved! Actually what they most need rn is to be cleaned out but my apt is such a mess since I moved my office up into it and I am so unmotivated that it's going to be pretty difficult to do so.

Thank you also for the good wishes for 2023, I wish the same for you

I wanted to write some things about myself but find I'm unable to. Well, there are concrete things to get on with, so maybe that?

[Snowdrop]

Best wishes for the New Year, Blueberry .

I can very much relate to you feeling safer now your computer's in a different location. Where I sit and work has a big impact on me too. Years ago I worked in a big office, and in hindsight I constantly felt unsafe and hypervigilant. I mostly didn't recognise this at the time. I'm glad you now feel safer.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Snowdrop! Best wishes for you too.

It's often that way for me - not realising till after the fact how disturbing a situation was for me.

______________________
The furbabies' massive living quarters are partially cleaned out. I put some papers thru the shredder. First time I've used it tho I've had it for idk 8 years maybe? Me and machines... At least one smallish cardboard box is emptied as well as one large grocery-sized paper bag. There may be other stuff to shred, probably is in fact, but that's all I had pre-sorted.

I was meant to be out of my office by yesterday. Actually I was, but LL didn't want to come by and do the official hand-over, for which I was inwardly grateful. So I was shredding papers in there a couple of hours ago and have put my laundry racks back in there to do a laundry or three and get them dry over night. LL won't come today - it's Sunday and a public holiday

A couple of days ago water was coming into my bedroom and dripping onto an old table near the window. LL came at my request and after going up the scaffolding outside my window, opined the water wasn't actually going to come thru the ceiling and suggested I put a bucket under the drip. There were actually several drips... Anyway, I did put up a bucket and mopped up the mess with towels. Yesterday the H of a friend dropped by to help me dismantle a few things from my office like a sign on the exterior wall. But he also went up the scaffolding, found out what was wrong and did a provisional repair by nailing a few thick plastic sheets above my window so that when it rains the water runs down them and drips outward from my window rather than in toward it. Really, LL should have done that, or called the building co. back to do it, even tho they're on holiday till Jan. 8th. But of course LL just wants me out so doesn't have much incentive

It's stressful atm. Tenants' Rights told me last appt to stay put, no matter what. Until they sort something further with LL, but that could take a while. TR is on holiday till Jan. 8th. I don't blame them at all! They need their break as much as everybody else. I also have to provide them with some more information before they can move on anything substantial - to the tune of thousands of euros to cover my move and additional rent elsewhere, but knowing I won't be coming back here. Because that would involve just another fight with LL. Legally, he has to take me back, but... He also has to cover my move and the rent for an interim place but as I say TR would arrange a settlement with him instead.

I have my eye on rental accommodation atm which is also kind of stressful cuz I just have my eye out, but will probably be waiting till at least mid-Jan. maybe Feb. to move. You generally have to show proof of employment and 3 months' of pay slips and that kind of thing to a future LL. I have none of that - just my disability pension which covers my present rent but only about half of any new rent. But anyway, the next laundry will be finished, better go and hang it up.

[rainydiary]

As I was reading, I experienced stress at the various timelines and processes and dynamics present for you right now.  I hope that things work out the best they can.

[sanmagic7]

dang, blueberry, what a load you are carrying.  no wonder your energy level is so low.  i do hope you don't have covid/corona, but feeling ill can make everything else more difficult, heavier, and exhausting.  here's wishing you a year w/ less - less pain, less stress, less mental/emortional disturbance.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san I don't have Covid/corona fortunately. Thank you for your good wishes for 2023 too. I guess that my emotional disturbance might go down as my healing goes forward? Healing-going-forward depends just a little on my own work-on-self. Seem to be taking a break from the latter but coming onto the forum reminds me to cut myself some slack on that front. Probably need this break of hanging about not doing much for some reason.

Thank you rainydiary for commenting. It helps me to know my situation would be stressful for others. It helps me to remember that I'm not sure how I would have weathered it even 6 months ago never mind a year ago.

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I have literally piles of unsorted papers hanging around. I did clear a small box of bits of mostly (scraps of) papers yesterday, a box from which I took some examples to psycho T a few weeks ago. So it is a step that I've now been able to throw most of it out.
idk a couple of days ago I suppose I managed to clear about a quarter of the pages out of a binder, but really it would make better sense to clear up loose papers. I don't seem to work with rationality when doing this type of task though. At least the binder weighs a bit less now   Clearing both the binder and the small box involves saying 'goodbye' to teaching resources I didn't mostly end up using. Some of the papers I had copied and/or collected in order to make teaching material but then never did. And/or didn't complete the making of. I did make plenty of my own teaching material though! It was time-consuming so it's not surprising that I didn't use all of the materials I collected.

I also know that some of those materials I made and used with my students, well, some of those I was partially making and using for my Inner Children. I did have children and sometimes adult students who enjoyed working with those materials. But seeing my Inner Children where involved, it's easier to understand why I've been hanging onto this stuff and why it's still hard to let go. But at least I have let some go

Then there are some other piles, e.g. of notes I made from sessions at video conferences on recovery. I don't seem to be able to throw them away, tho I don't read them either. Until I do, then see that 'oh yeah, that resonates' so I'm going to type on up on the forum and see what, if anything, it does for me. Once it's typed I know I'll be able to throw out those 2 sheets of paper.

[Blueberry]

So new title of my journal could be either: Doing things FOR ME  or Light, Space and Colour in my apt.

The latter is kind of a sub-section to the former. It's also a goal I developed early on in last year's clinic stay. It was great to spend weeks in a pretty much uncluttered space! I would notice clutter - especially papers - creeping up on me there in my room, on my table, in a bag or my suitcase and then I would deal with it. I also had lots of colour on my walls with all the artwork I did while there and the cards I got. Alot of light came into the room too.

Doing things FOR ME is also a subsection to Light, Space and Colour because doing beneficial things for me like bit-by-bit decluttering will lead to more space!

A beneficial thing I finally did today was go and have a shower and wash my hair! Makes me feel better. makes me feel more presentable in public so that I'm more likely to go out and about which makes me more likely to bump into someone I know and just say 'hello', which then partially helps me keep in contact with people instead of hiding away.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, Blue!  It's so satisfying to make a clean slate look the way we want. Hope your new space brings you peace.