The "Of Course" Method of Dealing with N's

[Kizzie]

The "Of Course" Method: A Crucial Defensive Technique to Neutralize Narcissistic Abuse, by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, March 2022

I really like this and it works!

[dollyvee]

Thanks Kizzie - I'll have to keep the of course they would laugh at me, they always knew it made me fight back before under my belt. I did feel calmer just reading that.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for posting this reference, Kizzie.

While I didn't fully realize it at the time, and for sure don't understand how I was able to pull off this attitude, I seem to now see what was going on, to an extent.

The article refers to 'positive dissociating' from these encounters with narcissistic sorts seeking to control someone else. This didn't feel right, and instead of falling into  a major fight-back stance (a big part of what they probably wanted), I early-on seemed to have found a niche where the hurt never burst out that way. Anger? Yes. Humiliation? Some. Yet somehow I never went over the edge in response to even the most horrific and unbelievable abuses.

In some other posts, I've noted how I even came to regard some or all of the abusers as behaving like buffoons (most of them outright narcissists; though I didn't have that word for them at that time).

As was pointed out in the article, it's not always best to have the blow-back ready, even if it hurts in the meantime. There were even a couple of times when I sensed my abusers hanging back when my actions didn't match what they thought it 'should' happen on my part. They were ready to drop the other shoe, as it were, but of a sudden they seemed perplexed by my actions. So while dissociation can certainly be harmful at times, I seem to have found it as a partial way around the lies (and worse) that I was enduring.

While the dissociation did hurt at the time, and I still can feel the anger and rage now, my T has also pointed out that I can NOW safely respond, be it by hitting pillows or other actions that 'gets it out' but in ways only I notice; and definitely benefit from secretly using this 'of course' approach pointed to in the article.

Thanks again, Kizzie, and it's good to see you resurface here with your valuable contributions. 

[Kizzie]

I had a therapist tell me way back when one day I might find my NM's behav funny and I absolutely could not imagine that, it hurt me so much.  Years later after much recovery I found myself laughing at some very N behav on her part one day and was amazed that I did find it ridiculous (buffoonery as you suggest WG), and funny.  To this day I find most of her N behav so obvious and ridiculous/funny although not always.  It depends on how vulnerable I feel, how depressed or anxious, maybe the time when I can't manage positive dissociation and get sucked into the dance? That's the time to disengage and walk away if nothing else and punch a pillow, cry it out, whatever it takes to release the hurt and anger I think.  I haven't done enough of that which is likely a big part of why I am in an inpatient program.

Still in treatment for another 2-3 weeks so will just pop in every once in a while     Miss you all.