Everything all at once

[Phoebes]

I don't know where to put this. I came back to the board due to recent SI and an overwhelming sense of being trapped. I'm feeling a little better now as I wise I know that always passes and I don't plan to follow through with that.

For one, I have a hard time dismissing all hope. I don't necessarily expect anything different, but hope in a more peaceful internal settled feeling. Sometimes I think this could be achieved by talking to my mom in a minimal way or in a way that understands she will never change but that she is old and frail and pathetic. It's hard being the only one no contact at the holidays and otherwise.

Then there's my dad. It's nothing new that he is a narcissistic enabler himself. I'm not diagnosing it's just his traits and the facts. Not only was his "gift "a book about there only being one way to heaven, which is weird because we've never even talked about that, but I told him I have Covid and he never even responded. I thought maybe he didn't get my text. No he has talk to other family members as if we talk, but he never responded to me or sent me well wishes or checked on me or anything. This also happened when I broke my arm and when I was frozen in my house for three days with no power during a deep freeze. He knew what everyone else was doing and spoke to them as if he was talking to me, but he never was and never asked.

And it's a long story but when I have reached out he will respond by saying I'll call you later and then he will never call and never mention it again. And then tell people I don't call him. Then after months of never communicating he busted out with a text expecting me to lay down a music track for him for some thing he recorded. I said yeah I don't think so and he said sure you can just ask your friend to help you. Seriously no boundaries whatsoever, no asking just telling, no inquiry as to how I feel about that or the fact that 11 months just went by with no contact and I've been recovering from my broken arm. It is just crazy unbelievable .

So, despite how absolutely despicable that sounds, I still know the "good "side of Dad. I know his behavior and actions are his responsibility. After reading his crazy Christmas card, I just feel like he has been brainwashed into a cult like mentality either from his in wife, his weird church, or both. He has written me off yet still sends a crazy card and wants me to do something for him.

I have found myself in my own relationships, romantic, questioning clear behaviors that indicate there's not that much interest there. That's how it feels with my dad. He's just not that into me.

[Blueberry]

I'm glad you're feeling better now as regards SI. I have similar-sounding phases, but like you I wouldn't do it. In my case a flashback to a time there seemed no other option, I think.

I understand that crazy stuff from FOO. Mine does similar, like asking me to buy xy from my country and send to them. So I looked into it, discovered xy is no longer in production, wrote back to say this and received no response. Nothing. If I don't write back within a certain number of days (too short a time for their parcel / letter to even reliably arrive here), they start questioning (or in one case recently, even phoned, which is breaking my boundary).

I'm sorry you're going through the pain of realising your dad's just not into you.    Even though you've been off the boards here for a while, more people than me understand you here. We're here for you  

Maybe even writing a Recovery Letter would help, within time anyway? I find it cathartic, when I'm ready anyway, to write to FOO mbrs on here and never send those letters. Sometimes that has included writing out the good sides of FOO mbrs, but again not sending it because it's just so messed up and in the end not helpful to me and my recovery to engage with them.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, blueberry. That sounds like a helpful idea. I've still been considering writing him a letter but when I think it through, I'm not sure if it will help. After all, we already talked.