Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i'm moved by your self-reflection, the idea of having done this before so you can do it again, as well as realizing about making small adjustments to alter how to get to where you want to be.  well done. 

the housing market is a nightmare.  so frustrating, so difficult to find what you want as well as what you can afford.  sending love and a hug filled w/ encouragement.   

[Not Alone]

 

[rainydiary]

San, thank you - I hope my brain will relax a bit and that I can actually believe I'll make it as I have before. 
.....
Not Alone, 
..........
I don't feel well this morning which is anxiety about going back to work.

Last night I had another dream where a person from my past was present.  In this dream, I was able to have a conversation with a person to apologize for how I treated them and to share context.  In the dream they hugged me and gave me a look that indicated I am forgiven.  I woke up this dream and my chest was tight.  My heart was a little broken but also maybe parts are healing.

I am also struggling with my husband's moods.  We did have a good talk last week and he acknowledged he hasn't felt like himself for a while.  I am struggling with taking responsibility for things that are his to take responsibility for.  I am seeing how I don't know if he will ever feel ok unless he lives in his hometown (although I can't say he feels ok when he is there).  I also see a pattern in my family of the women marrying men that are a lot of work (not sure how else to express that).  He will either continue to grow with me or he won't.  That scares me and also I am tired of taking so much of his stuff on.

I hope this week goes smoother than I worry it will.

[sanmagic7]

i've had a habit of taking on 'projects' in relationships, rainy.  don't know if that's exactly what you're saying, but i've always seen the potential in my men, and thought i could turn that into a great relationship.  alas, not true.  i feel for you in having to deal w/ these problems right now.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I appreciate your care.  I struggle with all relationships generally and am trying to sort myself out.  I see my husband trying and also am recognizing I am still my own person.  I get lost in relationships of all kinds and they defined me in the past.  I wish it wasn't so confusing.
.........
I am feeling a bit triggered at work. 

I had a difficult interaction with a teacher.  The more I get to know this person, the more I realize she must have some neurodivergence of her own going on but it is very difficult to communicate with her.

My perception is that she really does not like the student I work with in her class.  He is a challenging student and I imagine he is disruptive.  She got really upset with me when I returned this student to class early.  She insisted I take him back for more time. 

I feel ridiculous because I misunderstood something another teacher told him and thought I was returning him to his regularly scheduled reading group.  That is not accurate and I do understand her concern when she hasn't planned for him to be there.  But also....sheesh. 

It doesn't even feel worth trying to talk to her about.  She doesn't really understand who I am and this issue is too complex because it isn't really about me returning him to class a little early. 

For me I also feel some guilt as I don't feel like I help this student and I have changed how I act at this school with students because I don't feel comfortable being myself.  I think next week I will take this student on a scavenger hunt.  I think our sessions will be movement based and outdoors if possible. 

[Not Alone]

That does sound like the teacher's reaction is about her.

I love the idea of taking your student on a scavenger hunt and taking the student outside. Creative and student-focused.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone.  I am back today to write more about my day. 
.........
I feel so drained and so sad. 

I broke my promise to myself of not opening up to a colleague today and the conversation with her hurt.

I feel so judged for the way I work with kids.  I'm feeling like I do my job wrong and cannot get past this feeling.

I want to be right and part of me nags that I know I have room for growth.

But it's hard to have colleagues judge how I do my work. 

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry Rainy  it sounds so so hard and when you care so much about the kids and wanting to do good for them I can see how you would question your approach. At the same time, you get so much true positive feedback from the kids, right?

I wonder, just looking at what I was doing at work, I was basically recreating a traumatic experience over and over at work and trying to get a different outcome and just kept triggering myself instead. I wonder if it's possible you could be doing something similar and opening up conversations in a way that invite feedback that makes you feel bad? It may not be what is happening for you at all and you definitely don't need to answer this question. Just food for thought from my own experience that may not be relevant to your situation.

Either way I'm sending support your way. Your job at its best is extremely taxing. You do really good with the kids. They need someone like you.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think i've said this before, but want you to know i had such a similar experience when i worked at a day care center/group home.  my form of therapy for those girls was one of nurturing, while the T's for the residential girls had a lot more punishment attached.  i was the odd duck, but i believed in what i was doing, what i was trying to accomplish w/ the girls in day care, and it was a different situation, which means, to my mind, it needed a different approach.

i believe in your approach, your way of dealing w/ children.  you may be the odd duck, as i was (actually, my superior once introduced me to a colleague as 'this is san, our flaky therapist'.  that's how i was looked at, how i was known there, but, as you've described so many times, the results showed a lot of growth and development in our kids.  please, believe in yourself, in what you do, and pooh on anyone else who tries to undermine you or your way of working. 

gets me so angry at those people.  may i  on your behalf, rainy?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your insight.  I do see ways I am trying to recreate trauma both at work and with my husband.  That really helped me today, so thank you for the offering.
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San, yes, I appreciate your anger.  I am realizing that I am telling myself this story that I am not good at this and letting the perception of others change how I see myself.  I found my way back a bit today.  I think what's been eating at me is I do want to improve how I approach some aspects of my work.  I also want people to understand and accept that autism and CPTSD mean my brain works differently and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. 
.........
I really did not care for myself well today.  Work was too busy and I pushed too hard so now feel ill and have a bad headache.  Planning to head to bed soon even though it's barely 6:30 pm.  I also plan to take a sick day on Friday because this week has been too much.

I am feeling grateful that my husband took initiative to buy and prepare dinner tonight.  It wouldn't have gone well had I also had to come home and make dinner after this day.

I think I found some ways today to feel a bit more confident about my work.

I hope I can take better care tomorrow.

[Not Alone]

I hope you feel better soon. (I sent you a PM.)

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone - sleeping did help and today was better than I initially worried it would be.
.........
I have a lot of conflicting emotions.

I gave a presentation that I've been working on for 3 months.  It went well.  I am feeling a bit triggered from doing it as I am sure some people didn't like it, one of them being my colleague I share a school with.  I think the presentation was the right thing to do, but I really put myself out there.  Overall I feel good for it.

I am feeling sad and scared about my cat.  I am taking her to the vet tomorrow.  She has check ups about every 6 months now and the last few weeks she has been off.  She is having these moments where she starts moving really slowly and often shaking that scare the heck out of me.  I am scared because I can't explain or understand what is happening.  I also don't like taking her to the vet generally and am worried about being able to handle the appointment.

I took the day off from work tomorrow both because this week has been long and also I know that the vet appointment will take a lot out of me.

[rainydiary]

This day has been full even without work.  Vet, laundry, groceries.  Those things are still work and sometimes I overwhelmed by how many "jobs" I actually work.  Today we also renewed the lease on our apartment because a house hasn't worked out.

My cat had yeast growing in her ears which I think might explain her recent weird moments.  I did not enjoy my experience at the vet today.  The vet tech got very short with me because I wasn't responding to questions as she expected and it was a learning moment of things I need in order to participate my best.  We don't need to go back for a while so hopefully next time I can feel more prepared.

My husband had a doctor appointment today to talk about his mood.  His doctor identified that it is most likely Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I am not sure that where we currently live will work in the long term given the grayness.  I like living here and also if it isn't working for him I am willing to relocate.  I am grateful that as of yet he has not suggested returning to his hometown (which in my opinion is almost as gray weather wise as where we live).  As long as we work together, I am willing to find a living situation where we both feel at home.

I am pretty worn out from today.  I feel like a nomad as it is and am always eager to experience a new place.  Perhaps that won't be what we do.  I think I do need to take care to make sure I am saying what I truly feel and not just keeping the peace.

[sanmagic7]

there are light reflectors especially made for SAD, rainy, in case he wants to look into one of those before thinking of moving.

i'm very glad to hear you feel like you're coming more into your own now in spite of what/who you've had to work with.  keep fighting for yourself - you're the best!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support and perspective San. 
...........
There are 9 total weeks left in the school year.  I think about in terms of Mondays because once I get going for the week I have momentum.

This weekend has been ok.  I am noticing that I am obsessing less and seeming more present.  My right shoulder continues to be tense and I do react for that.  I keep waiting for the day it stops feeling that way and perhaps it won't.  There are some things that occupy my thoughts more than others as usual.

I do feel very vulnerable for how vulnerable I was during the presentation at work last week.  I believe in putting myself out there but also it often doesn't go well in the long run.  That is making me not want to face tomorrow.

I think there was more I thought I would write about but this feels enough for now.