Rainy Journey 23

[Blueberry]

With you rainy

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ armee, rainy.  i do hope you're able to attend that meeting, and that it's helpful for you. 

i don't doubt your revelations to colleagues make them feel awkward or uneasy.  what came to my mind was that you have an intimate insight into some of your students that they don't have.  therefore, you can relate to them better, know more about their needs, and can think more practically about solutions for them.  i hope they don't become mean to you, but look to you as an asset.  which, in my mind, you are, especially in your job.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - several times over the past few days I've come to write here.  I started posts and deleted them.

I am still feeling deeply sad.  I have moments where I see growth I've made.  And other moments where processing past events through my current knowledge hurts.

The meeting with my supervisor last week was deeply upsetting.  I am still upset mostly by her lack of understanding.  I think that touched on a very old wound - my parents often made assumptions about me growing up that left me feeling like they didn't know me at all.

I am also upset with what I feel like is a dismissal from my secondary school.  I'm puzzling over if I'm the problem.  I think what it is is that I can no longer pretend to be ok with how controlling my colleague is and how invisible I feel there and how I feel like I can't be myself there.  I did have a validating conversation with a fellow part time person there yesterday.  But it isn't enough.  I am being hard on myself.

I feel lost and tired and also hopeful and ready for something I don't know what.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. I hope that in-person group is a help to you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF, I appreciate the care.
.........
I cried a lot when I got from work today.

Some of the things coming up which are bothering me in different ways:

1. My cat doesn't seem well.  I made a vet appointment for her in a few weeks as I don't think it's an emergency and that is the earliest her vet can see her.  But I dread the day our time together will be done and always worry the next vet visit will be the one where conversations get harder.

2. A student who I loved working with moved very quickly.  I hope that everything is ok with her family.  Her move was so sudden and I miss her.  There is a big space in my heart and schedule without her.

3. For some reason I've been thinking about my parents' strong reactions to the stories showed in the movies "Into the Wild" and "Saving Mr. Banks."  Both of those stories portray abuse and childhood trauma.  I know that my parents experienced trauma too and yet I feel far away from them.

4. On the topic of my parents, I am upset that I don't feel like I can talk to them about my autism diagnosis.  I know it wouldn't be supportive or safe to do so, but it makes me sad sad sad and also mad.  I believe autism and neurodivergence are more common in my family and just weren't identified. 

5. I've been noticing how much the world "opens up" and public events are more "normal."  I am grieving how we aren't ever going to talk about how traumatic the pandemic was/is and I resent how collective conversation just moves on. 

I am also noticing that some things that used to eat at me with work aren't taking up my energy like they used to.  In some ways I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin. 

Right now though I am so tired.

[rainydiary]

Still pretty worn out.  One more work day and then it is spring break.  I don't think Spring Break will be all too restorative but at least I won't have to go to work.

I am reflecting on a conversation I had with a student today and how I feel like I recognize abuse others don't see.  The student is making some speech substitutions that most kids their age have outgrown.  They are very aware and very upset by these differences.  I asked them if anyone has ever said anything about their speech and right away they say "My parents."

In that moment I felt a fire inside.  I don't know this family well although I work with this student's sibling.  I have seen them walking home and they do not give the appearance of a family that is ok.  I see the way the sibling I work with holds themselves when their parent is speaking to them and all I see is unhealthy, potentially abusive dynamics.

I don't know if this student's parents have tried to get their child into speech therapy or if they have insurance or a way to access those services.  However, I think putting the blame on a child for making speech errors they have no control over and need help with is abusive.

Yet, would others see that?  To me, it is a symptom of larger dynamics.  I suppose I could be wrong and misreading things.  But I don't think I am.

My stomach hurts thinking about it and how Spring Break won't be a safe experience for everyone.  I wish I could see how we could stop people hurting each other.

[Larry]

I wish i could do or say soemthing,   it is hard seeing kids not being properly cared for.   I hope you are ok,  and i hope you can enjoy your spring break.   

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate your understanding and support.
..........
I am not feeling well today.  It's hard to say what the exact "cause" is but most likely stress.

I am going to show up to work today to make sure I have everything wrapped up for Spring Break and to make sure I know what's coming when I get back.

I woke in the middle of the night and had trouble falling back asleep.  All I could think about was this part of me that feels like I don't do anything right. 

Other parts of me know that isn't true and I am trying to find my way back to those being louder, stronger. 

[sanmagic7]

i hope those other parts speak up loud and clear for you to hear and eventually know, rainy.  you certainly do more than enough.  i hope you are able to get some rest on spring break.  with you all the way.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San. 
.........
Yesterday I felt unwell all day at work.  I was worried I was sick and would be sick for my break.  That has happened in the past.  I don't feel sick today so I think it was stress and exhaustion.

Last night when I got home from work, I think it clicked for me that I don't have to work on Monday.  I also didn't go grocery shopping as I usually do on Fridays.  And I was able to turn around my exhaustion.  In the future I think I need to skip grocery shopping on Friday afternoons because it takes too high of a toll.

Work is absolutely a tremendous source of problem in my life.  When I don't have work, I feel so much better. 

I am having some trouble letting it go - I am due to give a presentation the week after break that I am running through in my mind. 

I also read an article on social media about a district I used to work in that triggered a huge sense of shame in me.  I haven't worked in that place in almost 6 years so the trigger is annoying.  I take the article personally although it has nothing to do with me.

On a different note, last night I had a really intense dream about a person from my past.  This person shows up in my dreams from time to time and it is often comforting and confusing at the same time.  It speaks to some deep comfort I seek and don't find in my daily life. 

It's interesting that my brain thinks this person would provide comfort to me.  On my healing journey, I realized this person accepted me and liked me for who I was when I knew them at 16 and 17 years old.  I couldn't handle their care and acceptance 22 years ago and I feel grief about that.  I was in the midst of living in my abusive home that was also a military family that moved so much.  The only way I felt like I could survive was to keep people at a distance.

I can't rewrite this or get this relationship back on a different path.  But I can take the comfort these dreams are trying to offer even if I don't understand it and even though it leaves me feeling vulnerable.  It is a reminder that many people have always liked and cared about me.

[Armee]

Wow Rainy! There's so much wisdom in taking those dreams as sources of comfort you can keep with you.

[sanmagic7]

i completely agree w/ armee, rainy.  how nice you are able to find some sense of comfort somewhere, if only in dreams.  i, too, have relationships that didn't work out which had been a source of goodness because of my own issues going on, and i hear you on feeling the grief at their passing.  you're not alone.  love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your care and support, Armee and San.
.........
*sigh*

I return to work on Monday and am dreading it.  I've lost my confidence in myself and with students.  I hope to find my way back.

I also just feel so low about myself.  My brain keeps thinking about all the times I've done things that were so awkward and off. 

I didn't go to the dinner for the Autistic group this week.  I know community would be helpful but I just couldn't face it this week.

I am trying to restart a meditation practice using an app.  The one I had used for years was shut down so I am trying a different one.

Right now I am reading a memoir by Francois Clemmons (the person that played Officer Clemmons on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood) and I am intrigued by it.  I normally don't enjoy nonfiction and am glad I have the chance to read about his journey.

I think that I am back to feeling like I don't matter.  I know that isn't true, but I am not sure how to move forward with my life in a way that feels right.

[Blueberry]

Rainy, I want to let you know I read your post, in fact reading your post made me log in but now any meaningful words and thoughts have disappeared, except I really get the "community would be helpful but i can't face it" sentiments.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you checking in BB.  I felt like that was a stream of consciousness post and I appreciate you reading. 
.......
Trying to relax today but feeling really queasy.  My husband and I may be making an offer house today....but it truthfully feels pointless because there continues to be a lot of competition for places in our area.  We most likely won't be willing to offer enough to have an offer selected if a seller receives multiple offers so the whole thing feels like a waste of energy.  Of course, if we don't try the answer is definitely no.  This whole experience is discouraging and unfortunate.

I am trying to rest my mind but it's tough right now.

I have 10 weeks left in this school year which truthfully isn't much.  It feels like more than I can bear.  This coming week will especially be difficult.  There is too much too fast because Spring Break cuts into deadlines.  I am trying to remember I've gotten through before and I can again.

What is getting me motivated is to consider what I'll do differently in the future and trying to make small adjustments now to get there.