Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you for validating that.  I hate how out of control it makes me feel and wish it didn't bother me so much.
.........
I am at work waiting for an annoying meeting to start.  I often think on how I force myself to do things for work yet don't give myself space to do things at home. 

I hope my husband hasn't stored up a bunch of stuff about his family to unload on me when I get home.  But for now I feel better and ok.  I did tell my husband I feel like every aspect of my life right now is stressful and I cannot seem to care for myself.  I would imagine he feels similar.

My issue is that while I cannot handle the demands and expectations and behavior of his family, I also really struggle over my husband's choices.  Over time he has generally prioritized our family over his family of origin.  But a deep part of me feels like he will never get past feeling like he must always do what they want regardless of the impact it has on him and on us.

We did accomplish some tasks today that give more shape to the next month which I think helps - purchased some boxes to begin packing, set up movers and thus a moving date, and purchased home owners insurance.  These are things that could be undone if our appraisal ends up not working out. 

I didn't see many students today and I think having a relatively low demand day at work helped.  There have been irritations at work, but I've generally had space to myself.  I would like to go home and am not even certain the meeting on my calendar is even going to happen. 

[rainydiary]

I wanted to reflect on something I noticed during my meeting.

I noticed how ways of communicating and being open that I have modeled were being used.

I hated every minute of being in that meeting but it was positive to know that I matter and am noticed. 

[Armee]

 

The work you do to speak up and speak out is really important, and it's important that you are being noticed and valued.

I'm sorry that your in laws are encroaching on your life again and for the trigger of death in Hs family.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Rainy,

I really honed in on your comment that you've noticed how ways of communicating and being open that you have modeled were being used.

That's impressive! 


On a personal note: I have found it to be true that when I open up, people around me begin to open up also. It's as if 99% of all people are holding the same secrets, and at least half of us are looking for a chance to open up, but we worry it's not safe to be honest to that level. I believe that most people feel like they're the only one who doesn't understand what's happening around them, so almost everyone is hiding their thoughts and confusion so they won't look dumb--especially during work meetings where each of us worries about our jobs if we show that we're confused. And when just one of us admits that we're confused or scared or frustrated at something/someone, it starts to give people permission to open up too. I often open up and then hear someone in the room say, "Thank you! I thought I was the only one who was confused." From there, REAL communication is unleashed, and the meetings take on a whole other level of affectiveness.

If you're seeing people opening up because of you, then you are doing it right. That's gotta feel good, even though the meeting was not fun. When people emulate you, that's quite a compliment.

Again, I believe we, the people who survive trauma the way we did here with C-PTSD, are the good people on this earth. The bad ones get abused as kids and choose to become abusive adults. The good people who are abused as kids become caring adults. It's more noble to deal with our pain internally than it is to push it onto others. Becoming the next bully is easy. Becoming someone who teaches others how to open up is a noble task. It's more work. It's important. It takes strong adults to do what we do.

I'm impressed by your report that others are emulating your open communication style.

To be honest, I'm not sure if my response is on target or not. I might have misunderstood what you said, and I'm tempted to delete this post. Instead of deleting it because I worry I'm off target, I'll just say that I'm worried I misunderstood what you said, but what I wrote may still have some value. I'm going to post this response, even though I'm worried it makes me look confused.

[Moondance]

Hoping for renewed strength and rest for you Rainydiary and not necessarily in that order. Lol

if okay

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the support.  So many opposing forces right now.
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PC, yes, you interpreted what I wrote as I meant.  I appreciate your support and perspective.  I want to keep trying to be me as much as possible.  It is when I am me that people notice.
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Moondance, I appreciate the care. 
.........
I am exhausted today.

A big relief is that our home buying process continues to move forward.  Our appraisal came in at our purchase price.  We have everything as set as we can right now.

My husband and I started packed up some things today.  Moving is such a difficult process.

I think in-law stuff is temporarily on hold.  I am still upset about so many things.  These are things I've been upset about for a long time and may not be things I ever sort out.

Some of why I feel exhausted is I have zero motivation left for work.  There is one person in particular that is stressing me beyond my ability to cope.  I need them to leave me alone.  Their chaos in how they work is taking a toll. 

I still have 6 weeks of work.  Most of that will go by fast given our moving and house buying process.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for some things.

[rainydiary]

Feeling especially stressed right now.

I simply do not want to go to work tomorrow.

[Moondance]

I'm so sorry Rainydiary for all the stress in your life right now.  I so wish for it subside for you. 

This is so hard to be under all this stress.

Where you able to find out about any time you may have coming to you? You had mentioned that in a prior post.  If applicable even a day or might be helpful to you.

if okay

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support, Moondance.  At this point taking a day off feels like it would be harder than not.  I will take a day off for us to move.  Perhaps there will a day of two I can also find.  Being at home isn't restful so part of me would just rather go to work.
..........
This day is starting off a bit rough.  I forgot my noise blocking ear muffs at home.  My workspace is really going to challenge me even more today as a result.

My husband also opened up again about his struggles.  He indicated he would like to speak to his doctor again.

I am really triggered and scared by him right now.  This is flashing me back to about 10 years ago when we went through a similar time.  The outcome of that was we went back to his hometown which resolved his emotional turmoil but made my life a living nightmare.

The challenge I have is that from the outside, it looks like his family is putting a ton of pressure on him to move home.  He was raised to believe that the place he was born and raised is the best place on earth and that unless he lives there, it is bad.

Right now it seems like he feels like he is caught.  He knows I will not live there again.  And yet he wants to please his family.  Again from the outside, they will never be pleased and it is also messed up the way they act. 

He had a video call with them yesterday because it is his niece's birthday (interesting that she is my niece too but I don't feel a connection).  On the call, the usual trying to get him to stay longer and essentially telling him he needs to come "home" ensued.

I cried after listening to that.  He spends all day here feeling bad and the moment he talks to them, he lights up in a way that he doesn't for me.  Yesterday I really felt how much energy I put into hoping he will change in his relationship to his family.   It never happens and I am always disappointed and hurt.  It especially hurts because he doesn't see that what they do is mean and nasty.

I currently have no place where I feel like I act right.  In many ways, I finally feel ok with myself and am trying to find how I want to be in relationship with others.

My husband is going to have to decide what he wants.  I am somewhat dreading that we are buying a house.  Prior to this I made a lot of suggestions that we not do that and that if he wants to be in his hometown, then he should go.

It is possible this time around things will work out differently.  Perhaps he will finally start facing and confronting what underlies the depression and anxiety he feels. 

But I am still scared.  Will I continue to be able to count on him?  I don't know.

[Bach]

rainy, your situation with your H and his family, sounds so difficult and painful, especially with the added pressure of buying a house.  I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best 

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate the words and care. 
.........
Exhausted but made it.  6 weeks left until I have a long break.

We did accomplish some steps toward moving today. 

I am recognizing that I was probably in an EF this morning.  I have built up the story of my husband and his family to a level that I easily get swept away in it.

Since my husband is telling me more now, I can try to take what he is saying without adding a lot of color to it.  I do that because in the past he didn't communicate with me.

I also need to take care.  My stress over my in-laws and how my husband acts isn't from nowhere.  There are reasons why I worry about the things I do. 

Things continue to be in motion.  I hope that when the dust settles we are able to thrive individually and jointly. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.
.........
I feel more even emotion wise than I have in a while.

On Monday when I really upset, I texted with my mom about my husband.  That is always a slippery slope and I sort of regret saying anything.  Nothing has happened, but now I know my parents are probably winding themselves up.  I have this story that they don't particularly like me and definitely don't like my husband.  That is a hard thing to carry.

It's often hard to let things happen differently.  It is hard that things are constantly changing.  On a podcast I was listening to recently, the guest said something like they had to leave home so that they could become who they really are.  That feels true for me too.

Families and, I think, other types of systems of relationships function in certain ways and can put pressure on the people within them to act and be and stay certain ways.  I'm not sure that is always bad or always good.  But systems often work to maintain themselves and stepping out of that can make things feel uncertain and uncomfortable.

I feel like my husband's family especially wants things to be like they were.  Like they were when I have no idea.  I feel really sorry for them.  I also don't owe them anything and have to care for myself.  I don't mean to hurt my husband, but I don't want to spend my limited time on earth trying to please people that wish I wasn't around because it means my husband isn't their son and brother in the way they want him to be.

Right now we are finding our way back to ourselves.  We are having a relatively good week since that bumpy start on Monday.  We are both looking forward to our new home and make plans to sleep there as soon as possible (meaning we would rather camp there than to continue to sleep in our apartment before movers come). 

I have a lot of doubt and worry I have made a mess with my choice of husband.  My parents didn't give me a good foundation for loving relationships.  I do see me and my husband growing together.  I wish it didn't always feel so hard and so scary. 

[Moondance]

  Rainydiary,

I am thinking of you and want to say I hear you, I am listening and care.

I also need to take care.  My stress over my in-laws and how my husband acts isn't from nowhere.  There are reasons why I worry about the things I do.

I have a lot of doubt and worry I have made a mess with my choice of husband.  My parents didn't give me a good foundation for loving relationships.  I do see me and my husband growing together.  I wish it didn't always feel so hard and so scary.

[Armee]

You have a lot of wise insight, Rainy. I'm wishing you peace in navigating this new stage in a new house with your husband, and through the difficult thickets with his family and yours.