Benign Narcissism

[dollyvee]

I think Dr. Ramani's videos are a gift that keeps on giving. Benign narcissists fall on the milder side of the NPD spectrum, and are people who instead of being cruel and exploitative are shallow, superficial, inconvenient, and unsupportive. She places them on the less antagonistic side of the spectrum.

BENIGN Narcissists: Everything you need to know
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmfGRXi2E8

I've known a lot of people/friends like this and always thought it was me, that I was being too sensitive, or "attached." I'm thinking back to when I was 11 or 12 and excited to take this girl camping with my family. She came out to all the other friends after the trip and said I was boring. She was the cool, popular girl that already had a boyfriend etc. I feel like because I was already going through the narc routine, this helped set the bar for me on what to expect from people. Looking back now, I wonder if there was something else going on and I was too hard on myself for not being "fun" and thinking there was something wrong with me.

I had another friend who would also ditch her friends for a guy. The final straw came when she started making out with a guy in a bar that I had been talking to. I confronted her about it and she told me that she was just going through a very selfish period in her life. It sat badly with me for a long time, like was I being too ridiculous fro saying something. I got validation when her best friend told me that she did something equally bad to her and that they no longer talk, but I did need that confirmation.

I do feel I can also, or have also put a lot on friendships, but also that wanting supportive friendships is not such a wild idea. That perhaps because of my upbringing, I've been just accepting certain behaviours without thinking that perhaps it is also a kind of narcissism, one that I am used to.

[Papa Coco]

Another great video

Another great aha moment for me too. When I was doing standup comedy, I quit in part because I didn't like other comedians. THIS video has finally helped me to see why I didn't like being around them. By and large, a HUGE percentage of them are benign narcissists! I see that now. They said funny things, but they didn't connect well at all with anyone. Not with me, or with each other, or with spouses. Comedians are angry loners, using comedy to shield themselves from each other and from the real world. The comedians I met were unable to connect. I just thought of them as selfish people, but Dr. Ramani's description of the benign narcissist fit them all to the letter. They are impulsive, always looking for someone to "like" them for just a few minutes on stages or at parties. No matter what I ever said to any of them, they responded with sarcasm or jokes meant to keep me from getting too deep.

Narcissism, in all its variants, is simply defined as "an inability to connect with others." Author and public defender, John Henry Browne, says it best: Narcissists are just people who don't know we're all connected.  For people like me, who suffers because I want to connect with others, benign narcissists just wear me out. After an hour of trying to converse with them, I feel like I've just spent an hour trying to convince a fencepost to talk to me. They sap the energy out of me. As I'm trying to use humor to draw myself closer to others, they're using it as a shield to keep me, and everyone else on earth, away from themselves.

This new term for benign narcissism is another new lens for my magic x-ray glasses that give me the ever-evolving superpower of exposing narcissists from across the room. Before learning these terms all I could say was "I don't know why I feel so icky when I'm around certain people". But now I can say, "Oh. I get it. I know why that person makes me feel bad about myself. They're a narcissist. Mystery solved." I can move on now.

[dollyvee]

I think comedians are an interesting group. I think you probably have the ones who really "get it" and can use humour to laser through culture and call attention to certain fallacies, and then there's the group who maybe try to do the same thing but on a much more superficial level? Humour is a great coping mechanism. Maybe it depends on how "healed" the person the comedian is and how personally deep they're willing to look?

As I mentioned to Kizzie in the other thread, it's very interesting starting to read that Narcissism Epidemic book and you realize how widespread narcissistic behaviours actually are.