Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i hope your lesson goes well.  i have no doubt you'll do fine.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I'll share about it soon. 
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In one week we should have keys to a new home and hopefully it will be the beginning of feeling more grounded.  I haven't forgotten all the in-law stuff and stuff that has always bugged me, but I hope that can continue to be worked through.

Yesterday I taught my lesson to the class (first graders).  It felt chaotic to me and it made me appreciate how difficult a job teachers have.  I am not used to leading so many children and trying to balance all they wanted to say was too hard.  If I taught like that full time I'm sure I would find more ways to let them express and to feel connected to them.  The teacher told me she thought it was great and that the kids liked it.  She did spend the whole time correcting their behavior which I didn't like but I just pushed through.

I would like to go home and rest but need to meet with a student soon.  I am feeling really burned out by a particular colleague whose actions really bother me - her behavior reminds me of narcissists and it makes me constantly question myself.  Her poor communication and approach to her job are very difficult to deal with and I am sick of working with her because she makes my days feel so much harder. 

She just called at me down the hallway today when I was with a student and I said I couldn't talk because I was with a student.  I feel rude but also I don't really want to talk to her.  If she needs me she can email.  I would rather have communication in writing from her because she constantly is changing her story.

I haven't been feeling well generally this week.  I think it is stress, seasonal allergies, and menstrual cycle changes all happening at once.  I am feeling a bit better today and hope I can sleep better tonight that I did last night.

[CactusFlower]

Here's hoping you can get some healing rest, rainy. I can see how having the keys can make it feel more real.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF. 
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I am feeling very low about myself today. 

I am overwhelmed at the prospect of the next 2 weeks and hope all goes as smooth as it can.

[Moondance]

Sending you a supportive  if okay Rainydiary.

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,   I'm sorry i am not here to offer support very often,    i have a hard time knowing what to say,   but i know how you feel.    i  hope you have a good day tomorrow,   you deserve to be happy

[Armee]

The end of a school year and buying a house are two huge stressors. I'd be feeling anxious too. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i've decided that anyone who makes me doubt myself does not have my best interests in mind.  N or not, this woman does not sound like someone to spend time w/.  and, i don't think it was rude to put her off cuz you had to meet w/ a student.  you had a priority and you stuck to it, and i think that's brave and a very good thing to do. 

wishing you all the smoothness in the world for the next 2 weeks.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate the care. 
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Hi Larry, I appreciate any support you offer and am glad you checked in.
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Armee, I appreciate the perspective and reminder - this is a lot.
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San, thank you for the perspective about my colleague.  She definitely doesn't have my best interest at heart.  She gave me space today and I hope that continues until the end of the year.
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As I am writing, I worry I am sick.  My nose is runny.  It could be allergies or stress or if could be more.  The timing of being sick now would be very annoying.  I will take this as a sign to take care.

We will be walking through "our" house on Wednesday and Friday is closing day.  Our plan is to move as much as we can over the long weekend.  Then movers come next Wednesday and that is the day our lease ends. 

I still have 4 weeks of work, but the next two weeks with closing, moving, and keeping up at work will be the hardest.  I am so worn out.

There was good in today and yesterday.  Deep down yesterday I realized how much self-loathing I sometimes hold.  It's weird that on a good day that would come up but it did. 

It is no wonder I am worn out.  I hope to engage more with others' journals this week.

[Bach]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Bach. 
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I did not sleep well last night and felt unwell enough to stay home.

I feel a lot of guilt because I know the colleague I share a school with on these days will judge me for missing this week and last.  But also I am not going to push myself when my body is clearly telling me to slow down.

[rainydiary]

I felt bad all day for staying at home.  I have zero desire to go in tomorrow but may feel well enough to do so.  I'll see how I sleep tonight and how I feel in the morning. 

I read the following post on Facebook about mirror neurons and it gave me a lot to think on:

One other person besides Fire Dew Spright bought this.

Many neurodivergent people, including people with acquired neurodivergence like complex trauma from childhood, have an overdeveloped mirror neuron system (MNS).

This can impact a person many ways:

1. Extreme empathy: An overdeveloped MNS may lead to heightened empathic abilities. Individuals with a strong MNS may be more sensitive to the emotions and experiences of others.

2. Increased observational learning: With an overactive MNS, individuals may easily observe and imitate the actions and behaviors of others. This can show up in many ways depending on the rest of the brain: great at doing impressions, excellent internal BS and lie detector, great at picking up on and interpreting subtle cues that may be subconscious to the people being observed.

3. Emotional contagion: An overactive MNS may make individuals more susceptible to emotional contagion, wherein they unconsciously "absorb" the emotions of those around them. This can lead to experiencing heightened emotional states, both positive and negative, based on the emotions of others.

4. Mimicry and conformity: An overdeveloped MNS, depending on other cortices in the brain, might contribute to a tendency to mimic the behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs of others. This can be positive in some aspects but can contribute to a person not developing a sense of Core Self if they're hyper responsive to becoming a mirror to the actions and identity of those around them.

5. Sensory overload: An overactive MNS can result in sensory overload. Constantly perceiving and "feeling" the actions and emotions of others can be overwhelming and exhausting. This may lead to difficulties in filtering out irrelevant stimuli, making it challenging to focus or maintain attention.

6. Intimacy overwhelm: Eye contact, physical proximity, and displays of empathy that might feel like warm sunlight to some people but can feel like sitting on the sun to people with an overdeveloped mirror neuron system.

Having an overactive MNS can make a person "feel" the emotions of others— or the emotions they believe others are feeling— much more intensely than that person experiencing the emotion feels them.

Other people's emotions may be felt so intensely a person can't recognize their own emotions.

It's very important to understand that having an over- or under-developed MNS presented differently in everyone based on the rest of their neurology and their lived experiences.

Young children who are made to feel responsible for the emotions of others may develop an enduring trauma reaction that makes other people's anger, disappointment, and sadness feel like it's their responsibility to sacrifice themselves to repair.

It's very important to help kids develop safe boundaries and to teach them that they are not responsible for the emotions of others, including yours. This means you need to model managing and regulating your own emotions in a healthy way— which is no small feat if you're coming from a history of generational trauma.

There's no better time to start that journey of healing today. With purposeful, intentional efforts, you can learn how to regulate your very sensitive mirror neuron system so that you can better stay regulated.

[Armee]

 

I hope you sleep better tonight.

Wow. Those passages on mirror neurons is so helpful

[sanmagic7]

holy crapoly, rainy, i saw myself in every single one of those!  it's amazing how the brain/mind can be manipulated thru trauma or neurodivergence. no wonder my startle response is so acute and intense if another person comes into my space w/o me realizing they're there.  thank you for posting this.

i'm glad you're feeling better, glad that colleague gave you some space.  i hope she keeps doing that and leaves you alone.  w/ all that you have going on right now, you don't need extra anything from any neg. person.  here's hoping these 4 weeks fly by and that you get some rest somewhere in there.   love and hugs, rainy

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee & San, I always appreciate gaining another lens to consider my experience through and hadn't thought of mirror neurons before.  For me it is a helpful way to think about my experience and I will be thinking on it more when my life feels less heavy.
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I feel a bit better today and came to work.  I feel this deep sense of unease.  I feel this deep sense of displeasure from my colleague that I didn't see yesterday.  I know how her mind works - it is a coincidence that I have missed the past two weeks there and it stands out more when I'm only there once a week - but I could see her taking it really personally and being weird about it.  I am trying to soothe my unease.  I also have my performance review tomorrow which is adding to my unease.

I slept a bit better but my cat seems to be having acid reflux and several times last night woke me up with the sound of vomiting.  It triggered me back to a few summers ago when she was so sick and we had such angst.  I am struggling with feeling supported by her vet but feel like I should reach out to them to get suggestions on easing her stomach a bit.

Today my husband and I will be doing our final walkthrough of the property.  His level of stress and anxiety is taking a huge toll on me.  I tried talking to him about it yesterday but am not sure how that went.  It is stressful for us all and I can understand that. 

But it also is difficult to have him second guessing everything we've done to date.  At this point, I just want to give up.  I know we need to advocate for ourselves in terms of making sure the home is in the condition we are expecting, but I just need this to be over.

He is really stressing me out and I don't know how to deal with it.  The mood I'm in (which is mostly anxious) leads me to start seeing doom in the future.  The doom has basis in past events and this time feels similar to me to times we've had before.  I am trying to trust that I've grown and we've made adjustments that hopefully give us to the chance to move forward differently instead of repeating past mistakes.

I feel upset that this has been my normal.  My husband did seek out support from his doctor to begin taking medication for anxiety.  I hope it helps.  I have so many feelings about my marriage and choices I've made.  I am too stressed to process it all right now and hope that as some pressure begins to release I am able to answer questions I have.