Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate your understanding.  I think a lot of things are coming together at once.  I am feeling better today although things are still stressful.  Today I feel like I can handle it.
.....
San, I appreciate the support and perspective.  I think what I say makes a difference yet I feel frustrated at how big this "problem" is.  For instance, last week I said something about autism to a colleague and her perspective is that it is a form of mental illness.  *sigh*  It is not.  I think I am coming to the conclusion that I can't go to that training.  I will find other ways to speak up.  It won't be worth worrying about all summer.  I dreamed last night that I stood up to colleagues about autism, so I know it is deeply on my mind.
...........
I am ok and also feeling unsettled.

I am feeling better with my sleep.  A lot of it was external factors and also how my body is responding to menstruation these days. 

This morning I am unsettled because my husband shared he is feeling anxious.

I am trying to remain grateful that at least he is now telling me.  But it does send me into an EF.

I start rehashing all the narratives (especially about his family) which doesn't help me feel easier.  I do think overall this is a positive in that he is coming more into his own, but it scares me so much. 

I have started more directly sharing with him things I've tried that help me.  Ultimately he is going to have to figure that out for himself. 

[rainydiary]

I didn't intend such a quick update, but a lot has happened in the past several hours and I need to get things out of my brain.

In terms of the house buying, the sellers agreed to fix the items we requested based on our inspection.  Given that, I ordered the appraisal that our lender needs done.  I may have been overly direct with our realtor about a specific item that needs to be done for the appraisal but I am also tired of her sunshine approach.  This deal is not done until we physically have keys in our hands. 

Some of the reason I am on edge is that my husband told me his parents decided to visit in August.  They selected dates when I will be starting work again for the next school year.  This happens like clockwork when they visit in August.  They don't ask if dates work, then act put out when I can't rearrange my schedule to be available to participate in whatever scheme they cook up.  Honestly, I am grateful I have work as an excuse to not be super available.

The frustration and upset I was feeling earlier is amplified by this.  I have a feeling they are visiting in August because it my husband's birthday.  Birthdays are a huge thing to them all and also times I hate being around them the most (it is always filled with upset and meanness).  But also, for me this also causes an EF because of past experiences with when my husband is feeling low and his parents "swooping in" to "save the day." 

It is the anticipation of their arrival that I dread the most.  I am trying to stay present with what is going on.  What is going on is:

1. I had been hoping to celebrate my husband's birthday and now it will be co-opted by them (probably because I don't "celebrate" right....maybe they can't teach me how it's done. *eye roll*).

A solution I've thought of is that I suggest he and I take a trip this fall/winter to celebrate as we are both turning 40 this year. 

2. I don't trust them.  Not only do they remind me of my own childhood trauma because there are so many echoes in how they treat me and my husband to my own parents, but they have done things specifically to me that I do not forget.  They make me feel small and like a child. 

A solution is perhaps I can write out or visualize myself as bigger and stronger and the one in charge of myself.  The reality is that when we are in the same room, I am reminded how small they actually are in terms of how they act. 

3. My husband and I are on shaky ground as it is as we navigate forward differently in our relationship.  Their presence and influence threatens that because I truly believe they ultimately want our marriage to fail so that they can "have their son back." 

This doesn't have an easy solution.  My husband and I have made tentative plans and are working to make adjustments based on a conversation we had several weeks ago.  In that conversation he emphasized that I am the most important to him.  In the past that hasn't exactly been the case.  It seems like he is finally doing some work to separate from his family. 

All of this is too much right now.  I have more pressing matters than the ongoing drama my in-laws present in my life. 

[Bach]

rainy 

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate the care. 
........
Whew I was more upset today than I realized.

I am home now and am still not sure I'm ok, but at least I can rest now with my cat.

Today at work I did change the course I'm going to do this summer.  I picked a course that will be recorded in advance that I can do on my own pace.  I'm not as interested in the topic, but perhaps I will learn something.

I am still struggling with my emotions that the mere mention of my in-laws brings up.  Part of it is the emotion it brings up about my husband.

There is still work to do with all this....but first I have to pull myself together to start packing.

[Not Alone]

I thought you were wise to break down the reasons that your in-laws upcoming visit is upsetting you and then thinking of possible solutions.

You have a whole lot going on in your life.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I think it's understandable that you feel all those things relating to your in-laws, and you analysis and working through the points was so good - I read everything you wrote and related to quite a few of the things you said within it.  I find family relationships - both between direct family members and in-laws to be especially triggering, and I appreciated reading what you wrote about it.  I thought your potential solutions were great too. 

Sending you a supportive hug  and I hope that your packing goes ok.  I agree with Not Alone that you have such a whole lot going on in your life right now. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone - I appreciate the care and support.
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Hope, I am grateful you checked in and I appreciate your support.
.........
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I am tempted to stay home today from work but that again would feel more stressful.  I did opt to not work out today because I don't feel 100% myself.

The reason I am crying is that while my in-laws do irk me, the real issue continues to be the feelings and conflict evoked in my relationship to my husband.

I am crying because I am seeing the protective layers I created around my heart and mind in the wake of his brother's death which haven't fallen away.

I expect my husband to abandon me.  That is the thing that eats at me.  I expect him to leave. 

He feels this conflict between what his parents expect of him and his desire to be my husband.  There are things I do that likely make that even harder for him.  And yet I see him in pain and want to help. 

I hate his parents for the pain they cause him - begging him to move back "home", implying that he is "missing out" by not being there, etc. 

I also am angry at my husband for putting on me things that are his own fault.  It isn't my fault that he feels like he has no friends, that he works from home and feels disconnected from where we live. 

He has been raised to believe that the only place he can be a full human is his hometown.  I disagree and again hate his family for putting that on him.  I also am trying to not take on his need for growth. 

I am often bothered by the parallels I see in his family dynamic and how they highlight dynamics of my own family.  In many ways I can see it easier in his family than in my own.  So, when he can't see what his parents are doing, I can't completely get upset because I didn't see what my parents did and are doing for so long.

I can be content with myself and with my life regardless of what is going on with my husband.  It is harder when he acts in immature ways.  I hope that I find a way to feel the need to protect my heart less from him.  But that is where I am right now. 

[Bermuda]

  If that's okay.

It must be so difficult witnessing these conversations, coupled with feeling such deep emotions and then recalling your own family dynamics and all the emotions tied to that.

I don't know the backstory to this post, but I relate to in-laws being difficult and it's a very difficult position to be in. I don't have anything useful to say, but I read your words and I sympathise with your struggles.

[Armee]

I couldn't say it better than Bermuda. Sitting with you Rainy. This is all very hard. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Bermuda, Armee, San - thank you for your support and comfort.  I felt so ridiculous after my last entry and appreciate that you checked in and provided words that helped me.
.........
I am feeling comfort in my arrival home after work.  Today was a full day and I thought so many times about heading home early or not going to work at all. 

When I arrived home, my cat was perched on the back of the couch.  My husband told me that she was waiting for me to get home at my usual time (I got home later than I prefer).  She began meowing at him and sat by the door waiting for me. 

She seems to be feeling so much better since her last vet visit and the medication to help her ears not be filled with yeast.  Her happiness will be set back a bit once we start packing up our apartment this weekend.

My husband also handled dinner for us today which was a huge help.  It definitely eased my load and made for a comfortable evening.

I feel shame when I get so overwhelmed by my relationship to my husband and the ongoing yuck with his family.  I feel shame mostly because I wonder if I am a fool and if I made a mistake.  I also feel shame for expecting perfection from another person.  We are trying and yet also sometimes I just want to remove the complication of dealing with this. 

I feel like I should take a day off this week.  I am experiencing a lot of guilt for some reason in just taking the time.  The school year is rapidly winding down and I hate to miss time with students.  And yet, there is so much crammed into the end of the year already in addition to the house buying I am also doing. 

We are still waiting on the appraisal of the home we are planning to buy.  We are closer but still far out.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad your cat is feeling better, and I'm also glad your husband did the evening meal, that's helpful. 

Wishing you the best for today.   
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I appreciate the wish. 
........
Taking a moment before heading to work to write an entry.

I am noticing some things. 

I am tired which has many roots.  Too much going on and only momentary relief.

My husband's demeanor this morning was triggering.  I realize it is triggering on multiple levels.  One is back to childhood and never being able to read or understand my parents' demeanor but spending so much energy trying to make sure I was "acting right."  The other level is triggering things in our own life together that result when he is feeling low.

I am feeling really annoyed by feeling so put out by his outward appearance.  I know I will probably worry on it most of the day.  It is also annoying me because it reminds me of his family - this is how they get attention from each other by pulling a long face and moping.  And then I get annoyed with myself for responding in an annoyed manner just like my parents would have.

I want to run away and escape and hide.  Things are in motion that need to play out and all I can do is try to be compassionate toward myself and take one step at a time.

[rainydiary]

Good grief.  Day starting off with my husband telling me that one of his uncles died.  Of course.  Why would things ease up a bit right now?

I do not mean to sound callous.  I am sorry for his uncle and for his aunt.  I am also sorry for any pain my husband may be feeling.  My challenge is that now this will throw my husband into more chaos.  The way his family handles death is overwhelming to me.  I predict that he will either tell me he is planning to fly home soon or will spend the next several weeks wracked with guilt because he opts to not go because we are in a busy time in our own lives right now.

This also comes after last night getting home from work to be told that his mom was trying to plan a trip for us all to go on.  I could not handle that suggestion, so countered with "We'll go spend Christmas with them."  Of course this was readily agreed to.  So now I have the worry about spending Christmas with these people.

I am just trying to get through this time.  I am so stressed I feel like I cannot bear it.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry your H's family seem to be encroaching on you and your space atm.